Taken By Fear

Liam Neeson recently told of how a teacher from Texas wanted to take some students to Europe but  the parents said no because they had seen Neeson's movie Taken 2.

Well it is Texas, what can you do?

I know that Neeson can only do one accent and that's a Ballymena one but he's a very powerful actor ..... especially around the eyes. After watching him in The Grey I was nervous about strapping mini broken bottles to my hands and fighting wolves .... aye sure I've done it hundreds of times but now I was *ascared*. After the movie Jaws I never swam in the sea, that was mostly doon to the temperature of the water and the amount of raw sewage I could imagine being in it though.

Irrational fear is for the weak and kinda scares me a little.
 

Thanks to Neeson's movie Non stop, Snakes on a plane and Castaway I now have a fear of door handles, don't mock my fear you never know what that person touched right before they opened that door. I don't know what they have to do with those movies, don't ask stupid questions it's irrational fear, that means back to rations just like the war ... don't mention the war it was hell.

 
Yes I have seen yon movie Fury set in World War II and now I have a fear of Shia LaBeouf, thanks for bringing that up by the way, me therapist will be wanting to have some words with you. Look at him method acting his liddle heart out ... STOP IT!!!   

Do actors and film makers not know the power they have? Do they not have a responsibility to society?

After seeing Tom Hardy's todger and saggy balls flying around as he got naked and attacked his prison wardens in Bronson I developed a fear of going back to prison. I had this cunning plan to go and find all the old bodies, dress them up in silver suits and blast them off into space and if anyone ever found them they might think they were from the future.

Aye me plan did have one or two problem areas. Turns out that going back to prison wasn't that scary. The shower gang rape was how I remembered it, like drinking petrol, after the first few you don't notice the others. I do miss being able to fart though.

Wow, that post escalated quickly.

It's ok to come to Europe .... yeah maybe not ones from Texas, Florida or Arizona, you stay away. We are a friendly bunch, sure we might judge yer horrible fashions .... fanny packs? aye we call them bum bags and it's not against the law to hang those people who wear them.

You won't get kidnapped, the last thing a European wants is to be stuck with a mouthy American telling them how small and quaint everything is ... We aren't fucking stupid, we know that means yer cuntry is a dump that needs knocked doon and modernized. Indoor toilets indeed, the world is our toilet!   

With no guns all you have to worry about are criminals with knives and hammers, the police won't help you as they do not like to get involved so it's best if you know an ex-CIA operative, from Ballymena.

Europe has a lot to offer visitors from the States ..... um, we have old stuff. Even our modern stuff looks old. You also won't have a clue when yer being insulted cos you'll be too busy admiring our accents that you can't understand.

Don't believe everything you see in the movies. I know that when an alien invasion movie comes out that uses real places all the Americans look out the window or check the news just in case. The Bible also did that trick .... clever huh?

Sam went to Ballymena to admire the sheep .... I'm just fucking with you, sure there are sheep in Ballymena and they may be very attractive but Sam didn't exist though some other Sam may have lived in Ballymena at some time. Oh my hed is sore now, what is real?  

Don't let fear rule yer life, it's always a Brit that ends up being caught in a hostage situation or 192 people died in a plane crash, one Briton was aboard, we even claim the Irish when a Brit isn't available.

Shit, I really do need to worry then. Aw fuck it, I'm from Ballymena hey.




*Don't bend my shite it's a real fucking werd* 

 

In Search Of

I'm a hero, I'm a guy, I'm a hero who likes apple pie .... and cocaine.  That's me hero tune for when I go and beat up Nazis and children an shit.

I stand for justice and truth, and I sit for lap dances. I have searched this world far and wide, high and deep, drunk and itchy. If you hear about something strange, in yer neighbourhood, who ya gonna call?

 Ballymena Knudsen!  

If you don't have my mumber then I mustn't like you, e-mail me instead. 

I went on the search for the illusive Sasquatch or Bigfoot. A large ape-like creatures that goes around leaving footprints and can only be captured on poor quality video.

I went to British Columbia, every since the Colombians and the British colonized the area reports of these creatures have been numerous, the British Colombians are a very mellow people, unless you start selling potted plants or something.

I usually don't listen to half the threats I get but they did mention something about growing and selling plants in pot .... now that was strange.

There was a decline in sightings around 2002 which coincidentally was the same time that camera phones came out, experts believe that the mothership probably beamed them up around that time or they returned to their home at the center of the Earth. 

Well I when looking for a Sasquatch and unless they were hiding on those secret farms I kept finding they don't exist. 

Maybe they do live at the center of the Earth and one pops out to scare hikers now and again but there is no evidence to support their existence. 

Biff! and onto the next mystery ..... UFO'S. They are real!!!! I look up at the sky constantly and say, "what the fuck is that?"

No I'm not talking spaceships, we know they are real, I'm talking UFO .... unidentified flying object. During my search I took a dizzy spell and fell flat on me back, as I lay there in my vomit (I left that bit out) I looked up and saw this mysterious round object in the night sky and I said, "wha the fuck is that?"

More dizziness took me and I blacked out. I think I was processed by a sky demon or something since I woke the next day around noon and found that I had managed to find my way home and I don't recall how I got there. I hope the blood I was covered in didn't mean anything serious.

Now for the next mystery ..... Ballymena, what the fuck is that about? 

A town in the Northern Ireland cuntryside that's famous for Liam Neeson, and and and ..... it's also known for it's drugs, farmers, xenophobia, tractors, being in the Bible belt, Ian Paisley's stomping grounds and for fucking sheep. 

Some have disappeared, never to be seen again in it's one way road system, attracted by rumours of great shopping, a rumour started by the farmers themselves. 

Little known facts about Ballymena: 

Obama oftens gets drunk and toys with the idea of nuking it. 

There is a Hellmouth under the town. 

The manager of the local Boots the chemist was burned for witchcraft after he had automatic doors installed. When they realised that his spirit was still around, opening the doors for people to walk through, the shop was then burned to the ground.

Ballymena once had a hipster ..... once. 

Tire marks can still be seen in the road from when Liam Neeson left the town. 

98% of sheep in Ballymena have been victims of sexual abuse, you can tell the ones as their wool is baggier than usual because of their body issues and low self esteem. While Ballymena sheep produce more wool they will never look you in the eye. 

If you see a billboard advertising Fairhill shopping centre, do not go. The floor gives way and traps visitors in a basement dungeon and the locals eat you. 

Those touchy about Ballymena sheep shagging comments have usually fucked a sheep. 

There! another mystery solved, Ballymena is real.     

 

Non-Stop Stupid

Liam Neeson is probably the best export that Northern Ireland has ever had. Unlike the Titanic he hasn't sunk (to be fair it was an Englishman driving it) and unlike our sports stars like George Best and Hurricane Higgins he didn't end up a junkie alcoholic that shone for 15 minutes before ruining everything.
I'd mention Rory McIlroy but his success is still to be seen, anyone can have a few good golf games and then just fail .... eh Tiger?

Neeson seems to be a nice fella, he hasn't been found to be a rapist or pedo yet and the poor man lost his wife so we're inclined to like him. Though like every other successful person here he did fuck off to live elsewhere but he has returned and now promotes Northern Ireland as a tourist destination, "Northern Ireland, come visit on your way to somewhere nice."  

I think he has come to realise that he isn't the world's greatest of actors and even though he's getting on a bit they'll still pay him a shitload to star in films. The movie roles he chooses seem to be tough action roles that don't require too much thinking from the audience.

Most of his movies now look like they are a part of the Taken franchise. Look frantic on the phone and then some close quarter fighting before almost emotionally falling apart but not quite because his acting range doesn't cover full retard.  

I just watched Non-stop, if Taken 1,2 and 3 are yer kind of movie then watch this. It is also similar to his flick Unknown in which you have to figure out who the enemy is. Old Knudsen likes and dislikes this kind of film because of me natural paranoia I'm shouting at the telly accusing everyone. I guessed wrong but I wasn't really trying .... I was distracted by his powerful performance eerily similar to all his others.  
 

The usually iconic imagery of the slow-mo shoot out is used.

An alcoholic paranoid man from Northern Ireland gets onto a plane .....  that's enough about me. Liam Neeson gets on too, he's an alcoholic Air Marshal born in Belfast. So far it's believable, just ignore the fact that he's 62. They always die the hair of the older leading men like Perice Brosnan and Roger Moore to make them look, not younger but like old men with died hair.     

Some one sends him texts saying they will kill people on board unless money gets put into their account.
Neeson's character Bill is grieving the loss of his daughter who died from leukemia, he's drinking too much and doesn't give a fuck. He's the perfect patsy to blame an air hi-jack on. I lost count of how many times he was relieved of duty from a superior on the ground but this is Liam fucking Neeson, he'll smoke in the plane's toilet and he'll duct tape who the fuck he wants to.    

While he's trying to control the situation in the plane and find the bad guy or girls, Fox news like channels are making him out to be a psycho nut job, even complaining that he isn't US born but is allowed to have a gun and badge on a plane .... He's from Northern Ireland, he might even be in the IRA says one.

Except the IRA don't have the balls for such a thing, they hide in the shadows and try to blow people up while at a safe distance. Stoopid America panic news.... oh and Obama wants yer guns and to give illegal immigrants benefits and citizenship, especially Muslims . 

Why did I do a post about Liam Neeson? because I'm trying to cope with a lot of stupid online. I can't even go onto Facebook without having my daily dose of stupid givin to me within the first 5 minutes.

Do these people who talk about revolution just like Timothy McVeigh and the Vegas shooters did really need to have guns? Why can't the Fox news Duck dynasty loving morons see that their ideals are shared by scumbag murderers?

People who agree with Sheriff Joe Arpaio .... AND IN CAPS TOO! Have to have mental illness issues, they also no doubt think that Donald Trump is a sane intelligent person too. Yes lets listen to one of the most self entitled racist bigots there are, I bet he knows what he's talking about.

The Mexican border is a fucking war zone that makes Afghanistan look like a holiday in the sun. The military and the police are too shit scared to go near it. Who would clean up the mess they'd make in their shorts?

"It's easier to hate people for what they are than actually address and fix the problems in life."  ~ Old Knudsen.
Yes the Israelis are killing innocent people quit yer crying, I don't see you so outraged at the hundred other atrocities happening this week. People ignoring education and healthcare needs but focusing on the 2nd amendment, immigrants, parading or idiot soccer .... oh look a video on animal torture, I'll never eat chicken ever again but if I LIKE this status update I can stop child soldiers in Africa.

Did we ever bring our gurls home? oh that's right, everyone lost interest.  

 David Icke's name in the corner should clue you into the crazy.

This is one of the latest that I hate. An F-35 costs $122 million, $98 million for a cheaper Hornet so I'm wondering where the $600,000 figure came from and the same people that post shit like this constantly complain about welfare entitlement so make up yer minds.

 Another version.

I know a nice cuntry called Saudi Arabia who'll buy it if yer interested, since arms dealing is perfectly acceptable now.  Is this just one $600,000 house for all the homeless? that's Hilary Clinton dead broke homeless yer talking.

Why not just give jets to the homeless? Obviously since they are refusing to go to the welfare office for help because of their mental issues or addiction issues give them all a jet and watch their faces light up as they light up the town with rockets. 

See what I mean about stupid? Lets sell guns (maybe to Mexico) for cancer research.


Hence my Liam Neeson post. I can't punch these people in the throat and they'll never see sense so I'll post about good working class movies for people who like a drink and to fantasize about being a hero.

I don't want to spoil the movie too much but it's Old Knudsen who is the movie's bad guy .... well I see my character as a patriot and the good guy. Like many patriots before me I believe in blowing innocent people up and killing them for my cause.   

Neeson can kill people, survive a plane crash, get over losing his child, save the day and still have time for a little romance.
If you ever lose someone, kill some people on a passenger airliner to help you move on ... oh and it makes you horny too.

Go on ye boy ye!






 

Liam Neeson And The Shaggy Dog Story

The story going around that movie star Liam Neeson stopped a gang of teenagers from stoning a dog in Central park is untrue. A representative of the star told the press that Neeson did not tell three teenagers who were stoning a dog to stop or he'd beat the crap out of them and they did not flee at the sight of his Ballymena fury.

Neeson who ate wolf stew during the making of the movie The Grey hates dogs and would let the fucker die, in fact he is more likely to tape broken bottles to his hand and get stuck into it himself. 

What really happened was that Neeson was walking through the village area of Lower Manhattan when he saw 3 professional hitmen making unwanted advances towards an attractive Ascanian sheep.

Neeson approached them and told them to leave her alone or he'd kick the crap out of them. The hitmen just laughed. Neeson looked at them with the fury of a man on the edge and said "or else."

That was the last thing they heard as Nesson then used his mobile phone to beat them to death... it was all just a blur. Being a method actor Neeson has admitted that his role of Good cop/Bad cop in the Lego movie has been hard to escape. I still feel that I have a lot of the bad cop character in me and it builds up and turns into an explosive rage.

Nesson recently got into trouble when a mother of two tried to jump line at a bus stop. Neeson who wasn't even getting a bus pommeled the woman to the rapturous applause of the other passengers.

Earlier this year he made a citizens arrest on a smoker who thought that the world was his ashtray. Neeson, a life long Buddhist pistol whipped the elderly before calling the police.

The story with the lovely Ascanian sheep turned into a love story as Neeson and the sheep named Wispy are now dating.   

Hannah Montana Hates Wolves

The Montana Department of Fish, Wildlife & Parks have the job to maintain a healthy wolf population in Montana.
Wolves need to be hunted,  have you not seen yon Liam Neeson movie?

 

Wolves are dangerous vicious animals who once they have a taste for human flesh will track you doon over hundreds of miles and will rip you apart like a Flegger with a bucket of KFC.

Wolves attack 43,000 Americans each year, and it's not the same 43,000 Americans every year ..... shocked? Well you should be. I am also not sure if I'm wearing my own underwear today ...... shocked? Nah probably not.  

After extensive research on the subject Old Knudsen came to realise that these were wolves and it was actually toilets that injure 43,000 Yanks a year. Wolf attacks are rare and you have more chance of being ripped apart by yer pet dog.

If you die of natural causes in yer home you can be assured that yer furry best friend will eat yer eyeballs if left alone with you near dinner time.  

Pet dogs bite around 4.7 million Americans each year. Most attacks are the fault of the humans as Americans are just so fat and tasty. Old Knudsen has bitten many nationalities and Americans come third in preferred taste just behind the Swedish and the Cornish people of south west England.

So Hannah Montana and her kinfolk had the first ever wolf hunting season this year and are calling it a success.

A large Black wolf like the kind that killed Liam Neeson .... RIP

72 wolves were harvested/shot and license sales generated more than $325,000 in revenue. At $19 a pop thats over 17,000 licenses issued to hunters with the horn to kill wolves. Considering there was only 625 known wolves at the start of the season I find it pretty scary that they are playing lotto with wildlife.
what if 625 hunters got lucky?

The wolves in Montana just lost their Federal protection status and Americans want to kill them .... because they can.
Wolves killing livestock is fairly uncommon but those wolves are tracked doon and killed. Most wolves stay away from human areas and will avoid humans. There is not a wolf pest problem!

Wolverine has a very high body count per movie.... but what a body. 

Hunting wolves is common across the US and Canada and Old Knudsen sees no need for it unless it's protecting livestock or the town folk. Americans are psychos and if they aren't killing something they are trying to sell it, Canadians ...... they are all on crack cocaine and so have a valid excuse. 

Some people in Utah are trying to change the laws to kill their wolves because ... well just because. 

The Grey has a lot to answer for, and no, wolves eyes do not glow in the dark, they may reflect light but do not glow.

Ireland has no more wolves thanks to the English who were encouraged to kill bogtrotters, wolves, any other animals and to cut doon the trees. Many talk about reintroducing the wolf to Ireland but thats just crazy talk. 

 

 

Retard Your Behaviour

You know the way Northern Ireland Loyalists will say that the Catholics killed during Bloody Sunday march probably deserved it and shouldn't have been there ..... they conveniently ignore that the British government have said that it was murder basically and that the soldiers were at fault.

These same Loyalists play the victims card non-stop these days. They don't realise how good they have it and that half of the world is laughing at their silly self entitled attitudes, oh the other half don't know about any of this fleg shite as no one cares .... yes that includes Amnesty International so quit phoning them. 

In Ballymena .... the home town of Liam Neeson. 52 year-old Trevor Ashcroft was arrested obstructing a road an disorderly behavior. He was also later charged with criminal damage to a police cell. 

This is the second time hes been arrested. It seems that Trev is a bit slow, according to the Loyalist Facebook pages he has the mind of a 12 year-old. 

The Loyalists are going nuts and calling the police every rude, disrespectful name under the sun as they claim that they beat him (they always say that) but I have a question. 

What kind of people bring a mong to a protest? 

You knew he was volatile yet you brought him to a potentially dangerous situation TWICE and complained when he got arrested.
Knowing 12 year-olds the fleggers got him worked up and he probably started something that the police had to end, 12 year-olds are wee mean fuckheads. 

Well done protesters, you bring old people, weemen and children and now tards out to yer protests in the hope that they get hurt so you can claim outrage .... you probably deserved it and shouldn't have been there. 
When the police start shooting at you then you can play the victim card, now you just look like whiny pussies who haven't yet witnessed anything close to police brutality.  

Let me know when this happens. Oh and you know what? since you keep saying that the IRA and Sinn Fein are in charge of the police did you know that they got priests in to bless the water cannons so when you were sprayed with water you got turned into Catholics as you were there voluntarily? ... yeah it's all true, the Pope told me. 
S/F have been calling for arrests since last year and no one listened, just because they have arrested people now doesn't mean anyone is still listening. Yer breaking the law .... fuck off to jail.   

I don't agree with the PSNI tactics for these protests/riots as I would shoot into the crowd and smash some heads merely for the disrespect they have shown for the Queen's flag and the Queen's law. Why are they called Loyalists? who are they loyal too? 
They are behaving more like traitors in my book and continuing the job the IRA have been doing for decades of ruining Northern Ireland. 

Scared stupid people who are being bred into a minority and they fear getting treated the way they have treated the Catholics. 

I do however say a big well done to the police officers as it is a difficult job especially when the judicial system doesn't back you up. The restraint you have shown by not putting these fools out of our misery has been amazing. 

I do have another question. Is there anyone in Ballymena with the mentality higher than that a 12 year-old? 

Celebrity Sanchez # 1

No expense in either money or good taste has been spared here at Old Bitter Balls. I bring you a collection of celebrity Sanchezing on people that are right stupid cunts but still game for a laugh.
Liam Neeson this big tall bad acting fella from Ballymena Northern Ireland even joked around with me by saying "hey Old Knudsen, I think you've too much iron in yer diet".
I never liked him much until then, even in Schlinder's List I liked the nazi guy more but there was some fine naked fanny in that film and er I mean, terrible it was so touching and thing, not as sad as Episode one, was the rent due that month Liam?