In Search Of

I'm a hero, I'm a guy, I'm a hero who likes apple pie .... and cocaine.  That's me hero tune for when I go and beat up Nazis and children an shit.

I stand for justice and truth, and I sit for lap dances. I have searched this world far and wide, high and deep, drunk and itchy. If you hear about something strange, in yer neighbourhood, who ya gonna call?

 Ballymena Knudsen!  

If you don't have my mumber then I mustn't like you, e-mail me instead. 

I went on the search for the illusive Sasquatch or Bigfoot. A large ape-like creatures that goes around leaving footprints and can only be captured on poor quality video.

I went to British Columbia, every since the Colombians and the British colonized the area reports of these creatures have been numerous, the British Colombians are a very mellow people, unless you start selling potted plants or something.

I usually don't listen to half the threats I get but they did mention something about growing and selling plants in pot .... now that was strange.

There was a decline in sightings around 2002 which coincidentally was the same time that camera phones came out, experts believe that the mothership probably beamed them up around that time or they returned to their home at the center of the Earth. 

Well I when looking for a Sasquatch and unless they were hiding on those secret farms I kept finding they don't exist. 

Maybe they do live at the center of the Earth and one pops out to scare hikers now and again but there is no evidence to support their existence. 

Biff! and onto the next mystery ..... UFO'S. They are real!!!! I look up at the sky constantly and say, "what the fuck is that?"

No I'm not talking spaceships, we know they are real, I'm talking UFO .... unidentified flying object. During my search I took a dizzy spell and fell flat on me back, as I lay there in my vomit (I left that bit out) I looked up and saw this mysterious round object in the night sky and I said, "wha the fuck is that?"

More dizziness took me and I blacked out. I think I was processed by a sky demon or something since I woke the next day around noon and found that I had managed to find my way home and I don't recall how I got there. I hope the blood I was covered in didn't mean anything serious.

Now for the next mystery ..... Ballymena, what the fuck is that about? 

A town in the Northern Ireland cuntryside that's famous for Liam Neeson, and and and ..... it's also known for it's drugs, farmers, xenophobia, tractors, being in the Bible belt, Ian Paisley's stomping grounds and for fucking sheep. 

Some have disappeared, never to be seen again in it's one way road system, attracted by rumours of great shopping, a rumour started by the farmers themselves. 

Little known facts about Ballymena: 

Obama oftens gets drunk and toys with the idea of nuking it. 

There is a Hellmouth under the town. 

The manager of the local Boots the chemist was burned for witchcraft after he had automatic doors installed. When they realised that his spirit was still around, opening the doors for people to walk through, the shop was then burned to the ground.

Ballymena once had a hipster ..... once. 

Tire marks can still be seen in the road from when Liam Neeson left the town. 

98% of sheep in Ballymena have been victims of sexual abuse, you can tell the ones as their wool is baggier than usual because of their body issues and low self esteem. While Ballymena sheep produce more wool they will never look you in the eye. 

If you see a billboard advertising Fairhill shopping centre, do not go. The floor gives way and traps visitors in a basement dungeon and the locals eat you. 

Those touchy about Ballymena sheep shagging comments have usually fucked a sheep. 

There! another mystery solved, Ballymena is real.