Webby The Wise One

"Hoots mon a creepy critter." translation from Scots gheylick of what he said.

I am here in America because of religious persecution and a left wing government that doesn't respect my right to human sacrifice luckily the Bush admin and the next McCain admin welcome people like me as the cuntry is full of nutters and crazy town religions.

Today I found myself lost and without hope, also I was sitting in a cave hiding from would be assassins and Jovohva Witnesses in flowery dresses who can be talked into joining any sect or cult if you could be bothered.

I saw a spider trying to build it's web but with each gust of wind it was broken but that wee creature never gave up.

I was reminded of the story of The great king of Scotland Robert the Bruce who was hiding on Rathlin island just off the coast of Northern Ireland.

Robert the Bruce was ahead of his time which was 1274 - 1329, he was politically astute and knew when to fight and when to hide in a cave .

He was always telling wee stories that involved spiders or Kung-fu fighting pandas, he got some mileage out of the spider story and there would be a lot of eye rolling as soon as he mentioned 'Webby the spider'.

Six times did the spider repair it's web just like the six times the English had beaten his army and on the seventh it succeeded in making it's web so Mr The Bruce said that he would try again and succeed and he did, sure it was 13 years after his exile but he made it.

Yep 13 long years of hearing about that fucking spider.

I sat in my dark, dank and dismal cave watching this determined wee creature building its web and sure enough on the 7th try it managed to build it's web then I splatted it with my wooden leg.

Stupid wee cunt did ya not know I was going to kill ya? what the fuck do spiders know anyway?

"Kill the hoors, kill the hoors."

Then I thought about Robert the Bruce and what he had learned from his spider:

"If at first you don't succeed then go kill some evil English."

Ah wise words, what would others do?

The CIA: "If at first you don't succeed deny everything and destroy all evidence."

Bloggers: "If at first you don't succeed just say Blogger ate yer post."

Men: "If at first you don't succeed get her drunk."

Weemen: "If at first you don't succeed nag nag nag."

Crap Actors: "If at first you don't succeed live for a long time and you'll get a lifetime achievement Oscar."

George Bush: "If at first you don't succeed point and say 'look a terrorist' and run."

The Chinese: "If at first you don't succeed export poisoned rice."

Great Britain: "If at first you don't succeed blame France."

America: "If at first you don't succeed its because you cut back on health and education."

Johnny Black Fella: "If at first you don't succeed blame whitey then steal his telly."

Al Gore: "If at first you don't succeed copy Micheal Moore."


I could go on but why should I try and try again? sorry that must be the depression talking lucky Robert the Bruce didn't throw up his hands and say "whats the point I'm fat and no one likes me".

I do think its a little unnerving that spiders have such influence on history and the actions of leaders, somewhere safely out of sight of my rifle on the Pakistan border is Osama Bin Laden (three names too) talking to Webby and hatching some diabolical plan to become king in the year 2014 thank fuck the world will end in 2012 according to the dead Mayans.


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