Robert And The Spider

Robert the Bruce fought with the English 6 times and 6 times was be beaten, he fled to the safety of a cave on Rathlin Island (Northern Ireland) while the evil puppy raping Sassenachs searched for him.

He was tired and heart broken as his army was scattered and broken and then he saw a spider building her web. Six times did she throw her web to try and reach the other side and six times did she fail. Robert watched entranced by this little creature battling the harsh breeze.

The spider didn't give up and did not lose heart and made it to the other side.

Robert thought about the spider never giving up and rose to his feet. He then squished it with the tip of his sword scabbard for he didn't want it to drop into his mouth while he slept ... for they do that sort of shit.

After a good spider free nights sleep Robert the Bruce said fuck those cunts I'll set about them and forced the English out of Scotland at the battle of Bannockburn in 1314 and became king.

The moral of the story is that spiders are stubborn wee shits that will nest in yer mouth and let its spider babies eat yer eyeballs and that the English don't like the cold steel up em.  

Failed By The System

Lolia Vãduva, 25 recieves £78,000 a year in benefits, has 8 children with 6 different fathers and is hoping for a 9th because she has thought up new babies names she'd like to use. 

Lolia whose family moved to the UK in 1993 from Romania is 462 LBS and says the government should pay her more money if they want her to work.

"People keep saying that I look like Jennifer Lawrence so if the government wants me to work then they need to jump start my modeling career." 

A recent convert to Islam her hobbies are getting her hair and nails done twice a week, day time TV viewing and breeding the rare Nigerian Ebola spider.

She says it's unfair to expect her to look after 8 children when she is trying for a 9th and wants an extra £4,000 for childcare and £24,000 for a boob job, collagen injections and a holiday for her and her new partner in Tenerife.
Under the mental welfare act of 2007 the Liberal council of Clacton will probably give her the extra money as Lolia is being treated for depression and anxiety and it would be a violation of her human rights to withhold anything that might make her happy.      

 I eat junk food and blow strange men in alleyways but on the inside I'm crying, I need more money. 

Lolia lives in a 6 bedroom council house but is on the waiting list for two 6 bedroom houses that will be joined together so she can have more room to have children and to bring some more family members over from her village in Romania, her parents live with her and help look after the children. They run a part time child and dog grooming service but have been hit hard by the recession. 

"I left school when I was 14 to have babies, I ain't educated enough to be a scientist because the system failed me, it's difficult to get healthy halal food and cos I'm eating non-halal junk food me mental health is suffering, I can't cook anyways, no one taught me. I can't even afford to go jihad. People may judge me but that's cos they are jealous as I have got it going on."       

We aren't judging you, we understand. Lolia cannot count change and has trouble telling the time on an analog clock, this disability gets treated with scorn by uneducated people who can't see past the eye rolling and pushy attitude. If the government can spend £3.6 million on burying Margaret Thatcher then it can afford Lolia's tits. 

To help jump start poor Lolia's modeling career go to Sponsorlolia.com to donate.   

Webby The Wise One

"Hoots mon a creepy critter." translation from Scots gheylick of what he said.

I am here in America because of religious persecution and a left wing government that doesn't respect my right to human sacrifice luckily the Bush admin and the next McCain admin welcome people like me as the cuntry is full of nutters and crazy town religions.

Today I found myself lost and without hope, also I was sitting in a cave hiding from would be assassins and Jovohva Witnesses in flowery dresses who can be talked into joining any sect or cult if you could be bothered.

I saw a spider trying to build it's web but with each gust of wind it was broken but that wee creature never gave up.

I was reminded of the story of The great king of Scotland Robert the Bruce who was hiding on Rathlin island just off the coast of Northern Ireland.

Robert the Bruce was ahead of his time which was 1274 - 1329, he was politically astute and knew when to fight and when to hide in a cave .

He was always telling wee stories that involved spiders or Kung-fu fighting pandas, he got some mileage out of the spider story and there would be a lot of eye rolling as soon as he mentioned 'Webby the spider'.

Six times did the spider repair it's web just like the six times the English had beaten his army and on the seventh it succeeded in making it's web so Mr The Bruce said that he would try again and succeed and he did, sure it was 13 years after his exile but he made it.

Yep 13 long years of hearing about that fucking spider.

I sat in my dark, dank and dismal cave watching this determined wee creature building its web and sure enough on the 7th try it managed to build it's web then I splatted it with my wooden leg.

Stupid wee cunt did ya not know I was going to kill ya? what the fuck do spiders know anyway?

"Kill the hoors, kill the hoors."

Then I thought about Robert the Bruce and what he had learned from his spider:

"If at first you don't succeed then go kill some evil English."

Ah wise words, what would others do?

The CIA: "If at first you don't succeed deny everything and destroy all evidence."

Bloggers: "If at first you don't succeed just say Blogger ate yer post."

Men: "If at first you don't succeed get her drunk."

Weemen: "If at first you don't succeed nag nag nag."

Crap Actors: "If at first you don't succeed live for a long time and you'll get a lifetime achievement Oscar."

George Bush: "If at first you don't succeed point and say 'look a terrorist' and run."

The Chinese: "If at first you don't succeed export poisoned rice."

Great Britain: "If at first you don't succeed blame France."

America: "If at first you don't succeed its because you cut back on health and education."

Johnny Black Fella: "If at first you don't succeed blame whitey then steal his telly."

Al Gore: "If at first you don't succeed copy Micheal Moore."


I could go on but why should I try and try again? sorry that must be the depression talking lucky Robert the Bruce didn't throw up his hands and say "whats the point I'm fat and no one likes me".

I do think its a little unnerving that spiders have such influence on history and the actions of leaders, somewhere safely out of sight of my rifle on the Pakistan border is Osama Bin Laden (three names too) talking to Webby and hatching some diabolical plan to become king in the year 2014 thank fuck the world will end in 2012 according to the dead Mayans.


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