Spooky Turds On A Stick

I remember Samhuinn as I grew up in the tiny village of Frigadoon. I'm just going to take it for granted that my readers aren't complete morons and know all about Samhuinn or Samhain ............... ok yer right I had better explain it, slowly and clearly without the use of big words.
means summers end and marks the first day of winter, you'd bring the animals into the shelter of the barn, collect whatever harvest yer growing to feed you and the beasts, collect wood peat or dried shit for burning and get to baking, preserving , slaughtering and salting meat , just getting ready for the winter a head.

We'd have a feast because in November the Faeries blast every living plant with their icy breath.

We would eat nuts and place apples in a bucket of water and dunk for them grabbing them with our mouths, sacrifice homeless people and we would remember those who had passed on to the other world and set out extra food in case they turned up hungry.

You always put food outside for the Faeries to keep them happy , they like Shepherds pie (with real shepherds) or a KFC bargain bucket but no coleslaw, the Roberts next door put out some coleslaw and look at them now, well you can't look at them cos you can't bloody well find them.


In Frigadoon we didn't get many pumpkins, I suppose where ever you are you use what is grown there, my ma used a turnip, she or my da would scoop it out and carve a face on to it to make a small pathetic Jack'O'lantern, then we would be fed turnip with our dinner, fuck I hate turnip. Now when Halloween comes rounds I get the phantom taste of turnip in my mouth of Halloween past

The Irish legend says that the Devil once came to claim the soul of a no-good man named Jack. But Jack outsmarted the Devil several times and stayed alive.
When Jack eventually died, neither heaven nor hell would claim Jack.
Cursed to roam the earth forever, Jack begged the Devil for a live coal to provide light so he could navigate in limbo.

The Devil, was a soft touch when it came to Jack and not such a bad bloke , gave him a piece.

Jack put the coal into a turnip. And Jack is still walking around with his lantern until either heaven or hell will open its door to him.

The Legion is having a scary costume competition, the prize is a bottle of whisky. I think I'll be haunting a few dreams tonight in this outfit.

We never had trick or treat that's some strange American thing designed to make you fat on chocolate, I think that's the way most of their culture is set out, big is better.

My village had an ancient tradition in which Mr Brooks the village cross dresser would put on an old Boggy mask and chase you around the streets and if he caught you he'd give you a right diddling and a lolly pop and told you it was our secret and you'd get bad luck if you told. I was forever getting caught, I ran as fast as I could honestly, I'm surprised I still have all my own teeth as Mr Brooks would give you a massive lolly , one time he caught me but I had just been freshly shaved to get rid of my nits, I only got a candy apple that year.

Note

Samhain was not the fat hobbit and is pronounced "sa-wheen."

For last years timeless Halloween post chock full of sex and violence CLICK HERE.