The Accidental Terrorist

Burn Dunluce burn, who the fuck builds a castle on a cliff anyway? I'd build it closer to the shops.

I have seen many travel shows that when they run out of real countries they go to Ireland, of course they have to mention Northern Ireland to keep things fair.
They always mention The giant's causeway, this is an area around the northern coast that has pillars of rocks that are hexagonal shaped and caused by volcanic activity probably about 5000 years ago when the Earth was made.
To give the boring rocks a bit of flavour and to make the Irish (Northern Irish) sound like backwards cunts they tell the tale of how Finn McCool an Irish giant wanted to fight a Scottish giant so he built the causeway to do so, its not mentioned why he did the hexagonal shapes though, I would have gone for crazy paving myself, its a silly story involving two chicken shit giants that run away from each other and how one dress up as a baby, its the Irish doon south that are the backwards ones, they are the ones that believe yer soul can be stolen if someone takes a picture of you.

The TV tourist may go to the nearby crappy ruin of Dunluce castle, that castle gets its picture everywhere and it doesn't even have a roof, its kitchen fell into the sea 100 years ago, yawny yawny cunt cunt.

Northern Ireland's capitol Belfast gets mentioned anywhere between 20 seconds and 3 minutes, they go to the Crown Liquor saloon, a pub that was built in 1826 and still serves drink. Its a pub for old men and dumb tourists who sit around drinking Guinness, the Guinness company have a nice wee racket going on there, its a pity the stuff is minging and turns yer shit black. It takes an hour to pull a pint of Guinness because the bar staff pull it half way and let it settle and serve someone else and forget about you, especially if they tell you they'll bring it over to you, no serious drinker orders that stuff, you could of had 4 pints of Harp by then. An average person drinks a pint in 15 minutes, no wait maybe that was an average person walks a mile in 15 minutes, if you do drink and walk use a bottle or a can cleverly hidden in a brown paper bag, no one knows what the fuck yer doing when you keep raising a bottle shaped paper bag up to yer mouth.
There are these black taxi tours now that take you round the murals and trouble spots of Belfast, " so and so was shot there, look another mural ." Good luck I say as the drivers they get usually have the thickest most common Belfast accents ever. The Belfast accent should be made a wonder of the world, its like nails on a chalk board, listen to Paisley, Adams or Mc Guinness talking and you'll understand.
I've lived in Belfast for about 10 years I've lived many different places, at one time I had a thick culchie accent when I lived in Ballymena but when I moved from there I worked on losing it as diversity in Northern Ireland gets you beat up, now I have a lovely lilting accent that's a mix between Irish and Scottish, in fact when I win the lottery and get a computer that's not run by squirrels I shall record my beautiful singing voice, who doesn't want to hear Old Knudsen sing "I'm so sexy" or "I touch myself?" I believe that fame is waiting for me.

After a night in Belfast the presenter goes to Armagh because when the church gets out the fat country boys like nothing than to play bowls at high speed doon the narrow country roads, they also love it went anorak wearing twats with bum bags (fanny packs) try to interrupt them.

Armagh was once the most learned place in the western world, it even has the hill fort of Tara but no cum and see the fat culchies play with their balls, drinking, betting and playing games on a Sunday, going to Hell I say.

Whats next for Northern Ireland ? well that's usually it, the same old things on the same programs, fuck that annoys me.

What about instead of Dunluce you go to one of the other ruined castles, we have a ton of them. Carrickfergus castle is a restored Norman castle from 1180 with a military museum inside, do you know whats inside Dunluce? grass that's what, theres no fucking roof. Prince Charles photographed Carrick castle, he didn't photograph Dunluce.

Has Carrickfergus castle ever fallen into the sea? nope, not even when Hitler bombed us, no insurance claims what so ever, Dunluce is a write off .

Carrickfergus was a town when Belfast was mud banks, King Billy landed there in 1690 to fight King James. Go visit the Andrew Jackson centre, that cunt's parents came from Carrick, also Carrick is the birthplace of the US Rangers in WWII.

Carrickfergus means 'rock of Fergus' named after the Scottish King Fergus who had leprosy and heard that the well (around what they built the castle later) had the cure for leprosy but on his way over a storm sunk his ship and the unlucky fucker died, see no giants building causeways , that's history man.
Go to the transport museum at Cultra and see 100 year old hooses, schools, banks and chapels that were knocked doon and rebuilt in one place, you can also see old time cars, buses and trains too.
There are a lot better pubs than the Crown in Belfast than the Crown, The beaten docket, Laveries, The Fly, The Empire, The Elms, a ton of them some with live music and comedians, forget all that Irish diddly eye music, who the fuck really likes that?
The Ulster museum in Belfast is free as is the Botanic gardens nearby, Belfast city hall looks more like a palace with its statues and pillars and there are the cranes at Harland and Wolff that can be seen from most parts of the city, that's the shipyard that built the Titanic, the finest thing built in Northern Ireland until the De Loren car plant opened (the car plant also sunk)

Over in Omagh you have the American folk museum where you can see the history of the uneducated Scots/Irish that made America the country it is today, yer welcome.

Boa island, fun for all the family as long as you like pagan statues and cow shit.

Boa island to see the Celtic statue of Janus and other pre-Christian stones, don't worry there are no Boas on the island, to confuse things the Irish use boa for cow in the gheylick language, and yes there are plenty of cows there.

All wrapped up with lovely scenery, speaking of which go drive round the beautiful Glens of Antrim and dazzle the locals with yer views on how small dirty and quaint everything is, they love that.

For everyone out there, the terrorist campaign to kill all the Protestants and force the Irish to take the 6 counties of Ulster back is over, the Prods won of course. Now there is a peace, everyone loves each other and are tolerant of beliefs and culture no matter how different. the people of Northern Ireland welcome you with open arms and after a few Pernod and blackcurrants with open legs too.

Crime no longer exists and places called libraries give out free books to one and all and Van Morrison songs are piped throughout the countryside, only Scotland is more beautiful.

Saying that don't visit during the marching season (or the silly season) April to August or you may find road blocks and have yer car taken and burned, its tradition.

Now fuck off to the Republic of Ireland, Eire, The free state or doon south whatever you want to call it and drive carefully, knocking doon an elf or pixie can get you a night in the stocks with used tampons getting thrown at you.

The Irish are a strange lot.