The True Tale Of Halloween

Blessed be weary traveler, I am Lord Cuntus of the forest green. 

Two hundred years before the birth of Jesus, the Irish, Welsh and Pictish Druids worshiped Samhain (pronounced Sow-in) and on all Hallows eve would go to all the houses in their villages wearing masks demanding a sacrifice of fruit, nuts or a slain animal for their god. If the occupants of the house did not give them anything they would take one of their family members to be hanged from a tree and drained of blood which would be mixed with their wine for that night's celebration.

A turnip called a Jock was carved with a demonic face and used as a lantern to light their evil way as it would scare away the good, helpful spirits.

After the tribute of food was gathered and the sacrifices hanged they would drink and feast, since this was the night for spirits to walk the world again. The Druids would call forth Samhain ... he had other names too such as Cernunnos, Cerne, Bile or Belatucadros.

Young naked women would bend over the altar stone and present themselves to the masked Druids who (consumed by Samhian) would sow their seed within them. All male babies conceived on this night would become Druids and any females would learn herbs, healing and sandwich making.

You will live forever when you die if you believe in me, I'm laughing with you not at you ... ha ha! 

This Samhain fun would continue until the 5th century ... then they arrived. Pope Boniface I, was told of the fun the Druids were having and sent in Patrick the Destroyer to drive those snake tongued devils out of Ireland and to kill them where else he found them. With his band of holy mercenaries he killed or converted the fuck out of the Pagans.

The Druids were replaced by other men in dresses and sacrifice was only acceptable in money or land ... "who the fuck wants nuts?" said Boniface I.

The women were replace by altar boys and instead of being mystically born in a drunken fuck fest, being a holy man was just a job that anyone could do.  

Now Halloween is what it is and the spirits are well confused. To invite a spirit into yer home tonight all you have to do is put a plate of food outside yer hoose, a little bread or some cake, but not chocolate as you don't want to incur their wrath, also light a candle in yer home to guide their souls inside.

On the other hand if yer a total pussy and wish to guard yer home from spirits then say these words loud and clear, "Fuck off ya wee cunts I've no candy, I do have some handcuffs and duct tape so flee now before I turn the hose on ya"  This usually works, especially when they notice that I don't have a garden hose.  
 
   

The True History Of Halloween

 The gathering at Stonehenge where the virgin gets twerked over the sacred rock.

Halloween or O'Hallowean in ancient Celtic is a celebration that many evangelical Protestant fundies would like to see vanish.

They would also like to see the poofs vanish too.

The reason they would like that is either cos it's Catholic or it's Pagan ... ya know like that cunt Harry Potter who encourages children to play with their wands and worship Satan.

In the US it's bam, bam, bam in the shops. Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas out on the shelves in rapid succession. In Northern Ireland it's trickle, trickle .... blah. Halloween taking over from the gardening clearance goods and hey, is that Christmas decorations at the end of the aisle?   

No Thanksgiving means that Christmas shows up way early. Christmas is of course a Pagan celebration stolen by Christians, as is Halloween but the Christians this time were Catholics and so the Prods just want to gloss over it.
All saints day my arse. One of the holy days of obligation being the 1st November when Fenians have to go to mass or their tails start to burn ..... aye all these celebrations only took off in the US when the stigma of being Catholic was gone.

You can tell a lot about a culture in what it does or doesn't do.

Many of the Saints of old were Pagan gods or spirits now rewritten to suit a new audience. St Brigit or Brighid being a fine example.
Brighid was a fire goddess in the Tuatha Dé Danann (the people of Danu). She was the wife of Bes the god of inappropriate laughing, it is thought that while she watched over farmers, boatmen and children with abusive parents she also healed with many holy wells that bear her name.

Loki or Logi sure had an imagination, if it wasn't for him/her the Norse gods would have fuck all to do.



When Gods are connected with fire is can also mean inspiration and light can mean truth .... see Loki and Lucifer for reference. Brighid being a fire goddess thought for herself and didn't go along with what the sheeple were told.


Back to Halloween. It is written on the ancient Celtic stones of Carnac .... France, as there used to be a land bridge from France to Ireland in prehistoric times that Sam Hain a poor beggar went from door to door in each town doing magic tricks and sleight of hand tricks for any treats the home owner could spare.
For some reason he usually only appeared at the end of the harvest when people where storing food in preparation for winter. Some say he had a job doon south picking grapes or something.

    Sam Hain begging for treats.

Sam used a carved turnip to light his way on the dark nights. One night he called at a wealthy land owner's hoose and the owner having heard about Sam was very interested in his tricks. The land owner kept trying to figure out how Sam was doing the tricks but couldn't. Sam who had amassed lots of treats from the land owner was growing tired but obliged with his tricks until ..... a coin he had hidden up his sleeve rolled onto the ground.

The landowner grabbed his pitchfork and his henchmen and chased Sam Hain into the dark night. Sam Shouted back "I only wanted some food" and then "fuck this lantern for it's lack of light, I knew I should have carved a smiley face" Sam tripped and fell off a steep cliff and plunged into the sea below to his death.

The landowner laughed his evil laugh at Sam Hain's misfortune, but then....
 

 Appearing in front of the landowner was a 7 foot creature that smelled like turnip. "You fool!" it bellowed "I am not Sam Hain but am really Samitara who is older than the stars and as cranky as a woman on her period if crossed."

 

 The landowner was sore afraid.

 

"Every day on this date .... um it's the 31st right?" the landowner nodded. "I shall make thin the veil that separates this world and the world of the dead and you shall not laugh at them as you have done tonight, you shall honour the dead and respect those asking for treats on this night."

The landowner and his henchmen committed all that to memory.  Samitara continued, "and you shall carve turnips so the spirits can find their way to you .... no, scratch that turnips are shite for light and very hard work to carve, use pumpkins, just buy some off the Vikings."

"You shall dine with the spirits of yer loved ones in silence in a dumb supper .... nah call it a dumb dinner."

"One more thing cunt breath, yer children shall dress as the gods of old or like some cool superhero or something or yer milk will sour, yer crops will fail and the winter cold shall shake yer bones, WINTER IS COMING!"

And with that the creature vanished, leaving the moral that you should be nice to each other as you never know who is an ancient cranky gog in disguise.

 Yer Ma

The landowner went on to exploit this celebration of the dead and because it was children going door to door he called it O'Hallowean which translates into Oh hello weans (hello children) he set up a shop selling costumes and pumpkin carving sets etc  and grew very rich until he died in a jet-ski accident on his 80th birthday which some reckoned it was the curse of Sam Hain.

So celebrate the spirits on this hallowed eve and through to the dawn or just put a mask on and get blootered on the 31st some time, the spirits will find you no matter.
Beware of those who visit and leave them an offering or treat for if you anger the spirits, cursed you shall be.   

Spooky Turds On A Stick

I remember Samhuinn as I grew up in the tiny village of Frigadoon. I'm just going to take it for granted that my readers aren't complete morons and know all about Samhuinn or Samhain ............... ok yer right I had better explain it, slowly and clearly without the use of big words.
means summers end and marks the first day of winter, you'd bring the animals into the shelter of the barn, collect whatever harvest yer growing to feed you and the beasts, collect wood peat or dried shit for burning and get to baking, preserving , slaughtering and salting meat , just getting ready for the winter a head.

We'd have a feast because in November the Faeries blast every living plant with their icy breath.

We would eat nuts and place apples in a bucket of water and dunk for them grabbing them with our mouths, sacrifice homeless people and we would remember those who had passed on to the other world and set out extra food in case they turned up hungry.

You always put food outside for the Faeries to keep them happy , they like Shepherds pie (with real shepherds) or a KFC bargain bucket but no coleslaw, the Roberts next door put out some coleslaw and look at them now, well you can't look at them cos you can't bloody well find them.


In Frigadoon we didn't get many pumpkins, I suppose where ever you are you use what is grown there, my ma used a turnip, she or my da would scoop it out and carve a face on to it to make a small pathetic Jack'O'lantern, then we would be fed turnip with our dinner, fuck I hate turnip. Now when Halloween comes rounds I get the phantom taste of turnip in my mouth of Halloween past

The Irish legend says that the Devil once came to claim the soul of a no-good man named Jack. But Jack outsmarted the Devil several times and stayed alive.
When Jack eventually died, neither heaven nor hell would claim Jack.
Cursed to roam the earth forever, Jack begged the Devil for a live coal to provide light so he could navigate in limbo.

The Devil, was a soft touch when it came to Jack and not such a bad bloke , gave him a piece.

Jack put the coal into a turnip. And Jack is still walking around with his lantern until either heaven or hell will open its door to him.

The Legion is having a scary costume competition, the prize is a bottle of whisky. I think I'll be haunting a few dreams tonight in this outfit.

We never had trick or treat that's some strange American thing designed to make you fat on chocolate, I think that's the way most of their culture is set out, big is better.

My village had an ancient tradition in which Mr Brooks the village cross dresser would put on an old Boggy mask and chase you around the streets and if he caught you he'd give you a right diddling and a lolly pop and told you it was our secret and you'd get bad luck if you told. I was forever getting caught, I ran as fast as I could honestly, I'm surprised I still have all my own teeth as Mr Brooks would give you a massive lolly , one time he caught me but I had just been freshly shaved to get rid of my nits, I only got a candy apple that year.

Note

Samhain was not the fat hobbit and is pronounced "sa-wheen."

For last years timeless Halloween post chock full of sex and violence CLICK HERE.