Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Nautical But Nice

Young lads these days look different, must be the fluoride in the water. 

Last Thursday was a beautiful day. I mention this because the Northern Ireland summer has been cancelled due to government cuts but Thursday was a fine spring like day .... for summer. 
The water on Belfast lough was sparkling silver with just a hint of a breeze to cool you down. I spent the afternoon on the deck of a 32 foot sailing sloop drinking wine and singing sea shanties much like I did back during my whaling days though then it was rum .... and coke, sometimes crack, you know us semen. 

I was through me third bottle of wine and halfway through the song Hieland Laddie, you know the one, 'Was you ever in Merashee, where you stayed fast to tree, was you ever in Baltimore, dancin' on that sanded floor' and this fella was just staring at me. I can't sing when someone is staring at me, just like how Benedict Cumberbatch can't act when people record it on their phones .... we're fucking sensitive.
I says the traditional, "do you have a fucking problem mate?" and he says, "Marina security, we notified the owner of this yacht and he didn't give you permission to be on it, you are upsetting the other members and their children with your songs and foul language, you are also trespassing and the police have been called."

I thought Old Knudsen was a party pooper ... no seriously I take a big dump at a party to break the ice and to give people something to talk about. Old Knuden's poop can actually break ice, it hurts coming out but handy when yer ice fishing in the Artic.  

"I suppose the owner didn't give me permission to drink his wine and go through his cabin."

He looked a little shaken at that and said that if the negligee wasn't mine I was going to have to take it off. 
Is this what Old Knudsen fought for? Are these his freedoms? Surely there must be a maritime law about salvage, there was no one on board when Old Knudsen climbed on and no one said anything about trespassing when Old Knudsen creeped walked past the reception. Feels a little like entrapment to me. 
Turns out that the marina security guard was stronger than he looks and that Old Knudsen still can't swim. It's lucky I suppose that the police don't bother to show up for misunderstandings like this or I'd never be out of prison. 
Ach the way I see it is that if yer man can afford a nice boat like that then he can afford a good stain remover, not my fault it was probably yon bottles of Red Bordeaux I was drinking, the date on them was 1999, I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure that they were well out of date. If me tummy doesn't settle doon soon I may take the fucker to court. 

Learn from Old Knudsen's experiences.    


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