Nautical But Nice

Young lads these days look different, must be the fluoride in the water. 

Last Thursday was a beautiful day. I mention this because the Northern Ireland summer has been cancelled due to government cuts but Thursday was a fine spring like day .... for summer. 

The water on Belfast lough was sparkling silver with just a hint of a breeze to cool you down. I spent the afternoon on the deck of a 32 foot sailing sloop drinking wine and singing sea shanties much like I did back during my whaling days though then it was rum .... and coke, sometimes crack, you know us semen. 

I was through me third bottle of wine and halfway through the song Hieland Laddie, you know the one, 'Was you ever in Merashee, where you stayed fast to tree, was you ever in Baltimore, dancin' on that sanded floor' and this fella was just staring at me. I can't sing when someone is staring at me, just like how Benedict Cumberbatch can't act when people record it on their phones .... we're fucking sensitive.

I says the traditional, "do you have a fucking problem mate?" and he says, "Marina security, we notified the owner of this yacht and he didn't give you permission to be on it, you are upsetting the other members and their children with your songs and foul language, you are also trespassing and the police have been called."

I thought Old Knudsen was a party pooper ... no seriously I take a big dump at a party to break the ice and to give people something to talk about. Old Knuden's poop can actually break ice, it hurts coming out but handy when yer ice fishing in the Artic.  

"I suppose the owner didn't give me permission to drink his wine and go through his cabin."

He looked a little shaken at that and said that if the negligee wasn't mine I was going to have to take it off. 

Is this what Old Knudsen fought for? Are these his freedoms? Surely there must be a maritime law about salvage, there was no one on board when Old Knudsen climbed on and no one said anything about trespassing when Old Knudsen creeped walked past the reception. Feels a little like entrapment to me. 

      

Turns out that the marina security guard was stronger than he looks and that Old Knudsen still can't swim. It's lucky I suppose that the police don't bother to show up for misunderstandings like this or I'd never be out of prison. 

Ach the way I see it is that if yer man can afford a nice boat like that then he can afford a good stain remover, not my fault it was probably yon bottles of Red Bordeaux I was drinking, the date on them was 1999, I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure that they were well out of date. If me tummy doesn't settle doon soon I may take the fucker to court. 

Learn from Old Knudsen's experiences.    

 

Oooh Baby Baby

East Belfast where the men and men and so are the weemen.

Up The Bhumibol No Babies

We all grieve in different ways. The recent loss of my father has reminded me that I have many friends that surround me and want to help me through this difficult time. I most of all want to thank a fellow soul in pain Amy up the shithoose as I call her, without her access to vast amounts of alcohol and drugs I'd be a mess.

I am slowly getting back to the trivial shite that is blogging and have done some stories elsewhere on my blogs. I just thought I'd give you all something to wank over.

Oh and India, Pakistan says yer a cunt and so are yer cows.

Oh and Pakistan, India says yer a load of goat raping terrorists.


Just doing my bit for world peace and if yer thinking on going to Zimbabwe for a holiday don't drink the water and that includes ice-cubes. Of course I'm sure Mugabe is blaming Britain that a third of his cuntry is Cholera ridden and the rest has violence and famine.

I was watching the captions on the BBC world news (which are terrible but I'm a bit mutt and jeff) and Instead of saying Thailand's King Bhumibol it said 'King Bum' missed his parade. Enough with yer subliminal leftist messages BBC I can form my own opinions and so can my readers as soon as I tell them what to think.

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Do Farts Smell Lovely In Heaven?

I was once a sergeant in the police force investigating the huge hippy populations on the remote Scottish Isles.
Hippies mean one thing, long hair and drugs .......... ok thats two things. I was tricked into walking into a huge wickerman when I was told there was free drink inside. All I found was death because those stoned hippies set it a light as a sacrifice to Harry Pothead the dark God of weed. These tossers were amateurs as I had already died and have been reanimated by a Voodoo zombie prince and still had 3 lives left. I didn't have the means to confine them and torture statements out of them so I fashioned a large wooden cross and bludgeoned them to death with the lard. "Kill them all and let God sort out the stoned."

Someday my time will be up and I shall sing with the Heavenly choir eternal but for now I'm sort of alive and kicking.

Who of those featured below do you think will die first? welcome to the very first and probably the last installment of Celebrity Death-race 3000.

Patrick Swayze was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in January and given 5 weeks to live. The cunt is still ticking. His cancer has boosted his career and has given him a TV series called 'The Beast' which is about a large mutant vagina that goes from town to town eating people, what an ironic twist on muff diving. Swayze plays FBI agent Dan Bradwin and he and his animated space monkey partner follow the trail of *fanny* batter to find the killer.


Ted Kennedy famous for killing staff members and being the usual two faced Kennedy politician has a brain tumor. It has been said that the Devil himself will come up from Hell to collect this ones soul.



Some pubs or bars have betting pools on how long it will be before Barack Obama gets assassinated. Lets hope he fixes a few of Bush's fuck ups before he gets killed and immortalised as a saint.



Amy Winehouse has talent and whatever she is a tortured soul, with a face like that what can you expect? This chavette cannot last anymore longer, why would God do that? Why does God not keep good people like Paul Newman alive forever by giving them the wasted life force of people like Winehouse? I will be having words with that cunt of a deity when I go up to judge him on judgement day.


Bear Grylls eats rotting carcasses and squeezes the contents of a camel's stomach for water. He must have more parasites in his body than anyone ever. Its only a matter of time before the Sting-rays or the Lemurs get him. Drop him off in Killamory with an 'I love the Pope' T-shirt on and we'll see how long he survives.


Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the mouthpiece of Iran recently had a bout of man flu. Also one of his top yes men was found to have had a fake degree. Mahmoud laughed it off and said it was only a piece of paper. No Mahmoud it was a nit-picky excuse to get rid of one of yer people yer on yer way out lad. Yer last performance review was shite and the people are sick of you. You are the weakest link Goodbye.

Who will go first? or maybe some cunt jealous of not being included will go. Its like people you want to see naked you never see the ones you want. Those you want to die (I have a long list) will live to old age and you'll have a sagging pencil thin trollop saying, "Thats Hot!" thinking that she is sexy as she does now.



*Arse in America and vadge in the real world*


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Mute Monday

The theme for this week is intoxication, as a wise man once said: "Moderation is for monks and yer my best fucking mate and I love ya, no really seriously I love ya :::::::blach::::: sorry mate was that yer shoes?"






You go to bed with Halle Berry and wake up with Haile Selassie .

Don't eat the mints.

Better out than in.

You really are so beautiful fancy a shag before I go on a secret space mission that I may not come back from?

Stop the room spinning I'm trying to sleep.

Who hasn't been here after a few dozen drinks?

So fucking hot!

Ginger Gerry scourge of the streets of Belfast R.I.P.

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Castro The Dead Spide

Chav, White trash, Ned, whatever, pimp up yer Spide.

Is that KFC? do you deliver?

What a funny world we have going on at the minute I can't wait to see what Pervez Musharraf in Pakistan is going to pull out of his hat to stay in power now that he was talked into doing that democracy crap, you'd think that people could see by now that it doesn't work.

Kosovo has claimed independence and has been recognised by America, Britain, France and Germany to name a few. Spain and Russia say no. Ever since we bitch slapped the Spanish Armada in 1588 and I made their commander Medina Sidonia gag on my huge cock (as was the way back then) before sending him off to breed with the Irish I couldn't care less about the Spaniards, whose ascared of Al Qaeda? Spain is!

Only the Russians would think about making Russian Roulette easier. For ages 3 and up.

Now the Russians are just crazy brutal cunts, you'd better pay yer gas bill on time or they will point their nukes at you. They are feeling a little surrounded at the moment which is worrying because they are bound to push back, threatening the Ukraine with nuclear holocaust if they joined NATO is just the start, this Kosovo thing is the start to the new cold war.

Where am I and why am I wet?

Fidel Castro has stepped doon as dictator by writing a letter of resignation, yeah right. I killed that cunt way back in August 2007, anything they say don't believe it. Who would you believe commies or me?
No change for Cuba as Bush still sees the Castros in charge.

Most importantly was that singer/crackhoor Amy Winehoose won 5 Granny awards which is named after the inventor of the Granny Smith apple.
Obama won one for his audio book beating Bill Clinton (again) as Bill was getting sucked off during the taping and didn't enunciate as well.

I'm not much of a Winehoose fan I can't get past the drugs/drinking and face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle. Yeah yeah a tortured artist who has it so bad, I do understand her somewhat as I have a degree in pop psychology.

Sure she suffers from depression, with a face like that what can you expect ? yet another of Gods jokes, I knew this lass named Anne, she was 18 but looked 40, ugly as sin with a humped back but she could sure sing like some Goblin Angel thing.

Depressed people sometimes get so bad that they see no other option than to give up and cave in or others allow themselves to give up as a form of woe is me attention. Going by her lyrics she has allowed herself to be self-destructive as a self-fulfilling prophecy thing, "don't get close to me cos I'll bore of you and burn you as I burn myself." I've heard some of her songs and they are catchy and good, she writes what she knows like the best bloggers do and its from the back of the head and the heart.

Winehoose has been compared to the likes of Janis Joplin or Billie Holiday I hate that shit its like when they call a film the new Die Hard or something instead of just rating it on its own merits.

People have a rosy memory of those famous figures from the past, just look at JFK that man was a total prick but now people go on about how great he was and what did he do? Theres a lot between saying and doing.

Speaking of daughters isn't she hot? shes someones daughter you know.

Back to the Grannys, Natalie Cole the daughter of Nat King Cole said that Winehoose shouldn't get the awards because she isn't a good influence on kids. Cole has done drugs in her time and has gotten clean (allegedly) I think that's the pot calling the kettle black if you pardon the pun. I remember Natalie Cole, she was famous for 5 minutes in the 80's when she used her dead father on video to record a duet, a totally forgettable song that I can't remember right now but hey what a classy way to get fame, beats talent anyday.

Yank: "Don't you gesture at me you brown person, you'd be speaking German if it wasn't for us." Brown Person:"Sir er madam please calm doon." Yank: "USA USA USA!"

Cole is just miffed that a Brit won big and someone as cool as Britney (don't let the name fool you shes a yank) wasn't there to show them how its done.

Cool Britannia! I'd hoist that up my flag pole.


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