Man Has Epiphany

Dr Charles A Moss has made it his life work to study the Bible to to bring it to life by figuring out what the 10 plagues of Egypt really were.   

He first had to figure out how the Nile could turn red, was it the volcano Mount Thera in the Mediterranean which erupted in the middle of the second millennium BC?

Was it acidic ash spewing down in the rain that turned the rivers red forcing the frogs to hop to land causing the second plague?

A load of dead frogs would be a breeding ground for the next two plagues of gnats and flies, the livestock would be next to die after eating all that ash covered grass.

The boils could have been acid burns from the rain or syphilis from fucking goats.

Hail??? well it does hail ... The Bible says the hail thus did fall down and it was the size of golf balls. What else would they have compared it to?
Ach maybe it was the rainy season, the Nile delta was quite fertile and full of trees back then.

Locusts, they have always had swarms of locusts, someone writing the Bible was probably making all of this sound worse than it was.

 God has sent down the smoke monster ... no wait, it's just a murmuration of Starlings.

God wouldn't threaten someone with a handful of locusts or a murmuration of Starlings. Quite lame plagues really. I mean it took 10 and they still didn't want to set the Jews free maybe God should have tried an army of crocodiles or maybe lions ..... flies, seriously? "Oh fuck a fly just landed on my dinner plate, I am so not eating this, fuck this plague."  The Americans got fanatical Japan to surrender with only 2 nukes, that is way more impressive than flies.

Did the person or people who wrote the werd of God spice it up a little? They gave flat Egypt some rocks and hills so why not a bit of oppression and a plague or two?

When people are hungry they say, "I'm starving" ..... well yer fat belly says yer not. When cold they say, "I'm freezing" when aroused they say, "I'm horny" we don't expect them to die from the slight chill or to have grown a horn .... oh never mind with that last one.

Cornucopia by the way or as the ladies tell me the horn of plenty. 

Three days of darkness? Probably just overcast because of all this crazy ass weather. Dr Moss has studied the plagues of Egypt and the plight of the Jews and their Exodus since 1967, if the volcano theory is correct then maybe it had a second eruption and ash blocked the sun or maybe it was a sand storm or blindness from that thick beer they ate back then. 

The death of the firstborns was probably down to sacrifice to bring back the nice weather and a healthy harvest. The Egyptians were a little nuts so it wouldn't surprise me. Moses could have went all Apocalypse now and killed them himself because according to Numbers 31: 13:18 he was a crazy bloodthirsty fucker. Kill all the males including the children and kill the women who aren't virgins and save the ones that are for us.
Sounds more like ISIS, Christians have some weird role models.

Then it occurred to Dr Moss, all these years of figuring out how these plagues all happened one after the other, maybe it was just a load of made up shite. While God did answer his prayer for Lucky Lad to come in first on race day he ignored all his other bets and his prayer to not give him colon cancer, what gives God?

He had even named his first son Moses, yes Moses Moss, how could he be so cruel? .... Then again his second son got Trevor as a name so not much better.

He realised that there was no archeological proof that the Jews had ever been held captive in Egypt. No pottery considering they were supposed to have been there for over 400 years. Even Israeli archeologists who have dug like fuck all up and down Israel cannot find any evidence of a large and sudden settlement of people anywhere.

"What have I done with my life?" said Dr Moss "I should have been a dentist like my mother had said, they always get the hot chicks, my wife is plain and believes what she reads in the Bible."    

One other piece of evidence that points to the Jews never having been to Egypt is the fact that they were the only visitors to Egypt who never, ever once mentioned seeing the great Pyramids or the Sphinx. You'd think that would have been worth a mention had they actually had been there.