The Gospel Truth

If you have an important message or some wisdom to share it's best you write it down right? Diogenes, Polemon, Pythagoras, Plato, Socrates, Sallust, Aristotle and countless more going back 6 hundred years BC have ensured that their wisdom is spread to thanks to FB memes. 

Happiness is the meaning and purpose of life ~ Aristotle 

They were wise and did not rely on uneducated followers who may have been good at catching fish and spinning the odd yarn but no way did they trust their words of wisdom to them on the off chance that it got repeated. 

"I wasn't there but Billy's cousin's friend said he saw Jesus walk on water because footpaths are just so pedestrian and that he turned water into wine after brewing it for 3 weeks .... true story bro"

 Then I said to the private don't call me 'sir' you little tosser, I work for a living. 

While old Knudsen was in the army, a high ranking officer gave a speech and he told the famous tale that is most likely an urban legend about an order given in the trenches during WWI. The order was, 'We are going to advance, can you send us reinforcements?'

That message got passed on until it reached its target and due to the various people it went through the order was now, 'We are going to a dance, can you lend us three and fourpence?'

It didn't get a laugh, in fact we were quite the tough crowd. The life of Brian covered Chinese whispers with that blessed are the cheese makers scene. Did Jesus have a scribe follow him everywhere turning his adventures into dime store novels?

 What's he doing? Is it some words of wisdom?

Could Jesus even write? He was a carpenter and though some called him Rabbi that could have just meant teacher. Maybe he taught woodwork and substituted as the PE teacher too. Take yer shirts off, your team are skins .... um but what about our covenant with God?    

Which is why you play 5 a side, not four a side in case you had to be the four skins ... Ka-Chow!  

Can you trust the word of a carpenter? You can't even trust rulers and tape measures and they use those all the time. I thought the old expression was you measure once and count it twice, for years I've been telling folk (family, friends and the staff at Tesco) about my 8 inch penis, no wonder the shelves I put up always look weird. 

The real expression is measure twice, cut once then when you fuck it up hire a pro but claim that you did it. 

 The fucker just wrote his name!

If Jesus existed (no proof that he did) then why didn't he write down his words? You don't ride a donkey on a special day and hold outdoor sermons if you aren't trying to get a following. The fucker didn't even have a blog or maybe we'll find it in a cave someday. The Dead sea blog.  

Comments, John:  "First!"  

                  Genesis:   "Second :(" 

                  Revelations: "last"

                  Yummymummy: "I made 18,000 Shekels working from home"

The Romans were great at keeping records and accounts which is odd they didn't mention Jesus and all the trouble he put them through. Nope, not a word. 

 I would have put more dick chopping in it.

The Old Testament was written by who? Some semi illiterate drug addled blood thirsty rape and incest loving hack that hadn't even been to Egypt it seems. No one owned up to writing it cos it was sooo crap. 

You know nothing Jesus Christ

The New Testament came from stories told 30 years plus after the death of Jesus, the guy that no one had ever heard of. Complied by the Romans 400 later who picked what they wanted to go into it. Many chapters didn't make it into the book.

Not a single word was written by Jesus and because this old fisherman told me so isn't such great proof. The agenda at the time was to spread Christianity and to replace paganism as new trends appeared. It's funny how the Christians go on about being persecuted for their faith, maybe they were for a few years but there was never a sustained, targeted persecution of them. 

Nothing compared to what Christians did to Muslims, Pagans, women and yer basic heretic which could be anyone that wasn't them. 

Those stories we've seen of Christians hiding in caves to meet in secret came from about 6 colourful accounts written as late as 311 AD and written for various reasons that may have bent fact a little. People got executed for numerous reasons that wasn't their faith.

For 3 years 303 - 306 AD the Romans recorded that Christians were not allowed to hold public office. The main beef the Romans had was the divine status of the emperor. How could you trust people that didn't think the guy fucking his horse was a god? 

I'm pretty sure this isn't horse riding.

Back then Christianity was probably viewed as a crazy cult as followers still believed in the end of the world as they do today 2000 years on and often sought out martyrdom. Death by Roman. 

So not only were Christians in public office but they had temples and lived openly amongst the pagan Romans. The largest religion in the world today and they still whine about being persecuted .... they are fucken crazy and paranoid not persecuted. 

You can thank the Romans for making Christianity, not second hand stories from people that allegedly saw miracles and ghosts. Jesus didn't write down any of his important words because he didn't have any. 

The Gospel truth, terms and conditions may apply as truth is a matter of perspective. 

   

Vote For Anyone Else

 

So it's voting tomorrow, I don't need to say that if you vote DUP, TUV or UUP that yer supporting bigotry and are a part of the problem .... that should be pretty clear by now.

If you vote Ukip then just stop wasting my air please ....  Ukip leader David McNarry will be voting against all attempts to - "redefine marriage or liberalise abortion law in Northern Ireland." 

If you are female, ghey or both and you vote for these parties, yer too dumb to save because they hate what YOU stand for and want to keep you as second class citizens.  

If for some reason you vote Conservative .... you aren't using yer head and just think that Cameron looks like a proper Prime Minister and that Ed Miliband  reminds you of Mr Bean which is fair enough I suppose. Lets vote for anyone but the self-entitled right wing twats .... trust me on this, Old Knudsen wouldn't steer you wrong. If he ran the werld it would be a better place, this shite is a doddle as long as you don't fuck it up. 

  Cum and marvel over God's creation.

Paul McLean from the DUP in Mid Ulster, said he took the 'biblical perspective' when looking at issues such as homosexuality and marriage equality because all that thinking and forming opinions really does hurt yer head.  

"The biblical perspective speaks against it, and I take the biblical perspective, I don’t agree with the process, but I have no issue with the people. It goes against the bible’s stance - so I don’t believe it should be legal."

He has no problem with gheys he just doesn't think they deserve equal rights and has expressed his personal view that homosexuality should be made illegal again though the DUP have said that they are not promoting that policy as of this time even though its party leader has said that homosexuality was against Christian teachings.

McLean said:  

"As a Christian who believes in the stance of the bible I believe it (homosexuality) is morally wrong. It is spiritually wrong and I don’t think it should be legal."

He then said:

"I believe that those people are human beings and need to be treated as such."

I'm pretty sure that this shows he has an issue with the people, I'm surprised he didn't say 'those' people.Yeah hey I don't have any problem with black people I just think that slavery is good, they had slaves in the Bible you know.

The last bit in no way makes up for what he is saying, like most of the Bible it is contrary. However he didn't say that all human beings should be treated with respect by him, he was just stating a half arsed fact. Like Jims Wells telling the two leezers that their lifestyle was an abomination and then trying to apologise, that right there is classic abuse tactics.  

I wonder what other things McLean he has gone to the Bible in order to get a perspective for. If only he'd actually read the Bible instead of having what to think given to him by people who have read it with their own agenda in mind. 

A man who does not think for himself does not think at all.  ~ Oscar Wilde

God Loves Gay Marriage

Political parties that make decisions for you based on Bible scripture .... so much fail it's hard to comprehend.
If the DUP and other so-called "Christian" orientated political parties decide on same sex marriage based on their interpretation of a badly written thousands of years old book then what is stopping them from deciding other things that they just haven't told you about? 

The US is deciding on whether or not to make marriage equality the law in every state.

The DUP considers homosexuality an abomination and will say how they have nothing against gheys it's just that the Bible .... oh so that's yer excuse to be a bigot, the Bible made me do it. They have nothing against blacks either, they think every home should have one, they save on the woman doing all the hoose werk. 

The DUP leader Peter Robinson should read that bit about let he who is without sin cast the first stone or would he interrupt that as being ok to stone people? ... The DUP are good Protestant white men surely any of their sins don't count. 

Like Hilary standing by Bill after he was sucked off by the chubby intern, Peter stood by Iris when she had an affair with a younger man. When I say stood by he made sure everyone knew she was getting treated for mental illness because hey, she must be fucking nuts to cheat on him right?

"A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones."  ~Proverbs 12:4

Nowhere in the Bible does it state that marriage is between a man and a woman. Back then there were no marriage certificates and the government did not get involved in such matters, it was between you and God. The whole man and woman, laws of the government etc is a modern invention. Unions were made to strengthen families and clans or to get a few extra goats.

"Rehoboam loved Maacah the daughter of Absalom above all his wives and concubines" ~ Chronicles 11:21

Fuck yeah DUP, of course the weemen weren't allowed boy toys cos that is just immoral. He had eighteen wives and sixty concubines, and fathered twenty-eight sons and sixty daughters.   

Of course lets not forget the divorcees ... cunts! The divorce rate in the UK is at 42% with 71% of divorces on the first marriage. One in seven were doon to adultery so you can't go blaming the gheys on destroying the sanctity of marriage.   

" For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty," says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. "So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife." ~ Malachi 2:16

So the DUP and other Gog bothering political parties like the US Republicans would make divorce illegal .... even though the DUP's Protestantism was created out of spite when the Pope refused to let Henry number 8 divorce, oh the irony. 

They are always banging on to make homosexuality illegal too like it was in 1982 in Northern Ireland. I believe the 70's and 80's were the DUP's perfect time with big Ian Paisley yammering away, well off Protestant land owners having more than one vote and the police and the soldiers being on their side against the papes, like how the Tories, Ukip and the GOP dream about 1950's values and a time when weemen and ethnic people knew their place. 

After twisting the Bible to conform into making homosexuality an abomination you'd better add  eating pork, rabbit, or any seafood that does not have scales (lobster, crab, clams) as abominations too.

So DUP Bible laws would be:

1)No gheys, maybe prison or werk camps for them.

2)No divorcing yer abusive spouse.

3)Yer allowed to stone sinful weemen. 

4)No bacon and no prawn cocktail crisp sandwiches. 

5)Segregated schools Catholic/Protestant like how most schools still are, didn't Paul say something about no taigs welcome? 

6)Band parades through all the Fenian housing areas cos Jesus loved a good march. 

7)Multiple wives and gurlfriends for the blokes.

 

I can't speak for you but I was sorta on board until number 4. The stoning of weemen would of course lead back to the hanging and burning of witches (old, poor and disabled people) like in the good ol 1700's and maybe we'd behead the queers for the lolz .... Aye, the DUP are ready to become ISIS/Daesh at a drop of a hat. 

Some verses have been taken out of context in the Bible to mean a man and a woman for marriage even though Jesus mostly only talked about heterosexual divorce. It was a different time with different values that don't apply today. In Sodom Lot offered up his 2 virgin daughters for the crowd to do what they pleased with rather than give up the two male guests in his home .... And Lot was one of the good uns. 

Boy on boy sodomy was cool with Bible folk just as it was in the Roman and ancient Greek world. Moses even mentioned the male and female temple prostitutes, for the record he was against prostitution in the hoose of God .... keep it to the streets and the docks says I. 

Paul didn't have a problem with turd burgling, he did have an issue with pederasty, that is the practice of an older male taking a young boy as his student or lover. A thing we find disgusting today that was the norm at one time just as slavery and weemen not voting was our norm. How can you decide what is what when you don't understand the historical context?

Quoting scripture to make a point is like arguing with idiots but you do what you have to if their moral compass is so fucked up that they think treating queers as anything less than equal to them is right.

In the words of the famous fictional character Jesus H Christ: 

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."  ~ John 13:34

I can't fault that line of reasoning unless during cases of self defense as turning the other cheek would only happen if there were free drink and plenty of lube. 

He didn't say be dicks to everyone by claiming to know the word of God. The moral high ground is not yers, yer prideful ways tastes like cack. Old Knudsen just got a head text from God and guess what? yer wrong DUP, God loves the bumhole penetration, if he doesn't may he strike me dead on the spot ...... still waiting. 

   

 

 

 

ISIS Destroy The Tomb Of Jesus

 

Not content with destroying ancient statues and the tombs belonging to Prophets Daniel and Jonah, ISIS/Daesh have also destroyed the tomb of Jesus.

In the year 33 AB (after birth) when Jesus was crucified his body was taken to Mosul to be buried with all the other greats of the Bible. The New Testament says that Jesus was alive and taken up to Heaven but the translation was wrong, instead of esben which means soul it was read as esbin which means body and so it was his soul that was alive after 3 days and taken up to Heaven, leaving his poor broken body behind.

 

The tomb of Jesus  

Of course people didn't actually really see Jesus after he died, they wanted to believe they saw or felt him but seriously ....  so quit taking this whole zombie Jesus rising from the grave so literally.  In Matthew there are mentions of Jesus' siblings and James his brother was known for his Jesus party piece as they looked quite similar so scholars believe this was attributed to some thinking that they saw Jesus.   

Jesus is in the Quran along with Jonah (swallowed by a whale) as mere prophets so Daesh did not think anything of destroying his tomb.

Pat Robertson the American counter-part to the Pope had been warning that this could happen and has been unsuccessfully for years demanding that the body of Jesus be moved to his rightful place of Lexington Virginia which happens to be Robertson's home town.

Robertson demanded yesterday that the anti-Christ Obama be removed from office and that the US should go and bomb someone or something in divine retribution. 47 Republican senators have signed Robertson's petition for this action. At the time of this writing the petition had 48 signatures.

When asked about the offensive against ISIL and what plans it had to defeat them the White house commented, "We and our allies are continuing to bomb key positions in Syria, Yemen and maybe Belgium we are also having a huge display of military might on the border of Ukraine, if you want to know more watch the President on The late late show tonight."  
  

The skull of John the Baptist on display at the British Museum.

There have been rumors that when the British occupied Mosul in 2003 they replaced all the holy bodies with replicas and keep the real thing at the British museum in London as they do with many of the world's priceless antiquities because you just can't trust yon ragheads, this has not been confirmed though.   

Is Galactus Really God?

Many think the cosmic entity Galactus is really the God of the Old Testament.

The Belfast Telegraph loves to do polls, just to see how stupid the population still is. If it wasn't for these polls we wouldn't have found out that it was the middle classes who were not voting rather than the lower classes.
After doing a survey at the DUP annual conference they found out that 40% of DUP activists believe that creationism should be taught in science classes.

As you know, Creationism is the belief that the world is only about 6,000 years old and that it was all created by a superior magical being . All the ancient dinosaur bones are a trick by Satan who just likes to fuck about.
Science has discovered that the earth is 4.5 billion years old but since we can't even imagine how much a billion is then that must be wrong.

Considering that in Genesis, on the third day of creation the magical being who we'll call 'God' grew plants and trees from seed rather than popping out fully grown plants, and there is no reason to think that God sped up the growing process so therefore we have already fucked up what is considered to be a day. The plants bore fruit which means that the third creation day took years and wasn't just a period of 24 hours.

Adam must have been Hispanic as you wouldn't expect a white dude to do so much work.

On the 6th day God created all the animals and then needed some help so he created Adam to work the land.
Adam had his work cut out for him since all the plants had grown to maturity and no one had cut the grass at all.
God who seems like a bit of a cunt, then told him to give all the animals names, "but master I ain't had no education and you want me to do all this in a day?"

Naming an animal every 10 seconds for days. A lion .... I'll call you furryheads a Giraffe .... like duh, Longnecks of course . Thank fuck he only had to name the animals of ground and air.

God must have been worried about his labour costs and so to keep his labour figure doon he worked poor Adam like a hoor.

Give a magical being a chance, you try creating life in the first go. 

He obviously made chicks with dicks too and we give praise for that.

Aye it's been a long day for Adam so God put him to sleep and experimented on him creating Eve. I suspect that Eve wasn't the first creation as other texts mention Lilith who wasn't such a door mat and went off for some demon cock. How many others were made?

After Adam saw Eve he said "at last" which also points to a day being longer than 24 hours. He also said, "Damn my balls are blue, I've had to shag woolies since the furryheads nearly killed me" God said you'd just lie there and take it, not like Lilith who wanted to do weird stuff like being on top.      

Don't get me started on the whole 'it's all weemen's fault' crap, who wouldn't believe a talking snake? If God made a talking snake then obviously he wants us to listen to him.... lies didn't exist back then.

Ach if weemen weren't so gullible Old Knudsen wouldn't have been able to bed over 84,000 (that he can remember) of them.
We still continue to blame weemen as nothing can possibly be men's fault. Got raped by a football team? has to be her fault as we have the play offs next month.

Lilith wouldn't have got us thrown out.

God later on mentions how he kept his covenant for 1,000 generations to love those who loved and obeyed him.
Right there that suggests 40,000 years in real money.

You can blame poor translation of words or that it was never intended to be a historical record as there is no proof of the hearsay mentioned in the Bible so how the fuck can you teach creationism in schools? How the fuck can you justify teaching religion in school full stop? unless it's for mythology rather than being presented as fact.

Religion doesn't teach you to be a better person going by all the Christians molesting children and generally being self-righteous pricks.

Being Christian seems to turn some men into weeman hating homophobes. 

Back to the polls, so 50% of DUP members at the conference surveyed believed creationism should not! be taught in science class. 10% didn't know and 40% thought it should be there as well as, or instead of, mainstream science.

I'm worried about the 10% going to a political meeting and not having an opinion, how could you not have an opinion?

Edwin Poots also had  66% support for his lifetime ban on sexually active ghey men giving blood, only 28% were against it while 6%  hadn't been told what to think yet.

If there was a ban on gheys giving blood in Northern Ireland we would just get blood from England if there was a shortage. England is not as backwards as Northern Ireland and allow gheys to donate blood so this ban that Poots wants is stupid and doesn't help anyone. It targets and discriminates against turd burglars thats the only thing it does.

 

The UK has a state religion that is the Church of England, religion is compulsory in every school though there isn't a grade given for it. While religion gets taught to all the pupils science does not.

Only just over half the population claim to be Christian with 63% of those people not having been to a place of worship in the past year.

If you are in government you should leave yer religion at home. No swearing on the Bible or holding a prayer session and definitely no making decisions based on what Galactus, God or the Hulk would do or what you would think they would do. 

There would be a shit load of trouble if a Muslim politician tried to ban us from eating bacon wouldn't there? So why do we allow politicians to equate being Christian to being a good and moral person? 

Ballymena Whats That About?

Meanwhile in Ballymena Adam Robinson was beaten and tortured after a week long drink and drugs hoose party. His three fellow party goers Teri Lau, David Roddy Patterson and Paula Wilson had an argument about the exact wording of some Bible scriptures during a game of Guess my sermon and assaulted him up in the bathroom.

Robinson was stripped naked and thrown into a wheelie that was then taped shut and wheeled to a park a mile away.

What the fuck is wrong with Ballymena people? Old Knudsen has had to deal with some this week and boy where they stupid and rude .... thats three separate people.

Sure they live out in the Bible belt full of farmers and junkies so I guess I should cut them some slack but they for some reason think they are better than everyone else, thats like those country bumpkins the hobbits thinking they are better than the dwarfs.

  Look Frodo it's a big sexy tractor bey. 

They live in a town that they call City of the seven towers, they ain't a city and they don't have 7 towers..... what the fuck?
You know what Ballymena? yer shopping is shite.

Gog botherers, angry farmers, snooty bigots, junkies, drunks and sheep .... doesn't sound so bad after all.

 

Let Us Prey............... On The Weak

The Bible is the best selling book of all time, totally out selling Old Knudsen's collection of cunt poetry. 50 Bibles are sold worldwide every minute so that means 'there are 50 born again every minute' not 'one born every minute.'

The Bible is also great for reading while having a shite. The paper is the same as that cheap toilet paper so just rip out the bits you don't like and wipe yer hole with it, all that peace and love stuff can go for a start and before you know it you have standard to live yer life by.

If God was on his side then God is evil and Satan is good so therefore this is the great lie that is spoken of. Makes sense to me, you just don't want to believe.

The Bible is also the most shoplifted book in the world. probably those Fenian cocksuckers.

In Kenya just recently a mob of 300 killed 11 people in their town that they suspected of witchcraft, sounds like God's good work to me.

A plea from little Johnny

Grandfather if yer reading this please cum home we love you.

Fact: No American has died of old age since 1951.

That was the year the government eliminated that classification on death certificates.

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