God Told Me To

Old Knudsen has had it oh yes he is bloody pissed off it seems the Free Presbyterian church has decided it is wrong for Old Knudsen to have a relationship with a female because she was born with a penis. C'mon people its not like I'm ghey or anything gross like that.

Old Knudsen is splitting with the church and promoting his own. Not Santeria, Church of England and definitely not Fenian, Old Knudsen is getting modern yet stealing all that is good about Free Presbyterianism. Old Knudsen presents Wii Presbyterianism.

Merely point yer wii at the telly and make the congregation sing a somber hymn like, "Jesus touched me down below" or "Suffer little Fenian cum unto me" its great you don't have to leave the hoose you can worship all day and night with yer wii in yer hand in front of the telly.


Let a lovely lady friend use yer wii as she pumps it up and doon to get the organ going, oh yeah cumbyah Lard I'm a coming to heaven!

To follow the Scriptures correctly a true Protestant must protest to be one with God and the best thing about Wii Presbyterianism is you can go out to places that show questionable plays or movies and shake yer wii at the public to show yer disgust at their ungodliness.

Nothing like a group of Christian men and weemen shaking wii's to get the public's attention, NO to same sex marriage NO to once a month sex marriage we demand different sex all the time and as long as the man cums then God is happy.

Climb aboard my wii to Heaven cos all the other religions will burn in the firey pits of Hell. Grab a wii and shake it fer God he doesn't care how silly you look he just likes a happy ending with fluffy clouds and shit.


"Jesus touched me doon below, its our secret he told me so, don't tell mummy or yer Da they'll burn in Hell and so will ya. Yes Jesus touched me the video told me so."


Let Jesus touch you today and let him enter onto you.............. but stay away from the Pope, hes a pedo ya know.

The Devil Of Mendes Returns

If Old Knudsen knew the mystery of Maths he would tell you he'd been off the line for about 10 days. Oh he doesn't sit around and play with himself all day, just part of the day. I moved into a new neighbourhood no longer the ghetto.

I live with Woohoo's adopted semi-celebrity parents in West Dale. No gun shots or gangs in fact one person waved hello to me that fucker must have meant something rude by it so I just gave them the finger to make sure and I didn't use lube.


In rooms built for giants I manage to represent. I'll go into my living accommodations at a later time as I don't want them knowing I slagged them off too half the world, not until I'm ready to leave any way.

Are all Americans crazy or is Old Knudsen a magnet for them?


Old Knudsen did help out on the Station fires but don't call him a hero, well ok you can but he'd rather have money.
Here I am on me lunch break about to eat some pussy.

On a spare day I helped to move Woohoo's neice into Redhill college a place full of young wanna be hippies and skinny gurls wearing short shorts. I stayed for lunch and cleaned them out of their hard boiled eggs at the all you can eat.................... just in case you wondered what that smell was.


Hardly front page news must have been a slow news day but there was nothing slow about Old Knudsen, Wam Bam what no thanks Mam?


Old Knudsen chilled and kicked it with a figment of his imagination by the name of The Kevlar Rooster the lad cannae afford new jeans.
We then drank the blood of young runaways and did other Free Presbyterian things that may shock you.


I also brutally fucked Meagan Faux to help her career and because she paid me, why else would I do a disgusting thing like that? Old Knudsen hates himself sometimes he now understands how you all feel about him.


No I'm more orange than you, out on route 66 again with Bono's orange stand. All this time I thought U2 were Taigs.


Woohoo and I strolled along the beach with our new son Wheetabix until his real parents and the peelers caught up with us but we'll always have our memories, well my old timers is in serious overdrive so as long as I remember I have a blog I'll have my memories.

So any thing happen when I was away?

I'm Off The Line

Well ya should have appreciated me when I was here. I have to move from me villa in order to fight my extradition back to the UK as the $6000 a month rent is killing me and so my Interweb is off for a while.
I love America so much I never want to leave. The gun shots, police helicopters with their search lights every night, the gang bangers I have to chase off my lawn, the general *uneducativeness* of the locals in fact I only feel this superior when I'm in a room full for English people.

I step out of the hoose every morning and breathe in the filthy 100 degree air full of mosquitoes and say God has indeed blessed America for a finer utopia could only exist during an acid trip.



Only kidding, no offense to the idiot Americans but this place is a shit hole and I can't wait for deportation back to my war zone full of thick necked thugs and bad food . By the way its only a hate crime if emotion is involved, Old Knudsen is as cold as steel so go and fuck yerself you legal system, any excuse to be rid of me, you are the ones who are hating the playa, don't be haters.

I am very busy right now and so my blog will suffer and I'll no be posting as much. I have some scheduled stuff lined up just to keep me hand in.

I'd move in with my Gurlyboyfriend Woohoo but since she is a free lance dog groomer she keeps late night hours and works a lot from home. Guido her business partner suggested I stay away as people who need their dogs groomed at night also like their privacy.

Woohoo's semi-celebrity adopted parents (yes she adopted them) have invited us to stay with them in sunny West Dale, legendary home of the long horned short haired tight poopered American Angus. They disprove of dog grooming for some reason and are just happy that she has a nice church going man to steer her right ............... thats me by the way.

I am bidding my time and then I'll be moving back, not to my beloved Kilamory because they got a petition against me but to Northern fucking Ireland as the peace process is holding better than I thought it would and where is the fun in that?

Guido will not be pleased with losing Woohoo so don't tell him where I am. I have to get an Irish passport cos they will let any old cont in and my Brit passport has been flagged, oh so much silly doings, I must fly into Dublin and cross over the border fence into the free north at night.

The blogging pool is small and polluted there and so like Jesus and Sir Francis Drake when they returned when the world needed them so Old Knudsen shall return like a prodigal son and a fatted calf shall be killed in celebration .

I shall take my bow which no one else can string and I shall string it and slay the cuntry with irreverence and scorn. I will not be going native and shall still cover topics the whole world can follow using my international tongue to lash yous all good and proper.

We all know that only a few good blogs cum from the blessed north of Ireland which has something to do with Henry the 8th outlawing humour in 1534 and the Irish under the comical hand of the evil emperor in Rome have dominated the blogging field with their whimsical look at life without the need of a true religion, sobriety or education.

I was recently asked: "Old Knudsen if there are free Presbyterians then are there ones who are not free?"

Old Knudsen looked into his scriptures and saw that anyone who isn't a Presbyterian is a slave of Satan and should either be given the choice of death or conversion. We at the Presbyterian liberating All Yous Arseholes Society have tried to make conversion more appealing with youth and community 'rap' sessions and raffles but death seems a more popular choice still.

Old Knudsen shall not end, he just needs a wee hibernation. He'll still be in the states for a while so get busy and tap his ass weemen. Change is a part of nature and Old Knudsen is a force of nature is Northern Ireland ready for him? I doubt it. Can you no read the fear in the Irish blogger's posts? I suspect sales of alcohol will increase greatly and thats before I get there.

So I've got major life changes and people to kill before I leave, not too much time for blogging, not like I've said that before. There are still posts in this old dog yet.


I shall leave you for now with this poignant view of America as seen from Old Knudsen's camera.

Empty mail box silently screaming on a vacant lot where once stood who knows what? Dirt and weeds along this stretch of route 66 telling you to go elsewhere for your kicks and of course the broken abandoned recliner a symbol of the American dream reminding you to allow yerself to dream but don't let those dreams become yer master.


* A word I learned at the school of hard knock................ers in LA*

No Really I'm Going This Time

Old Knudsen in Jellystone park, yes he did climb El Colonel then he jumped using his flag as a parachute cos that is how he rolls.


Well I had me count doon clock and the blog didn't delete, what the fuck? Well its been three years doing this shite and now I need to go and grow as a person and watch cunting sunsets.

I'll leave my blog up for any TV execs that decide they want me to write more but for money and fame. We all need money during this time of recession so I'll only be funny for free if I want ta ride ya, as I said to David Carradine 'We must all tighten our belts'.

"Old Knudsen how do you get yer ideas?"

"Funny you should say that Mr letterman like you I have a team of writers but unlike you I have threatened to kill their families if it isn't funny."

Top ten reasons why Conan O'Brien is better than letterman:

1) He isn't Dave Letterman

2) He is funny with or without writers

3) I've said it all no need for any more.


The Time Lord Old Knudsen still lives in what we call bendy time as opposed to linear time so if in a hundred years or so he may comment on a blog or something, who gives a fuck its only blogging ?

Old Bitter Balls will remain up as will my other blogs hidden within my links maybe some day I might desire fame again and do that networking shite but I doubt it Old Knudsen is a blogger not really a blog reader. He hates to see so many brutalise the craft of blogging.


Obama heard that Old Knudsen may be leaving the blogs and so sat doon with meself (mine is the large beer) the Kevlar Rooster and Spike Lee. Obama wanted a token black there and Lee may want to do a film starring Denzil as to my actions in the middle east during the 8 day war in 1967 between the Israel army and the armies of Egypt, Jordan, and Syria. Yes I did mean to say 8 days as 6 days of fighting is for the weak and Old Knudsen needed more scalps.

You too can donate yer hair for cancer charities that make creepy looking wigs for cancer victims, Old Knudsen doesn't like to talk about his humanitarianism.

Its been real people but my life calls for drastic change and my lady gurly boy friend Woohoo takes it all out of me, hey there is nothing ghey about swallowing the load from a hot woman with a dick.

Read the papers to see what Old Knudsen is up to. What section you ask? why the obituaries of course.






Yeah yeah it won't be in the funnies I'll spoil that joke fer ya.

This Must Be The End Of Times

Old Knudsen just spent a lovely few days with his best mate The Grinch hunting hobos in the San Fernando Ana Gabriel valley, its more of a basin than a valley but still nice hunting territory.

Colin otherwise known as The Grinch almost bagged a Velcroraptor but because of his heart condition he couldn't keep up, sticky things to kill. Speaking of which this post is about Stickys or Fenians as some know them by.

Only the Americans like the Irish even though George Washington after having them beat the English in some major skirmishes turned on them for taxes thus proving yet again what a two faced traitor he was. He was employed by the crown and not only did he cheat on it but he did have 9 gurlfriends, must have been the teeth that attracted them.

Oh it was the English who invented the Irish St Paddies cross.


Canadians don't like the Irish, listen up MJ, CANADIANS DON'T LIKE THE IRISH especially the Jewish Canadians, bacon and Irish. Isn't it funny that the Irish are almost human and pigs are close to being Irish which is why they use their hearts and feet in transplants?


Old Knudsen proudly served in the Black and Tans and has had enough of this Irish loving cuntry.

He has also had enough of Eva fucking Lungeria who has to appear on everything including this blog.

Cindy Crawford here wans the truth and I'd wish she'd stop camping outside my hoose and shouting, "Sell us yer wiggle" every time I water me plants. I actually do have a wiggle but how would she know that? maybe she hears me yelling "wake up Jeff" all the time.


There may be other reasons to leave but I can't think of them now.


Ok my ladyboy friend has decided she has had enough persecution for being a chick with a dick. Its how God made her damn it!

Old Knudsen is Penis whipped by Woohoo but a vadge will do. She spent thousands of me money in Vegas and so she can't afford the op poor thing.

So here is where Old Knudsen gives you the chance to laugh at him. Because of Old Knudsen's Ma being from Ulster Old Knudsen can get an Irish passport which he needs for various tax and Woohoo's immigration needs. In no time Woohoo will be able to get her lad removed by the NHS in the UK once I smuggle her in as Irish.

Yes its love that Old Knudsen has to give in and become that which he despises the most ........ a bog trotter.


I'll ride them but to become one is a different matter.


How can I be Old Bitter Balls when I look like this? I can always hate the Slavs that is quite popular right now.


Old Knudsen is proud of his blood and his British passport even though the Brits are desperately trying to get rid of Ulster and have been for years but even the Irish don't want them.


Old Knudsen fought for the Ulster kingdom of Dal Raida which stretched across to Scotland. The Romans were too ascared to fight us, when Old Knudsen ran at soldiers with his big sword they fled like chickens being chased by a chicken choker. Old Knudsen has the blood of the old Gods who now live under the mounds, the vikings who now live in the great halls of Ikea and the Gaels who live everywhere cos they breed like flies in his blood, no not flies in his blood though I did have a bot fly lay maggots in me scalp. Old Knudsen became like and ancient God giving birth from his head.

Old Knudsen is very occupied at the moment and next year he expects to be moving back to killamory as an Irish Ulster Scotsman, yes I understand that Ulster is a gheylick name, just fuck off its a difficult time for me I must go and kill some more brain cells in order to pass the Irish immigration test.

'Here are two spades, now take yer pick'


Look here is a hot woman, now you can't remember a thing the post was about, yes I do know my readers.

Anyway the post was about the right to die and I believe that you should have it. In Switzerland they charge you 4 grand to kill you legally what a fucking scam that is, Old Knudsen does it at a reasonable rate illegally.

Fear And Loathing In My Gunties

Those who know Old Knudsen privately knows that he has cum into a bit of a windfall ......... or is it a doon fall I'm no sure.

Not only have I received a princely inheritance (to which several people had to be killed for) The car I designed has taken off big time in India.
I call it the Knudsen C-4 the reason being that if it goes any faster than 25 MPH it blows up, ha ha ha only kidding, well not really.

Its an inexpensive vehicle with all the parts finely crafted in Asian sweatshops and it is light enough to push when it breaks.


I am taking me money and heading for Vegas thats 'Lost Vegas' to you folks who are unworldly.

I like the wee hours of Vegas. Hardly anyone around with the tired older waitresses that are past their prime for day time work.

Go to one of the less famous casinos and you'd see grannies in fishnets serving drinks. The bar staff are also surly at that time. Old Knudsen learned early not to leave tips as they don't thank you instead they look at it as an inconvenience and eventually get around to clearing it off the bar.

I'll be taking my new ladyboy friend Woohoo and her friend whose name is unimportant, you see thats how Old Knudsen rolls.

Classy gurls who insist on first class all the way and the threesomes are great when they actually let me join in.

Still Sexy Sunday

It turned out that Woohoo from last night did have a lot in common with me, she is also a gemini and has appeared on numerous blogs.

Sexy Saturday

I had nothing better to do so I knocked back a few dozen beers and headed towards L.A. on foot. Its only an hour by car so I reckoned I could do it in one hour and 18 minutes if the wind was at me back.

Several hours later I began to sober up and settled for the first bar I found. It was called The cock ring which if I'm not mistaken is the bar The Troll keeps going on about.

I met this beautiful young Asian gurl named Woohoo who paid me more attention than the shop keeper at a Mini-Mart. She said we had a lot in common but I just took that to be her chat up line and kept paying for more leg openers.

Tune in tomorrow...........................................................................