So little Timmy you want to start up a Blog?

A Guide To Starting Up A Blog.

Meet little Timmy, he wants a Blog like all the other adults, he was too much of a pedo for MySpace if thats possible so now he wants to share himself with you. Well some of you, the more lonely and vulnerable of you.

The first thing you need to do is find the right blog for you. Reach doon and feel yer balls, no here let me, you see you dress to the right so therefore yer side bar should be on the right. Ladies look to see which one of yer tits is bigger than the other if the right one is bigger then yer sidebar should be on the right. If you have any trouble deciding please send me pictures so that I may help, Ellie yer Blog is so fine, thanks for the pictures. The chesticle alignment method cums from ancient China and is similar to Feng Shui, it promotes the flow of wisdom and thoughts around yer Blog. How many times have I heard, "I can't think of anything to write" well grab yer nuts and think about it.

Colour is very important, white is not a colour so therefore shows a lack of imagination.

Gray just screams drab and I'd hate to see yer hoose.

Black means yer a cunt and want to strain yer older reader's eyes.

Bright blues and pinks means yer a perky shite and have no business Blogging.

The late Blogger McGee (he was never punctual) was probably the best Blogger in the world with his satirical take on life in the now deleted Blog "Pish Flaps." He taught me everything I know, well dirty Sandra taught me a few things too but we won't go into that now.

Blogger McGee (God rest his Blog) became disillusioned with the "yay I'm first" comments, the mindless YouTubes and the repetitive memes. In his award winning post "What the fuck do you people want from me?" he said the best Blogs are always a mustardy colour , like baby shit.

Now little Timmy will you be using yer real name? a fake real name? or will you blog as a Lemur or something?

Those that use their real or fake real names feel restricted and often wish they had used something more interesting when they can see the kind of shit I can get away with. Also its easier to find them if they piss you off.

If you choose an animal or old semen persona chose well, if you are a sly Komodo Dragon type person who will bite its victim and let them escape to bleed to death rather than face them head on then don't go picking a noble Lion or something, as Hemingway may have said, "write what you know."

The best way to get noticed is say in yer profile yer a young hot gurl and have an avatar to match, why do those profiles get more hits than mine?

The first few posts may not get any attention so do what Bloggers who are afraid of rejection do and make up some commenters, what you don't think they sit around and have conversations with themselves? I myself have no commenters, they are all made up by me, fuck I'm clever.

Another old trick is to leave yer post up for a while to get more comments, I myself don't give a shit as I post every other hour, for a true Blogger its all about the post.

If in doubt just post a picture like this. I could have the best post ever and follow it with this picture and I'd get zero comments on the post and 25 on this picture.

In Blogger McGee's post "The politics of Blogging and why I don't care." He mentions that you should at least comment on 25 Blogs a day to get attention, this may smack of desperation but if you weren't a damaged, needy person with low esteem you wouldn't be a Blogger then .

Blogger McGee faced the great Flame war of 98 so you could Blog freely, he faced insulting comments about his third nipple that weeps puss and spamming comments calling him rude and hurtful names such as beardy .

The way he sorted them out was he grabbed the spammers by the snouts, shook them while firmly shouting ,"no!" that worked for a while then he had to get the rolled up newspaper and put his comments on moderation, oh and he tracked them doon and had the spammer's families killed and cut the spammers hands off to turn into ashtrays, he never had any spam problems after that.

Blogger McGee, don't make him angry, you wouldn't like him when hes angry.

Fan e-mails are something Old Knudsen has had more off than spam, men and weemen throwing their virtual panties at him, not to mention being feautured on various blogs, but don't worry little Timmy I doubt you'll have that kind of thing going on .

Remember there is a Blog etiquette to follow. Don't swear in comments unless the Blog writer swears, its for comments not yer life story, don't complain about boring posts, you aren't fucking paying so fuck off and always reply to a new commenter and try to respond to all yer comments, even the ::::smile::::: and "me too" ones and never comment "me too" thats just plain cunty. The delete button isn't for decoration, never mind free speech crap would you give neo Nazis free speech? you think about that.

Its yer Blog to do with what you want, post dead puppies I don't care if you post live kittens, puppies and babies you must die you boring git , if you post spice racks and Tiffany lamps then yer just ghey admit it.

Now lets see how Little Timmy's Blog turned out TIMMY'S BLOG