A Life At The Movies

"Luke don't use the middle one, stay away from Vader's dark side. "

I havn't gone to the cinema much in my life compared to most people, the annoying piano music that accompanied the films really did my head in also sitting in a crowd of selfish people who objected to me talking, cheering, smoking, coughing and masturbating throughout the movie, what a bunch of nazis. Anyway working class people have to work to hold on to their class status by working so I had no time for the talkies.
Here is what I would rate as my top 5 movie mistakes to go and see.

Return of the Jedi and Superman 3 (1983) Ok there are 2 films here but I saw them back to back and they could of very well merged into one. I hadn't seen the other movies that led up to these movies but its not like you needed to the blanks filled in as these were mong proof.

Star Wars is just so silly, guys dressed like Sandsavages or dirt bike riders in space, Luke and the Princess were mingers but I totally wanted to see some incest, and what a family resemblance a Jewish princess and a Californian surfer type and whats with the ghey English robot ? is that how the world sees the English? fair enough I suppose, everyone in space is either a Yank , Brit or a bit of rubber.

Kirk would have nailed Leia and then dumped her just to show he could, anyway Hans Solo is the perfect name for a lonely wanker.

Superman got horny in the # 3 film and also turned bad , then he had to fight with his bad side, yeah yeah I get it a Protestant wrote the film, then Superman being a cheap fucker crushed a bit of coal to make a diamond for an engagement ring to get into some hoors panties. When he fucks does he super fuck? is there a bloody stump left afterwards? no wonder he doesn't spend any money on a ring. What about Mr Kent's citizenship? the man is a fucking alien who sneaked into the cuntry from space, Reagan was right about building a Space wall. Truth, justice and don't ask me for my Greencard way. Could Lois Lane get anymore minging? did they not have teeth whitener back in the 80's?

Days of Thunder (1990) This was before Tom Cruise turned evil, at the end of this film I felt as if I had been standing in traffic for nearly 2 hours , you couldn't tell what anything was it was a blur of cars and what about the 6 foot tall hot female doctor falling for a 4 foot tall car driver oh c'mon Tom's character was a stupid twat.

StarGate (1994) I came out of the cinema with sand in my crack. Kurt Russell played an uptight action man with a chip on his shoulder, not much acting going on but far better than MacGyver in the series when he took on the role. The best thing in the film was when Russell was fighting one of the bodybuilder guard drag queens and said as he killed him," Give my regards to King Tut asshole" and that was the best bit.What ever happened to the gurl from the Crying Game who was also in that? she was hot.

The Jackal (1997) Bruce Willis dons bad disguises as an international hit man and Richard Gere dons a bad Irish accent when Hollywood portrays an IRA man as a hero. I should write blurbs for films. A lot of bad panning in on faces camera shots as bad guy and good guy recognise each other across a crowded street. Willis did kill Jack Black which is good in my book but he also snogged another man in a bar. I have nothing against gheys as long as I don't have to watch them at it even though he did kill the fella before the intercourse, this was the hero of the Nakatomi Corporation building incident . Next you'll tell me my other heroes like Rock Hudson , Cary Grant and Liberace were fudge packers too.

The world is not enough (1999) I went to see this as my friend was into Bond :::yawn:::: Pierce Brosnan was a good Bond though when they get old they over dye their hair and you end up looking stupid like Ronald Reagan. Denise Richards was hot then before Sheen got his syphilitic dripping dick near her. She played a nuclear physicist in short shorts, looking very Tomb raiderish but way too dumb to pull of a role as a person with smarts. Sophie Marceau the French bird from Braveheart was the villain, she tried to tempt Bond into shagging her and becoming a bad guy, Bond in a ghey moment turned her doon and said the movie title" the world is not enough" if only the film was called "suck my cock" then it would be better. Robert Carlyle was the invincible henchman that does the serious hand to hand fighting for the villain the designated fighter if you will, if you don't expect too much from a film except explosions and improbable plots then you must be a Bond fan.