When The Leader Of The Free World Met Donald Trump

Trump using humor and playing the fool, he excels at the latter. 

Trump has been a harsh critic of Angela Merkel. He has gone as far as saying that she is ruining Germany. The average life expectancy rate is 2 years more in Germany than in the US ... ah socialist medicine. Don't worry, he's promised great healthcare to all Americans so we'll expect the average American to reach 80 years of age in no time.

He has denounced her accepting huge amounts of refugees but the US has a large ocean separating them from the places they bomb and doesn't have any other plan on how to help them so he can fuck away off. If you just leave them to suffer and die they'll give you more trouble. People don't like being treated like shit for some reason. 

Trump has also denounced nations that don't pay the requirements for being in NATO and Germany is one of them. 

They first shook hands and while Trump loves the close to body handshake he lost out on dominance with her hand being on top and a confident and steady gaze. His mental process no doubt started to unravel here as he is used to fawning women and being able to tell them what to do. 

Unlike Theresa May there was going to be no hand holding here. 

 WTF Donald? 

Trump gave away his dominance of the two even more by trying to use humor. He said, "As far as wiretapping, I guess, by this past administration, at least we have something in common perhaps."

Merkel was tapped by Obama (not in that way) in 2010. It was an international incident because while all nations spy on each other getting caught in such a big way was stupid. This was a massive insult to Germany and to Merkel herself .... and still not really a laughing matter. 

Next up, 'how many Jews can you fit into a microwave oven? .... none because the CIA are in there.'  

Merkel's body language is professional. She hates his guts but she is civil. She relaxes and leans her body towards him and has her outer leg towards him. Trump is on the edge of his seat ready to be combative. Merkel and the media have him climbing the walls, there is no comfort zone for him here. 

The press shouted for a handshake and he sat there stony faced not answering. Merkel was heard saying, 'I think they want us to shake hands' but he ignored her. Those fake news people weren't going to tell him what to do.

     

He's shaken hands before and has been harshly mocked over it. The Japanese really don't like to be touched and Trump not only shakes their hands but places his other hand on top to show who is in charge. Mr Abe, you're having the meatloaf .... bitch! 

His handshake with the second coming Trudeau spawned a million memes. Trump cannot control handshakes and fails at intimacy,  he is aggressive when it comes to touching others, even his own family. He only gives hugs for the camera but I bet he punches his wife on the shoulder in private. "Fantastic honey I'll be in DC, love ya too buh bye" ::: thump:::  

Merkel speaks good English but doesn't speak stupid very well. A German reporter questioned Trump on why he hates diversity and called his policies isolationism. Trump kept saying how he is a trader, a fair trader a good trader .... yes, it did sound like traitor. 

He then questioned where the reporter got such ideas and maybe she was reading fake news. Merkel cast some shade at Trump for that one. If looks could kill. 

Yeah cutting foreign aid (except to Israel) trying to ban Muslims and wanting to build a wall. How the fuck do you get isolationism from that? 

They shook hands at the end with Merkel and her steel like gaze fixing him like a deer in the headlights, her hand turned to be on top too.

It's the little things that we might not even notice but registers on some level. In the TV show Billions a female astronaut shook hands with a therapist who was to evaluate her. The therapist noticed the strong confident handshake as asked if it was on purpose, the astronaut said, "you tell me." 

Later she admits her father taught her to give a firm handshake as she would be working with a lot of males and had to display strength.      

Merkel also met with business leaders including the First Lady Trump's daughter Ivanka who no doubt was only there to line her pockets with deals like the ones she has made with China and Japan. 

Germany beat austerity with a surplus of products and they still need the US to buy their stuff. I have every faith in Angela Merkel that she'll get a fair deal from these traitors traders or she'll tell them to fuck off and make it work some other way. 

Trump no doubt loaves meeting with confident world leaders that he can't buddy around with. Even the Irish PM spoke up about the importance of immigrants to the US. Trump is losing and the more he loses the more he says he's winning and the more he needs ego feeding rallies and golf weekends. 

He isn't a diplomat and his people aren't either, and it's showing. He can only bullshit his voters and once the cuts kick in they'll be catching on too. 

The score: Merkel - 4  Trump - 0 

 

 

    

We'll Always Have Paris

The high pitched nee neh nee neh of the French police siren was designed to annoy rather than to alert other drivers, most of French culture is designed to annoy.
The siren with that specific tone and the adrenaline you already feel makes you make mistakes, like the panic you feel when yer 'It's raining men' ring tone goes off really loudly in the cinema and you scramble for yer phone in the dark while everyone tuts.   

Old Knudsen shifted gears and without thinking, his muscle memory doing that much practiced dance, two police cars on his tail as he weaved through the busy streets of Paris.

Police attention is an inconvenience when yer on a top secret mission, a blown spy is a useless one, getting paraded in the media with yer fake wig shoved on yer head as the guards laugh at you is one way to end up working in the I.T. department or posted to some far fling butt fuck embassy.

The police were gaining, for the first time in years Old Knudsen felt as if he had the chance of failing. Swerving at top speed he narrowly missed a truck, thank fuck it had good brakes. Think, think, what to do.

Old Knudsen's mind wandered to the previous night snorting coke of a midget hooker's arse, no think of something else, what would yer training officer say? It had been too many years to count and Old Knudsen being ex-military had already been trained to not think for himself so training had been difficult, any acronyms ELITE  Evade ... keeping running, what I'm doing now, Lie .... just bullshit yer way out, I've never been good at that, Intimidate .... scare them into not wanting to come after me, Takedown ..... put them down with a bloody nose and run, Emasculate ..... some guys aren't so tough when they have to grapple with another naked bloke who has a bigger cock than they do. 

Ach that's no good I'm think I'm past those and besides the French love to wrestle naked men it's what they do.
"If in danger or in doubt, turn around and shoot it out" aye I'm no gonna lose them so that is my only option.
Old Knudsen skided to a stop and got off his 10 speed bicycle, he pulled out his twin .357 Desert Eagles from his two shoulder holsters under his tweed jacket and started to fire at the oncoming police cars.
The heavy caliber bullets tore into the police cars putting the drivers into a panic, aye this old spy still had teeth. The first car crashed to a stop into the side of a bus full of children and the second went into its back. His 18 rounds fired he holstered his guns and opened his eyes for the first time since firing.

Oh they were ambulances, what the fuck does MEDICIN  and SAMU mean anyways? They should know better than to ride up the ass of a cyclist who is on heavy medication and possibly drunk.

My mission was still a go.

A list of top operatives had been stolen, if that file got into the wrong hands then hundreds of people who have been undercover for years living seemingly normal lives or in positions of power would be in danger.

Merkel and Putin have been known to personally take care of spies and traitors making it long and as painful as possible for them to die to set an example to others.

I jumped back onto my bike, shifted gears and took off at speed .... well it seemed fast to me.

I made my way to the Rue Saint-Lazare the sweat was pouring off me like gravy, there I'd meet a contact at the Delaroche Hotel.

I walked through the heavy glass doors and as I took off my bicycle clips I surveyed the room to check for enemy agents and hot weemen, it was Paris, all the women were hot, if not a little hairy.

The elegant bar in the lobby full of fancy mirrors and coloured glass lamp shades had about 8 people in it, she sat by the wall in semi shadow, easy for an amateur to miss, she wouldn't miss a thing as she had full view of who came in or out.

I sucked in my stomach and walked over to her. A perfect chameleon she blended in effortlessly as she sipped on a wine. Nice to see you again Anna, it's been ..... "It's been too long, why have you not come to Moscow and fulfilled my need for a father figure?"

Ever since Anna Chapman got caught spying and sent back to Russia our intense physical relationship has been strained, she is way too needy anyways, Old Knudsen is like the wind and not meant for just one sail. She wanted a drawer to keep her spare throwing knives in and to share me dead letter box. 

"I just missed you in Istanbul" ... aye lass, don't worry, it was a tricky shot and the glare of the sun probably blinded you a little.

 
Poor Anna, she has been coming up with ingenious plans to ambush Old Knudsen but she always forgets the number one rule, always use lube .... no the number two rule, don't get emotionally attached or leave DNA at the scene.

Now Anna, you know how important this file is, many people who consider themselves my friend will probably die horribly if it falls into the wrong hands, the stability of Europe will be totally destroyed as the US and the UK will have to admit to wide scale, long term spying on everyone. "Yes my ninja of love I know what is at stake, we're prepared to give you £5000 for it".... oh, is that a lot of money? "Well you could certainly get a room here and order champagne while I slip into something revealing yet not very practical and then you could slip into me."

What the hey that was more than Germans had offered, the Chinese would pay more but I had one in the chamber and I was ready to burst so I accepted her offer. 

I know all there is to know about the spying game. The file got to Moscow and it turned out that it was a decoy to flush out moles, you cannae trust anyone these days, luckily I had a patsy take the fall.

Now Putin is after me for £5000 and for getting his spy up the duff, you only think you have troubles.  

   

On Her Majesty's Secrete Service

I like babies shaken not stirred ... the British nanny way.

Since it's been a few years, some of my former activities have become unclassified. I am now able to tell you about the time when Old Knudsen was a super secret spy werking for MI-9 which is the agency MI-6 werks for as you all know. We were so feared and hated that our enemies did a pun of our names and called us 'mimes'  which is very unfair as being trapped in an invisible box is no laughing matter.

I had to infiltrate the ranks of the Swiss evil master mind Baron Blokenfinger, he built a quantum singular reactor that if activated could render sterile every living creature on the planet that didn't have his patented lead underwear.  

The Queen had just married, we wanted heirs to the throne and an unending supply of bacon. (this was before the time in which we injected the Queen with the immortality serum that our resident Nazis scientists made for us) No heirs, no bacon .... no hope for the great British empire, aye fuck the rest of the world, they didn't pay my wages.

I had to get to the reactor and destroy it, grab a pair of lead undies, shag some lasses and maybe kill Blokenfinger if I felt like it.

I posed as Professor Knudsen at a science convention in Geneva and knew that Blokenfinger would be watching.
I stood there in me dicky bow, tweed jacket (with elbow patches) and fake spectacles, I looked more science than Bill Nye yon science guy.

How to get a head in villainy. 

Blokenfinger walked over to me and introduced himself. I'd seen his type before, smelling of strong cigarettes, addiction to pain killers and covered in cat hair. He'd been through the Stavro school of evil villainy I'd wager.

How to be an evil villain, step 1) the evil laugh 2) it's all about the pussy 3) tell nemesis yer plan before you kill them but never stick around to watch as that is just rude.

So Professor Knudsen I'd love to invite you to my secret lair high up in the Alps to discuss your paper of metalecular fusion within the dianetic pulse wave projector field.      

A thing that Old Knudsen never does is study his mission briefs, all that werdy reading lessens the spontaneity of the performance. I do it on the night.

Yer what is itchy? oh yon metalecular diabetic corn field I got ya, aye I'd love to have dinner with a pretty young thing like you .... remember when I said about not reading mission briefs? well I got confused and thought I had to shag him before killing some lasses, an easy mistake to make ... if yer me.      

Blokenfinger blushed and made arrangements for a helicopter to pick me up.

After glancing at me orders again I was taken high up into the mountains to his massive secret lair. I fondled his pussy lovingly as I suspected he was a love me love my cat kind of person and we talked about our hopes and dreams before the red wine and my charm took us to bed in a fucktastic sexathon that was not at all ghey cos I was only doing my job.

Fuck me orders, who can resist a Swiss accent? I sneaked from beneath the black silken sheets and searched the lair for a big evil looking machine.

It was quite small to be honest, not very impressive at all, it would take more than that to kill Old Knudsen's seed. My jizz is like a virus and has been known to make weemen pregnant via handshake.

I destroyed the dread machine and grabbed a couple of pairs of lead belly warmers for her majesty should this machine be created ever again.

 To think that I let you stroke my pussy.

I was discovered! Two henchmen brought me to Blokenfinger, "who do you work for Mr Knudsen if that is even yer real name?" ....  I'll no tell you fuck all except you were shite in bed .... "I don't really care, my mother loves me and so does my cat and that is all the validation I need, now you will die."

Yes it is Knudsen, MI-9, I also sometimes werk for the company and consult for various other world governments on matters of security, if you give me a pen and paper I can write you a list, please don't kill me I'm too young and pretty to die.

As any operative knows you cannot last indefinitely when being tortured, he knew my weakness, but how could he know I was afraid of being harmed or killed? .... unless MI-9 had a mole, or a hamster, it didn't matter what kind of small rodent they had it had to be stopped but that was for another day. The wheel turns my little furry traitor.

I crumpled doon in a sobbing heap, pissing and shitting myself, just enough to distract the henchmen (quite a lot) that I took out my trick explosive dentures and threw them at Blokenfinger. As the teeth and saliva flew towards him I could see him grimace and flinch away in disgust and I threw myself out of a window.

The explosion singed my ear hairs as I ducked and rolled doon the snow covered mountain using my skill to cover myself in a giant snowball otherwise the 8,000 foot drop would have hurt or even killed me.

At the foot of the mountain the 10 meter wide snowball broke open and released me from it's grip of safety. I climbed out of the snow stained with the red wine and the food from the previous night, dehydrated and dizzy but just glad to be alive.

I destroyed the device, didn't get the underwear but I shagged and killed someone and the henchmen so it was a successful enough mission, yay me! at least I didn't blow me head off trying to eat that steak during dinner.    

  


 

Everbody Spies

Old Knudsen cannae tell you about everything hes done in his past, the only person hes ever told EVERYTHING to was a young psychiatrist who ended up going insane and to this day remains a slobbering wretch of a man .... it didn't affect his career any and I hear he practices medicine in London.

Keep practicing lad, someday you'll get it right.

Old Knudsen AKA The Storm Bringer AKA The Grim Raper AKA Death From Kilamory serial number 57- 84C security rating at time of retirement TGA - 17 with a level 4 rating in Extra Terrestrial negotiation and human enslavement processor grade 3 used to be a super secret spy working for the good guys, MI5, MI6, MFI, ASIS, R&AW, MOSSAD, KFC, CSIS, NSA, CIA to name but a few and loads of private contract work, gotta pay me rent, and me dealer etc. 

If I told anybody that, their lives would be over. Just a matter of when and how violent. I let it slip in a conversation with a prostitution I was trying to hire for a job but was short on the amount of funds she requested which I thought at the time to be quite high and I know about being high.  She was found a week later chopped up in a suitcase .... strange huh, but because of my past I can't go to police stations and tell them this, besides I was having some serious varnish related blackouts around that time I wasn't in a good place in me life and peelers are idiots, they would probably blame Old Knudsen or something just as dumb.
The reason why I was in such a bad way was because my wife left me for another man .... and took the dog, fuck I loved that doggie not just as a pet but in ways mere mortals cannae comprehend.

So here I am blabbering on and

You only read my blog for the chance of seeing naked weemen online cos yer too lazy to go searching for porn and yer wife checks yer Interweb history .... domestic spying.

The whole spying thing going on at the moment with Eddy Snowden is giving Old Knudsen flashbacks to the cold war .... fuck it was cold.

 

Nipples popping up like corks. 

The US spying on it's allies ..... terrible so it is.

Even Brazil came out and harshly condemned the US for spying ..... then it turned out that they themselves had been spying on those same allies.

    Carlos from Rio wants to know what you are wearing.

So Brazil came out with a very good reason as why it would be spying on the likes of Germany. 'To see if they were spying on Brazil'  as Dr House says, "Everbody spies" well he might have said it, I stopped watching him after a while, like Monk like Desperate hoosewives like psyched like Dexter ..... they start getting old after the joke/novelty has been played out.  America has so many TV shows they throw out without a clue on how to get to season 2 and so get cancelled, some shows like Lost get lucky and stick it out till the end.

Ryan Fogle of the US embassy in Russia with his Shaggy wig after the FSB somehow figured out he was a spy. Could it have been the shaggy wig?

Anyway everybody spies and anything goes that you can get away with, you do know that Germany is no doubt spying on everyone too right? if you don't believe that then you live in a cushy middle class sheltered life bubble of inexperience and denial, and you know it otherwise why do you get so worked up when someone accuses you of being middle class? 

Oh but Germany is the victim ..... Germany was asking for it, the way it dresses .  

Old Knudsen has long since retired, the game has gotten way too high tech for him, now they have robots following and assassinating robots, no one needs disinformation jockeys anymore, but what if we do spy-ception a lie built on a lie but based on the truth that actually didn't happen the way people think it did, and then just deny everything? 
You can fool some of the people some of the time but you can't fool all of the people all of the time but those who aren't fooled can have their credibility destroyed and maybe have a nasty accident or happen to be in the same place that some teen goes nuts with his assault rifle.

No one asks the right questions anymore but when they do stumble upon the right question to ask the Interweb is waiting to give them the "proper" answer.

The sky is more grey than blue these days, too many cloud-based applications no doubt.