The Vanishing Wasp

Bug scientists in Cheshire who were studying the declining wasp population have stumbled upon a startling revelation during the wasp cloning process.

"We noticed a serious decline in wasps and so cloned some the size of crows so they would be easy to follow so we'd see where they went to." said professor Green from his secret lab in Cheshire.  

They noticed something similar to other animals that they had worked on while employed by the cosmetic industry. Wasps share a gene found in spiders, goats, sharks and cats .... They have nicknamed it 'The cunt gene'.

The gene can also be found in some small dog breeds and moths that make you flap your hands and cause you to do the derp face .... stop flapping, they are totally out of reach and are laughing at you.

Animals that get on like cunts all share the gene, professor Green is hoping to get enough interest in his work to start human studies. This could explain why people who seem interested in helping you during a time of need just don't bother to turn up when they say they would.

Some animals are just cunts. If yer spouse sat around all day licking his bits then after you fed him he takes a shit in a box of grit in the kitchen and then stays out all night looking for pussy you'd probably have some stern words to say to him.

Or if yer girlfriend went around biting strangers saying she mistook them for seals and was just curious, that may cause a few difficulties.  

Studies have shown that 8/10 cat owners suffer from low self esteem and think they deserve how their cat treats them .... and they probably do deserve it, cat loving tossers.

Professor Green added, "If we could turn off the cunt gene in people then maybe women would see past my balding head, diminutive stature and large belly and see me as a person .... fucking bitches!" 

The professor asks the public in and around the Cheshire area to let authorities know if they see any large wasps flying around as he has misplaced a few.

"They fly surprisingly fast." Said the bewildered scientist.

  

The History Of The Future

 

Old Knudsen has just started talking to his new therapist, a lovely perky young lass not too easily shocked. So I find meself in the mood to talk about Old Knudsen and I'm remembering all sorts of things that may or may not have happened, does everyone have so much trouble with reality or is it just me ? Why am I asking figments of me imagination questions? It's true, you don't exist so fuck away off.

A few years to come Old Knudsen werked for a company called Starship Enterprises, he had a 5 year contract to explore strange new worlds and new civilisations, to brazenly go and exploit their natural resources .... the human way.

We had just cum off Anus 2 after extracting fecalium nuggets to use to power our space cars and were on route to the planet Excrement Prime.
As I sat in my space chair in the maintenance section wondering who the fuck names all these planets and what do all these flashing lights do, the captain came over and put a friendly hand on my shoulder ...... I hate touchy feely people, he'd smile to yer face and stab you in the back, a total cunt.

Of course they wanted me to go doon with a landing party and see how docile the natives were.

Maybe Captain Berk was insecure and felt threatened by Old Knudsen, usually that the only time that Old Knudsen has any trouble with men as I don't give a fuck so why should you? ... yer mammy issues are showing.

The only problem he has with weemen is that if they are very uptight or can't cum to terms with being so attracted to Old Knudsen. Hearing yer wife calling Old Knudsen's name during sex might lead to some marital problems.

Aye you just keep sending me doon to probably hostile planets with a bright red shirt on that just screams to be shot at.
Red is the color of war and passion (same thing?) restaurants use it in their decor to send the subconscious message 'eat up fast and get out, we need the table space' if there is any less calming color then red would be it, hardly one to send in an away team for first contact.  

 

No wonder Old Knudsen drinks so much, Hell is other people. I left Starship Enterprises when my greatness was constantly over looked and not appreciated, life is too short to waste on fools. I wonder what else I'll rememberise from my therapy. 

From the Havamal (sayings of the high one)

Cattle die, kindred die,
Every man is mortal:
But the good name never dies
Of one who has done well .

Old Knudsen is a fine name, he was there before you and he'll be here long after you are gone. 

Paisley Goes Postal

In a parallel universe, disgruntled employee the Right Reverend and Right Dis-Honourable Ian Paisley returned to his place of employment at the Parliament buildings commonly known as Sternmouth and exacted his bloody revenge for how he perceived that he was treated and forced to retire by First Overlord Peter Robinson and his henchmen including Nigel 'smiler' Dodds.

Six people were killed and 12 injured before Lord Baneside took his own life after yelling, 'Hallelujah.'  

 First Overlord Peter Robinson

Paisley who is famous for his sectarian and anti-sodomy stance entered the Parliament buildings at around 10am on Tuesday morning knowing that everyone would be on their second tea break. A long black coat concealed a large number of handguns collected over a lifetime of collusion with the security farces. First Overlord Peter Robinson was gunned doon as he pleaded for his life as Paisley's maniacal laughter filled the break room.

Deputy Junior Underlord Martin McGuinness described what he saw:

"It was horrible, we were on one side of the break room refusing to dunk our Jaffa cakes into our tea when we heard gunfire from a 9mm Beretta, don't ask me how I know that. The door to the break room was gently opened and in walked Ian laughing like a mad man. 

The bullets ripped through the tables that Dodds and Donaldson were hiding under and Peter begged to be spared but to no avail. 
Ian looked at me with those cold grey steel eyes and I thought I was next but he just tipped me the nod and winked as he left the room.  I could hear more shooting and screaming coming from the great hall and then silence."

Sinn Fein has since contacted victim's rights activist Willie Frazer to represent them in their claim for compensation for being emotionally scarred from witnessing the events. They have to prove who exactly was there as they allegedly say that all the members of Sinn Fein and some family friends were in the break room at the time.

While Northern Ireland mourns the loss of such valuable members of society, Edwin Poots the former Minister of Paramilitary training and recruitment was sworn in at First Overlord at a secure location in Ballymena.

Lady Baneside was quoted as saying, "They got what was coming to them. Ian had secured a legacy for his children of being in charge of the church and politics of Northern Ireland but they ..... took it away."  

Meanwhile in Argentina another figure who rose to power through the Cult of personality, Adolf Hitler has announced the publishing of his latest book to coincide with his 126th birthday this year.

Hitler the former leader of Germany and popular game show host is being kept alive by having his organs regularly replaced with those from young runaways.

His latest book suggests he was in support of the Jews and it was the aggressive bullying of the Allied powers that led to the death of millions.

Paisley has gone postal in the media and is trying to reinvent himself  as a kinder figure who never forced clergyman David Armstrong out of his parish for being friendly to his Catholic counterpart during a Christmas service.

Who never launched the campaign "Save Ulster from Sodomy" that fought the decriminalization of homosexuality 

Who never said that the Roman Catholic church has deviated from true Christianity ..... whatever he thinks that is.

Who never shouted at Pope John Paul II "I denounce you as the Antichrist." He was wrong it seems.

Who never blocked roads during civil rights marches, never set up several paramilitary groups, never made excuses for Loyalist terrorists and never encouraged people he knew not to attend the church he preached at after he left it.

He is attempting to destroy those from his party who didn't want an old man falling asleep during meetings to be their leader anymore. Gerry Adams was too powerful a name to have in the north and that is what happens when you play the Cult of personality game. You might as well go in with a few guns mate, it's more honest ya big mouthed shite.