The Vanishing Wasp

Bug scientists in Cheshire who were studying the declining wasp population have stumbled upon a startling revelation during the wasp cloning process.

"We noticed a serious decline in wasps and so cloned some the size of crows so they would be easy to follow so we'd see where they went to." said professor Green from his secret lab in Cheshire.  

They noticed something similar to other animals that they had worked on while employed by the cosmetic industry. Wasps share a gene found in spiders, goats, sharks and cats .... They have nicknamed it 'The cunt gene'.

The gene can also be found in some small dog breeds and moths that make you flap your hands and cause you to do the derp face .... stop flapping, they are totally out of reach and are laughing at you.

Animals that get on like cunts all share the gene, professor Green is hoping to get enough interest in his work to start human studies. This could explain why people who seem interested in helping you during a time of need just don't bother to turn up when they say they would.

Some animals are just cunts. If yer spouse sat around all day licking his bits then after you fed him he takes a shit in a box of grit in the kitchen and then stays out all night looking for pussy you'd probably have some stern words to say to him.

Or if yer girlfriend went around biting strangers saying she mistook them for seals and was just curious, that may cause a few difficulties.  

Studies have shown that 8/10 cat owners suffer from low self esteem and think they deserve how their cat treats them .... and they probably do deserve it, cat loving tossers.

Professor Green added, "If we could turn off the cunt gene in people then maybe women would see past my balding head, diminutive stature and large belly and see me as a person .... fucking bitches!" 

The professor asks the public in and around the Cheshire area to let authorities know if they see any large wasps flying around as he has misplaced a few.

"They fly surprisingly fast." Said the bewildered scientist.

  

Danger Selfies Cull The Herd

"Please, you got help me ..... shut up or the bitch gets it ..... listen to her she's serious :::blub blub::: just let me take a selfie before I die ..... better hurry up bitch cos I'm gonna do it."

The Bold and the beautiful called, you didn't get the part, even yer acting was too bad for them. Old Knudsen does studies in stupidity, he wants to understand people better so he can enjoy hunting them  talking to them more. Maybe I'm old but what the fuck is up with snuff selfies? ... then again what the fuck is up with disco dancing, you young uns never fail to disgust astound Old Knudsen. 

A 21 year-old Russian woman got hold of a security guard's pistol. The office werker probably couldn't figure out how to get past her computer's firewalls so she could watch porn or cat videos on social media like most office werkers do so she decided to take a selfie with the gun.

This is why open carry is a bad idea and why most civvies shouldn't be allowed near firearms, she "accidentally" pulled the trigger which made the gun unexpectedly fire. It was a rubber bullet which  ricocheted off the wall and hit her in the noggin. As far as I know she was in critical condition but expected to live.

You should always assume a gun it loaded and since modern pistols tend to have the safety built into the trigger you can fire the gun a lot easier now. Rubber bullets sound harmless, they are designed to be bounced off the ground and injure yer lower body, a head shot can be fatal.

I've been asked to do this post by the makers of the Darwin awards, they just can't keep up with demand.

 Plane just crashed, one person dead .... thankfully Instagram still works.

Mohammed Aslam Shahul aged 21, died in Bali after falling off a cliff while taking a selfie. He fell into the sea and it turned out that he couldn't swim. I guess 21 year-olds don't go on vacation to islands famous for its beaches to enjoy the water, unless the water is frozen and in their drinks. 

Anna Ursu, 18 was on top of a train in Romania to take a selfie when she touched the live wire. I hope someone took a pic of the burning mess or else what is the point to her sacrifice to the dark lord Selfie Dominous the shadow king?

Thanks to the selfie stick yer face no longer looks distorted unless the selfie is taken as you slip off the building.

Oscar Otero Aguilar, 21 from Mexico killed himself when posing for a selfie with his gun. 3 blokes from India, all  students aged between 20 and 22 died when they thought that taking a selfie on a train track with the train in the background was a good idea. They got out of the way of the train by jumping onto the track beside them not realising a train was coming in the opposite direction. I didn't see that coming, nor did they.

JESUS CHRIST! This is in bad taste. Jesus is my all time favourite historical character next to Sherlock Holmes, he deserves more respect than this. Whats next, stripping down to yer underwear and getting nailed to a cross for the ultimate selfie?

Oh never mind .... Jesus took duckface selfies for you!

Pete Wentz from a Fall Out Boy was not harmed in the making of this picture. 

If in doubt photoshap a shark. Then add the fake news title: 'Man Takes Selfie Moments Before Deadly Shark Attack' to mess with the critical thinking abilities of social media users who believe everything they see. 

The Pope also did not have a black Sabbath cassock either, some people want to believe but this faker doesn't fool me and no, he isn't cool and Black Sabbath were shite. Who am I to judge indeed ... doesn't stop you though.   

There are indeed some dumb enough to go into a shark cage for a selfie with a great white. Sharks are often maligned as vicious killers but in reality they only kill people dumb enough to swim in the sea or in rivers close to the sea. Often sharks mistake surfers and swimmers as seals .... Just like how Oscar Pistorius mistook his gurlfriend for a burglar before he shot her. 

It's a great excuse sharks but I'm starting to not believe it. 

Belfast boy takes selfie with queen .... she is not amused, he's still in the tower of London BTW.

Old Knudsen isn't impressed with snuff selfies or danger selfies, who cares if some back packers got naked for selfies on a sacred mountain? ... unless they have nice tits and then I care.

You hear people go on about how concerts are full of cell phones and people are no longer experiencing real life first hand, well that's bollocks! What is the point to going out, getting off yer head and missing getting a picture of Justin Bieber barfing on stage or Madonna falling off the stage? 

You just have yer fuzzy memory of the event right? Old Knudsen has missed years of his life due to the effects of alcohol on the brain but now he can record every drunken slur and sexual rejection thanks to modern technology.  Of course he has to get a smarts phone first even though he hates talking to peeple and doesn't like being tracked.

 

I do admire the fat girl angle selfies, very creative and why not? For some reason cameras aren't as good as mirrors and self delusion. 

 

 Here is yer prize for getting to the end of that post, yer prize is body issues, "look at that bitch, I bet she never eats and her lovely hair is probably photoshopped." or "look at that hottie, shit I hate my life in this basement and I'll never date a chick like her, should I do sit ups and improve my life or have more pizza? .... that wasn't really a question, pizza it is."

  

Selfies often bring beauty and semi erections to yer life unless it's Kim Kardashian then it's just 'oh her again' did you know that 97% of her indoor selfies that just show her face and shoulders were taken while she was having a crap?  Aye that serene yet smug look can be only achieved when pinching off a loaf ... true story bro. 

Take selfies responsibly and don't post more than 2 per month or people will think yer a self centered twat ... unless yer at new places or meeting celebs then it's ok cos social media is all about having the best looking life. 

If you do win a Darwin award then make sure yer pics get uploaded just before or after yer death. 

 

Phat And Proud

Look at me, I took a dump and lost 5 LBS

Old Knudsen always likes to address the problems his readers may have, chronic masturbation syndrome is next week, just after me herpes post.

Some of my beloved readers have body issue problems, well since Andy is the wanker and Jen has the herpes we all know who, out of my 3 readers ate all the pies. 

 

One of Old Knudsen's success stories, you'd be amazed what a difference proper "grooming" can do for a person. Just destroy their self respect enough for an eating disorder and blackmail them into taking photos. It's all in me book, 'Fucked up? You will be soon' at all good Barns and Knobals.

Illinois lass Brooke Birmingham had been detailing her weight loss effort on her blog,  “Brooke: Not On A Diet” Nothing says loser like having a blog and lose it she did, 172 LBS in only 4 years. I don't know how she did it or why it took so long, maybe she got a gastric lap dance who cares? That calorie watching shite is weemen stuff. "I can only eat one carrot and a protein shake a day for my diet, then I have me normal food ending in 8 beers of course."

If Old Knudsen needs to get into fighting shape he uses his home made gym or goes and lives in a cabin in Russia and chops logs and pull a sleigh full of bricks an shit. I used to go to me local Burger King and punch the frozen meat but the manager kept complaining that I was breaking their burgers. 

I used to watch what I ate but now I watch the telly as I eat. 

Not Brooke.

So Brooke (remember her?) was approached by Shape magazine to feature her in a success story article.  After seeing the Shape website she assumed they would want a picture of her scantily clad. Shape magazine is all about showing what kind of body you too could have if you had time, money, a personal trainer and good genetics. 

 An artists rendition of a before picture. 

  And now.

Wow, how realistic and true to life .... now go put some clothes on I'm trying to eat here. Ach how cruel, I'm only joking.

No not really, there you go who wants realism anyway? So Shape magazine asked for a picture with her shirt on and Brooke took the pointy as she wanted to inspire people with honesty or something, you'd think that Shape would send their own photographer for the after shot ya cheap bastards. 

She pulled out of the deal and is getting more coverage than she knows what to do with and now Shape looks bad cos they be putting the sisters doon.

Seriously peeps, that after photo would have me reaching for the ice cream and saying whats the point if I end up like that? It's a great achievement to lose that much lard and she looks great when dressed but people really need to be able to fool themselves if they want to motivate yon fat arses off the couch. 

 

I wanna look like this after I workout ..... no I don't mean all ghey an like I mean, aye ok then ghey it is. See how motivated I am now? I may even go to the gym with my fellow Spartans and share some body oil.  I hope they don't kick me in the hole.

I'm no belittling her efforts but did she really think a swanky mag full of fit chicks would want that picture? Maybe because Weight Watchers hired her she needed something to write about so um I'll play a little dumb and then act all offended that I'm being oppressed. 

Wot ... you didn't want a picture with me cock out? you did say you wanted a head shot. What's wrong with my cock (besides the warts and rashes) are you telling me it's wrong to be a well hung man? Real men have packages!

Too much honesty?  Kelly Osbourne was in Shape cos she accepted Jesus as her personal trainer. I have one question to ask as this has bugged me for years, what the fuck happened to her face? 

Aye she has a big ol noggin but has she been snorting the Botox? I swear it isn't photofixed, the shark is there to show you what a real smile should look like.  "No Kelly look happy and joyous, not manic on the verge of a killing spree" ...... "This is my happy face."  

Save The Whale But *Fuck* The Shark

There are 40 deadly sharks in this picture.

EU countries (European Union) are the main exporter of shark fins to China, where they are used to make shark-fin soup.

The fins are taken off live sharks and the action is known as "finning" unlike wearing black from head to toe as that doesn't make you look fin it makes you look like a fatso wearing black, sorry just some inappropriate Blogger humour in an otherwise serious environmentalism story.

Environment groups claimed current law on finning , cutting the fins off a living shark and dumping the low value carcass at sea was not strict enough.

Not as cute as seal cubs so fuck em.

Fucking right it isn't. Ever hear of the Indianapolis? When a Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side there were hundreds of us in tha water.

Sometimes that shark he looks right into ya. Right into your eyes. And, you know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be living... until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'. The ocean turns red, and despite all the poundin' and the hollerin', they all come in and they... rip you to pieces.

What would that be like if there were fin-less sharks swimming around unseen?

90% of the shark may be discarded and many shark species will be threatened with extinction which is a real shame ............... not! I don't swim in the water off Muck bay in Scotland and worry about Jelly fish, I laugh at their various wobbly flavours. I worry about sharks, ever seen Jaws? Fucking scary lad.

If we don't see the fin on the surface of the water will we still hear the ominous music? I call for you to support the killing of sharks not just the finning .

You know what disease will cum out of China next? Shark flu thats what, with billions of starving slitty eyes in the cuntry why are they so fucking picky about just eating the fin? They'll eat dogs and cats but oh no not the rest of the shark.

I may boycott Chinese made goods until they see sense, hold on where was this keyboard made? FUCK! thoses cunts make everything what ever happened to made in Hong Kong? oh thats right we gave it back to them. Ok then I will boycott China for me holidays, no fucking way will I go and see The great wall ................ by the way I've seen better walls so there.



*Fuck it but not proper fuck it*


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