Phat And Proud

Look at me, I took a dump and lost 5 LBS

Old Knudsen always likes to address the problems his readers may have, chronic masturbation syndrome is next week, just after me herpes post.

Some of my beloved readers have body issue problems, well since Andy is the wanker and Jen has the herpes we all know who, out of my 3 readers ate all the pies. 

 

One of Old Knudsen's success stories, you'd be amazed what a difference proper "grooming" can do for a person. Just destroy their self respect enough for an eating disorder and blackmail them into taking photos. It's all in me book, 'Fucked up? You will be soon' at all good Barns and Knobals.

Illinois lass Brooke Birmingham had been detailing her weight loss effort on her blog,  “Brooke: Not On A Diet” Nothing says loser like having a blog and lose it she did, 172 LBS in only 4 years. I don't know how she did it or why it took so long, maybe she got a gastric lap dance who cares? That calorie watching shite is weemen stuff. "I can only eat one carrot and a protein shake a day for my diet, then I have me normal food ending in 8 beers of course."

If Old Knudsen needs to get into fighting shape he uses his home made gym or goes and lives in a cabin in Russia and chops logs and pull a sleigh full of bricks an shit. I used to go to me local Burger King and punch the frozen meat but the manager kept complaining that I was breaking their burgers. 

I used to watch what I ate but now I watch the telly as I eat. 

Not Brooke.

So Brooke (remember her?) was approached by Shape magazine to feature her in a success story article.  After seeing the Shape website she assumed they would want a picture of her scantily clad. Shape magazine is all about showing what kind of body you too could have if you had time, money, a personal trainer and good genetics. 

 An artists rendition of a before picture. 

  And now.

Wow, how realistic and true to life .... now go put some clothes on I'm trying to eat here. Ach how cruel, I'm only joking.

No not really, there you go who wants realism anyway? So Shape magazine asked for a picture with her shirt on and Brooke took the pointy as she wanted to inspire people with honesty or something, you'd think that Shape would send their own photographer for the after shot ya cheap bastards. 

She pulled out of the deal and is getting more coverage than she knows what to do with and now Shape looks bad cos they be putting the sisters doon.

Seriously peeps, that after photo would have me reaching for the ice cream and saying whats the point if I end up like that? It's a great achievement to lose that much lard and she looks great when dressed but people really need to be able to fool themselves if they want to motivate yon fat arses off the couch. 

 

I wanna look like this after I workout ..... no I don't mean all ghey an like I mean, aye ok then ghey it is. See how motivated I am now? I may even go to the gym with my fellow Spartans and share some body oil.  I hope they don't kick me in the hole.

I'm no belittling her efforts but did she really think a swanky mag full of fit chicks would want that picture? Maybe because Weight Watchers hired her she needed something to write about so um I'll play a little dumb and then act all offended that I'm being oppressed. 

Wot ... you didn't want a picture with me cock out? you did say you wanted a head shot. What's wrong with my cock (besides the warts and rashes) are you telling me it's wrong to be a well hung man? Real men have packages!

Too much honesty?  Kelly Osbourne was in Shape cos she accepted Jesus as her personal trainer. I have one question to ask as this has bugged me for years, what the fuck happened to her face? 

Aye she has a big ol noggin but has she been snorting the Botox? I swear it isn't photofixed, the shark is there to show you what a real smile should look like.  "No Kelly look happy and joyous, not manic on the verge of a killing spree" ...... "This is my happy face."  

Never Gonna Give You Up

Since any argument they had wasn't based on logic and reason I suspect it was about filthy man/flag lust.

The Wanking Post

I worship the religion of Santeria which is an off shoot (pardon the pun) of Free Presbyterianism as any of you half educated half wits will know.

To give it its Scot's Gaelic name "Regla de Ocha" which loosely translated means 'The only true way and the rest of you are damned to burn in hell.'

Our way is a way of love (terms and conditions may apply) and we have our own version of the Bible as dictated to from God Himself to Angus McJobby in the year 666 BC .

We are a most enlightened Church and are against Gheys, Catholics, Jews, Slavs, Dirty Arabs and People of colour........... unless they are hot of course then they are ok we just don't notice.

Hot Asian gurly-boys are fine in my opinion and that of my minister and if you don't like them then you must be a gheyer or something.

I don't believe in evolution, just look at that word, isn't evol just a little bit too much like evil? and to evolve well nothing good can come of that. Why ask questions and think for yerself when you can just read the good book or ask yer pastor?

The world is 5000 years old and if you find anything older then that's the work of the Devil, simple enough to explain.

I believe in Intelligent design, if it was a bad idea would it be called intelligent? don't try logic on me, even though I only have one leg I can still run rings round you logically cos I got the smarts and God is on my side as the great Adolf Hitler once said and look at him, from a poor family to ruling Germany and most of Europe, the American dream but with lederhosen.

God made Adam and lilith but she was uppity and wouldn't make the tae when told to so, she then went off to fuck lots of Demons in a cave which is what the Slavs are descended from. Then God made a better more subservient woman named Eve who wasn't too bright and there was the whole original sin thing which I have never forgiven weemen for.

And so'eth did God remarketh, "Fucking weemen they just never listen."

"Luke, fling the poo."

Getting back to intelligent design, after mankind fought the apes for control of the world and wiped out the walking talking ones we were left with humans. Also left was the stupid monkeys and primates that fling poo and blog etc.

George W Bush the third or fourth most powerful man in the world could in no way share any kind of ancestry with apes. Balderdash I say.

Due to Intelligent design the primates still had opposable thumbs and what does any animal no matter how stupid do with the gift of opposable thumbs ? they masturbate.

Ever notice that given the power to tug the lad they will make full use of it and will be the only other creatures apart from superior humans that have sex for pleasure? monkeys and apes still don't have souls like all the other animals which is why they can't get into Heaven and why we eat them.

What disturbs me the most about this picture? the size of his knob or the furniture?

Disclaimer:
If anyone is outraged, insulted, disgusted or just remotely pissed off at this post then, Old Knudsen fuck yeah!

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Pam Sunday

No relation to any Bloggers of the same name I hope as wanking to that would freak me out.

Its Palm Sunday I suppose, something to do with the end of lent that the Catholics talk about doing but never do, like New years resolutions its the thought that counts. It celebrates the time when Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey from the south gate which fulfilled a prophecy saying that the Protestant messiah would do so, its all politics. Well I don't give a fuck you'll all be surprised to hear so I have designated this Pam Sunday, devoted to anyone named Pamela. To feel extra pammy today I will be having sex with Pamela and her five sisters while reading this Pam post. Here is the poem from that sex pot Pam Ayres, its the one that made her famous and the inspiration for the fine poetry that I myself write .

I Wish I'd Looked After Me Teeth
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth,
And spotted the perils beneath,
All the toffees I chewed,
And the sweet sticky food,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.
When I had more tooth there than fillin'
To pass up gobstoppers,
From respect to me choppers
And to buy something else with me shillin'.
When I think of the lollies I licked,
And the liquorice allsorts I picked,
Sherbet dabs, big and little,
All that hard peanut brittle,
My conscience gets horribly pricked.

My Mother, she told me no end,
"If you got a tooth, you got a friend"
I was young then, and careless,
My toothbrush was hairless,
never had much time to spend.

Oh I showed them the toothpaste all right,
I flashed it about late at night,
But up-and-down brushin'
And pokin' and fussin'Didn't seem worth the time...
I could bite!If I'd known I was paving the way,
To cavities, caps and decay,

The murder of fiIlin'sInjections and drillin's
I'd have thrown all me sherbet away.
So I lay in the old dentist's chair,
And I gaze up his nose in despair,
And his drill it do whine,In these molars of mine,
"Two amalgum," he'll say, "for in there."
How I laughed at my Mother's false teeth,
As they foamed in the waters beneath,
But now comes the reckonin'It's me they are beckonin'
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.

Pamela Anderson back in the day when she was actually attractive.



Pam Dawber from Mork and Mindy I heard she was 7 foot tall.

My favourite Pam, Pamela Stephenson. Born in New Zealand but quick to become Australian which shows good sense, she did a brief stint in Saturday Night Live, was in the film Superman 3 but became famous in Britain for being in 'Not The Nine O'clock News' which gave a lot of young stars their break, shes also married to that fine Scotsman Billy Connolly.

And I'm done, anyone got a Tissue? not to worry heres a dirty sock.

A Ham Shank.

I was thinking back to Old Knudsen's spank bank throughout the years and I remembered Nicolette Sheridan, then I remembered what Dive said about Stevie nicks getting old and bloated, then I remembered where my TV remote was, in the olden days the Tvs would not only be made with a wood effect but would have a dial to tune into the stations, now you can't even turn on some of the bloody tellys on without your remote and that's always the first thing to break, fucking Toshiba piece of shit, anyway back to spanking the plank.

The Martini adverts of old, had a young sexy gurl on roller skates holding a tray that had a bottle of Martini on it , the music sang,"anytime anyplace anywhere" how sexy was that? far better than the gurl on roller skates being pulled by doggies while a big ,man hating feminist screams, "AAAAAAHHHHHHHH BODYFORM, BODYFORM FOR YOU" , that second advert in no way gave me a stiffy but scared the crap out of me.

Nicolette Sheridan was that Martini gurl, she then went on to the film 'The sure thing' not a great actress but nice to look at, she disappeared for a while to turn up in one of them American soaps like Dynasty or something in which she snogged some dirty old guy a lot, I don't want to see that unless I'm the dirty old guy.
So disapproving and angry looking, so would you be if you had sex with Michael Bolton, why do older weemen with plastic surgery all end up looking like creepy cat weemen?

Now 25 years on she is one of the um sex symbols in desperate Housewives, the only nice one there is Eva Lungeria and she is an indiscreet sausage snacker.
Nicolette has gone the route of the panicked celeb, as she got older and found out that her audience is more shallower than her , she got the face lift, nose job, lips package and exercised to the extreme to achieve that muscled sinewy haggard look that men find so attractive, no more soft curves all chiseled and veiny .


Ah well my spank bank needed a clear out, those that aged gracefully are still in there, Virginia Mayo , Olivia De Havilland and Esther Williams, now you can all go and vomit, I have matters to take into hand.


Virginia Mayo
Legs all the way up to her arse, I won't sully her memory with some tacky joke about spreading Mayo on top.



This is what happens when you get too much plastic surgery, yeah I'd still do her.