Of Course I Can Speak Arabic

I still have CIA clearance if anyone wants to use it for the staff discount.

Old Knudsen pretends this blog is satire in order to slag off fuckers poke gentle fun at people and to leak classified secrets in the hopes that you sheeple will wake up and see that airplane fuel doesn't melt steel beams and that Trump is werking for the Hillary campaign. Oh and that the Jews run everything except Christmas and the EU which is run by the Illuminati obviously. 

A few years back Old Knudsen was in Callyfornia working in hangar 42 at Edward's air force base. Hangar 42 doesn't exist, that's a clever rouse because it was really Hangar 37 which is very top secret, tremendously top secret almost definitely a total secret. It doesn't even have a number painted onto it.

Aye the taxi drivers that took me to werk kept getting lost, well what could you expect they were mostly immigrants from some Middle eastern cuntry or something. You'd think they'd never seen airplanes the way they kept taking pictures of everything.

Anyways I was never there teaching Arabic to Navy SEAL's and other people that had an interest in learning to speak sand savage.
I really couldn't speak Arabic but I had put it on my resume and wasn't going to let those fuckers make me back down so I had to see it through. Who hasn't been there?

It's amazing how clueless westerners are with Arabic I was rattling off all sorts of shite and they were rushing to write it all down. Alect ha ba shake n vac .....  means I am not a western spy.

I went on a bender that lasted hours. 

It was there I got news of my father's passing and this time it wasn't the family boasting about him passing large Elvis like bowel movements. I got an e-mail from my evil older brother Lars.

Cause of death was aeronautic asphyxiation. He was test piloting a new jet fighter for the ministry of defense with a belt around while having a danger wank, he must have jerked off his joystick as he smashed into the ground in a ball of fire near Bromley.

That was the cause of death. My job was too important to leave for the funeral which was held in a pub since he had already been cremated in the wreck and his ashes blown out to sea by tropical storm Tommy. No fuss and barely any effort, he would have wanted that.

I just did an e-mail to me family and put CC on it so everyone would get it. I said 'Sorry for yer loss, move on. Best Wishes Soren.'   

Yeah I poured my heart out and since only two of my family can even use a computer it didn't reach a wide audience.

The replies I got was 'who are you?' and 'what? .... why are you e-mailing me you cunt? Best Wishes Lars.'

I accepted the e-mail of course though wondered why they'd let a 304 year-old that drove doon the middle of the road in his car into a 22 million pound jet and who the fuck gave him a belt? He wasn't allowed shoe laces and nearly hanged himself with his neck tie at one of my weddings. Clumsy, not suicidal. Me Ma had to get vertical window blinds cos he kept getting trapped in the venetian blinds.

I just got werd from an old asset that the whole test pilot thing was a massive and very clever cover up and now I suspect that SG-19 had Da Knudsen killed because he knew too much. Lars didn't even bother to e-mail me when Da died hence his confusion, I thought it was the crack.

It's true, Da Knudsen did know a lot, he could have won Jeopardy or Mastermind. Now Old Knudsen has to hunt down and kill those responsible .... ah fuck it, I'll just have a few jelly doughnuts.   

None of those I taught Arabic to seemed to have paid any attention as they are all dead now, what a bunch of losers.  


As the Ragheads say "Allo acklebar" which means loosely translated means 'fuck you paleface.'
   

Danger Selfies Cull The Herd

"Please, you got help me ..... shut up or the bitch gets it ..... listen to her she's serious :::blub blub::: just let me take a selfie before I die ..... better hurry up bitch cos I'm gonna do it."

The Bold and the beautiful called, you didn't get the part, even yer acting was too bad for them. Old Knudsen does studies in stupidity, he wants to understand people better so he can enjoy hunting them  talking to them more. Maybe I'm old but what the fuck is up with snuff selfies? ... then again what the fuck is up with disco dancing, you young uns never fail to disgust astound Old Knudsen. 

A 21 year-old Russian woman got hold of a security guard's pistol. The office werker probably couldn't figure out how to get past her computer's firewalls so she could watch porn or cat videos on social media like most office werkers do so she decided to take a selfie with the gun.

This is why open carry is a bad idea and why most civvies shouldn't be allowed near firearms, she "accidentally" pulled the trigger which made the gun unexpectedly fire. It was a rubber bullet which  ricocheted off the wall and hit her in the noggin. As far as I know she was in critical condition but expected to live.

You should always assume a gun it loaded and since modern pistols tend to have the safety built into the trigger you can fire the gun a lot easier now. Rubber bullets sound harmless, they are designed to be bounced off the ground and injure yer lower body, a head shot can be fatal.

I've been asked to do this post by the makers of the Darwin awards, they just can't keep up with demand.

 Plane just crashed, one person dead .... thankfully Instagram still works.

Mohammed Aslam Shahul aged 21, died in Bali after falling off a cliff while taking a selfie. He fell into the sea and it turned out that he couldn't swim. I guess 21 year-olds don't go on vacation to islands famous for its beaches to enjoy the water, unless the water is frozen and in their drinks. 

Anna Ursu, 18 was on top of a train in Romania to take a selfie when she touched the live wire. I hope someone took a pic of the burning mess or else what is the point to her sacrifice to the dark lord Selfie Dominous the shadow king?

Thanks to the selfie stick yer face no longer looks distorted unless the selfie is taken as you slip off the building.

Oscar Otero Aguilar, 21 from Mexico killed himself when posing for a selfie with his gun. 3 blokes from India, all  students aged between 20 and 22 died when they thought that taking a selfie on a train track with the train in the background was a good idea. They got out of the way of the train by jumping onto the track beside them not realising a train was coming in the opposite direction. I didn't see that coming, nor did they.

JESUS CHRIST! This is in bad taste. Jesus is my all time favourite historical character next to Sherlock Holmes, he deserves more respect than this. Whats next, stripping down to yer underwear and getting nailed to a cross for the ultimate selfie?

Oh never mind .... Jesus took duckface selfies for you!

Pete Wentz from a Fall Out Boy was not harmed in the making of this picture. 

If in doubt photoshap a shark. Then add the fake news title: 'Man Takes Selfie Moments Before Deadly Shark Attack' to mess with the critical thinking abilities of social media users who believe everything they see. 

The Pope also did not have a black Sabbath cassock either, some people want to believe but this faker doesn't fool me and no, he isn't cool and Black Sabbath were shite. Who am I to judge indeed ... doesn't stop you though.   

There are indeed some dumb enough to go into a shark cage for a selfie with a great white. Sharks are often maligned as vicious killers but in reality they only kill people dumb enough to swim in the sea or in rivers close to the sea. Often sharks mistake surfers and swimmers as seals .... Just like how Oscar Pistorius mistook his gurlfriend for a burglar before he shot her. 

It's a great excuse sharks but I'm starting to not believe it. 

Belfast boy takes selfie with queen .... she is not amused, he's still in the tower of London BTW.

Old Knudsen isn't impressed with snuff selfies or danger selfies, who cares if some back packers got naked for selfies on a sacred mountain? ... unless they have nice tits and then I care.

You hear people go on about how concerts are full of cell phones and people are no longer experiencing real life first hand, well that's bollocks! What is the point to going out, getting off yer head and missing getting a picture of Justin Bieber barfing on stage or Madonna falling off the stage? 

You just have yer fuzzy memory of the event right? Old Knudsen has missed years of his life due to the effects of alcohol on the brain but now he can record every drunken slur and sexual rejection thanks to modern technology.  Of course he has to get a smarts phone first even though he hates talking to peeple and doesn't like being tracked.

 

I do admire the fat girl angle selfies, very creative and why not? For some reason cameras aren't as good as mirrors and self delusion. 

 

 Here is yer prize for getting to the end of that post, yer prize is body issues, "look at that bitch, I bet she never eats and her lovely hair is probably photoshopped." or "look at that hottie, shit I hate my life in this basement and I'll never date a chick like her, should I do sit ups and improve my life or have more pizza? .... that wasn't really a question, pizza it is."

  

Selfies often bring beauty and semi erections to yer life unless it's Kim Kardashian then it's just 'oh her again' did you know that 97% of her indoor selfies that just show her face and shoulders were taken while she was having a crap?  Aye that serene yet smug look can be only achieved when pinching off a loaf ... true story bro. 

Take selfies responsibly and don't post more than 2 per month or people will think yer a self centered twat ... unless yer at new places or meeting celebs then it's ok cos social media is all about having the best looking life. 

If you do win a Darwin award then make sure yer pics get uploaded just before or after yer death.