Paisley Goes Postal

In a parallel universe, disgruntled employee the Right Reverend and Right Dis-Honourable Ian Paisley returned to his place of employment at the Parliament buildings commonly known as Sternmouth and exacted his bloody revenge for how he perceived that he was treated and forced to retire by First Overlord Peter Robinson and his henchmen including Nigel 'smiler' Dodds.

Six people were killed and 12 injured before Lord Baneside took his own life after yelling, 'Hallelujah.'  

 First Overlord Peter Robinson

Paisley who is famous for his sectarian and anti-sodomy stance entered the Parliament buildings at around 10am on Tuesday morning knowing that everyone would be on their second tea break. A long black coat concealed a large number of handguns collected over a lifetime of collusion with the security farces. First Overlord Peter Robinson was gunned doon as he pleaded for his life as Paisley's maniacal laughter filled the break room.

Deputy Junior Underlord Martin McGuinness described what he saw:

"It was horrible, we were on one side of the break room refusing to dunk our Jaffa cakes into our tea when we heard gunfire from a 9mm Beretta, don't ask me how I know that. The door to the break room was gently opened and in walked Ian laughing like a mad man. 

The bullets ripped through the tables that Dodds and Donaldson were hiding under and Peter begged to be spared but to no avail. 
Ian looked at me with those cold grey steel eyes and I thought I was next but he just tipped me the nod and winked as he left the room.  I could hear more shooting and screaming coming from the great hall and then silence."

Sinn Fein has since contacted victim's rights activist Willie Frazer to represent them in their claim for compensation for being emotionally scarred from witnessing the events. They have to prove who exactly was there as they allegedly say that all the members of Sinn Fein and some family friends were in the break room at the time.

While Northern Ireland mourns the loss of such valuable members of society, Edwin Poots the former Minister of Paramilitary training and recruitment was sworn in at First Overlord at a secure location in Ballymena.

Lady Baneside was quoted as saying, "They got what was coming to them. Ian had secured a legacy for his children of being in charge of the church and politics of Northern Ireland but they ..... took it away."  

Meanwhile in Argentina another figure who rose to power through the Cult of personality, Adolf Hitler has announced the publishing of his latest book to coincide with his 126th birthday this year.

Hitler the former leader of Germany and popular game show host is being kept alive by having his organs regularly replaced with those from young runaways.

His latest book suggests he was in support of the Jews and it was the aggressive bullying of the Allied powers that led to the death of millions.

Paisley has gone postal in the media and is trying to reinvent himself  as a kinder figure who never forced clergyman David Armstrong out of his parish for being friendly to his Catholic counterpart during a Christmas service.

Who never launched the campaign "Save Ulster from Sodomy" that fought the decriminalization of homosexuality 

Who never said that the Roman Catholic church has deviated from true Christianity ..... whatever he thinks that is.

Who never shouted at Pope John Paul II "I denounce you as the Antichrist." He was wrong it seems.

Who never blocked roads during civil rights marches, never set up several paramilitary groups, never made excuses for Loyalist terrorists and never encouraged people he knew not to attend the church he preached at after he left it.

He is attempting to destroy those from his party who didn't want an old man falling asleep during meetings to be their leader anymore. Gerry Adams was too powerful a name to have in the north and that is what happens when you play the Cult of personality game. You might as well go in with a few guns mate, it's more honest ya big mouthed shite.