So anyway start of a post dripping with sex appeal and whatever else.
I when into the local Scottish place for some food the other day. I can't say the name of it because like the play with the prince of Denmark , you know the one that Mel Gibson made a film of in which he went mad and killed some Jews for starting all the wars or something like that. So anyway its bad luck to say the name and also The Scottish place might sue me.
There were the usual suspects, some bint was in the corner writing a book about boy wizards who think its magic to use their wands, the big boned ladies above and their rubber like children below throwing food and yelling a lot, yer deluded people that cum in for salads not realising that even the salads are deep fried and sprayed with a layer of tasty trans-fats.
I waited in line which I hate cos I didn't fight the Russians at Stalingrad to end up standing in line like the fuckers, those Russians queue for everything, bread, vodka, interrogation everything.
When it was my turn the worker who never smiled once and just grunted passed me a note saying, "please help me, get me out of here" never mind that crap I threatened the cunt straight out, "my fries had better be hot and fresh just like me and my order had better be right or I'm gonna shove my large fry up yer apple pie ala mode." I had no idea what I was saying the 10 or so painkillers were starting to kick in and I was feeling good but angry.
What does Old Knudsen eat at the Scottish place you may ask? no? well I'll tell ya, a quarter pounder value meal with no cheese and extra pickle and BBQ sass with me chips er sorry fries. I always go back up to the counter and say I never got my BBQ sass for my nuggets so I don't have to pay for them.
Old Knudsen has no fear, however I am a scared of Lemurs, bush babies, feminists, dickheads with authority, those fish called betas, getting caught by the fuzzies and clowns. How was I to know Ronald fucking McDonald was going to be there? do I read the big signs posted outside?
He came in and posed with the workers, oh look I just splashed you in the face with hot grease how funny. He posed with some of the customers for pictures and I was getting more worried because he was getting closer to me.
Being a man of action I took my tray to the toilets and ate in one of the stalls shaking from the sight of his clownness. I was able to eat and shit at the same time it was just like sitting on my commode at home .
I finished my food and left the tray in there as its their job to clean up not mine. I exited the stall only to see Ronald standing at the sinks waiting for me, at that moment I realised that not all of my shit had cum out.
I stood there frozen like a homeless person in the headlights with head lice and he spoke, "They all float doon here."
I didn't know what he meant but as I wasn't going to wash my hands anyway so I walked out.
I felt a tightness in my chest, my left arm was tingling and I had the taste of copper (and pickles) in my mouth.
I called out to the staff, "is there a doctor in the restaurant?" 5 of them raised their hands and 3 teenagers said huh? it turns out they weren't medical doctors just PHDs so I got into it about what total pretentious pricks they were calling themselves doctors and how I was two hamburgers short in my order but had lost the receipt and I'll be on my way as soon as I get them (with extra pickle of course) I had a belch and a lumpy fart and no longer felt unwell and got my burgers and went before creepy the clown showed up again. I was definitely not loving it.
12 comments:
Here’s some advice in case you ever accidentally say the name of the Scottish place while you’re in there.
Run out of the restaurant, turn around three times and spit over both of your shoulders and ask to be let in again.
There's something to be said for the efficiency of eating in the loo, but I would need a barf bucket at my feet in the Scottish place.
MJ I do that already without the running out part, flashbacks to the war and woodstock you know.
psychicgeek don't insult my culture woman, Robert the Bruce himself ate at the one in Killamory.
Clowns scare and am I the only one who thinks he visits the restaurants and then the kids at their "houses"... you know, the ones who got cancer eating their food?
chicken nuggets? damn, sugar, i had you pegged as a solid RED meat and potatoes kinda guy! *have to rethink image of you*
a boxer I knew about the mind control but that is terrible.
savannah you've either been caught drinking or skimming, maybe both, I never had nuggets.
You have no particular brand loyalty as I've seen you in your "Home of the Whopper" boxer shorts.
I'm worse than the Irish I go where the money is, its only a junior whooper.
I talk big, but give me a filet o'fish and large fries and I'm as happy as a crack addict with a needle in my arm.
*sigh*
Boxer: You need to learn to share.
Why don't you offer Knudsen a bite of your fish taco?
clowns are fucking evil. Which makes sense that a fast food king would have it as their icon. Right up there with talking cactus', it's just wrong.
all i used to have to say to my daughter was 'the DONALD MAN IS COMING!' and she would scream and cry for the next hour.it was a great way of taking her mind off our extreme poverty and the flocks of birds that tried to peck their way into our house every day around high tide.
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