So Wet And Pink

Friday and Saturday nights at the Ohhmm well being clinic manning the suicide chat/hot line can get a bit difficult.

Without giving too much client confidentiality away I had this lass named Barbara from Invergarry call me up to tell me she was considering ending it all.

I asked her why in my pretend to be interested voice and so the silly cow told me.
She is an over weight plain looking woman who suffers from depression and is addicted to cold medicine. She has 3 teenage children who do what they want and disrespect her all the time. The only highlight in her day is watching Eastenders. Her husband works a lot of overtime and she knows he is having numerous affairs, she is lonely and desperate and hates herself, people dismiss her because shes not got anything interesting to say and so had a load of pill bottles in front of her and a bottle of vodka to wash them doon with.

I am well trained to deal with this type of situation but this time I was drawing a blank so I said well good luck to her and I hope things get better soon.

I actually had the telly on but I was sensitive enough to have the sound turned doon. The film 'Cobra' was on with Sly Stalone and the action was getting started so she called at a bad time, hardly my fault.

The goth boy who thought he might be ghey I gave him great advice,smile more and wear sunny colours, get a hair cut and join the navy ya fucking poof. Whats long black and full of semen? a submarine and they always go doon. You'd have to be ghey to wear those uniforms.

I never get repeat phone calls, nor do I read the news paper after my stints on the hot line, too depressing.

Well that's my part time job as you older readers should remember, my main job is as a life coach.

Even famous people need help now and again, I helped Charles Manson get over his low esteem in the 70's before he became famous.

In 1980 I was on the cusp of getting John Lennon out of that dopey hippy phase , make war not love was going to be his next LP, a more metal sound to it.

John Denver had a fear of flying but me and my mate Steve Fossett convinced him that statistically speaking they are safer than cars. Two birds with one stone.

I got Kurt Cobain over his fear of guns as its people that kill people not guns.

Christopher Reeve was worried about being too tall to horse jump, I said wise up yer only as tall as you let yerself be, yer Superman for fucks sake what could possibly happen?.

I convinced Steve Irwin to branch out from crocodiles, diversify I said to him, get out of yer comfort zone and take a risk.

Its not my fault they fuck up I told River Phoenix to try heroin not get hooked on the stuff, silly bugger.

The fella in the picture above is the famous guru Wang Chung from the eastern star promise of a better way temple. Even wise men need a star to follow. Now that was fucking class, did you hear that? star to follow, I just pull this incredible stuff out of me arse like when a dog swallows a deflated balloon and half of it hangs out of its hole so you pull on it, funny as fuck when it snaps out.

Chung thought the path to enlightenment was to deny all the pleasures in life and sit in the lotus position and eat a bowl of rice a day.

I said to him, do ya think Buddha ate a bowl of rice a day? look at that fat fucker, hes morbidly obese hes like one of them Americans they have to cut the wall off his hoose and have a crane lift him to the Dr Phil show.

You know what they say about fat people right? always so fucking jolly, skinny people are always going around cold and miserable eating a stick of celery for lunch then boaking it up not realising that it doesn't matter cos they are boring as fuck and ugly, plus their breath stinks of vomit and the enamel on their teeth has all been eaten away.

Chung looked at me as if I had just told him the meaning of life, Billy Graham eats corn on the cob and fried chicken and that cunt is 89, live a little man.

Chung's temple gets a lot of donations so in thanks for my help he took me out on the town for a Curry and a piss up, that wee gook can sure put the Southern comfort away.

He kept going on about the Dalai Lama and what a cunt he is stirring up trouble against the Chinese, oh no you don't see him being a martyr . Anyway Chung became my best fucking mate and we ended up having a three way with Patricia the stripper, ah good times.

The only blight on the night was the fight we had when I caught him looking at me cock, none of that oriental gheyness now, they don't all know kung-fu you know, after I kicked his arse I felt like doing it again an hour later.

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