A Prelude To Thanksgiving

To get non Yanks into the spirit of Thanksgiving as well, even though it is based on a British celebration. We all have stuff to be thankful for, such as my words of wisdom, me not knowing your home address and spell check, I am sooo thunkfill for spellcheck, now if only the spellcheck didn't drink so much.

Stay tuned for Old Knudsen's great Thanksgiving post. When I say great I mean not as good as the ones I read here and here but it does the job.

Not A Shite Film.

Are you trying to give up the Devil's Dandruff or has your dealer cut you off? or are you just a Billy no mates? well go and rent out an old film (if you can find it)


The Hasty Heart, 1949, staring Ronald Reagan as Yank, Richard Todd as Cpl Lachlan 'Lachie' MacLachlin.

A nice film, no explosions or car chases, I highly recommend it to anyone, well not Sammy as there is no CGI. I can't stand Reagan's bad acting but hes ok in this, one of the few films that brings a tear to my eye and a lump to my throat.

Read about here if you wish.

Come And Get Yer STD While Its Hot.

Old Knudsen gets to gloat over the misfortune of others yet again or Schadenfreude as we call it in the Fatherland.

I'm only gloating because I am right, who would of thought that these two kids with good jobs and good futures ahead of them with the sparkle in their eyes of a dream and from the cocaine would end up splitting up? well me ya silly twats, I called it in one of my other posts on divorce 'Rambo's Rimjob Roid Rage' , below is the comment to Nuggetmaven that spelled doom for Pamela and Kid Rock, what a silly name by the way, who names their kid 'kid'?
I am still amazed that Shatner is still alive after I claimed he had died, well hes not getting any younger.

Next!

I've added and changed some of the reviews on the right since one of you fuckers somehow stole half of them, if you aren't on it you aren't trying hard enough, or I've forgotten, well there was a lot.


nuggetmaven: its a tongue twister alright, I also predict failure for any marriages that involve Paris Hilton, Pam Anderson, Angelina jolie and Liza Minelli, no brainers, and why is Hilary still with that sink wanker? she should cut him loose and live with me. October 30th 2006

Why The System Fears Hoodies.

A few years back I lived in England, Sasenachs all around me with their silly accents and soft ways. The area I lived in was a little bit rough but tame compared to Scotland of course.
The war of terror against the Muslims was still on then, soldiers were eyeing up anyone with a sun tan or a bandaged head wound and the Government was abusing it's power in the name of national security.

Only one group of people stood up against the system, Robin the hoodie and his band of merry men, formerly a cabaret act, playing the castles and working men's clubs, now as a band of outlaws they thwarted King John's plans to raise the tax on tobacco and alcohol by stealing from the rich and keeping it because they were poor, in Robin's usual drunken state it all made sense.

Whoa like lady dude, I'm totally Robin Hood, can't you tell by my accent?


King John was keeping the throne warm for his brother Richard. Richard wasn't much of a king, he had a near fatal heart attack with led him to be transplanted with the heart of a lion, as he recovered he found religion and went off to the middle east to behead and convert (in that order) anyone that wasn't Christian and to keep Jerusalem Camel Jockey free as little baby Jesus would have wanted .

I almost joined Robin and his merry men, I did the odd ambush in which we covered ourselves in leaves , swung from the trees while laughing and slapping our thighs in glorious technicolour winning the day, though in Autumn with the falling leaves it was a little bit harder, but that was our plan and the only one we could think of.

Robin being the lead singer never had a shortage of chicks around the camp, Marion and Guinevere were always at each others throats and Robin would sit and watch with glee, then it would end in a magic mushroom fueled orgy with Robin, Marion, Guinevere and Glee who mostly liked to watch.


Michael Praed as Robin in the TV series, before he was assassinated at his own royal wedding in Falcon Crest.

The merry men were not very merry, well Will Scarlet was definitely a Mary, he had changed his name from Will Flaming and was a proper dandy, to get him into a blood rage all you had to say was "did you see the look that soldier gave your shoes?" within seconds that soldier had his eyes scratched out and tuffs of his hair missing.

Little John had issues, a big 7ft tall fella like him and only a little cocktail sausage of a willy, God has a wicked sense of humour alright.
One time John came over to me and whipped out his lad " look at this and tell me what you think" he said, I looked at the sad little thing and tried to reassure him,"it doesn't matter what size it is when its soft and limp all you do is pee out of it ", his eyes welled up and he turned and ran off, I heard him mutter inbetween sobs,"that was my biggest boner yet".

Friar Tuck had deep physiological problems too, his love of boys and the church was in conflict, usually a man of the cloth does whatever he wants and everyone but him gets the blame but tuck had a conscience, well more than most, in his pain he would over eat and then throw it back up in guilt and disgust at himself , he was thoughtful in the respect he always threw up in the pig's trough,"waste was a sin " he would say as he wiped his mouth.

I got a little bored with this band of brigands, and will was starting to look quite attractive in a certain light so being a man who believes in the law I went to the sheriff of Nottingham and touted on the lot of them for a pardon.

Jason Connery (son of Sean) took over from Praed showing that Robin Hood went blonde long before Bond did though the connection and the fact that Jason also played Ian Fleming totally bends my shite.

After serving time in prison Robin and Glee were drafted into the army to rid them of their hippy ways, you may have heard of the Yabba Do prison torture scandal, well that was them.
Marion and Guinevere being ladies were forced to become nuns and now munch rug for God.
Little John liked prison life, though his lad was tiny he had really well defined buns of steel and became a catcher not a pitcher, to promote prison harmony he was given a longer sentence.

Friar Tuck took his computer to PC world to get it repaired, he then got charged with having kiddie porn on it but the church got him off and now he lives in Spain where anything goes, aboard his pleasure boat El Cid with 3 young Moorish Friends, Michael, Roger and Patrick, and though you can sometimes hear the after dinner splashing of overboard boaking hes lost a lot of weight and is happy with himself as a Godless Pedo.

Some twat that fancies himself as Robin Hood, if you read this twat, punch yourself in the balls.

Will Scarlet met Ivan the Ho while in jail and now live in Bristol together and became Mr and Mr Maroon, probably no relation to the good Doctor.

I got a Knighthood and a small piece of land called Tyne and Wear, more silly accents, I ran that place into the ground before Richard the Lion hearted Frog who couldn't speak a word of English, and only used England to raise money to war against the Muslims came back in the last 5 minutes of the movie and chased me off.

Never fear, if this post is a hit I may come back in the sequel as a time traveling Cyborg (its all true you know) and kick his arse.

Dead Nigger Storage.

I've seen Seinfeld on Sky TV now and again, didn't think too much of it, I like that little slutty woman Elaine but that freaky looking tall fella Kramer something about him makes me want to stick a fucking fork up his arse and hang him from a tree, no not really very shocking when I say it now is it?
Michael Richards (Kramer) went all KKK on a couple of black hecklers while he was doing a stand up routine.

I watched the clip on the link over at Taihae's blog and I saw warnings about how bad it was and the reaction from others, sure it was bad, and over the top but if you live in the real world you've seen it all before, it was just surprising coming from him.
Richards used the word 'nigger' quite a few times, not one I use myself but quite effective if you are looking to insult someone.
The heckler retorted with cracker which I suppose would be the black version of nigger, a typical American encounter with chest beating and loud name calling, all those glasses in the place and not a one used to shut the other up, the heckler went on to say about Richard's career or lack of it after Seinfeld, I don't think he has to worry about that now, the 3rd world baby craze and celebrity divorce trends are ended, Kramer just did a Mel, end of a career or just the start.


Kramer on one of his many racists rants.

Rappers and fan of Rap are morons, the word nigger has been spelt nigga and is now ok to call a black person, well as long as you yourself are black also, its a racist thing you see, if you can't share the word nigger with the rest of the class then no one should have it. Look how stupid it is, nigga gangsta and pimp are cool things to call yourself, I'm sure that Martin Luther King fella and Malclom X are so proud.

Old Knudsen isn't a racist, I hate everyone no matter what you are so fuck off, I will address the issue and not tiptoe around it.

Richard Todd and Michael Redgrave bird spotting, for bonus points name one of Old Knudsen's favourite films that starred Richard Todd as a bitter Scotsman and Ronald Reagan as who cares he couldn't act, lay off the google ya cheats.

The 1954 British film The Dam Busters staring Richard Todd and Michael Redgrave was about a plan to bust open 3 German Dams and flood all the munitions factories below, the cool part was is that they used ball like bombs to bounce across the water and hit the dams. 8 of the 19 Lancaster bombers didn't return, the death toll on the German side was was 1300 German civilians and 500 slave labourers from the Ukraine. The reason why I'm mentioning this was that Richard Todd had a dog named 'Nigger' at one point he went around shouting,"Nigger Nigger", poor wee thing got knocked down, by whitey no doubt.

The 1968 film the Scalphunters I recall Burt Lancaster (as in the bomber and the town) called Ossie Davis 'nigger'.

I believe that nigger has more power than the words cunt or fuck not just because of the history it implies but because its been given power by those that don't want to aknowledge the problem too busy trying to get along and not offend with their PC terms like person of colour or Native American, I call a spade a spade no pun intended but its what we are, if you try to boil people down to just people well that's not going to work,"so madam did you see the two people that mugged you?" " yes officer they were two humans as I refuse to see them as anything else".

Whats the final solution? (joke intended) education, sure it won't work for the old coke head has been on stage but to those who look up to 50 cent or ludicrous it is much needed, if the schools can't help self help, go learn for yourself its easy, I know some people feel trapped in their life by their environment but theres always a bus out of town.

I was going to put up a post on wanking and the big dump I had at B&Q (the DIY shop) the toilets were closed for cleaning but they had a bathroom suite on display, I'm sure if you go in you can get it for cheap.
And if any Doebag asks how does an old Scot know about 50 cent and Ludicrous, well its a wee thing called the interweb, try it sometime ya slack jawed cunt.
The moral of this post is, you hecklers, shut your fucking mouths and watch the show, and if I see you in the cinema shouting at the movie and spoiling my enjoyment I'll beat you to death with my wooden leg in a very unracist way. there let the angry comments begin.

Don't Shoot Till You See The White Of It's Horn

The Britsh army on maneuvers in Kenya.

The cover story
This week British troops while on military exercise in northern Kenya got lost in the bush at night and stumbled across an endangered white rhinoceros, it was mostly endangered because it thought it would be a good idea to charge at these soldiers, always ready to fuck someone up the troops shot it.
It couldn't have been the slightly less endangered black rhino oh no that would be racist.


The real story
Back in the day there was so much game in Kenya, the expression "you got game" came from there, people were having white rhino burgers and steaks all over the place but I was going through my join a cult vegetarian phase so no meat for me, I used to look out at the herds of white rhinos and think "I wonder what they taste like" Thankyou British Army the cheque is in the mail.

The cover story
2001: The British military apologised for invading Spain over the weekend by mistake, 20 Royal Marines got slightly off course and stormed a Spanish beach near Gibraltar, they only halted the burning of the village of La Linea when police and fishermen told them it was Spain, the soldiers believed the fishermen as everyone knows they are trustworthy fellows.

The real story
Sometimes even the Royal Marines just need to lie on a Spanish beach and soak in the rays, surely it must of seemed odd that they invaded in Speedos and 6 packs of lager.

Hot Sex Midget Orgy.

Tom tries out his Jedi mind powers, "you do not see that I'm getting fat, these are not the Stars you are after", one question how does he manage to walk in those heels?

Just to be consistent I am mentioning the wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, I fully expect to be able to tie it in with the divorce post I'll do about them within the next 3 years.
They got married in a medieval town in Italy, that means no running water, no cable and a brutal feudal system that doesn't think twice about beheading any paparazzi that don't bow to the High Cruise-ness.
The guests included Richard Gere animal lover extreme (gerbils) Jennifer lopez with the arse most men want for Christmas, Jim Carrey the most original funny man of all time (check that statement for sarcasm) David Beckham who is very pretty and can kick a ball, accompanied by his skinny skanky slapper spice wife, Roberta Armani who is the niece of someone famous and Brooke Shields who actually had to try acting by going around looking happy, Tom met her before the wedding and said " thankyou for taking the time to come to my wedding" then a quick photo op and not another word was spoken by them, Tom did mutter to one of his Scientology minders "keep that crazy bitch in line".
The ceremony was performed of course by a scientology minister, and so probably is as real as my wooden leg, the couple were dressed in silver space suits and the theme to Star Wars was played, when asked,"Thomas Cruise intergalactic lord and former big movie star, do you take this earthling as your 3rd wife, till divorce my you part " tom raised his hand and gave the Vulcan salute and said,"nanu nanu". When asked if she took this space God with the laser beam eyes and the views of an idiot as her lord and master Katie broke down in tears, until her scientology handler answered yes for her.

Tom and katie laugh as Tom uses his finger to zap a reporter.

Ah the happy couple, whats with the downgrade Tom? shes no Nicole, and whats with the marrying a rich crazy fucker Katie? I'm sure your career would have eventually taken off, maybe the rent was due and its not like marriage is forever or anything, has Suri started to levitate stuff yet? remember only happy thoughts, Scientology is good, you don't want to be sent to the corn field by a 7 month old.

The title is because this post is shite so I thought I'd have fun be seeing how many Germans I could trap when they search for the title.

Update: thanks to the title there is now a pack of dirty shites reading my blog, Egypt shame on you and your animal sex search, um unless you're a conservationist or something then it might make sense.

Tastes Like Teen Spirit.

Damn you Captain Birdseye, you and your promise of battered cod and breadcrumbed Fish Fingers always got the best children to crew your boat. I will see you in Hell sir, good day.


From the Urban Dictionary:

Captain Birdseye

A pedophile who lives on an island with kids.

Yarr kiddies its the fish finger pinchers com ere me hearties grab
hold ov me mast an quick check me cannon balls. Giv em a gd ol
rub oooo yehh.

Burma This Is Your Last Warning.

It seems they hand out medals for bastardly cuntiness in the face of your own people.

I have decided to boycott burma, the last time I was there was when me and Errol Flynn were fighting to cut the Japanese supply lines during the second World War, I don't want to talk about it, but anyway he was a lovely looking man wasn't he? sure he couldn't see why having sex with under age gurls and boys was wrong if their culture said it was ok, he was kinda selfish like that, it was sad to see his movie star looks fade with age drink and drugs but there you have it, its bound to happen to us all some day.

One of Old Knudsen's favourite films is Captain Blood.

Old Knudsen now gets Political and angry.
Since the early 90's a General Than Shwe has been the dictator of Burma, hes a real wanker, you know I haven't met a dictator I have yet to like. Than Shwe and his junta have put a third of the countries money into its military, he renamed Burma, Myanmar and Rangoon its former capital Yangon, now this really pisses Old Knudsen Off, half the countries in Eastern Europe have all been renamed by someone called Stan and even in India Bombay is called, well I can't remember what they are calling it, cos I'm calling it Bombay.

The new capital city of 'Burma' is Naypyldaw which totally looks like word verfifcation to me. Than Shwe on the advice of his astrologer moved the bulk of his army and himself there on a specific date and time for good luck.

There is no free speech in Burma and even to give interviews expressing anything other than the crap of the junta means imprisonment and torture many times death, government mobs will follow democracy activists down the street and kill them, one fellow was hit by steel ball bearings fired from a catapult into his face then beat with bamboo sticks and finally had his head crushed with a rock, sorry to be so graphic but this sort of thing raises my heckle. I don't have vast sums of money, nor am I George Clooney in fact I have a face for radio and not a fine speaking voice,(well I think its fine but no one can understand me accent) I have only this blog to mention some of the shit that's going on there, I would be arrested for this blog if I was in Burma,I know many of you wish I was arrested for it, this happens all over the world not just in Burma, many of the countries we ally ourselves with do this shit. (no I won't mention the secret torture bases George)

General Than Shwe or Number one as he likes to be called cannot stand to hear the name of the thorn in his side being said in his presence. The pro democracy leader Ms (or Dan) Aung San Suu Kyi has been under house arrest in her Rangoon villa since 2003 in isolation, no repairs are allowed to be done on the place and its falling down around her, she is the daughter of general Aung San who won the independence of Burma from the British in 1948.


Burmese soldiers go after the poor ethnic tribes that live out in the jungle areas, they burn villages kill who ever and use rape as a weapon to drive them into Thailand, these people have no passports or papers, and no government will claim them so its alright to do away with them.

Burma has oil, so why hasn't it been invaded yet?

A lot of the tourism is run by the military and also some of the biggest hotels, so nearly all of the tourist millions go straight to the Junta.

I have now put the Old Knudsen 'Stink Eye' onto General Than Shwe, listen to me you plastic licking monkey fiddler, I am watching you and your days are numbered, you're done, "by the power of Gray skull, you are the weakest link fuck off".

I Got A License To Pose.

I have no problem with Daniel Craig as the new and blonde James Bond, if Roger Moore and Timothy Dalton could be Bond then this is a step up.
Crappy plots unbelievable stunts it all sounds too much like this blog, lets make the movies worse and get John Woo involved boy did he fuck up Mission Impossible 2.
Sean Connery will always be the first Bond though Pierce Brosnan 'was' Bond and you can't get much better, high praise I'm giving to a muck savage, are you noticing this?

I do have a request for Mr Craig, stop yer fucking posing, enough of the Zoolander blue steel looks or the squinting far away look that male underwear models practice in the mirror. I'll tell you what you look like shall I? someone who is acting while sucking on a Werther's Original.

Knudsen's Babes.

To many she is just some Australian bird, you wouldn't kick her out of bed but you wouldn't necessarily shell out for a pasty supper in the hopes to get your hole, (to buy her dinner as expected on dates if you want sex, for you non English speakers) to me Olivia Newton John, is up there with Viagara and a ride on a bus with a diesel engine, all give me erections .
She has this song called 'A little more love' and when I play it during one of my many sex fests I have sex with the Australian song bird by proxy.
I hear you're single now love, give us a call.

Looky Likey.

Erwin Rommel and
Ed Harris.

Its A Small World.

Since having done a post on the Falklands conflict I got a visitor to my blog from Port Stanley in the Falkland Islands, they did a search for the Falkland Islands, probably to see if anyone was talking about them.
Well I hope they were either insulted or entertained, one is as good as another for me.

This is now the most out of the way, unusual place that I've had a visit from.

Dolphins Have No Porpoise Kill Em All.

Shes old and if shes gonna die so will the fucking Whales, I know how old people think, I've met some.

I used to work for the Florida Underwater Research and Discovery Institute and one of the things I had to look into was the effect that party balloons had on the environment.

Every year tens of thousands of balloons are released for such causes as freedom, remembrance, promotions or to celebrate the environment, they give a few thousand people a brief 3 minute spectacle before they fly out of sight. Where do they go to?
You might get some school kid that finds a balloon with 'herpes awareness day' written on it and goes and asks his parents a lot of awkward questions, or one might land in the arse end of Ireland and they end up worshipping it, "all hail the great Lipiptor" you know what they're like*.
So where did the rest go to?

As the world is mostly water they probably came down and floated into nonexistence, I'll tell ya what happens, those fucking Dolphins and Whales that are supposed to be so smart bloody well ate them, the deflated balloon wrapped itself around the inner ears of said fish (away and shite about them being mammals, I know what a fish looks like) which gives them uncontrollable cravings for things like pickled onions, pickled eggs and even potted herring, vinegar is the key which is why they beach themselves and swim up the Thames like a total twat, in search of these foods.

Obviously they blow the balloons out their blowholes but by then the damage is done.
You don't need a PHD in arse scratching (the most common PHD to get) to figure this one out.
I really don't know just how I got the job, I spent the research grant on a really cool Ford Capri, the rest was spent at the pub and on family sized buckets of KFC and I squandered the rest.


What a cool fucking car.

Children are not our future, they may be a potential source of food but at the moment they are the unwitting perpetrators to fishocide, the people that buy a balloon for a child is the same kind of person that after a bit of rough in the park throws the used condom on the path not only to be seen by all who pass but to choke a Mole or a Bat that can't see and can only smell the delicious protein inside, to be honest I don't care, I got paid.



*very clever and funny and please don't hurt me ya pagan savages.*

Hands Off Our Islands You Latin Twats.

Up until recently I thought the words to this Evita song were "don't cry for me Argentina, the truth is I never loved you".
I did think it was a strange and cruel line considering the context but as everyone knows Argentina is a cunt, those fray Bentos loving bastards that let all the Nazis move there after the Second World War and then got them to train their army (because Germans are such winners) and then theres the Falkland Islands.

A meat pie in a tin, you can even get curry flavour.

The Argies all fired up on Tequila or lighter fluid or whatever they drink doon there decided that the Falkland Islands were theirs and they could beat GREAT Britain or at least make them back doon, they puffed out their chests in a show of Machismo rounded up the islanders and raped the sheep and worse of all, touched our very own Flag.
The Falkland Islands had been British since 1833, though 99% of British people had never heard of them, but as national pride was at stake in April 1982 we went 7500 miles out of our way to kick some Latin speaking Gluteus Maximus (well they do live in Latin America)

The main ingredient in Fray Bentos meat pies.

Even though the Americans were highly amused at the whole thing Ronald Reagan did offer the services of America's greatest hero Johnny Rambo, after being informed 'again' that Rambo is a fictional character and Stallone shat himslf when he thought he was going to war Reagan then offered to go down on Maggie Thatcher, she blushed giggled and said ok.

Rambo ready to draw first blood, and paper cuts do count.

Reagan was an old senile ape lover, I'm an old senile monkey lover, apes don't have tails, when I suggested in my Meme that I would put my monkey Wanker down I got tons of angry e-mails ----- not! you monkey hating fuckers, not one of you cared about poor old wanker with the mange and the worms, not a one, go and feed him a banana and say sorry to him, and Kieran ever since you turned up again wanker has started to shake and have bad dreams, I know what you're doing .

One of the best shows ever, you monkey hating bastards.

I was quite old back then but my skill at being a survey administrator was needed, that's the politically correct way of saying 'Interrogator and torturer' , we hadn't tortured anyone since the 1950's, well there was the Irish terrorists but those sickos enjoyed it, you tell them that unless they talk you're going to take them up in a helicopter and throw them out, oh they talk alright with a big smile they say,"I've always wanted to go up in one of dem tings, do ya tink we'll see my house?"


Obviously a real Oirish person.

I sailed down to the Falkland Islands on HMS Fearless with the Royal Marine Commandos , like American Marines but with brains and better training, no college crap for them our people join just so they can kill for their country.
Some words and names that came out at that time .
Yomping which meant to walk over rough terrain , place names like Goose Green and Port Stanley, the civilian cruise ship Canberra was used to move troops and had a reality show filmed on it.
The Exocet missile was the Falkland's answer to the Scud of the Gulf war.

The deadly Exocet missile, of that I'm pretty sure.

Prince Andrew served aboard the HMS Invincible as a helicopter pilot, he used to give me a ride aboard his big chopper loads of times and only once on his helicopter.
Even as a survey administrator I killed my fair share of Argies, it was just like when I had a hamster if you forget to feed them they die, a tough lesson to learn, for them not for me I was well fed.

Prince Andrew on the right.

June 2007 is the 25th anniversary of the Falklands conflict and I would like to know this, why has there only been crappy dramas starring Colin or Peter firth? you know someone unrecognizable and instantly forgettable, where is our major motion picture? Brits can only make war films about Americans as they have all the money but Ridley Scott got around that with Black Hawk Down by filling the cast with a lot of Brits and one Australian as fake
Americans, the film was about a political abduction and then a gun battle which the Americans lost, c'mon we won our war, sure Black Hawk Down is a cool film but my post tramatic stress disorder flared up after watching it, I had to get cream for it.

My name is Gluteus Maximus, commander of the armies of the North and my phone doesn't work.

I have never watched Evita,Julie Covington had the biggest hit with Don't cry for me Argentina in 1976 but that Elaine Paige was a right bit of stuff, Sarah Brightman is a minger that shags werepigs and Madonna has got too much Y chromosome for my liking. I really don't care for all that Andrew Lloyd Webber crap and it was annoying that don't cry for me Argentina was stuck in my head, but then it clicked.
"Don't cry for me Argentina, the truth is I never left you".
Now that makes a lot more sense.



Elaine Paige OBE, she must drink the blood of young runaways to stay young like Old Knudsen does.



Conclusion , we defeated the Evil Empire of Argentina and put a stop to their plans for world domination, the sheep are safe once again, unless we send in the Welsh Fusiliers to protect them.

The Talented Mr Knudsen.

Here is a post I had up on the other blog that I sell myself on. I just felt the need to put it up on this blog. I don't think the Monstee link works now, some may have already read this if so ha ha made you look twice .


This is an actual e-mail I received:

I am a blogger here in the States.Just getting started.

My name is Dave Knudsen from Seattle, Washington.

I guess my family is from Trondheim, Norway way back a piece.Any relation?

Your posts are witty, If yah ever come over lets have a pint or two!



You see? as soon as I get famous all the distant relatives come out of the wood work, the thing I was wondering is, does Monstee get these people? does Dr Maroon get an e-mail from the Maroons of Greenwich ? Does Foot Eater get the Eaters of Kansas City wanting to know if they are related?I e-mailed this fella back and got two pints raised to six and he's buying, this Interweb may come in handy after all.

Meet The Knuden's

Old Knudsen was over at Dive's blog the other day seeing what the young man was up to and found him reminiscing about the olden days when Elvis was young and skinny. He had some black and white photos up so I thought hey why not do that myself? to be honest I'm sick of idiots always asking me if I'm a real Scotsman and just how old am I yadda yadda (as we say in the Highlands) of course I'm a real Scotsman, if I'm not may the good Lord delete my blog, nope still here, as for my age, none of your fucking business ya rude wee shites even the Fuzz wouldn't ask so many stupid questions.


Here is a picture of my paternal grandparents, Granda Ug Knudsen on the right was a strong intimidating man, though strict with his own children he liked to spoil us grandkids, he caused a bit of a stir around the caves by having two wifes, not sure which one was my actual grandmother I just called them granny Ug 1 and 2 , he was into rock music when it was music of raw power, not the ya ya crap today, its all pop today, he would sit and bang rocks all day and he even shared his love of music with his children, at their bed time he would rock them to sleep.



Here is the black sheep of the family, Uncle Morris Lester Knudsen, or Mo Lester for short. I liked him, we always had special secrets together like rubbing the magic rhubarb to make a wish and if it squirts you with fairy juice it will come true. My father and Uncle Mo had a falling out and Mo went into the army on the side of the South, he was stationed on Hadrian's wall and to the rest our family he was considered dead to them, its one thing to rub magic rhubarb but joining a load of skirt wearing eyeties that drank wine and smelled of garlic was just inexcusable.
My father and I used to run around naked covered in blue paint scaring the shit out of the bloody Romans, when the North won the war against them, uncle Mo went off to Rome and got into the whole Goth scene, no really he became a Visigoth.
With no Romans to fight my father grew bored and went out for a packet of oats and wasn't seen again for years, he claimed he was captured by a Viking raider ship but it was more likely he volunteered.


Knudsen the red as he was called, he was always trying to get his village to adopt a method of living in which everyone had an equal share in everything. After a while he got sick of making speeches and became Knudsen the green and became a compost bin manufacturer.


My mother Gertrude was considered something of a beauty around the neighbouring villages,when Da vanished she had many gentleman callers making sure she had enough of everything as they were very friendly back then, when Da came back he got the wrong idea and slaughtered a good many of my new uncles. No matter how old you get you still miss your parents when they are gone, I miss mine, the fuckers never call, they moved to a retirement cottage down in Newquay, they'll phone up around Christmas time totally drunk and tell me what a good son I am and do I have my brother's phone number handy, ah families.

For A Really Sad Bastard.

For someone who is permanently down in the dumps this is whats best for you. Dick

For The Sad Bastard.

This is for a certain someone who is down in the dumps, can you guess who it is? for more clues click on the link.

All The Lonely People.

This is what happy people look like, even porkers with sideburns deserve happiness.

If there is one thing that chaps Old Knudsen's thighs its people putting up Youtube instead of a post, my telly works ok I don't need your help I come onto your blog for your thoughts not a video clip, well no actually its bloggers saying they can't think of anything to blog about and dragging their feet around all depressed about winter and the Christmas hols. I am reminded of a school kid on the summer holidays going up to their parents and saying, "I'm bored" and only going away when told ,"if you're bored then clean your room". If you're over 22 then you may have done something in your life worth writing about, so now I'm going to tell you about 2 miserable times I had at the landmark holiday/celebration times in my life, if you don't have anything to blog about write yours up then your current miseries may not be so bad, I doubt all your christmas' were white, and no sad stories of how your old dog died at christmas unless it dies in a really funny way.


Do you know how I spent my 17th birthday? well I'll tell you, I was in the Glasshouse, for those civies out there that's a military prison, I was left to the whims of the crazed sergeants and corporals of the military police, if you know anything about the British army you'll know that the MPs and the physical education NCO's (Non commissioned officers corporals etc) are the meanest and most sadistic of the lot and that's saying something, why let a poor soldier do things the easy way when you can make their life hell instead? that was their thinking, give an asrehole a little power and that's what happens.

Just look at this stupid bint, thinks she can smoke where ever she wants, thats an abuse of power that is.

Me and my fellow prisoners were dressed in green coveralls and made to run all over the camp picking up trash and cigarette butts, then we had to go to a nearby field where the General likes to swing his golf club and look for stray golf balls, all the while being treated like shit by the NCO's and any soldiers that we passed, great for a 17 year old's psyche.

At least they got taken for a walk.

I was incarcerated for a week, not that long considering what I did, what did you do? I hear you shout, I shot a man to watch him die, shocked? I then received the nickname Notoriously Dangerous Knudsen, or N.D. Knudsen, you're not buying any of this are you? well its true except I only shot a fellow soldier in the foot and that was by accident, ND actually stands for Negligent discharge, and the nickname did stick, they would have thrown me out but they needed all the fit young healthy men they could find to go and die for their country in the trenches of France.
Thankfully most of my regiment got wiped out at Ypres and only those that knew my nickname didn't know where it came from so I became Notoriously Dangerous which I remain to this day.


Iceman once told me I was dangerous, I told him to fuck off and get fat, which he promptly did.

One Christmas I was working at the Chipper (chip shop) on Christmas eve and when I was done it was too late to buy food as all the shops had closed(small town) and the day that X-mas was on was no where near a pay day so I was broke. My family were too far away and hadn't invited me over, an over sight or they just assumed I didn't need an invite, well I didn't ask as I have pride so I retired to my small lonely bed sit and looked at the food I had, the chip shop was going to be closed on Christmas day so no fish and chips on the sly. For Christmas dinner I had some rice covered with gravy (the same thing I had for breakfast) the last of my flat coke and I settled down to watch TV, only shite on, even the Queen did a half arsed job in her speech, " my husband and I, yadda yadda warm regards to the British people yadda yadda stretch it out yadda yadda" yes she actually said yadda yadda, so I went for a walk around the 5 or 6 shops in the main street, none where open of course. I got to sneer at the other sad lonely fuckers walking their dogs and then I thought, well at least they have dogs, the bastards.

Do the beautiful people ever get lonely at Christmas? fuck I hate them and their perfect looking ways, I bet her farts even smell nice.

My family never mentioned that Christmas, I'm not even sure they noticed that I wasn't there, so I will post on Christmas day and if everyone is too busy having unchristian fun at the expense of little baby Jesus to click on my blog, whatever, I'm sure I'll get some sad pathetic excuse of a person looking for love in all the wrong places and I will make them laugh and thus be put in the express lane of 12 sins or less into Heaven.


This is the lovely young lady that I'll be spending the holidays with, assuming shes not all booked up, they call her the Abroath rollercoaster, how dare you judge me you aren't me you don't know my pain, she is the reason my blog isn't called Old Bitter Blue Balls, its a medical condition I have, shes like an occupational therapist that the NHS won't cover because shes not old and dried up, she s hot and sexy .

Oh No A Meme.

I got tagged (in the ass) by Cyberscribe so blame that cunt.


1-Do you like the look and the contents of your blog?
I like the colour,and all the pretty pictures though my text is too close to my side panel, I think its my monkey, I may put him down one of these days.


2-Does your family know about your blog?
They know but don't care.


3-Can you tell your friends about your blog? Do you consider it a private thing?
I only tell the friends I am at the time slagging off in a post, yes its very private, so stop reading this you cunts.


4-Do you just read the blogs of those who comment on your blog? or you try to discover new blogs?
I read those who comment, those on my links and any others I happen upon.


5-Did your blog positively affect your mind? Give an example.
I became more tolerant to gheys, Irish, Yanks and Catholics, they are still cunts and there nothing like a joke at their expense but now I tolerate them, still can't stand the fucking English though, or Slavs, a dirty people like eyeties but with more grease, oh and the jews start all the wars, yes my blog has helped me to love.


6-What does the number of visitors to your blog mean? Do you use a traffic counter?
I means some folks will read any old shite. I use my site meter to spy on my peeps like a bathroom glory hole.


7-Did you imagine how other bloggers look like?
Yes I do, especially naked.


8-Do you think blogging has any real benefit?
It helps you meet people you are either too busy to meet or wouldn't want to meet and insult them on a regular basis.
If I can make someone half a world away laugh then I become a God.


9-Do you think that the blogosphere is a stand alone community separated from the real world.
Real people use the bloody thing, who wrote this question? I want to talk to your supervisor.


10-Do some political blogs scare you? Do you avoid them?
Political blogs bore me though I do talk politics sometimes. I avoid them as most political bloggers are Victor Matures. If you mean Neo Nazi political blogs, White supremacist blogs or para military blogs then they are just idiots and need to be drown in a bucket of water .


11-Do you think that criticizing your blog is useful?
I think its useful to tell you to fuck off.


12-Have you ever thought about what would happen to your blog in case you died?
I would only worry about writing the perfect post before I cark it.


13-Which blogger had the greatest impression on you?
Footeater, he is like my blog Daddy, he saw my greatness before all the others did.


14-Which blogger do you think is the most similar to you?
I am fully original in every way there is only one Old Knudsen, though I am similar to Old Knudsan and Fake Knudsen and various other identities out there in the blogosphere.


15-Name a song you want to listen to?
Why do all my girlfriends spontaneously combust?


I in turn tag all those on my links to the right that are cool enough to do this, those that don't are big fat poopy heads that want the terrorists to win, no pressure.