My Balls Are Itchy, Must Be Climate Change

Is this the ice age that scientists predicted in the 70's and 80's?

Old Knudsen doesn't believe many so-called "experts" he suspects they say shit to get funding and to stay in a job I mean what the fuck is an economist? And why do they have job security even during recessions? 

Experts think that early humans came out of the trees because the climate changed and it's either adapt or die, that's evolution baby! Imagine that, millions of years ago the climate changed and we said, "hey Africa really does suck big dino cock lets be Eurpoean" and got the fuck out of Africa and became white.

Of course this is speculation or at best an educated guess cos Mr Caveman didn't study the environment over a long period of time and his records consist of hand shapes and bison drawings...  what a moron.

    Snow during winter, must be global warming/climate change.

We can do soil samples and count tree rings but it only gives us some of the answers, we've only been collecting data for weather over the last couple of hundred years, a blink in evolutionary time. We really do not know what this planet does. Pumping it full of toxins, wasting precious rain water that drains to the sea and building golf courses in the desert probably isn't very smart. Is the planet alive? maybe it goes through a recycle phase when things become unhealthy. Those ruins were not a sky calendar, it was that last lot of people trying to build a fall out shelter.  

 Hot in summer, must be global warming/climate change.

Scientists tell us the planet is heating up .... sure 30 years ago they were telling us we were going to have another ice-age .... this isn't fucking science ya know! I think they give humans way too much credit for things, maybe there's like shit that they don't know about... is that possible? 

Oh no severe weather conditions are a sure sign of climate change, yes because we've never had that before. The Great Hurricane of 1780 killed 22,000 with it 200 mph winds. The Galveston Hurricane of 1900 killed 6 -12 thousand people with its 145mph winds. The Okeechobee hurricane of 1928 killed 4,078 people with it's 160 mph winds. 

The 1912 United States cold wave across the US killed 47 people with temperatures of −38 °F (−39 °C) and that wasn't as cold as 1917 for fucks sake. 

Look on the bright side, *at least it's dry.* 

The severe drought of the 1920's and 30's during the great depression that was even felt in China where millions died of famine. The world population of less than 2 billion in 1920 I suppose we'll blame green house gases from .... from ....

What I'm saying is that we only remember the bad days and forget all other generations. I'm not denying climate change, it changes every fucking 5 minutes in Northern Ireland, I am saying that scientists know fuck all and spent years studying fuckallogy but at least they are getting paid. 

Keep an open mind because I doubt we are seeing the big picture from our short span of history but really, grow some fucking trees if you own land, it's your duty to the future and bad karma for you if you don't. 

*cheery UK weather small talk*

25 Reasons Why Northern Ireland Is The Best Place In The World To Live

 

Couldn't think of one reason at all since this is a woman hating, ghey bashing, touchy, paranoid as fuck, man-child enabling, primitive, tag-nut on the arse of Britain so here are just a few odd things about Northern Ireland and the behaviour of it's people.    

When the sun comes out so do the young and almost attractive people, you may even see a smile or two as they sit on some grass.

The only other time that people smile is when drunk but that doesn't last too long as the compulsory fight has to take place ..... You lookin at me? you got a problem?

If the sun comes out and the temperature gets above ball freezing you're bound to see some skinny white legs in shorts, flip flops too if yer lucky.

Someone is bound to spoil things with taps aff! There is a reason that Northern Ireland people should  stay covered up. 

If the sun breaks cloud cover for more than 12 seconds then this happens. In a cuntry full of pasty white people do you know how hard it is to get sun block with a decent sun protection factor? ... the answer is very, however there are tons of oils to help you cook and age yer skin.... as if the drinking, smoking and not smiling hasn't aged you enough. 

 This lass is only in her 20's.

When the sun comes out you'll see all the middle aged and older men in their convertibles. I wondered why they bought those rather than a solid roof that kept out the cold and the rain, just so their thinning hair can blow in the breeze for 25 minutes a year.  No we aren't looking at you, we're shielding our eyes as the sun bounces off yer shiny domes.

When the sun comes out, drivers go crazy .... it's a lovely sunny day, what cars? I see no other cars.

 

On the flip side, if it snows half an inch the whole cuntry goes into lockown and panics.... Armageddon!!!!  

Builders who have done fuck all throughout the rest of the year decide to do all the building during the winter.
We're going to replace yer heating system and double glaze yer windows, after they dismantle everything they have to go home because it's too cold to work .... who could have foreseen that? We'll have you fixed by Wednesday ..... they never tell you what Wednesday. 

When the snow or hint of snow happens, those (probably the convertible dudes) all seem to have rugged trucks to get their shopping in with..... how big are their fucking garages to have a vehicle for each season?

The two main conversations yer bound to overhear are people discussing just how incapacitated thanks to the copious amounts of alcohol imbibed they had become and what a great hangover they had the next day, oh and of course the weather. There is a very valid reason the Aussies call the British whinging poms.  Wah wah wah, it rained today and wah wah wah it might rain later.

Someone is always watching you, not because of some sexy time attraction but to figure out who and what you are or if you are looking at them. Think of a cuntry full of mouthy Jason Bournes but without the deadly skills.

 

She misses nothing but if she sees a crime she'll never call the peelers .... because.

 

The police are nothing more than mall cops. Arm yerself for fucks sake. Car-jacking is big in the news right now. How shocked the people are that this is happening, yep no one ever taught them to lock their doors when in their cars and it never occurred to them to do so, "blessed be the simple folk for they shall be my food during the Zombie Apocalypse" ~ Jesus.  

If you ever need to put someone in their place here and make them feel the shame for mentioning the myriad of faults Northern Ireland has you will be told, "People in Africa would love it" aye they'd love to have someone talk doon to them and give them poor customer service, who wouldn't love that?
Well give it to them. You do know that those fuckers in Africa can actually tie shoe laces and send you spamming e-mails asking for money from their smart phones, some can mimic being almost human looking at times. They aren't all cutting up albino people for witchcraft purposes.

On the plus side some of Game of Thrones does get filmed here, I can tell you where yer man got his dick cut off and where King Joffrey died from drinking an 'off' pint of beer. Of course it doesn't look like Northern Ireland on screen, haven't seen any paramilitary murals yet.  

Such A Boring Post

Are people obsessed about talking about the weather because it is something that we all must endure?
We no doubt feel that bonding sense of us against nature and so much back stab Mother Earth and her moods.

More likely because it's a safe mundane subject least likely to get yer nose broken over. Weather forecasters often get the weather wrong so you getting it wrong is fine...... you can't go wrong.  

Did you see that goal Bobby Bobson scored in the first half? if they get through to the final the blues will be playing them, Moore's knee injury will blah blah blah ..... the only thing more boring than the weather is sport.

Maybe Frank's long lost brother will reveal himself to the person behind the threatening phone calls, if not then sheila will use those pills she got from her lover Dr Walters and will poison the doctor's wife .... gotta go, dining with the dancing singing stars on ice is coming on ...... then again TV might be quite dull too.  

Peter Willis, a retired postman plans to photograph the hundred thousand odd post boxes in Britain because ...... well fuck knows. Oh you just never know what box you'll get and from what year and in what condition.
Ya know what? I was going to start heroin today but no, I'll photograph postboxes instead, just think the rush, the sheer adrenaline.
I bet the wife gets a really energetic banging after a day of post box spotting, 'I'll stuff a letter with the correct postage into yer slot ya bitch ..... post it, post it, post it!'

 

Chris Hemsworth the Australian soap actor turned Thor worries about appearing as a boring person.
He prefers to remain quiet and doesn't tell people about his personal life in case it's exploited .... aye whatever dude, you stand around looking glum barely uttering a word. Yer an Aussie jock who loves himself and you are boring, but yer pretty and have lovely hair and big muscles so yer boredom shall be forgiven.

 

  As long as Tom Hiddleston plays Loki, we will tolerate you.

In Northern Ireland politics is sooooo boring. You'll hardly get anyone telling you of their opinion unless it's a really safe topic like Ian Paisley and his Alzheimer soundbites.  The weather: well Brits whine like fuck, oh no it's raining, oh shit it's sunny ...... on a 100 metre stretch of road Old Knudsen counted 42 cars and only 4 of the drivers had sun glasses on while the big ball of light in the sky blinded all.
Well it gave them something to talk about right? Their boring life had meaning.

Books: I think the only books people read are as bad as the TV shows they watch. 50 shades of Grey was a talking point for a time as these boring people were told that a bit of bondage, a few slaps and a little biting was fun.

With the right person some fake rape can be sexy, if ya don't believe me just ask yer Ma.  What is the point to people with no imagination or passion?   

Work: If you talk about work with people who do not work with you then it's like telling people yer dream, unless I was in yer dream or there was sex in it .... with me then don't bother telling me.

Old Knudsen has envy for you boring people, imagine being pleased at having such pointless intercourse, never having an original thought and being happy about that.

Aye yer the boring fuckers that tell Old Knudsen he isn't funny when you miss the point of what he is saying, ach if only I could read yer *blog* to see how funny you are.








* As written by you, not 10 others who you take credit for and blogging about yer baby or yer dinner  isn't blogging*

It's Bad Weather, So Gurn Up

I wonder if the crew of the Andrea Gail screamed an expletive laden insult, blaming global warming or climate change at the giant wave about to engulf them.

Imagine going out late in the fishing season and encountering bad weather, or imagining right now that we are having storms that blow doon trees, sting our eyes with ice and dry and chap our skin .... in winter, what the fuck is that about?

The weather is such a mundane subject but unlike employment, healthcare and education it seems to be the only thing that many have any real opinion on.

Polar Vortex

Go on British people, complain about the weather ...... #fuckingwhinypussies