Pig Squad

Bacon experts and authorities in Baconology have concluded that for every bacon sandwich you eat you lose half an hour off yer life span. The Federal Authority on Bacon is a task force that has been set up to combat bacon sandwich crimes. 

Hello madam I'm very special agent Knudsen and this is average agent Nash and we'd like to ask you a few questions about the death of yer husband .... oh and by the way yer husband is dead.

Yes yes I'm sorry for yer loss, yer still young-ish and quite perky on this fine cold morning, you'll trap another one in no time.

Why did yer husband want to end his life? Did he not know that killing yerself is a serious crime that could get you into trouble?

My husband was happy, he just went out to run some errands.  

Aye he was happy alright but he wasn't running errands, he was running into the arms of a woman named Hayley, she has been arrested in connection with yer husband's death.

She killed him?

She is a waitress at Al's dinner and has now been charged with assisted suicide. She knowingly served yer husband a bacon sandwich .... probably not the first going by witnesses, yer husband may have had a few extra good hours left to him if it wasn't for this cleavage laden widow maker in a short skirt, ach it makes me mad that this kind of thing goes on but it's soo tasty so everyone turns a blind eye.

If it's any consolation to you poor Harold only suffered in intense agony for just 10 - 15 minutes before he passed.

Harold? my husband is called Dennis. 

For fucks sake Nash, ya took me to the wrong hoose!  .....  I was just following you.

So my husband isn't dead?

I don't fucken know, he may very well be with the state of the ice on the roads today, and go put some clothes on ya Jezebel, those nips are very distracting ..... I may be back for a statement and some back bacon heh heh.

Slamming doors on Federal agents is rude, I know where you live!  

It's a difficult job Nash, if it wasn't for me drinking I'd have drown in this sea of raw emotion, maybe the real widow will be needing some three-way comforting, lets go.

Why So Angry?

We have long seen pictures of angry Muslims burning flags and screaming stuff but why are they so angry?
Circumcision is used in the Islamic world, it goes on to produce sub-conscious feelings of resentment and fear, what are they doing? How could my parents let this happen? Freud's attachment theory means that what happens to you as a baby affects how you are as an adult, don't get affection as a baby then you grow up not giving affection etc.  Just because you don't remember it doesn't mean that it didn't terrify that lil helpless baby.

This also explains why Americans are so angry and are drawn to big powerful guns .... because they were so powerless as a baby getting a part of their cock cut off.

 Meanwhile in Gaza.

So in the Middle east you have circumcision all round and a lack of bacon in their diets, no wonder there has never been peace in the Holy land.

While the Jews and Arabs can't grow back their knobends, they can at least eat bacon. Bacon was given to us by Gog and is a sign of his love for us.    

 

David Baconham

Tragically there were no survivors, and in other news David Beckham loves bacon sandwiches, this shock comes just after he revealed that 'bacon' was seven year old Harper's first word.

He has to share his love of bacon with his children as his wife Victoria only eats algae.   

Kim Kardashian's Big Fat Arse Is Almost As Good As Bacon

Who gives a fuck that Kim Kardashian has lost 25LBS after squeezing out her sprog? And who the fuck wants to see if her arse is still bubble-delicious?

Old Knudsen is disgusted that this even makes the news, don't new parents usually take 500 pictures of their ugly babies? Well Kim hands the baby off to a wet nurse and tweets her arse .... Old Knudsen would totally tweet her arse again, all that cushion for the pushin.