How To Talk To Women And Trick Them Into Having Sex With You

Being young tall, fit and good looking is too easy.  

Being a feminist I've read the articles on how to talk to women that are wearing ear buds with disgust. Do these blokes ever get their hole?  

As you know it's a them and us scenario and often when you apply the charm and become the guy they all claim to want they still cum off with lame excuses like they are married/engaged, 7 months pregnant, mommy doesn't like me talking to strangers, unable to get up because their hip just shattered when they fell etc etc.  

No doesn't always mean no, it often means they are playing hard to get and if the police and restraining orders makes you quit then maybe you just weren't up for the job. 

You see a woman on the bus or the train and she has earbuds in and is looking at her phone. Get her attention by a non-threatening wave then gesture that she removes her earbuds. She was probably sitting there waiting for her Prince Charming anyways. 

Start off with "I saw you sitting there in a world of alone and thought I'd rescue you". What woman doesn't want to be rescued from a feed of cat pictures? 

Lay on the charm. Ach sure it's easy for Old Knudsen but hey, give it a go. Say something like, "you'd be a lot more pretty if you smiled more" if you smell some Thai food it's probably her getting wet. 

Don't compliment her perky breasts, you don't want to sound creepy say something about her lovely eyes and if they are slightly turned in or something make a joke about her being able to read too books at once ... weemen like books and a man with a sense of humour is a real turn on for them too. 

Excuse me, weren't you in sperm burpers 4?

Another great line is asking if they've been in porno as they remind you of a really hot porn star or something. Who doesn't want to be compared to a movie star? ...... and I don't mean Lassie. 

Another line is pretending to mistake them for a high class hooker, quickly apologize before she takes offense then follow up with a "if you were though I'm sure you'd make a ton of money, I'd certainly pay you if I wasn't on benefits" .... Yer obviously lying about parting with money unless it's a decent rate.

Weemen appreciate honesty and are way more open than men so they will appreciate you telling them that you've got one in the chamber and wouldn't mind exploding all over their chest. 

Weemen don't want to be objectified and used as cum buckets, they want to be needed and valued like everybody does so make sure she knows about how useless you are at hoosewerk and that yer hoose needs a woman's touch and how yer barber refuses to shave yer back. 

They like to be needed and the back hair thing triggers the helpless puppy factor. You poor man, he needs me so badly. 

Don't waste yer time with joggers. They might not even hear yer compliments about their bouncing tits as they speed past. Wait until they get all that woman anger out and are tired and having a drink. 

Something witty like, "Experts say that sex burns off more calories than exercise and I'd totally put you through yer paces, I could be yer personal trainer, I'd so just lie there while you did everything."     

If they try to run off don't use yer walking stick to trip them, let them run free as they obviously still have that female anger within. Stay where you are, weemen aren't that intelligent and often can't help but to run in circles. 

Respect is the key. If you see a lass sitting in the locust position on some grass don't point to the keep of the grass signs or let yer dog pee on her. Acknowledge that she may want some alone time to contemplate life an shit so point out that you'll be nearby waiting for her to finish. Set boundaries like give her 3 minutes, they like it when a man takes charge.

This gives you time to eye her up and her strengths and weaknesses and what tactics to use in yer charm offensive .... really put in the offensive bit because it shows yer a strong male worthy of mating with and that is what weemen want deep down in their primitive DNA.    

An important pointer is to not bore the lady. Weemen love to talk about themselves so make sure you plant a tracking device on her and maybe bug her home so you'll have plenty to discuss that is relevant to her. Ask her advice on the best soap powder or vacuum to empower her but of course just use whatever you want duh.

Don't be cheap. Sometimes when a woman is claiming to be a lesbian or in a relationship charm is not always enough. Make sure you always have an extra tenner on you in case you have to bribe her with a meal or a drink.
Again make sure you take charge and order for her. This shows you to be strong and will make sure you stay within budget. Telling her a low costing salad would be better for her waistline not only helps her but helps yer pocket.  

Mind if I drive you home? ... oh I don't have a car 

If all of Old Knudsen's advice some how doesn't werk then maybe yer secretly ghey and not even my advice can help you. The way to figure this out or not is to go to a ghey bar and ask to suck cock. Men are way more easier than weemen .... so I've heard. 

If you enjoy sucking cock then maybe you've been charming the wrong audience. If you didn't enjoy it don't give up, try a few more just to make sure. 

There are chicks out there who are really men, the world is not just confined to men and women unless you are just trying to impress yer mates and prove to them you like gurls which is a rite of passage thing and totally normal. 

Don't listen to these so-called dating "experts" listen to me. Ach sure I may be going through an 8 year dry spell unless you count hookers but "riders block" happens to use all at some time.       

 

Ask Old Knudsen And He Shall Enlighten

You've got a nice ass, reminds me of my daughter's. 

I haven't had an e-mail asking for advice in ages so I was happy to get this one.  

Dear Old Knudson

I'm a long time fan and reader of your blog Old Brittle Balls and I'd like to know what advice you can give me about awkward small talk. 

I often get cornered in a shop or at a bus stop and I'm usually too polite to ignore it so I smile and laugh but inside I'm dying and would like nothing more than to stab them in the face with the Rambo knife I carry in my purse. I hate myself afterwards because I didn't do anything, please help. 

Stabby in Huddersfield  

Dear Stabby

British people like to think they are quaint and charming when they engage a stranger in the street in conversation but the reality is that they are boring and probably lonely for a good reason. 

Try not to think of people who engage in small talk as human though remember there are some silly laws about stabbing people that you may want to read up on. 

When someone says, "It's a blowy day, I heard it'll probably rain later" you are well within your rights to say, "do I look like someone who gives a fuck?" stating the obvious can be like an illness for some, of course it will rain later, at some point. Tell them how you can predict the weather by tasting the droppings from yer cat and how you never leave home until you do, it didn't taste very rainy today. Stating something weird in a serious deadpan manner is an enjoyable past time often employed by the old though anyone at any age can do it if all their fucks have been given.

Then there are the chirpy people. Why are they so chirpy, haven't they been following the refugee crisis that has suddenly just happened from out of nowhere? ... it's an invasion of drug dealing rapists and what's worse is that they are foreign .... all those halal drugs will drive doon the prices of British drugs, you mark my werds, economic collapse for the good white British dealers.  

I take a page from my sister's book. Whenever someone says anything to my sister Jamelica she thinks of what bad things might happen and cuts down yer day with them. "My son is studying for his a-levels" .... "I hear A-level grades have really gone down over the past two years and employers don't value them anymore, not that there are any jobs unless you have a degree, I'm sure he can get a job in KFC or somewhere like that, is his heart ok? I'm always hearing about young men just dropping dead from stress, you actually look a little tired yourself like my uncle just before he died, do you need to sit down?"    

Never tell Jamelica about births or marriages or you'll live to regret it. No one makes small talk with Jamelica now, in fact no one really talks to her at all anymore. Luckily she is ugly, well boring and not rich so what is the point of talking to her?

Fun topics to put people off making small talk. Talk about your sex life in detail, discuss mental health, anal bleaching, dog fighting or cannibalistic desires you have. 

  

Nasty Cold Vagina

Sometimes Old Knudsen helps his readers, no I don't mean his sex therapy and deep tissue massages I mean with his advice.
There are times when Old Knudsen just has to shake his head and say what the fuck is that about?

A lass who will remain nameless told me that her boyfriend was disgusted by her vadge. Not the smell (then all smell like wounded bear) but rather the appearance as it was not neat and tidy as the media portray vadges to be.  Old Knudsen gave her a pep talk saying how shallow he was and that she was a person who needed and deserved love, not a walking vagina put onto the earth to please him.

So what if her stench trench looked like a badly stuffed fish taco? the BF needs to wise the fuck up and appreciate what he has.... and maybe try not to look at it. 

The lass whose name sounds like Penny did perk up a little but still felt depressed so I jokingly said, 'hey send me a picture of it, I'm sure it's not bad at all.' and she sent me a picture.

Not sure if my message back to her OMG WTF is that thing real? quick kill it with fire! offended her or not as she never replied back and didn't respond to any of my e-mails since.... must have went offline.

The moral of this story is, never ask Old Knudsen for advice when hes just started a bag of glue.