Trump Trek

You know what they say about the size of your phaser cannon, so not an issue for me.

In the near future the Earth asks for its best and brightest to be put into cryogenic sleep to be awoken in the future. While some saw this as a trap set by the Democrats Trump shoved them aside and pointed out that he was obviously the best and the brightest as the rest of humanity were slobs and losers. 

President Trump awakes in the 23rd century. No historical records exist about him but his name plaque says '45th President' so they make him a Captain in Starfleet and give him his own command... The USS Clinton.  

  

A Captain has to look good in case any green broads beam in so you have to pick your space hair carefully. I'm already so good looking that it's very difficult to go wrong. I don't like this picture by the way as my auxiliary chin looks like a scrotum. Sad! 

When you are a Captain they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab 'em by the tribble. You can do anything. My crew, beautiful ladies in short skirts love it when I rage snog them. Spock is the only number 1 on board as I don't let anything less than a good 8 serve me. 

There used to be Yeomen on board but on a ship with few restrooms I had to stop them from serving. You don't want a yeoman sharing a restroom with your child am I right? Only guys and dames serve on my ship now.  

I'm not a racist I would so date Uhura, a beautiful beautiful girl. I would only bang her up the Kobayashi Maru though as we don't want a mixing of the genes ... nothing to do with racism though. 

I will make this parallel universe great again

Remember when I switched places with a Trump from a parallel universe? They plotted against each other, tortured prisoners and all had those creepy goatee beards like Gorka had but there were some very fine people there.

 No one noticed that I had been replaced with an evil double for weeks, they couldn't tell the difference, what losers. 

Let the Pliss flow

I still don't drink alcohol it slows down my ninja like reflexes too much. They have this wonder drink called Pliss, you can also wash and bathe in its golden goodness. Many planets have their own brands of Pliss. I like the taste of Pliss on Uranus. Tremendous aroma! 

I do get to wear my medals for neatness which looks impressive, everyone says so. 

Starfleet is all about the work work work. Worse than the White House. I do at least 3 hours a week so I can hardly fit in my any of my shows or several rounds of space golf. 

Having a starship means that I can go anywhere. We replace dilithium crystals more than any other starship but since they are beyond the concept of money in the 23rd century they can hardly complain. I'm still a billionaire though, so wealthy you wouldn't believe it. 

Since we don't use money telling the other planets to pay their fair share to the Federation didn't really go down very well. 

I got to meet the Klingons who probably have great respect for me because I'm a Captain. They appreciated that I shouted like a warrior rather than talked but their women, just look at that face, like Ted Cruz's wife. 

Kirk was weak on space policy but I say why not be friends with the Klingons and the Romulans? It's the Vulcans you have to watch out for. 

I tried to log onto the ship's computer manually as it couldn't understand any of my voice commands, not very advanced! I started to use a touchy screen and then it said, 'are you sure you want a warp core breach yes or no' ... I'm a can do positive person everybody knows this so I hit yes. Luckily Scotty my engineer from England fixed it.

 I fired 3 crewmen for letting me near the screen, what losers! They didn't understand what fired meant, it seems they don't have that in their socialist futuristic glee club either. 

In the 23rd century the media is still fake. They still deal in lies and are not at all interested in my facts of truth and amazement. 

In space no one can hear you scream, FAKE NEWS! I transported a crew member into the bulkhead and he screamed like a little bitch for hours until he died, ruined the finish of the metal.Terrible! 

The USS Clinton ... soon to be renamed is the largest in the fleet and more people and illegal aliens watched her maiden voyage than any other ship. It can also go way faster than warp 9.9 everybody says so. 

The future is safe with Captain Trump at the helm, my phaser is always set to rape stun ... believe me. 

Tits Get In The Way Of Busting Ghosts

What's with the front pockets on the 2 fatter ones?  

Too hot to handle too cold to hold, they call them 3 crackers and a token black.  Had em reboot a classic for a bunch of children while all the while Slimers under the building .... wanking at the new up skirt movie.   

No, the remake of Ghostbusters didn't spoil anyone's childhood. It just annoyed the fuck out of people. Instead of 3 unattractive white guys and a token black they have 3 unattractive white chicks and a token black. 

The only thing they could add is bukkake jokes when they get slimed. Why all women? Well we're going to have a female President so why not? And the outrage at women might make up for the lack of originality. 

I'm not outraged, I'm perplexed. Who the fuck wanted this film?  

     

How could you get any more funny than Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd? It isn't possible. I saw Melissa McCarthy in the movie Tammy and that was just awful. Anyone else I don't really know. Kate McKinnon does stuff on SNL but that show hasn't been funny for years. 

Ghostbusters became a part of pop culture and it still is, it's just a little dated. I don't get remakes if the original was good to start of with. Something like the Texas chainsaw massacre hit a nerve because that shit had never been done before, when the remake came around in 2003 slasher films were bleh, whatever. I don't think I even saw it, if I did it was so unremarkable I forgot it.  

The same with the Evil dead remake. Hit movies are to do with the time and the cast more than anything. Bruce Campbell wasn't in the 2013 Evil Dead movie but was in the TV series. I tried watching the show but it wasn't as good, its sell by date was up. I hate it when you get new, younger characters forced upon you.

Zoolander is a brilliant movie but its timing after 9/11 wasn't great, it became a cult hit years afterwards. The second film is just as good but probably because the cast have aged well and the same humour is still there.

I was worried about Star Trek as how could you replace Kirk, Spock and Bones but they did it. Enough to be like them but different. Scotty was amazingly miscast though. Could they not find someone that could do a Scottish accent? 

The Khan movie was a let down because we already knew who Khan was, even with Kirk dying it was a bleh one. Does Kirk have superhuman strength now thanks to Khan's blood? 

It was like Starlord, the famous outlaw no one had heard of ... my name is Khan ... um, ok.  

Star Wars had the same Ghostbuster reaction, a black person in the lead role? .... well actually it was a chick in the lead but not that you could tell from the merchandising. The struggle wasn't Rebels against the Empire but watching the old Han and Leia acting together in scenes. As exciting as visiting a rest home.

I'd actually like the Empire to win, how is putting elitist Royals in charge better? The socialism of the Empire works for me. Everyone gets a blaster and a motocross outfit .... sure the minimum of blaster training but pew pew pew.

         

Who doesn't have dickhead bosses that choke you now and again? No means NO Vader. The Darkside has cookies? You had me at laser swords and black masks so you don't put yer eye out. Also I like saying Rebel scum. 

So excuse the fuck out of me if the media is telling me I'm sexist about Ghostbusters or I'm whining because I had some happy memory from the past ruined. Um the original movie was good but not THAT good, it wasn't life changing. 

I'm just about shite remakes getting too much attention. I want movies like Zombieland, Zoolander,Oblivion  and Tropic Thunder.

No repeat Bonds or Jack Ryan, as Zoolander 2 said, lets have a Jack off night. 

Bring me more Superheroes but not the rehashed Batman, Superman and Spiderman crap. If I have to live through yet another origins story. 

Where is my Captain Britain or Alpha FLight? Alcoholic Brit superheroes with issues and Canadian super peeps that know Wolverine. Peter Dinklage may have been in an X-men movie already but he was born to play Puck. 

I'm pretty sure there are new stories out there. Look at TV shows like Preacher for fucks sake, sure it was a comic at first but only dorky male virgins have ever heard of it, new can be done.  

   

 

If You Haven't Seen The New Star Wars Film By Now Yer A Crap Fan So You Might As Well Read This

A typical Star Wars nerd. 

  

If you haven't seen Star Wars: The Farce continues movie then stop reading if you don't want SPOILERS otherwise read away yer a crap Star Wars fan anyways if Old Knudsen has seen it before you, you pretend friend of the force.  

Star Trek is and always shall be better than Star Bores. 

I watched it even though it started 20 minutes after the scheduled time, who wants 20 minutes of idiot commercials? If I can drag my sorry ass out to sit in a dark room full of people and their germs then the movie should start when it says .... the cinema is as bad a Doctors for fucks sake. Old Knudsen has issues with punctuality as not being on time shows a disrespect and a broken agreement that should be punishable by death. 

  Why are you giving me that? I can handle myself ..... I know, I'd just like to watch. 

So in a galaxy far far away blah blah blah they are looking for Luke Skywalker for some reason. The First Order of fries or something is doing the same shit as the Empire and they need the Forest Gump of Jedis to save them. 

If he had only stuck to farming he wouldn't have gotten his aunt, uncle and the crazy old hermit killed. 

A young lass named Rey has survived on a wasteland world by herself cos her parents left her there??? something stupid we have still to find out. Without adults she has learned how to fight, speak droid and wookie and many other languages, strip and repair any engine and fly spaceships .... something she has never done until she had to.

She can do anything .... except grow a decent pair of tits. 

I may not be as strong as you grandfather but I shall out staring contest your melted mask.

The Vader type bad guy Kylo Ren prances about menacing with a lightsaber chainsaw and has hissy fits like a sulky teen, you wonder what he looks like under that mask. 

Then he takes off the mask and you go, "ugh, put it back on!" Why the long face? I don't want to think about Princess Leia and Han Solo fucking but this is what the product of their unholy union was. It seems that Leia's DNA messed up Solo's good looks DNA. 

Luke Skywalker fucked up training Ren and he went to the dark side, then Luke went off to sulk .... er to find himself.  More evidence that Skywalker couldn't train a dog comes when Rey picks up a lightsaber for the first time and kicks Kylo Ren's ass. 

Worse bad guy EVER!  Wait till his mates find out he was beaten by a girl with no training, oh that's right, he's force choked all his mates in hissy fits. 

You can extend your hand but for the record I'm the one holding hands with you little missy. 

As for FN2187, he'll turn on you in a heart beat even after a life time of brain washing and programming. Fucking traitor! He's like the George Washington or Bowe Bergdahl of space. 

He gleefully put the female Captain Plasma into a trash compacter .... because it was the right thing to do. Ha ha ha, lets crush the bitch to death.

 Don't worry, Sargent Electrolyte will revenge her. 

Solo and Leia had a rough relationship in which they argued a lot and Solo kept running off to smuggle shit an stuff. The dialogue and acting between these two veteran actors made Old Knudsen cringe. Could they not have put in some CGI chemistry? I swore they were both having strokes. 

Some twats have complained that 59 year-old Carrie Fisher didn't look as slim and young as the 20 year-old she was in A New Hope in 1977. I'd like to see those people after 39 years of substance abuse. I'd be more concerned that her acting hasn't improved. The Han and Leia scenes looked awkward. I bet Ford shouted, "what's my motivation in this scene?" and his agent replied "$34 million and 2% of the profits."

Character development, nope, Han hasn't changed in 39 years. Being a space smuggler may have been cute when he was young but now it's someone who isn't aging well. Hey Chewy I just noticed your crossbow gun, I like it. Maybe his mind didn't thaw out from the carbonite. 

Saying that I bet not even Luke wants a go at his sister anymore. 

Aren't you a little hard to be a Stormtrooper?

People keep saying Star Wars versus Star Trek but we all know that Star Trek is better. Kirk impregnated a chick and didn't bother to keep in touch and his son turned out to be a genius scientist that came to love and respect his absent father, none of this wearing a mask emo shit, ach we'll just blame Luke for fucking him up. "No I won't touch yer private lightsaber master Luke, it's wrong!"   

  

Captain Kirk died saving millions when he fell off a bridge and broke his hip. Han dies saving no one when he falls off a bridge after being impaled by his hideous looking offspring. There is instant karma was chewy shoots him in the junk for killing his best friend.   

Chewy looked as good as ever by the way, that is what a life time of Ewok flavoured puppy chow and good grooming habits will do for you. 

Ya gotta feel for the Star Wars fan with terminal cancer who got an early showing of the film. He passed on not being able to talk about any spoilers and found out they killed off one of his childhood heroes ... way ta go Disney. 

I suspect there will be sequels with the lower paid original actors still involved. 

 Tupac isn't really dead by the way .... he's just "resting."

Will Han Solo have to hang around with all the other dead losers of Star Wars? Will Leia ever wear the metal bikini again? Will Kylo Ren man the fuck up? Will Finn (FN2187) be called out as a sadistic misogynist? Will Luke fuck up Rey's Jedi training? Will Luke have is 'I'm your father' moment at last? Will Harrison Ford write a book in which his character is brought back to life with Borg technology like Shatner did? .... probably not. Impaled by a chainsaw lightsaber, falling off a high bridge and being exploded into a million pieces is kinda final. At least Captain Picard had something of Kirk to bury.    

If this post has spoiled Star Wars for you then good, George Lucas paid me to write it cos he thinks yer all unappreciative cunts that don't understand his vision.  Take out the cowbell and add moar CGI.   

The Racism Of Star Wars

Obi Wha and his slave army of brown people but in white suits.

Some racists don't like the fact that a main character in the new Star Wars movie is black. The question I ask is 'Is that the film with Chris Pine as Kirk? ' .... then who gives a shit?

While Star Trek is way better than Star Wars for those with more than half a brain who aren't impressed by glowing space swords and idiot comedy side kick aliens and robots I shall permit this shite to be on my blog.
The clone army was made up of clones from Jango Fett to serve as unquestioning slaves for the evil Jedi's but then the Empire freed them and eventually the clones were replaced by birth born enlisted stormtroopers so yay Empire! Emperor Palpatine is like a space Abe Lincoln.  

 Spoiler alert ... it's his Da! Though looking at Leia I'd say that was the space milkman.      

Get yer hed around this load of subtle racism. A big black cock headed like figure that is bigger than all the white cock headed fellas. 

Once you go dark you never go back .... use some force.  

Vader can also dance unlike the Stormtroopers and he can shoot hoops ... Stormtroopers can't shoot anything. 

This big black fella has a white guy inside but speaks like a black dude, he's like the space Rachel Dolezal, "I identify with being black and will crush your throats if you say I'm not." The black guy who is really white is the bad guy too. Sure armed black fellas scare us white folks but what about a 7 foot tall black guy with a laser sword? ... here, take our white weemen just don't hurt us.

We didn't pull you over because you were gold, we don't see droids of colour just droids.  

So you have the black guy with a booming black voice and you have the little white guys with the nasally white guy voice. I bet Stormtroopers get all offended by the droid bigotry they see around the bars.

I'm not a racist kid .... I have a black friend. 

Why do I have a sudden craving for kale, apple juice and country music? 

Yet again they put a powerful young person of colour into their slave army but then he wins his freedom after serving for 12 years .... or something like that, I don't know. 

Now after 38 years they've made a token black person a main character and have an ass kicking female too. Sure they took the stigma out of incest a little which was good.  Star Wars is the Hilary Clinton of movie genres, it can change its old fashioned bigoted ways to suit the modern audience if there is money to be made. 

I suppose it is about time that Star Wars finally caught up with Star Trek, its kick ass token black person is a woman and has been since 1966. 

 

Meme Friday ... On A Thursday

Humans are the most intelligent animals on this planet, yet when they have a problem they ask social media or post it in comment boxes rather than typing it into their search engine. "I keep getting ads, I don't know what to do they are so annoying" it's as if they just got online yesterday.

If you don't know about ad-block plus by now, slap yerself.

Don't give the red shirts names, don't get attached. 

  

The Motion picture was a load of shite and now it turns out that a pedo was captain of the Enterprise for a while the film is totally dead to me.

During the Wraith of Khan they were all allowed to get old and fat .... yay!!!!

In Star Trek 5 Kirk asked God, "Do porn stars really enjoy porn?" and got zapped for it.

 

5 years is a long time, you gotta pull pranks to keep yer sanity. 

Star Trek Space Seed

Captain, sensors indicate a ship off the starboard nacelle, it is an Earth ship from your 20th century. Life signs are weak and the ship is powered down. 

Can't you see I'm busy breaking in a new crew member, must you tell me of every little fucking thing that goes on around here, what do I pay you for? 

Captain here in the 23rd century, we exist in a socialist welfare society where money is not used so you do not pay me at all. I shall put it on screen because I wish to, you are not the boss of me, merely some one who is in charge .... I could snap you like a twig with my superior Vulcan strength.  

Kirk - Well someone is on their Pon Farr. Look at that Spock, it doesn't even look like a space ship, we'll beam over once I spill my space seed all over Lt Dillon's space titties... aaahhhhkkkiiirrrkkkk!!!!!

I can't believe we came over for this, it smells like 20th century space farts, what do you think Bones?

Bones - Definitely egg and onion from the mid 1990's Jim and I think our historian Lieutenant McGivers is getting a little moist at all this historical man meat hence the slight whiff of Thai food. If you smash the glass this one might wake up or die .... it's worth the risk .

Kirk - Excellent Bones, I like to smash things ::::smash!:::::

Bones - Sick bay to bridge, our patient has begun to wake up, his morning space wood is quite impressive.

Kirk - Bones I told you to call it 'The well being room' as sick bay conveys a negative image, I'll be down after I complete these performance reviews, Kirk oooouuutttt!!!!

  
I'm Captain James T Kirk of the USS Enterprise, you've been asleep for 200 years, and you are?

Khan .... just Khan, like Modonna, Cher and Bono. I am an engineer and would like to look at the plans of this ship, specially the life support and weapons systems.

Kirk - Even though I know nothing about you please feel free to study our ship's data base and security protocols, you must have a lot of catching up to do, there were these movies called Twilight, they'll blow yer fuckin mind .... oh oh and check out Breaking bad and Game of Thrones, great titty action in the first couple of seasons and then bleh. 

Kirk - Lieutenant McGivers a word please, your conduct on the landing party was a disgrace, you let your personal feelings of attraction for this man come between you and doing your job. I expect the utmost professionalism from my crew, you've shamed the whole of Star fleet. I don't find you at all attractive and the only reason you are still on board is because those affirmative action goons insist we have a ginger in the crew, gingers on a ship are bad luck .... If you need me I'll be in my quarters with Yeoman Rand, sucking on her ample space norks.
 

Khan - Ah Lieutenant McGivers or should I call you Marla? You want the 20th century man meat I just know you do. You should wear your hair down and I don't like you talking to other men.

I've 200 years of man batter saved up, wouldn't you like to taste some historical jizz? For academic reasons of course.

McGivers - No, no...

Khan - Don't waste my time I'm sure there are plenty of women in the 23rd century who deserve me more. If you want to stay then stay but you have to ask my permission.

McGivers - Can I, please stay?
 

 Khan - Yes you can stay and you are going to help me take over this ship. 
   

 The stunt actors never look anything like the actors, how lame.

But first the sexy time, 200 years, here I KKKHHHAAANNNN!!!!!  

Kirk - It sounds like he's in there playing basket ball or something with Lieutenant McGivers, no doubt catching up on sports. He may be twice as strong as a normal man but Wilson is on his holidays and we lost Philips and Edwards on Rimjob 5, oh and Simmons exploded in the transporter this morning so you are the only red shirt left, stand here with your back to the door and guard Khan, * you'll be grand.*

Yes sir!  

Kirk - Oh and give my congratulations to your wife on the birth of your first child. We'll have you back in Space dock in no time to see them. 

Thank you sir!

Next scene.

Khan - Then I pulled open the door and snapped the guard's neck as a farmer chokes a chicken. You are all fine examples of genetic engineering, we will do president Clinton proud when we take control of the Enterprise and then world after world will fall to us .... Since you women are fit like dancers I'll only give the red outfits to the men and you wear those space thongs. Oh and go make me a space turkey sandwich woman!

 

Spock - Captain we flooded all decks with space gas but Khan remains in engineering, you must go alone to sort him out as I have some things and stuff I'd rather be doing .... You'll be grand.  

Kirk - I'll set my phaser to kill and get him in the back, no problem.

Khan - Got you! .... That was kinda easy.

Khan - Seriously, this was your plan?  Humans have not evolved much in 200 years, I am a far Superior example of Homo sapiens. 
 

Space fight! .... wait a minute, who the fuck are these guys?

Meanwhile in Spock's quarters .... Like I said, things and stuff. I wonder how the captain is doing.
 

Kirk uses his intellect (and a space wrench) to over power Khan.  Kirk - Now I'm the superior homo!  

Kirk - I call this hearing to judge Khan and his crew and Lieutenant McGivers. 20th century people can't help but be anything but savage so I forgive them but will abandon them on a shitty planet, along with the Lieutenant who was definitely bad luck.

Khan - It is better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven, I hope you have a good pair of knee pads bitch.

Kirk - Wouldn't it be interesting to return to this world in 100 years and see what this space seed has sown?

Spock - No, not really captain. 

The crew of the Enterprise didn't bother to check out the solar system they were marooning Khan on and the neighbouring planet, Ceti Alpha VI exploded destroying the ecosystem of  Ceti Alpha V the planet that Khan was living on .... oops.

In 15 years of having a harsh life on Ceti Alpha V Khan turned into an old woman with big knockers. He had soon worn out Lieutenant McGivers who died from asphyxiation during some danger sex. 

For some reason he blamed Kirk for leaving them there and never telling anyone or checking up on them .. ever!

Kirk did think about Khan often and instead of saying his own name when he climaxed he would shout out the name KKKHHHAAANNN!!!!! His therapist believes it has to do with a deeply held belief of inferiority and perhaps guilt at stranding the 74 people on a shitty planet. 


*Irish for you are totally fucked*