Trump Trek

You know what they say about the size of your phaser cannon, so not an issue for me.

In the near future the Earth asks for its best and brightest to be put into cryogenic sleep to be awoken in the future. While some saw this as a trap set by the Democrats Trump shoved them aside and pointed out that he was obviously the best and the brightest as the rest of humanity were slobs and losers. 

President Trump awakes in the 23rd century. No historical records exist about him but his name plaque says '45th President' so they make him a Captain in Starfleet and give him his own command... The USS Clinton.  

  

A Captain has to look good in case any green broads beam in so you have to pick your space hair carefully. I'm already so good looking that it's very difficult to go wrong. I don't like this picture by the way as my auxiliary chin looks like a scrotum. Sad! 

When you are a Captain they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab 'em by the tribble. You can do anything. My crew, beautiful ladies in short skirts love it when I rage snog them. Spock is the only number 1 on board as I don't let anything less than a good 8 serve me. 

There used to be Yeomen on board but on a ship with few restrooms I had to stop them from serving. You don't want a yeoman sharing a restroom with your child am I right? Only guys and dames serve on my ship now.  

I'm not a racist I would so date Uhura, a beautiful beautiful girl. I would only bang her up the Kobayashi Maru though as we don't want a mixing of the genes ... nothing to do with racism though. 

I will make this parallel universe great again

Remember when I switched places with a Trump from a parallel universe? They plotted against each other, tortured prisoners and all had those creepy goatee beards like Gorka had but there were some very fine people there.

 No one noticed that I had been replaced with an evil double for weeks, they couldn't tell the difference, what losers. 

Let the Pliss flow

I still don't drink alcohol it slows down my ninja like reflexes too much. They have this wonder drink called Pliss, you can also wash and bathe in its golden goodness. Many planets have their own brands of Pliss. I like the taste of Pliss on Uranus. Tremendous aroma! 

I do get to wear my medals for neatness which looks impressive, everyone says so. 

Starfleet is all about the work work work. Worse than the White House. I do at least 3 hours a week so I can hardly fit in my any of my shows or several rounds of space golf. 

Having a starship means that I can go anywhere. We replace dilithium crystals more than any other starship but since they are beyond the concept of money in the 23rd century they can hardly complain. I'm still a billionaire though, so wealthy you wouldn't believe it. 

Since we don't use money telling the other planets to pay their fair share to the Federation didn't really go down very well. 

I got to meet the Klingons who probably have great respect for me because I'm a Captain. They appreciated that I shouted like a warrior rather than talked but their women, just look at that face, like Ted Cruz's wife. 

Kirk was weak on space policy but I say why not be friends with the Klingons and the Romulans? It's the Vulcans you have to watch out for. 

I tried to log onto the ship's computer manually as it couldn't understand any of my voice commands, not very advanced! I started to use a touchy screen and then it said, 'are you sure you want a warp core breach yes or no' ... I'm a can do positive person everybody knows this so I hit yes. Luckily Scotty my engineer from England fixed it.

 I fired 3 crewmen for letting me near the screen, what losers! They didn't understand what fired meant, it seems they don't have that in their socialist futuristic glee club either. 

In the 23rd century the media is still fake. They still deal in lies and are not at all interested in my facts of truth and amazement. 

In space no one can hear you scream, FAKE NEWS! I transported a crew member into the bulkhead and he screamed like a little bitch for hours until he died, ruined the finish of the metal.Terrible! 

The USS Clinton ... soon to be renamed is the largest in the fleet and more people and illegal aliens watched her maiden voyage than any other ship. It can also go way faster than warp 9.9 everybody says so. 

The future is safe with Captain Trump at the helm, my phaser is always set to rape stun ... believe me. 

Do You Dream Of Being Cool?

Typical Belfast weemen I met while speed dating, I did each one in less than a minute ... Ka-Chow!

I don't know why the Australians call the British whinging poms, maybe cos they all have convict blood coursing through their veins and are just rude or maybe the Brits do nothing but complain.

When it rains they complain about that, 'it's weather for ducks' when it doesn't rain they complain that they have to water their outside plants.
I told my sister that I'd won £6.4 million on the lottery and she said I'd probably spend it all in year and end up in debt and unhappy with non-stop begging letters and regret at a wasted chance in life.

She is Old Knudsen's older sister and probably more wise and going by rumours definitely more experienced .....  Was she whinging and looking on the dark side or was she being truthful? Ach well I threw me ticket in the bin because I was poor but at least I had family that cared.

Odd that my sis won £6.4 million on the lottery just after that, must be a common amount to win. That was the last I saw of her except for the odd postcard saying, 'you wouldn't like it here otherwise I'd pay for yer flight over' ..... see? she still cares.

Now we've finally got some summer weather the Brits are complaining about that, aye fuck away off to Spain to escape the British heat. The heatwave in Pakistan has killed 1,250 so far, they have the right to complain.

Luckily Old Knudsen who has lived in desert climates and once survived for 40 days and 40 nights in the Judaean Desert trolling some hippy. "Hey hippy! I just made this loaf by rubbing some pee over some rocks, if you are hungry turn the stones to bread .... HA got you again, stoopid hippy."

I was this close to making him jump off a cliff with my constant trolling .... ah good times. Here are some tips to stay cool in the heat.        

FANS: Like duh, go to fucking Tesco and buy a fan ya cheap fucker or pretend you are a maintenance worker in an office and have to put a "safety" plug onto it or it can't be used. Office workers have certain logic fails but adhere to rules and regulations, especially if they don't really have to do anything and hey you'll have it back in 10 minutes they fall for shit like this all the time ....  if you need any office, hospital or school supplies then just let me know.

Fans don't cool rooms down, they cool people down which is why it's no good to not sit in front of it, yes British people have to be told this. I blame the free education, you get wot U pay 4.

Did you know that 70% of Brits believe in God but don't believe in oral hygiene or covering their mouths when they cough? .... True British stat and 84% think the periodic table is when weemen have the painters in.  

Back to staying cool. 

You can rub ice cube over yer body if you want but a cold compress on the neck and around yer wrists will cool you doon a bit. Now Old Knudsen is in the mood to bust a few moves to People of color with an attitude .... but it's too hawt.

 
Easier ways to cool down is go deep sea diving, aye scientists say the earth is heating up but where the fuck are the flying cars and jet packs we should all have now? Scientists can fuck off. Or you could go into space. The reason why astronaut weemen don't really look like Sandra Bullock is that a hot chick with constantly erect nipples from the cold might be distracting.

Is there a doctor in the house or is there a house in a doctor? ... the back door is always open.  

Do not engage in hot, sweaty activities, a bit of handball while standing behind the curtains as you watch the lady next door washing her car is always acceptable. 
  
People see some nice weather and go nuts, hey lets run a half marathon or cycle for 50 miles ... neither is a sensible idea no matter the weather. People that exercise are trying to avoid their issues as a good wank and a shit has been medically proven to keep you healthy, young looking and give you a longer life span.
I knew a guy who ran 5 miles a day, didn't drink or smoke and carefully controlled his diet ... dead at the age of 42.

Yeah I should have watched where I was driving but the police chasing me were distracting with the lights and the noise, I may sue.

Her going to church frock. 

Wear less clothes ..... oh yer a bit body self-conscious because you eat comfort food out of depression and are too lazy to exercise, ok then this is just for the fit beautiful people. Fat people can eat ice cream then and take comfort that the brain is the largest sexual organ ....  nat really much comfort for an ugly fat guy looking for his hole but still.

Don't forget to use social media for its main purpose, to update people on the weather outside yer window because 100 years from now archeologists will re-read yer most interesting posts and really get an idea of what people were like .... If yer reading this from the future let me save you the trouble, people are cunts who raise the worse of them to the very top of the social ladder but the ugly baby pictures are funny though. Does this comment sound familiar, "Yer baby is just soo cute ... lol!" Yes the lol is to make you wonder if I'm lying or not, chances are you'll just give my comment a polite 'like' just in case. All my lols have a double meaning such as 'I don't think yer smart enough to get my humour ... lol!'   

Old Knudsen is hawt yet naturally cool, suck on him like a Popsicle to cool yerself doon, I'm told you get used to the smell of protein rich stale pee. 

I would have mentioned not drinking alcohol but seriously people, is that really an option? Lets cut back on cocaine and hate crimes, fuck aff, what would be the point of living?
Stay cool my peeps and remember, that big ball of fire in the sky will die someday and this post will no longer be needed as an important guide to survival. Use the power of intention and just will the fucker to die ... just like how you do with yer family and friends.