A Tribute To Ian Paisley

It's been a difficult week, first Ian Paisley dying at the young age of 88 (which is code for heil Hitler and he died on the 12th... did the Illuminati kill him?) and now Pope Benedict carking it too. Ian Paisley's legacy has been bandied about in the press as they try to say nice things about him, the Firebrand brimstone minister! which means he was a radical Christian fundamentalist, like calling someone a Hellraiser when in reality he drunks too much, gets into fights and is a bit of a dick.

The self-appointed champion of the loyal Protestant unionists, he was there at the beginning trying to get bridges named after his Protestant hero Edward Carson instead of calling it Queen's bridge ... aye, way too Fenian or was it way too ghey?

In the 50's he formed the loyalist vigilante group Ulster Protestant Action and baited Catholics into riots by attacking peaceful demonstrations.

According to Martin McGuiness the IRA’s Army Council never made an attempt on Paisley's life because he was more valuable alive. Sure the IRA would have thrived but with Paisley and his anti-Catholic hate speech that denied durty Fenians basic human rights, their membership and support soared.

On the other side in 1984 the UFF tried to shoot Gerry Adams but Loyalists are crap at killing and out of 20 shots they hit him three times in the neck, arm and shoulder. Worse than the LAPD. An off duty NCO in the Ulster Defence Regiment and an off duty policeman arrested the three suspects.    

 His favourite road sign was 'No entry' and he loved roundabouts.

Paisley fought a campaign against the legalising of homosexuality with his catchy "Save Ulster from sodomy!" slogan, it was made legal between consenting adults in 1982, we are ever so enlightened in Northern Ireland.

He was also not too fond of other things ..."Line dancing is as sinful as any other type of dancing, with its sexual gestures and touching. It is an incitement to lust" though his wife says that he was a fucking ninja between the sheets... it was as if he had something to prove.  

 Seen here rubbing bats together with his partner Martin McGuinness. 

Did Paisley protest too much about homosexuality? I mean he also said he'd never go into government with Sinn Féin "We are not going into government with Sinn Féin"  .... couldn't be any clearer and "I will never sit down with Gerry Adams... he'd sit with anyone. He'd sit down with the devil. In fact, Adams does sit down with the devil."

 Adams sitting with the devil.

Also "I am not going to sit down with bloodthirsty monsters who have been killing and terrifying my people" So yeah, Paisley probably got a little action on the doon low if you know what I mean .

Holding a big, hard hammer. 

In his last year of life Paisley tried to tell everyone that he was for peace all along and that Catholics were wronged and discriminated against..... um yeah, by you! His recollection grew a bit dodgy when anyone brought up him saying things like "They breed like rabbits and multiply like vermin" when talking about Catholics during a rally in 1969 .... I don't recall saying that. 

Tony Blair and Gerry Adams also have selective memories, it's like political alzheimer's . No one believed the shite that Paisley came out with at the end since this was the man to whom many UVF members devoted their lives to, and were driven to the murder of Catholics in the car of his speeches. 

Get it? driven to ..... ach never mind. 

Just like Adams who has also been called a peacemaker, half the trouble and problems would not have been there for these men to solve if they hadn't have created them. One thing you can say is that they do both get out of the way very quickly when the trouble starts.

So big Ian, for the trouble you've caused Northern Ireland which as been just as bad as what the IRA have done and the hatred you've incited I hope yer afterlife is one that you deserve. 

 

Tom Daley Swims Both Ways

Old Knudsen is happy to report that his gheydar is working perfectly. British diver Tom Daley has gone off the muff diving for a while and has taken up gardening .... up hill gardening.

Gheydar is difficult in the UK as so many males act, speak and dress like flaming homos but claim to not be. Ghey or just English? that is the question. 

Tom Daley seems to be a nice 19 year-old lad and is loved by the population. When he won a bronze medal at the Olympics you would have thought it was a gold the way people were going on about it.
Though some troll did say on Twitter that his dad would be so disappointed in him at only getting a bronze.
His dad died in 2011 of a brain tumour at the age of 40, not an easy thing for a young man to deal with. I'd reckon his dad would be very proud of how hes turned out.

Tom recently admitted on YouTube that hes been dating a man. He says,  "Of course I still fancy girls, but at the moment I've never been happier."

Old Knudsen is quite happy too, always happy to guide a young, firm muscular lad through life .... of course I still fancy gurls er weemen and anything else with a heartbeat as it's totally ghey and quite rude to turn doon sex.

It's hard to find happiness in this world of anger and stupidity but if you find it and it isn't doing anyone any harm you gotta hold onto it by the hips and never let go until yer done. If someone has a problem with that, they can go fuck themselves with a rusty hacksaw.

Never Trust A Well Groomed Man

Its true, I've never got over the fact that Liberace was ghey. All those times in the piano shaped hot-tub tinkling the keys and not once did it occur to me. When I found out years later I begged him to go to the nearest Presbyterian church and be cured with scripture and mild beatings, "Wladziu " I said as we sat on his piano shaped love seat "It can be fixed and then you can like gurls and never ever mention what we did together when I thought we were being naked and macho like the Greeks." Its funny cos his penis was the shape of a trombone .......... so I heard as I don't play that instrument.

Another shock was Stephen Gately from Boyz own. Who will do the high notes now?


Sean Hayes from Will, Grace and Dharma came out of the closet and I thought, "no way, isn't he just Canadian of something ?" I hope he didn't win any awards for acting boy did he have us fooled. I bet Megan Mullally isn't even a fag hag.


Now the shock of all shocks Ricky Martin who had a hit song about 10 years ago just turned ghey, its like Ebola I tell you. Who will be next?


Don't even fucking well consider it.

Maybe if weemen looked better then there wouldn't be so many turning to their own.

I mean some of us really do have it going on and its not our fault we're sex on a stick.


Old Knudsen does have a bet with a famous bookmakers as to the year that Harry Potter will turn ghey. Its a lot of money so I may have to take matters into my own hands but mark my words the lad is ripe.


At least we know that Hugh Jackman the lover of many a show tune will always like the ladies I mean look at him not a ghey bone in his body, *Not at the time when this picture was taken at least*




Old Knudsen is handing in his badge and gun as one of the LAPD's top profilers. Ok I didn't get a badge and a gun (officially) and I was more of a pro-filer who did a bit of photocopying too.



I'll be sticking with the laddies er I mean ladies for now, not the best choice but at least you know what to expect there.................. total unpredictable mood swings and threats of violence.



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Friday Ramble

Hydrogen sulphide is a toxic gas generated by bacteria living in the human gut that is responsible for the delightful odour of flatulence.

The gas is also produced by an enzyme in blood vessels where it relaxes them and lowers blood pressure.

I am in no way shape or form making this up but smelling farts is good for yer health. I've been smelling farts for years now and I can still beat midgets to a pulp with me fists.

Ladies when yer man shoves yer head under the bed covers for a 'Dutch oven' he is saying 'He loves you and wants you to be healthy ' so suck him off to show yer appreciation. You would not believe how many ungrateful hoors who would pull out a razor blade out from their hair and slice you just because you want to lower their blood pressure.

Some people just do not know what is good for them so the next time yer in a lift or an elevator as the idiot Yanks would call it even though it lifts you up and doon and to elevate means to just go up let one rip and make them feel the healing.

Not faith healing as that is a load of bollocks but just remember ladies I am skilled in sensual massage and can bring you to orgasm with a rub of yer lumbar its not cheating on yer spouse if he watches (thats extra) welcome to fart healing, cum breathe in my egg and onion sandwich and not only will yer blood pressure be lowered you'll never have to trim yer nose hair again.


A Japanese plant has entered the Blogoshpere. Midori-san has attachments that measures bio-electric signals and these are converted into data by a computer translated into Japanese in the form of a blog.

It says things like, "It was a cloudy day" and "caterpillars are cunts" thats far more entertaining than some of yer efforts, yes you know who I mean. A Spider plant from London plagiarised it with its post ' It was cold today' for fucks sake I commented on that post and now I just feel used and not in a nice way either.

Did John McCain's brother 'Joe' call 911 to complain about traffic?

Operator: 911 state your emergency
Caller: It's not an emergency but do you know why on one side at the damn drawbridge of 95traffic is stopped for 15 minutes and yet traffic's coming the other way?

Operator: Sir, are you calling 911 to complain about traffic? (pause)
Caller: "(Expletive) you." (caller hangs up)

We older peeps can't keep up with the street urchins and their way of talkin and so get confused between 411 and 911. Don't look at this call as an elitist who thinks he is above the law and that being a McCain he can demand and expect an answer from the common pleb look at this as a lonely confused old man who is a reporter and stage actor who served aboard the USS Enterprise under Captain Kirk during Nam. Fucking sailors and their flared trousers full of semen.

Bob the builder popped a question to Barack Obama about illegal immigrants like Handy Manny taking all the building jobs and what would he do about it. Obama said something vague like change, hope and put them on an island and bomb the fuckers.

It turns out that Bob isn't a real builder and is really a member of The Village People and has an over due library book but who are we to judge?


Handy Manny looks extremely worried but who gives a fuck? Hispanics are crap at voting.


What is wrong with this picture?

Segregation in deep south America a time when black people were given their own drinking fountains but now because of cunts like Martin Luther, Spike Lee and Hugh Grant they now have to share a crowded drinking fountains with whitey. Have we progressed or regressed?

I'll tell you what is wrong with the picture coloured is spelled wrong.


Speaking of which I've done a fair bit travel in my life time. I explored the Nile and went up the Wha-tutsi on several occasions. Now folks want to blame aids on the Brits just because we shagged some African monkey eaters 100 years ago.
I liked the idea that the US government invented aids to kill off queers but really the US government are just so incompetent they can't even get enough flu shots out to the public. Bush never knew about 911 in fact he didn't even know about the dangers of pretzels until it was too late.

I blame the monkeys for being so damned tasty they are the true mastermind behind aids. Save a queer and kill a monkey.


Ellen DeGeneres is a leezer with a totally hot gurlfriend Portia DeRossi. I don't know if Portia is also a leezer but it is a waste if she is.
You can have Anne Heche but give us Portia. Ellen was going on about same sex couples and their influence on kids to make them ghey. She said she grew up with heterosexual parents and was surrounded by straight people all her life but still turned ghey. Good point I say.

Americans are flip floppers always trying to reverse laws on abortion or ghey marriage, now here in Callyfornia there is Prop 8 which is to get rid of ghey marriage in favour of traditional marriage. If the gheys want to suffer the slings and arrows of discontentment otherwise known as marriage I say let them.

C'mon right wingers let the gheys suffer too vote NO on prop 8. Marriage isn't taught in schools so it doesn't effect the kids in fact nothing is taught in schools today.
When I went to school which were the happiest 3 days of my life as you don't see the sky often when doon the pit we were taught the 3 'R's reeding, righting and rithmatic anything else I learned at the school of hard knocks but lube is common sense even for us blessed with the patented self lubricating foreskin .
Remember if you were circumcised that means yer parents hated you so you must be a total git.

For fucks sake is it Friday already I'm outta here its United nations day and time to celebrate.


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Shock Of The Week

No fucking way is Clay ghey. I believe this to be tabloid lies I mean he has a baby, how can you have a baby if you are ghey? Ok God did it to Mary but thats biblical and so doesn't count.


Just look at this perfect example of manliness. I have always wanted to see Ghey Aiken in a cage fight with Michael Jackson, we'd soon see who the real Prince of poop is.



Elton John was another shock I have still not got over I mean he got married to a gurl. Maybe she turned him ghey. You know weemen once they get that ring on yer finger its no more blow jobs and plenty of nagging.


Poor George Michael, I blame the drugs for making him ghey and also the compulsion to stick his lad into another man's shit hole. Go to church George (protestant of course) and learn that yer body is sinful and that sex is wrong unless its for having babies and then its merely something to be tolerated. Get it done and get out.


I went on tour in the 70's with penist Liberace. I was his security and now and again he'd like to toughen me up with a bit of bare chested wrestling but I saw no indication he was ghey. Everyone bunked together back then, it was for warmth and it was a different time.


I met Boy George in a tough, seedy Amsterdam bar called 'The pink tulip' when this rough and ready biker gang in assless chaps came in to cause trouble he backed me up in a bar brawl. We drank until morning celebrating getting the shite kicked out of us and then I said he could bunk doon at my gaff. I got home and must have passed out. In the morning my trousers were around me ankles and Boy was nowhere to be seen. He played a prank on me before he left though, he put a load of lip stick rings around my cock. Ach how I laughed. It must have been difficult to draw them all the way around.

Later he turned ghey, I blame the music business.




Me and Dick Branson pickle are just good friends I swear. Unless me rent is due of course.


At least we have real men like Harry Potter. I bet he has a different woman every night the lucky young cad. Enjoy it while it lasts before you know it you'll be a sad old fucker blogging about yer glory days, you know who I mean, yeah he is a right cunt.


Then there is George Walker Texas Rump Ranger Bush the democratically elected leader of America. Yep that sure was a great choice you Yanks made............... twice. George puts the 'orge' back into the name George as he sits there watching Married with children while some intern he doesn't even know the name of sucks on his love missile. He probably told her he'd make her VP if she swallows. He should get her to wear wee designer glasses so when he blows his Presidential load all over her face it won't get in her eyes.

The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has done a study and has decided that while Perchlorate in the drinking water is bad and may cause serious health problems there is no need to try to remove it.
Bush has sure done a number on them considering its his buddies that do the most polluting.

See? ghey men wouldn't be tough enough to drink water full of rocket fuel, well done EPA under the Bush admin yet another wise decision that goes to make this great cuntry what it is today.



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A Half Blood Prince Is No Use To Man Nor Beast

"I have sometime to tell you, I'm a ghey mong"................ " yer ugly as well and HP is shite"


I knew it all along, Harry Potter is a queer! woops thats a post for another day when he finally cums out of his demonic witches broom closet may he burn in Hell with his Satan overlord.

No lets start off a bit more gently Harry Potter or rather the little boy Daniel Radcliffe who plays him is a mong! yep a tard a Joey Deacon, he rides the window licking bus to ghey central.

You know what that means then? those who have read and enjoyed the books or even the films if that is at all possible are mongs by association .

Radcliffe who is aged 12 but chain smokes to look cool and older suffers from some made up load of bollocks called dyspraxia which sounds like the meds I'm taking to stop my constant painful 4 four long erections, not painful for me I must add.

The condition means he has trouble tying his shoelaces, sounds like a normal teenager to me. Have you seen those adverts on the telly aimed at stupid kids and their idiot parents? The shoe laces cum alive and tangle the child so they can't run or play or buy drugs whatever the young uns do these days. To save the day cums Z-Straps which is Velcro shoes.

A teen can operate a computer or mobile phone but give them a pair of shoe laces or a clock that isn't digital and the are fucked, which reminds me Gary Glitter is being kicked out of Vietnam after serving his time as a pedo, if any of my English readers want to kill him when he gets to the UK just send me his head as proof and I'll send you an 'Old Knudsen' t-shirt. Its cumming up to wash week so sending it to you is as much hassle as washing it, you can see proof of my night sweats on it.

So anyway laces. When I was a commando in WWII if you were unsure of who the person was you'd crawl up behind the soldier and feel his laces, if they were zig zagged he was a German if they were straight across he was a Brit or was it the other way around? anyway I killed my fair share of Yanks and civilians but whose counting we fucking well won?

Dyspraxia can affect any or all areas of development, including intellectual, physical and language, and can impair a person’s normal process of learning.
In other words even if you are a weedy,stuttering, mong who knows fuck all you can still become an actor. Remember that the next time Affleck tells you to vote or Clooney wants you so save some wogs in Africa or Di caprio cries about global warming, I don't see that Gore licking cunt buying me a Hybrid.



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Say NO! To Ghey Marriage

There is an expression: "Its often a man's mouth that breaks his nose" well it was falling off a skateboard that broke my nose, ever since then if my nose takes a hit it bleeds. I don't mind a bit of my own blood but it tends to freak others out. That was when the skateboarding craze hit for the first time in Killamory then there were yo-yo's that that renamed 'Spinners' both fads died and kept coming back just like Smallpox.

Anyway since Arnold Schwarzenegger could become governor of Callyfornia and since he is a Nazi cyborg from the future and not even American then I have a shot at it. I may have a checkered past like the time I shot, JFK, MLK, EMF and MILF but bygones be bygones etc and the sexual harassment cases are pure lies. I did used to be a crackhead and a drug dealer who has been caught with many prostitutes but in politics that is good .

Later on this year Callyfornia is going to review ghey marriage. I have decided to stand against it.

This is wrong and disgusting and no one wants to see this or even think about it.

Yuck yuck yuck!


If my day the word 'ghey' meant happy and you know why? because they were free to have sex with whoever they wanted and had disposable income to spend as they pleased.

Let them remain ghey, in the bible it says only the pure of heart shall know the misery known as marriage, lets keep it to ourselves and they can fuck off and stay happy and ghey.


As for same sex, let them wake up night after a night of exciting sex with different people and never let them know the joy to have sex with the same person for years and years running out of adventurous ideas and watching as they get fat and old.

Partnerships in prison is fine as on long sea voyages but queerdom is just disgusting. When I watch porn I want to see a naked man with a huge erection glistening with sweat penetrating a woman and I want to see his climax face, none of that queer bum banditry or gurl on girl stuff thats just wrong and any type of orgy or three-way is ghey too.

Take away same sex marriage, then take away weemen's votes. It all went wrong with birth control and child support payments. America is like the Roman empire on speed, if it is to last another 100 years then you need me I'll sort it out. The blacks will be sent home to Africa free of charge where they will be happy, no more abortion. The unwanted children will be put into camps and turned into soldiers, health care will be available to all except the fat, old or very sick, all the dangerous criminals will be given box cutters and left to roam free in the middle east. America will be the land of the free once again as soon as I raise taxes.


God created Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve, er actually he did create them too so I'm at a loss therefore what I don't understand must be killed, Arabs I don't understand them either or Welshmen, kill them all and let God sort out the mess.

Look what fun the bloke is having, doesn't this seem so pure and holy as if God himself wanted it? I'm sure the woman is enjoying it too but as long as the man cums then thats God's will.



So wrong and demonic, I refuse to look at her shapely arse.


Then again what business has the fucking government got telling people who they can or cannot marry? This politicking is very difficult.



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Touched By A Dumbledork

Jk Rowling the hack that wrote the Harry Potter books was answering questions from the audience at Carnegie Hall, New York and when one of the audience members said that her books were so ghey she said, "funny you should mention that because Albus Dumbledore, master wizard and Headmaster of Hogwarts is a wand stroking flaming homo ."

Everyone was stunned except the gheys as they think that everyone is ghey anyway.

Well it explains why Harry was made "head boy" and got such good grades, stay tuned for Daniel Radcliffe cumming out of the closet in years to cum, its so obvious, and no I'm not ghey.......... well maybe just a little bit.