They Came In Peace

It may sound corny but a few years back I joined the Foreign Legion to forget. Usually I just go doon to my local British legion club and drink until I forget but after I had forgotten to pay my extremely large bar bill I was kicked out with a dishonourable discharge all doon me trouser leg.

I saw an advert in the magazine 'Le frog weekly' that said join the French Foreign Legion and forget all yer woes in the sun and the sand.

I went to the local French Foreign Legion office and practiced my French, "Bonjour masseur, comma tally voo" oh yeah they were impressed. I told them how I had fought with the French many times before like at Agincourt, Waterloo and the two World Wars. Even though Napoleon was a dirty Corsican I liked the wee gop shite he knew his stuff.

They had stopped listening after the second hour and just signed me up after checking I had a criminal record of course.

After my training in France which was totally unnecessary as I've served more bullets to the enemy than Manuel the waiter has served cold food to customers and more than MJ has served clients and more blows to the head than the drain bamaged Anonymous Boxer has taken etc etc anyway I was and always will be a professional soldier, shape, shine, silhouette and surface see? I haven't lost it.
Oh thats ways to see camouflaged cunts in case you didn't know.

Being in the desert I smoked Camels (the cigarette not the animal) as I heard you could go days without water if you did, it isn't true so I switched to Marlboro.
Something I have never understood about the army is why do they make you walk every where? its not fun and is sore on the old feet.

Look at the poor gurls of the Ukrainian army, forced to march in short skirts and high heels. I just want to hug and comfort the lassies.

The Legion was fun at times, all the sand you could eat and all the wogs you could kill. They don't like the cold steel up them you know.

Just one thing though I can't remember what it is I joined to forget. I bet I wake up at 4 am and say "thats it" and then fall back asleep and forget it.

I was invalided out when I caught Legionnaire's disease and you know what? I always wore a condom.


Civilian life isn't for me. They lock you up when you shoot wogs you know. I was recently in a cuntry which I can't name, lets just call it Pokeistan. I was to negotiate terms for the Zinubian empire of alpha gamma 4 to seek out and capture Obama bin Liden in return for sexual favours from me.
Yes I am quite well known on other planets. I told my commander they could probe me in the ass and mouth but watch me hair and cap as they had just been washed.

Before you know it I've missed 4 hours of my life I'm walking like I'm trying to pass a corn cob and the stupid aliens give us Osama bin laden, for fuck sake we distinctly said Obama, well we apologised and let the lanky fucker go. Fuck some life forms are dumb.

So we headed off to Iran to continue the war of terror against the detergents but had a little trouble finding Baghdad. The travel agents always tell you they all speak English but its a lie.

If you were to join the Legion to forget what would you want to forget?

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