They Came In Peace

It may sound corny but a few years back I joined the Foreign Legion to forget. Usually I just go doon to my local British legion club and drink until I forget but after I had forgotten to pay my extremely large bar bill I was kicked out with a dishonourable discharge all doon me trouser leg.

I saw an advert in the magazine 'Le frog weekly' that said join the French Foreign Legion and forget all yer woes in the sun and the sand.

I went to the local French Foreign Legion office and practiced my French, "Bonjour masseur, comma tally voo" oh yeah they were impressed. I told them how I had fought with the French many times before like at Agincourt, Waterloo and the two World Wars. Even though Napoleon was a dirty Corsican I liked the wee gop shite he knew his stuff.

They had stopped listening after the second hour and just signed me up after checking I had a criminal record of course.

After my training in France which was totally unnecessary as I've served more bullets to the enemy than Manuel the waiter has served cold food to customers and more than MJ has served clients and more blows to the head than the drain bamaged Anonymous Boxer has taken etc etc anyway I was and always will be a professional soldier, shape, shine, silhouette and surface see? I haven't lost it.
Oh thats ways to see camouflaged cunts in case you didn't know.

Being in the desert I smoked Camels (the cigarette not the animal) as I heard you could go days without water if you did, it isn't true so I switched to Marlboro.
Something I have never understood about the army is why do they make you walk every where? its not fun and is sore on the old feet.

Look at the poor gurls of the Ukrainian army, forced to march in short skirts and high heels. I just want to hug and comfort the lassies.

The Legion was fun at times, all the sand you could eat and all the wogs you could kill. They don't like the cold steel up them you know.

Just one thing though I can't remember what it is I joined to forget. I bet I wake up at 4 am and say "thats it" and then fall back asleep and forget it.

I was invalided out when I caught Legionnaire's disease and you know what? I always wore a condom.


Civilian life isn't for me. They lock you up when you shoot wogs you know. I was recently in a cuntry which I can't name, lets just call it Pokeistan. I was to negotiate terms for the Zinubian empire of alpha gamma 4 to seek out and capture Obama bin Liden in return for sexual favours from me.
Yes I am quite well known on other planets. I told my commander they could probe me in the ass and mouth but watch me hair and cap as they had just been washed.

Before you know it I've missed 4 hours of my life I'm walking like I'm trying to pass a corn cob and the stupid aliens give us Osama bin laden, for fuck sake we distinctly said Obama, well we apologised and let the lanky fucker go. Fuck some life forms are dumb.

So we headed off to Iran to continue the war of terror against the detergents but had a little trouble finding Baghdad. The travel agents always tell you they all speak English but its a lie.

If you were to join the Legion to forget what would you want to forget?

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Rum, Sodomy And The Lash

It was thought that Winston Churchill said that British naval tradition consisted of Rum, sodomy and the lash. I'd say that would be true of most navys. Spunk doesn't show up so much on yer liberty whites, those Yanks think of everything.

The Navy are all queer and that's in the bible, I do however like the commercials that make the armed forces look exciting. Fast paced action shots of people jumping out of boats or shouting commands. The film "Top Gun" was a very expensive ad for US navy pilots, short arse cunts can get the tall chicks and save us from the Migs while being "dangerous."

"My rock beats yer Scissors Ice-man, I didn't get my Rock Paper Scissors badge for nothing."

In the UK there were ads with office type yuppie people sitting in a bar and they ask one guy "how was yer week" the man gazes off to flash backs of exciting army life, then a hot woman enters the bar and all the yuppies stare as she goes over to the guy and then you see her in the flash backs dressed in army gear giving commands. I think what the ad was trying to say was, "yer life is boring come and let us tell you what to do and hot military chicks (we called them groundsheets) will want yer cock."

Then there was the ads that has soldiers in a situation like some raghead getting angry with you in some dirty camel fucker lingo so what do you do next? me I'd open fire and teach them to respect the Empire but no, the answer was for the officer to remove his sun glasses to make eye contact as a sign of respect, fuck away off. British army you stone age cunts bow doon.

For fucks sake, can you Palestinians no take a wee joke?

Yer a special forces soldier observing a target, you have rations for 8 days, its now day 13 what do you do? me I'd say, "fuck this for a game of soldiers and go home." Its to see if you are dumb enough to stay in position and starve to death or tramp around like Les Strouds looking for food and giving away yer position and not watch the target.

The Yanks have their "Army of one" slogan, me I'd prefer some backup. I don't think one person can be an army, look it up, " a large organized body of armed personnel trained for war." I'll admit I'm not into book learnin much, I hated school and resented being made to attend in fact I also hated (and still do) being told what to do so idiot me did join the army for numerous years until they tired of me but even I'm not going to fall for that army of one crap, I maybe dumb but I'm not Irish.

After a battle I'd go around the battlefield as the weemen knifed the enemy wounded, you'd get some good stuff off those bodies, thats when I became an arms dealer on the market of colour as we call it.

The reason I took the King's shilling was because of the ad of the day, the English army recruiters would come to yer town and make it all sound exciting and romantic, " Fight for the King and oppress the heathen wog just like God wants you too." Well I was hooked, I joined the 101st Kings own cannon fodder regiment, we wore red coats so the enemy could see us better, that was the polite thing to do.

I was the original inventor of "Duck and cover" and so I moved on to the "Royal suicide fusiliers." Ah happy days, I developed a lot of the field craft the army use today for sniping as I hid in the grass and crawled bravely to safety.

Senator John Kerry, George Washington look 'a' like, liberal anti-war traitor and presidential failure said it best and this should be a commercial "If you don't do well in school and you don't study, you end up in Iraq."

He should also add if yer dumb enough to think the army will put you through college we want to give you a weapon and train you to kill .

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