Monday, 27 July 2015

Kit Harrington Gets Lost In Belfast

So I was standing there, me hands in me pockets just watching all the young gurls in their skinny jeans and low cut tops and I was just thinking about happier times like the extremely satisfying bowel movement I had in 2004, at my age good times are few and far between.

A car stopped and a bloke got out, at first I thought he was a DJ cos he had these big ear phones but the hair and the abs made me soon realise that it was yon fella from Game of Thrones.

He was on the phone and seemed agitated taking puffs from his ciggie and fidgeting as he talked, "I have no bloody idea where I am, GPS? You know I get my left and right confused I shouldn't even be driving after last night, no way am I going to make it to the read at 2 o'clock. I hate it here, it's so dull and everyone is so angry, it's bad for my chi."   

He then saw me gingerly approaching him. 

"I'll ask this old guy, stay on the line he looks crazy I think he might be homeless."

I was thinking furiously in ma hed, Ned Stark, Tony Stark, Dan Snow ... no, it's Jon Snow so I yelled, JON SNOW YOU KNOW NOTHING!

I bet he never gets that. he chuckled politely and took a step back.

"Hello there, can you tell me where I am please? I have to be at the Titanic Quarter for 2 o'clock .... do you speak English?"

Such a lovely accent and the hair, Rachel Dolezal would be so envious. Aye yer no where near there, yon's a peace line which means you are surrounded by people who want to fuck you up for no other reason than boredom ....  watch yerself yon golf ball nearly hit you.

Golf balls and baseball bats are big sellers in Northern Ireland though we don't play those sports.

"I'll pay you if you can tell me which way to go."

Ach it's yer lucky day I know how to get there but I'm shite at giving directions. I find places by trial and error and blind luck, I'll come with you and we'll get you to the Titantic Quarter.

He had to tell the person on the phone that he was in a car with a strange man and to trace his phone if he didn't turn up, he was a nervous young man, I gave him one of me pills to help calm him doon.

After a few more pills and a stop for some ice cream we got to the Cathedral Quarter. After realizing our (really his) mistake we beat off the crowds of hipsters and students and got to the Game of Thrones studio in the Titanic quarter only 2 and a half hours late. 

They were going to have a police search but when they called the police they were told that missing persons was not their job .... our police are very picky about what they do. Since this was Belfast they were then just going to write him out as who knows what had happened to him?

We did get there in time for the party. Since there is fuck all to do in Belfast getting drunk and eating crisp sandwiches is the usual past time. Most of the cast was there, I'm shite with names but ginger, snuffed nose chick, the dragon lady, even Gandalf and Stanis were there.

So much booze and platters of coke it was like the 80's all over again. I found out all about the next season.

The lady in red does a spell and Jon Snow morphs with his big dog Ghost and becomes like a werewolf . Stanis comes back to life as a white walker and has a satisfying career in childcare. The big tall chick reveals she was born with both male and female genitals and cuts her dick off and gives it to Theon who has fallen in love with Sansa but she doesn't like him .... in fact she doesn't like anything and re-dyes her hair black and goes full on Emo. 

Khaleesi joins up with yon barbarian tribe and infects them with her liberal wishy washy ideas and before they know it they are all into human rights and sword control. Since she is now famous she still doesn't get her baps out .... in real life that is another matter. Yeah yeah yeah I'll snort a line off yer norks if it shuts you the fuck up. 

To think, Seth MacFarlane tapped that, that's almost as bad as Sean Penn tapping Scarlett Johansson. Luckily Old Knudsen can departmentalize and get on with the job ... unless it's door handles, ach the germs. I'd never let a door handle do reverse cowgurl on me.

Arya who is now blind has to learn to be no one without vision. Since she is now 18 her character will often forget to tie up her blouse and will learn to love it doggy style but will not know who did it ..... aye like a party at Bill Cosby's hoose.  She ends up killing all the main characters because well she can't exactly see who she is swinging at.  Fat Sam still somehow manages to live though.

Gandalf will defeat the white walkers and since he is a beloved character he'll die pointlessly afterwards, probably slipping in the bath. 

Peter Dinklage is leaving after this season for fear of being typecast, he'll be replaced by Henry Cavill who will be available then after the Superman movie flops. You can see Dinklage in the Hobbit stage show directed by Kevin Spacey ... Dinklage IS Bilbo.

Tyrion will become powerful when he trolls everyone in harshly worded letters while drunk and Roose Bolton will be reduced to tears and will give up the north. Ramsay goes into therapy and discovers that it's everyone else who is fucked in the head, not him.

I didn't know that the guy who plays Jamie Lannister actually had his hand removed for the role, he gets it put back on after every season. He doesn't mind the nerve damage if it means an honest performance .. what a guy. 

So yeah, pretty much what everyone has been expecting. Jon Snow is indeed in Belfast and doesn't mind that I liked his half brother Robb better. Soon you'll be seeing more of the cast up the duff and using body doubles to hide it ... Knudsen is cumming.  

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