Deadly Gull Attack Is Fatal

Death from above is what children scream when the gulls attack in every seaside town across the UK as Sea Gulls lay siege to towns favoured by hundreds tourists unaware of the flying menace.

In a statement from Downing street Home Secretary Theresa May said, "The Gull threat is the single most important danger to the UK next to radical Islamic extremists and Ebola spreading immigrants." 

She continued. 

"In line with recent budget cuts we are permitting the public to harvest the gulls as they would with fish when going fishing , this supplement to the dietary needs of many will help Britons to be strong and healthy and cut down on their shopping bills. Anyone can purchase a gull harvesting kit and a gull license for £5 which is free to senior citizens." 

One woman was attacked while walking her dog, she had actually been out trying to harvest gulls with her government approved kit of boomerang and sling shot but soon found out how fast they can be.  "I'll have to get more practice if I want to eat " she said as she stoically laughed off her dripping gash. 

This is a great idea! Times have been hard for old people in the UK as rationing from WWII only ended in the 80's and culturally we tend to send old people to a rest home to die and to be made into glue but those without anything of value and without families have had to rely on cats and cat food to give them protein and vitamins as meat is so expensive.

Why do old people eat cat food? For years we were told it was because it was cheap but no, old people just love that shit and it's tasty as fuck. Having loads of cats means that you can buy cat food and it looks like yer getting it for the cats and you can roast a few kitties when you have too many and who'll notice? 

Eating gulls gives the old and the poor a more varied diet and a sense that they are contributing to society.   

Downing street has yet to comment about ISIS radicalizing the gulls and how to tell if a gull is halal or not and does harvesting a black headed gull count as a racist crime? .... why does Downing street never reply to me?