Born Free And Die Hard

Aren't lions big an cute and cuddly?  They're just big kitties and who doesn't like kitties? Cats aren't as bad as Lemurs, I mean they still judge you and look down on you but at least they don't have those big lemur eyes that rip into yer soul and wake you from yer sleep screaming and stabbing the person lying next to you.

If Oscar Pistorius has said that he feared lemurs were in the bathroom taking a dump rather than saying a turd burglar he would have gotten away with shooting his gurlfriend. 

Back to lions, you have crazy cats ladies but never crazy lion ladies. You used to get crazy lion ghey magicians but that didn't end too well. Lions are big and do what all domestic cats wish they could do, eat whatever/whoever the fuck they want. 

When yer cat brings you in a dead critter it isn't showing you what a great hunter it is or showing you respect, it's more like a 'this would be you if I was bigger' kind of thing.   

A 20 year-old man thought .... well we aren't quite sure what he thought. When Old Knudsen was 20 he was thinking about sex and trying to not let the constant rejections effect his chronic masturbation ... aye not much has changed. 

Can you feel the love tonight?  

 
Franco Luis Ferrada Roman stripped off and jumped into the Santiago zoo in Chile. It must have been Chile cos his willy was very small .... Ka-Chow! .... Boom! .... Drops Mike .... knocks his teeth out .... Mike sues.

Gun laws in Chile are quite restrictive and guns can cost up to 3 times the amount you'd pay in the US. Lions are cheaper and cuddly. The police in Chile mustn't be willing to shoot you as much as US cops are so lions it is.  
In Northern Ireland the police need to fill out a form in triplicate before they even draw their firearm, Americans don't know how lucky they are. If suicide by cop was a thing here I'd be drugging people and taping a toy gun to their hand just for laughs .... well I'd laugh.

Ever go to Belfast zoo? You'd be lucky to even see a lion never mind being eaten by one. Northern Ireland people being so bitter even the predators avoid them. 

So this naked bloke jumps in and starts shouting things about Jesus ... I don't know if one of the lions were named Jesus or if he was trying to do a Daniel in the lion's den thing .... it's a fucken book, a werk of fiction. Bet he couldn't part a fucken sea either.

Fucken religious people, mental as fuck. You don't see people jumping out of planes thinking they can play Quidditch, that would be bloody crazy. 

Well the story had a happy ending ... ish. Franco got his lion cuddle and lived, he's in critical condition but smiling cos they are soooo squee! 

Oh yer such a fluffy cutie, oh yes you are. 

The lions were shot dead though cos you can't go around eating God botherers, Chile has strict laws against that sort of thing. Lets all remember Franco in our prayers so he has a speedy recovery. Maybe the zoo will issue an apology and give him a season pass or something. Why you'd want to go to a zoo that doesn't even have lions now is beyond me though.    
 

Deadly Gull Attack Is Fatal

Death from above is what children scream when the gulls attack in every seaside town across the UK as Sea Gulls lay siege to towns favoured by hundreds tourists unaware of the flying menace.

In a statement from Downing street Home Secretary Theresa May said, "The Gull threat is the single most important danger to the UK next to radical Islamic extremists and Ebola spreading immigrants." 

She continued. 

"In line with recent budget cuts we are permitting the public to harvest the gulls as they would with fish when going fishing , this supplement to the dietary needs of many will help Britons to be strong and healthy and cut down on their shopping bills. Anyone can purchase a gull harvesting kit and a gull license for £5 which is free to senior citizens." 

One woman was attacked while walking her dog, she had actually been out trying to harvest gulls with her government approved kit of boomerang and sling shot but soon found out how fast they can be.  "I'll have to get more practice if I want to eat " she said as she stoically laughed off her dripping gash. 

This is a great idea! Times have been hard for old people in the UK as rationing from WWII only ended in the 80's and culturally we tend to send old people to a rest home to die and to be made into glue but those without anything of value and without families have had to rely on cats and cat food to give them protein and vitamins as meat is so expensive.

Why do old people eat cat food? For years we were told it was because it was cheap but no, old people just love that shit and it's tasty as fuck. Having loads of cats means that you can buy cat food and it looks like yer getting it for the cats and you can roast a few kitties when you have too many and who'll notice? 

Eating gulls gives the old and the poor a more varied diet and a sense that they are contributing to society.   

Downing street has yet to comment about ISIS radicalizing the gulls and how to tell if a gull is halal or not and does harvesting a black headed gull count as a racist crime? .... why does Downing street never reply to me?