Ban Women From Beaches.

An Islamic court in Somalia has banned weemen from swimming at one of their main beaches. The beach is one that families usually go to at the weekends and that's the reason they give for the ban.
Rightly so, I don't want to go to a beach and see a load of weemen in wet clingy swim suits bouncing around having fun, no wait a minute I do.
These peace loving Islamists have also banned movie viewing and broke up a wedding celebration because there was a band and men and weemen were socialising together.

Ok ballbags, being in the closet is one thing and hating women under the guise of religion because you have been turned down by so many and the ones that did say yes laughed at your tiny willy is another thing, there is no excuse for being an arsehole, you lads are being sent to the Wanker's gallery, now let that be a lesson.

I was talking to jesus, ( no I'm not crazy Vicars do it all the time) anyway he was sitting on my sofa wearing his sky blue tracksuit and thick gold chains, yes the son of god is also a man of style. He told me that if you weren't a Presbyterian Christian you're wrong and you'll burn in hell, well I was shocked, " what about all those people that think they are in the right religion ? can we save them?" Jesus took a sip from his can of Bavaria (a weak but reasonably priced lager) "fuck them, if they are dumb enough to believe that shit who needs them? besides Heaven is a gated community, we have to be careful who we let in."
My eyes were well opened, soon they were watering, Jesus went to my bathroom and took a massive dump then said his goodbyes, he was going to his new girlfriend's house and didn't want to crap there as they were in the about to go all the way polite part of the relationship.


The picture is of a poor girl that has collapsed on the beach due to having been oppressed.

The Queen's English.

Old Knudsen writes the way he wants to but due to the tremendous rise in popularity in the colonies I now have to explain some of the words and phrases I use, so try to keep up, there will be a test later, I know what these words mean in American, heres what they really mean to the civilized world.

Firstly Bitter Balls, nothing to do with my nads, it denotes a person that will keep a grudge or hatred fresh and alive as if it just happened yesterday.

'Catch yourself on' and 'wise up' both mean don't be so stupid.

'Go for your tea' = to fall over, I was walking down the street and I went for my tea.

'Drinking as in Drunk' its always about alcohol, alcohol is life.

'Hit and Miss' = piss
'Taking the piss/taking the Mickey' = to make fun of someone or taking something too far.
I took the piss out of my friend for saying something stupid.
One hour before finishing work my boss gave me a load of extra work, that was really taking the piss.
Piss = urine, ' I pissed' is past tense.
Piss take = to make fun off
I was pissed = I was drunk
I was pissed off = I was angry
Being pissed = still means drunk my friend
On the piss = out on the town drinking, out on the tear.
Pisshead = a useless person

Fanny = vagina, blurt or Cunt
Fanny pad = what women wear in their knickers on their period or when the painters are in, or during ragweek or when they get a visitor from America.
Fanny pack = means beat me up I'm a tourist, its called a bum bag.

Gunties = knickers

A full stop = what Yanks call a period in punctuation.
Old Knudsen thinks punctuation is for the weak.

Lad/todger = penis
Chips = french fries
Crisps = chips
Braces = suspenders or the things that people with goofy teeth put onto their teeth to straighten them, a retainer is a servant.
Suspenders = part of sexy lingerie
Trousers = pants
Pants = knickers
Jumper = sweater
Football = soccer
American football = a gay American version of Rugby for players afraid to get hurt.
Petrol = gas
Gas = what makes you fart
Gift = someone that is easily fooled or very gullible.

Now for the test.

#1 Martha Stewart was the wife of A. George Washington or B. James Stewart?.

#2 On the TV show Captain Pugwash there was a character called Roger the cabin boy, true or false?.
#3 What is your Bank account number?.

#4 Spotted dick effects which part of the body?.

#5 What is your social security number?.

#6 In what year was the War of 1812 fought?.

#7 Cheese is to cheese grater as my penis is to what?.

#8 Will these questions ever stop?.

#9 Where has the love gone?.

#10 Name the state to the south of North Dakota.

Whats For Dinner?

Paul McCartney and Heather Mills are going through a wee divorce at the moment, a real shame, I thought those kids would of made it.
Divorce is quite shite at the best of times but when every word is reported and blown up out of proportion by the press and also theres 60 million quid at stake its obviously worse than for us mere mortals, ah poor wee rich people.
There is no such thing as a friendly divorce, Heather has filed court papers stating that Paul violently abused her and used illegal drugs, Paul has a shit fit if he sees a doggie in a cage about to be chop sueyed hes soft as shite, no way do I believe he would even try to take on a one legged woman, of course I totally believe the drugs, those banjo players are always on the pot, lay off him Heather hes an old fella, for years people have called him ever youthful or likened him to Peter Pan (a bit of a fairy that won't grow up? no young looking) and then to one day wake up and find you are a dead ringer for Fergie (Duchess of York toe sucker extraordinaire, not the Black eyed peas girl) with droopy oldman Roger Moore tities . Anyway it was Lennon that wrote the not so shite songs, Paul wrote the fluffy stuff.
Heather is a fit looking bird, like Old Knudsen she lost her leg while hunting the great white Panda Yogi Dick , no wait she lost hers in a car accident.
Paul countered the claims of abuse and drugs by saying Heather drank too much as she was legless a lot of the time, ha ha ha sorry just a bit of cripple humour.
Both Paul and Heather are well into charity and animal rights, very commendable, though they sometimes sound like a cross between P.E.T.A. and Scientology with their enthusiasm.

Heres what Old Knudsen believes are animal's rights .
They have the right to remain silent and let me eat them, if they give up that right I will cook and baste them with enough heat deemed appropriate.

We need to eat animals, until the scientists come up with a Soilent Green substitute , fruit and veg is for the weemen , children and weirdos, (you know who you are) I keep my valuables in the vegetable drawer in my fridge, its not like anyone around here will look in there for a healthy carrot, not that there is any. Smell my fart, that's pure protein, bodybuilders could bulk up muscle mass on my emissions alone.

The cows are all mad, the chickens have the flu, the fish are dying but at least we still have the pig, well the Jews don't but do I look like I care ? God was good enough to make pigs, they should be polite enough to eat them, but with only the pig we are in trouble my friend, the answer? McCartney won't like it, Dogs and cats, you just have to get over that soft western approach to animals, Johnny cuff link has no trouble eating fido and muffin, you would too if you were hungry enough, if you say you wouldn't then you haven't been there yet.

An expression not used anymore to express hunger is, "I could eat a Scabby Skunk".

The animal rights people will protest no matter what you do, trying to force people to give up meat and become vegetarians is like trying to convert them to Jehovah Witnesses, the Vegans being more crazy through lack of food don't mind cutting the head of a cute leafy lettuce but if you choke yer chicken they go nuts.
I had a Vegan as a pet once, messy creatures, his name was Spud, he lived up a tree in my back garden, I had him thinking they were going to tear it down to build a road, we had a good arrangement I'd toss him a salad (with real toss as a wee joke) and supply him with a Readers Digest every month from that place that gives out free books, Library is it called? he'd protest in the tree, hug it sing wee chants and rub his wood lovingly, oh I also had his *Dole cheque* sent to my hoose, what a nice trusting young man, its a shame it ended in tragedy, during that week on Big Brother when Kinga stuck that bottle up her vadge I neglected to feed poor wee Spud, I still think hes up there still with his leg chained to the tree, luckily its an evergreen, when people asked me what that smell was I'd tell them theres a lot of Travelers (gypsies) around town, dirty people, Slavs you know.
I send my Grandson Gavin to the S.S. office (social security) to sign on as Spud, so it all worked out well in the end.
So anyway, look after the animals before you humanely kill them, would that be an oxymoron, you know like Military Intelligence? Pat the doggies on the head and give the cats some yarn before you off them.
Don't go taking the seals out clubbing, no wonder people fucking complain, even that McGyver bloke whined about it, fuck the children abducted and forced to serve as soldiers in the Congo, seals are getting killed.
I don't know what some people are thinking these days they also complain when murderers and rapists in prison are executed, who cares if he killed a load of folks, he made pop up books he must be a nice guy, those bleeding hearts have turned the word Liberal into an insult word, let them pay for their room ,board and security if they like them so much, I see executions as a means to cure overcrowding in prisons and get rid of the wrong uns, I remember the days when prisoners only got food if their family brought it to them.

Listen to Gandhi when he said, "kill or be killed" those doggies would feast off your eyeballs given half the chance, well except for GreyFrairs Bobby, God bless his little heart, its either them or us.

Meat is not Murder
Murder ---- the unlawful and malicious or premditated killing of a person.

Old Knudsen will stand up fpr Plant Rights, and if I ever see that Woody Harleson in his hemp suit I will throw manure at him.



*for those that don't speak the Queen's fucking English, Dole Cheque = unemployment benefit.*

Don't Mention The War

The Germans complain that the British are still bitter about World war 2 and that we should move on as they have, and to get over it. Well, if I thought I was a part of the master race (I'm not, I'm one of god's chosen people, the Scots) and if I got my ass handed to me on a plate by a load of Yanks and brits well I wouldn't mentioned it too often either, heres the facts, we won, nah nah nah nah nah, if you don't like those Apples then stop starting wars.
Britain was a small overstretched nation back then, we were doing honest Imperialism, we didn't go under the guise of freedom or oil, we firmly believed that the world should all be British, or at least British servants.

In 1940 we were on the verge of losing not just a war or a battle but everything, the Germans stood across the channel waving their sausages at us, a mere 20 mile stretch of water keeping them at bay, it was a scary time for us, I can't tell you how many times I bravely changed sides until I knew who was going to win.

The usual banter between the Yanks and the British is.
Man with a cowboy hat on says," if it wasn't for us you all would be speaking German"

Man with a bowler hat on says, " if it wasn't for yourselves you'd be civilized, shouldn't have kicked us out old fellow, cup of tea?"

Man with a cowboy hat on," you damn Limey fag I want a cup of coffee, and in an American cup, back in the states cups can hold 10 gallons just like our hats".

Man with a bowler hat on, " sorry no fags old chap, I only smoke a pipe, lucky your hats hold so much, having such big heads and all".

Man with a cowboy hat on , not sure if he was insulted or not as big is very important in the States, "damn straight partner".

Remember when France opposed the war in Iraq and everyone in America became French haters, renaming french fries Freedom fries and pouring out perfectly good french wine, well not only did it show how stupid they were at wasting good booze but it also showed you how convenient their memories are, the French are after all the reason why the Americans were able to Beat the British in the first place to gain their independence , if it wasn't for the French you'd all be speaking English.

I never hear Russians say how if it wasn't for them sending millions of their bullet catching warm bodies at the Germans we'd all be speaking German, I guess it must be an American charm and humility thing, the Americans did send vast amounts of people weapons and equipment into the war, rationing hardly effected those in the states, hmmph! must of been nice.

Those were the days, you'd go all out to win a war, not try to be polite or P.C. and you don't count the death toll by the body, theres this thing called morale, FDR suspended many liberties and took quite a few, you need laws and you can't please everyone.

Though Winston Churchill was half American and to me was one of the greatest war mongers, er leaders of our time, he didn't take any crap, it was his way or the highway, one of Old Knudsen's all time heroes, though in person he could be a little too American if you know what I mean, no not Meth and Anal sex, I mean arrogant.

Yes if it wasn't for the Americans begrudgingly getting involved in world affairs, (they never like to meddle) we would of ended up speaking German, and then when Europe had been renamed 'Gerope' South America would be next and I don't think they would have minded too much, that Polka music is just a short goosestep towards nazism and you too would be speaking German in not too long a time.

I just want to thank my American readers for saving us from the Hun and doing the right thing, of course if you personally didn't help out please ignore my thanks, those brave men and women that did, don't rub it in as no one likes a Braggart, well unless its me.




The picture is of Winston Churchill observing one of the Ravens from the Tower of London, as long as there are ravens in the tower Britain shall never fall.

don't shoot til you see the ginger of their pubes

Old Knudsen being a creature of impulse and raw emotion cannot let another moment go by without telling you Click next bloggers about this fella he hates with all the passion and fury at his disposal, this wee shite (on the right) comes on everytime I check my Yahoo mail, they had me on the Beta blockers or something and that took forever to load up, that wee ginger cunt just bounced on a green testicle for 5 mins as I stared at his wobbling head, wishing for it to fall off, so I came off beta, as Beta is to be mocked in all its forms now I'm back on Yahoo VHS which is faster but not so flashy and this wee blurt keeps poping out and waving to me, I don't want your beta, take the hint, I think the main reason I hate him so is because he reminds me of Chris Evans, (on the left) another wee ginger nut that needs to be bleached and destroyed.

Revelations.

Many people may suspect this but Old Knudsen is being kept alive by the power of voodoo and the application of strong spirits yes Whisky not ghosties and ghoulies and longlegged beasties unless of course you mean Charlize Theron, oh that one night with her, I was fucking brilliant, I was too busy watching myself in the mirror to hit record on me camcorder, now that gurl has legs all the way up to her arse but Old Knudsen doesn't kiss and tell, e-mail me and I'll sell you an exclusive story.
Where does this voodoo stand with Old Knudsen's strict Presbyterian beliefs? well I asked Jesus for help, he kinda shrugged and said,"I'm a carpenter if you wanted a coffee table no probs", fucking sandal wearing long haired hippy, so then I ended up with the Voodoo god Dambolla, I have to make the odd sacrifice and bathe in the blood of young runaways to stay as young and handsome as I am, a little price to pay.

Well I got this letter from a Psychic the other day, I can't remember contacting one in the first place so that's incredible, or it was that night I was really pissed, and passed out while I was surfing the interweb, if I e-mailed you its all rubbish and I'm not into that.
It was from Ms Ibis, definitely not a Scottish name (like Knudsen is?) heres how it started.

Sweet Jesus Soren
Your troubles cause me great pain and anguish.
You have such a sharp mind and so much inner beauty. Your problems are not only unfair, they are crimes against God. I'll solve your problems or live in eternal shame.

She knows me so well, its like she looked into my life, you fuckers never say anything nice like that.
It seems that on 2nd November Old Knudsen is proper screwed, I must get under her protection to avert disaster, real danger, behind this is an evil force, extremely powerful and heinous, who can it be? Foot Eater the body stuffer? -no- Dr Maroon the more famous and less crazy jock? -no- Sammy the crazed firebombing shirt-lifter? could be.
I am really worried, how can she know something is going to get me unless she really is psychic? she seemed to be really interested in helping me and even called me her friend.
Ms Ibis if that really is her name (fuck I hate fakes) put a 'Fiery wall of Protection' around me and Archangel Michael and his 6 mates will help out also, all I have to do is say a prayer on a card and return it with £42.00 to help with the cost of supernatural intervention, and she will say a prayer on the 2nd Nov to fortify the spell, she sent me a list of candles and oils she used and other ingredients,I remember back in the day all you had to do is kill a small dragon and its heart would aid you in all your magical needs, now its expensive, she even knew I'd need an envelope to send it in (must of forgotten the stamp) I can't risk the evil getting me on the 2nd, she said she'd perform a miracle for me on the 17th November well I'm getting my money sent off right away so I get my miracle, if I don't make it through the 2nd Nov, I just want you all to know, you're a fucking pack O'Hoors.

Keeling Time.

You may of heard in the news about the journalist Anna Politkovskaya being assassinated by a Russian Hitman, these guns for hire aren't new, they have killed several high profile people over the past few years and are the current epidemic to hit Russia since David Hasslehoff and his car with the fruity voice defeated the communists .
These Killers or Keelers as they are called in Russia come from out of work KGB or other military, which means they are bad bastards,even the lowest of the soldiers and the least trained in combat, cooks, still tough as fuck, Russian army cooks don't use oven mitts, oven mitts are for the weak pussy westerners, as is washing their hands, no offense if any ex army cooks are reading, ah fuck yous , I bet you didn't eat your own cooking, they put stuff in the tea you know so you don't get stiffies. On a side note, before these gourmet rations that you just add water too and you have a Christmas dinner in a packet, we had cans of pate with crackers and mystery meat cans of stew, these were designed to bung you up so you'd only shit once a week, this means more fighting men at the ready, sneaky cunts,I pity the special forces who have to shit into bags and carry it with them so the enemy can't stick their finger in it and say, "2 hours old, tastes like *chips*, must be British SAS, they went that way" .

Old Knudsen's (remember me?) career as a bodyguard literally went up in smoke, it just didn't pan out for me, all politics, so in the early 80's I enrolled in a 'Keeler for hire' course down in Somerset, lovely country, plenty of sun too. It was run by an ex KGB assassin named Mikhail, he was a wiry wee shite but solid, ugly as fuck with an expression as if he was about to fall asleep or always drunk, a keeler's lust for keeling is only matched by his lust for strong foul smelling cigarettes, he seemed to always have a lit one in his mouth at all times, even when he took his respirator (gas mask) off after being in a room full of CS gas a lit cigarette would still be in his gob, I once asked if he ever felt like stopping, he flew into a rage and screamed, "I'm not a weak quitter I never give up, quitting is for losers " , after that I didn't really engage in small talk anymore.
What did I learn at my camp for Keelers?
I learnt to size up every room I enter, where the exits are, is there any alcohol, and who is more likely to buy a round and who is not, those that do not return the favour of round buying are subhuman scum and should be squashed.
I learnt that a true Keeler doesn't use mixers, and can get his hole anywhere from anything with his Keeler charm, I learned what parts of my body could be used as weapons, for instance if your leg gets blown off it then makes an excellent club, Mikhail taught me that only the weak pass out through lack of blood, I think he may be right.
During that rugged tough 3 day course I put my body through things I never thought I could, I stood in line at Tescos and never once complained about only two cashiers open during lunch time, I smiled and listened as a Jehovah Witness and his lurker Witness told me about their religion and only gave positive polite replies, my mind was becoming disciplined, my body had become rock hard from all the coughing I was doing from Mikhail's smoking, I was a trained Keeler.
Not everyone passed, we lost some good men on the explosives part of the course, and some good fingers (fingers, a good weapon for throwing if nails are long) thankfully bullets are expensive and we only got three each, but one bullet was all Sweaty Bert needed, I told him to wipe off his hands before he loaded his weapon, no one listens to Old Knudsen and those that do usually regret it.
I got a certificate and a t-shirt, and I was a disciplined buff Keeling machine, who would employ me?, let me think the Argies needed some help after getting their arses kicked during the Falkland Conflict, that's what happens when you let ex Nazis train your army, Iran as usual were the bad guys but those crazy fuckers have no Keeling pride, 'he that Keels and runs away lives to Keel another day' you don't blow yourself up (on purpose) how stupid would you have to be? that's a rhetorical question so don't bother, the Yanks are always stirring shit and shooting people, nah I'm not working for those bastards after they embarrassed me with the whole Kennedy thing, LBJ you wanker, they could of let me in on it.
I found myself working for a large company, Tescos, stacking shelves, well it was a start.



*For those that don't speak English, Chips = French Fries, Freedom Fries to you Bitter Balls*

No Need To Get Cross.

A heathrow Airport employee is going to sue British Airways for religious discrimination because while at work her cross necklace showed and she was asked to cover it up as per the uniform policy.

Miss Eweida refused to do this as it was a symbol of her faith.

See whats happening here? Britain is getting more like America everyday, fat pushy people that go around looking for lawsuits, no offense to my to my brash, obese Yank readers but its true, I don't want to get into a fight over someone spilling my pint only to have their lawyer serve me with papers afterwards, where is the dignity in that? the rules have always been whoever loses the least body parts (teeth, earlobes, tuffs of hair etc) and the least blood wins, no special weapons allowed just whats around, its not an uncivilized brawl its an art form with ingenuity and guile that's the honourable way, and both parties retain their respect, my old Ma was a local bare knuckle champion for 8 years straight, me Da was into all that Brazilian dance fighting shit, Capoeira, usually when he was *pissed* so he didn't come off too good, when he got home me Ma would kick the shit out of him for losing, " fight like a man" she'd say as she gives him a right hook to the chin, "this is how to kick" as she boots him in the ribs, ah my parents were indeed soulmates, the cups of hot tea thrown in faces, the slaps on the back of the head, nowadays some wishy washy liberals would call that abuse but back then it was affection.
Back to Miss Eweida, my only consolation is that she is from an Egyptian background and goes to both Arab and Pentecostal churches, put all this together and you have a trouble maker, so Miss Eweida, your faith is stronger when your 'e showing it off to other people? putting it under your clothes as you've done for the past 7 years is no longer good enough, Heathrow is a fucking busy place, you work at the check-in seeing thousands of people a day of different faiths, what is this like gang colours or something? let me paraphrase the very first Protestant Jesus H Christ.

" Go forth my children and be strong in your faith, remember its not whats around your neck that counts, its whats in your heart so be humble and don't be a dick, especially you crazy Pentecostal cunts, here listen as I talk in tongues out of my arse" .

That my friend is in the Bible, (somewhere at the back)

There are double standards, as Turbans that cannot be concealed are allowed to be worn, heres what Old Knudsen advises, zero tolerance for religious nuts, if you accept a job with uniform dress codes then abide by it, if you can't then leave, as I have said before, leave religion out of the workplace unless you're the Pope or something.
Did you hear about all those prisoners years back that invented their own religions to get perks, "its my religion to have green jello everynight, oh I worship at the altar of the porno mag " and they got away with a lot of it because you can't go around refusing rights, it smacks of Communism or Fascism.
I know your game Miss Eweida look at your plump worried face that plays the victim so well, I hope your case gets thrown out of court, for if you win then you'll have people serving you at McDonald's wearing Swastikas and claiming to be Odinists,"sorry I can't serve black people, browns, jews or any other colour but white, its against my religion, have a nice day, please call again".




*For those who don't speak English, Pissed = drunk*

Beer And Boak.

Here is a story I remembered when I read a beer and boak post at Kav's Blog.

Years back when I was working for a company that made Snuff videos, well we prefer to call them promotional videos for Snuff products, it's an old habit but its still out there. We had had a good year with sales and our Boss who was usually a tight fisted git took his employees out to dinner at a, well I don't know, Chinese or Thai or something, I don't know, I went for the free food and drink not the fucking culture.
We sat down at a large table the food kept coming and so did the wine, wine? no Sammy I'm not gay, it was free and gets you drunk so I drank it, a lot of it.
Red is far worse than white but as that was all on offer so I bravely soldiered on.
I burned my hand on some sizzling hot plate they had, bloody dangerous, no one spoke enough drunken English to understand I wanted Ice.
We all piled out the door, and I felt someone yank my coat back, so I turned round and hit em,(like you do) thus ensued a drunken fight on the ground outside the place, it turned out that my coat got caught on the door handle but it was all fun.

To our surprise our Boss took us to another bar, I was only in there less than 10 minutes before the bouncers threw me out, I had a little trouble with my vertical balance it seems, I thought I was fine, falling over people seemed the right thing to do at the time, my boss phoned for a taxi, now I never take those things walking is better, I have a homing device in my head and no matter how blocked I am I always get home, 98% of the time.

I don't remember too much about the taxi ride, I believe I threw up in the cab and jumped out and walked the rest of the way home, I know this as there was an angry taxi driver at my work place the next day, no sense of humour those guys.

Well I did get home, I was greeted at my door by my two doggies I had then I petted them and fed them, well I petted them and threw up yet again all over my hall and the good wee animals lapped it up, my then wife appeared like a vision of doom at the top of the stairs and said I had better clean it up, I gestured to the dogs that were doing a fine job, she didn't look too impressed, never marry a woman just because she has big knockers, ah you live and learn.

I slept on the sofa that night, my lovely wife took a photograph of me passed out to embarrass me, but it only made me ask why was there bright orange stuff all over my face and clothes, that would be the colour of chinky food and red wine, that stuff glowed in the dark, you could paint traffic cones with it.
I learnt my lesson, never eat funny foreign food as it makes you boak, nope had nothing to do with the gallons of wine of that I'm sure.

A Moment In Bitter History.

The good lord shone down on his true representative here on Earth during the week.
Ian Paisley and his lovely wife (Baroness) Eileen celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, the Northern Ireland political party that Big Ian heads, the DUP (Democratic Unionist Party) gave them a bowl carved out of a Walnut tree that grew on the sacred site where the Battle of the Boyne was fought in 1690.
When asked if he wanted sugar for his tea Big Ian defiantly shouted, "NO! I will not have sugar in my tea as long as the milk is present" , he then sat in silence staring at the milk while his tea went cold, he was not offered a biscuit, even though they were his favourite orange treat , Jaffa cakes.

The Sparrow Has Landed.

Thankyou Hadon for pointing out what my Blog needs, recently I have checked out new blogs to see what they were like only to find pictures of oiled up muscle men all over them, no matter what some may want to believe Old Knudsen doesn't want to see that, but I respect their right to put whatever they want up on their own blog, see how enlightened I am? here is a picture of a tired Fat Sparrow, she had just landed and felt a little weighed down for some reason, if you're all saying, "but shes not fat" that is because she was trying to be cool but misspelled 'Phat' as Fat, she is just so white sometimes, anyway, no one reads at the weekend so enjoy this instead.

Only good poems rhyme # 1

Why is it that you visit my blog
reading it is a slow painful slog
I put up things that I think might be funny
A fat fucker kid or an eye of a bunny
laced with bad grammar and obscenities
what rhymes with obscenities? oh yeah tities

I see whos been here on my site meter gear
someone read for a minute lets let out a cheer
One day I'll burn out of this we must speak
to be honest with you it happened last week
go find another blog, I just want you to be happy
no tears now be brave theres no time for sappy
ah fuck you all just read what I write
or I'll kick you up the hole, yep right in the shite.

Charity Begins With Fuck Off!

True tales from the street.

Theres a little park near the High street in town, me and some of the lads like to sit on the low wall chat away and swig from a bottle of 'Beat the Wife' , its like a social club, mates stop over on their way to the shops and talk for a while and in a few hours everyone knows everyone's business.

Once I saw two clean cut young men, black trousers white shirt, black tie and backpacks, straight out of the American Donny Osmond Mormon Clone factory, here no doubt to convert us heathens, fuck I hate those stupid twats, anyway they were standing on the street looking lost, trying to catch someone's eye so they can tell them about their crazy as fuck religion, no offense my Moron readers but you are dopey shites.

They perked up as soon as they saw an old Hunchback man carrying shopping bags approaching, one of the Osmonds reached down to grab a bag saying, "let me carry that for you" now I don't know what was in the bags, probably his beloved collection of cat heads but with the speed of a prize fighter he whisked the bag out of the reach of the grabbing Mormon and loudly said, " fuck off" and scurried off leaving the two lads looking even more lost.

Now we get homeless people trying to join us but Billy usually deals with them, one time I saw Jack the Stain, an unpleasant fella who pretends to be homeless so he can scrounge money of passerby's, standing with his hand out looking pitiful saying, "can you spare 20p mate?" he got a couple of mugs, usually young men and weemen, a well dressed businessman caught Jack's eye, "can you spare 20p mister?", the man started patting his pockets and put his hand into one, Jack stared transfixed waiting to get his gift, chances are he'd get more than 20p, the man pulled out his hand with his thumb in the air as if he was thumbing for a lift shouted,"Fuck Off" and walked on, now that was sheer class.

1000 visitors,well its a big deal for me.

Yay! let the celebrations begin, Old Knudsen's Blog has had '1000' visitors, 2 months almost to the day have people clicked on and off my site some lurking and just enjoying my brilliance and some commenting some load of old crap about me being a pedo or something (nothing has ever been proven) I just want to thank those that took the time and effort in reading and then slagging off the shite that I went to the trouble of pulling out of me arse one post shy of 100, as for you fuckers that clicked next blog I hope yer nipples start to chap and weep thick custard like pus.
There has been some interesting searches done on Blogger that has led people to me and I wonder what was going through some of these people's minds and I hope that no one connects my searches to me.

Searches for

Bren Chucky Style
Fake Old Man Balls
Ladykillers poisoned Scone
Winslet
Jude Law

and of course the now famous ' Johnny Mad Dog Adair ' that supporters of Celtic (Scottish catholic football team) took to their hearts and posted on a BBC message board, God bless their bitter wee selves.

Then you get someone in China that searches for 'fuck' , I hope I enlightened them and the people in Thailand looking for 'cunt' and getting me, I can only imagine that Foot Eater had the # 1 spot for that search. (love ya footie)

Why would someone from Aberdeen do a search for 'smelly Scotsman'? do ya not have windows? just look outside.

I don't obsess over my site meter, I don't care if you visit a site (lots) called Cumshots before you get to me but really Hadon that is a lot even for you.


The 1000 visitor was from Whittier, California, hello whoever you are please call again.

If you haven't ever commented please do so, I go easy on you for the first time, if you are fool hardy enough to comment a second time, expect the Old Knudsen charm, now fuck off and give my head peace, if I make it to 2000 I'll buy yous all a drink, yep one big drink and I'll even drink it for yous.

I Demand You Kiss My Ass.

Replying to e-mail sent from: Ambassadorknudsen@hotmail.com


Dear Ambarass a dork Nudsen, its me the Prez.
I took time out from connecting with the American people to address your list of demands about firing Rummy, apologizing for being late for the World wars and executing the Fast and the Furious folks, you make demands to me and I'll Hog tie and brand you like a female cow.

Well actually I was halfway through the first season of Desperate Housewives, ever watch it? that Eva Lungeria is one hot Tamale.

I got my posse to locate on the map the whereabouts of Scotland. I would like to visit and sample your Scotch Embassy someday so our peoples can talk and efargiate our differences and elictamate a bond of friendship.
Are you an ally with the United Kingdom of England? Are your people brown? do they have oil that needs democracy and to be free. (free oil, I'm so funny)

I like Corn its tastes good.

Rummy wanted to liberate your country (with our Stealth bombers) back to the stone age but Dick wouldn't let him.

I can't fire Rummy because hes the only one that can remember the Whitehouse alarm code.
Those World wars were not even news until we engaged the enemy.
I have the collectors edition director's cut with 4 minutes of extra stunts Fast and the Furious DVDs and I have put aside government funding (from the schools of course) to make a 4th movie, bring it on.

Rummy says you're a 'Flipping Wingnut that needs to be deleted with extreme prejudice ' but I say U R A fucking asshole , yeah I'm mailing drunk, if you can't drunken mail a fellow politiker then who can you ? if you want to send anymore lame ass demands then send them to my Gettysburg address, "screw you".



TEXAS LONGHORNS ROCK!



George Texas Walker The Man Bush, President of the World.

CUNT!

It used to be that fuck and bastard were fighting words, now they are used by Parents, Teachers and Rest home caregivers on an everyday basis.
Fuck is a highly versatile word it can be a command, compliment, insult, an act or just something bad, depending on its use.

Fit as Fuck
Strong as Fuck
Ugly as Fuck
Fat as Fuck
Tired as Fuck
Cool as Fuck
I don't give a Fuck
I'm gonna Fuck you up
Desperate for a Fuck
I Fucked yer Ma
I got Fucked
No I really got Fucked
Fuckface
Fuckwit
Fuckoff
Fuckhead
Fucked in the head
Fuckyou
Fucker
Fucksake
Fuckall
Fuck a Duck
Fuck Buddy
Fucknut
Fucking Hell
The Fucking Fucker's Fucked



Fuck has been taken over as the shock word to use, all thanks to the Bog trotting Irish who now think so little of Fuck that they teach it in schools but pronounce it 'Feck' , the current word is of course 'Cunt' not as adaptable but still shocking to non Europeans , the Irish have even named an airline after the word, 'Cunnilingus' , this word will soon lose its power as the soft English have taken to using it, and who wants anything after they have used it? .

In polite circles the word Cunt is pronounced Cont but thats only by the Mucksavages as they are more readily acceptable of swear words coming into everyday use than other cultures.

Bring back 'Fuck' if you use 'cunt' with any other word it just becomes a limp insult, 'cunt face', yeah yeah, cunt on its own is fine but you can't beat a good Fuck, I dare anyone to say you can't beat a good fuck, but if you beat a good cunt you won't get a Fuck and you'd be Fucked but not really.

Real men and Old Knudsen say Fuck, he will say Cunt only after too much exposure to the lesser races.

I could of went for a picture of Bush as his name is also a name for a cunt but no, I went for another universally known Cunt Donald Rumsfeld, I'm sure the men and women fighting the sand savages would agree, who wants a boss that doesn't give a shit about his workers? give him a M 14 and send him out to patrol in an unarmoured Hummer.

Bush stood by Michael Brown of Fema and said what a good job he was doing with New Orleans and he is doing the same with Don, if you voted for Bush the first time, get someone to punch you in the back of the head, if you voted for him the second time just kill yourself, then again there wasn't much choice.

Old Knudsen demands the resignation of Rumsfeld or his sacking, and an apology for being late for 2 World Wars, and those responsible for not one but three Fast and the Furious films to be executed, I will await your answer Bush, you have 10 of your Earth minutes to decide.




Rumsfeld is a Cunt, but Hitler was a Fucker.

Hitler was also a junkie that farted alot,
his favourite word was 'Cunt'.

To quote his famous speech at Leipzig, "Ich bin ein Cunt!, ya das ist gute".

He aspired to be a Cunt as fucker is worse but he wasn't fooling anyone, well
except the nation of Germany and Neville Chamberlain.

If Hitler got his german grammar fucked up give him a break, he was from Austria, G'day mate.

Sean Penn, two four letter words.

Old Knudsen doesn't make threats, he makes promises, heres your Sean fucking wank dog Penn post--------as promised, who cares if you wanted it or not? read it then fuck off.
Its been said that Sean Penn is one of the most talented actors of his generation, well Old Knudsen never said it, I can't stand the man, he gives off an air like hes so serious and intense every hour of the day, when I see that wee shite I just want to make a load of jokes at his expense that hes not going to get so he'll end up getting angry and trashes his hotel room because hes not as smart as he thinks he is, yeah Mr Penn intense that.
He made his feature debut in the 1981 film Taps, I actually like that one, it was the energetic Tom Cruise that made it for me, what ever happened to him? oh yeah, brain washing.

I remember in the mid 80's the papers always had pictures of an angry Penn charging the Paparazzi and punching them to the ground, when was the last time you saw a photographer hit back? they may be annoying but lay of the coke Bullyboy.
Back then Madonna was hot, and as soon as she was tainted with the festering lice ridden cock of Mr Penn she lost her sex appeal and that movie Shanghai Surprise didn't help, how many shit films will it take Madonna? you are crap! no talented actor husband or talented director husband will change that.

Casualties of war was a good one, not because of Penn, but Michael J Fox and the whole scary situation they were in, Penn does excel at playing thoroughly unlikable characters, maybe a little too well, is it all acting?
What about that piece of necrotic tissue 'We're no Angels' ? Penn and De Niro were trying too see who could do the most silliest faces in a most unfunny comedy, my blog is funnier and this blog is shite, I'm not even going to mention 'I am Sam' ok well maybe I will, how many people went to see it just to laugh at a tard? nothing wrong with that, what other reason would God put them here but for us to laugh at?
I don't care about Mystic river, if Clint Eastwood has anything to do with a movie, he had better have a tough cop with an over powerful handgun or he can fuck off, oh and sound bites, "do ya feel lucky punk?"
21 grams was kinda depressing, but Old Knudsen did notice that Penn totally put Naomi Watts' erect nipple into his mouth, now that's what I call talented acting, I can picture Penn all intense talking over the scene " you know Naomi, I think it would totally help the scene if you let me suck your nipples ride you hard and then I give you a Dirty Sanchez"
When New Orleans got some water damage due to being built in a really stupid place the world was asking,"where is Sean Penn? he'll save those poor uneducated barely able to speak the English language people" , Sean, being intense got a boat and a shotgun (to shoot Quails I suppose) and motored around pulling folks out of the water, I'm sure he could of afforded 10 boats or one really big one and a helicopter, "what do you know Old Knudsen? you weren't there" screams Mr Penn, no I wasn't, I was sitting in Fema HQ wondering if the alarm bell meant an emergency or its lunchtime, I voted for lunch.

Old Knudsen likes to sit up late and watch the Oscars, no Sammy, that doesn't mean I'm Gay, did you see that dress kate Winslet was wearing? Vera Wang sure out did herself, anyway when Chris Rock decided to pitch all the jokes at Johnny black fellow forgetting its the Jews that run things he made a comment about Jude Law, to paraphrase, "who is this Jude Law? hes been in everything and comments on all the posts" no wait that's Kieran, anyway, it was an amusing joke, unless you're a stuck up serious actor, Sean Penn came on next and said, "Jude law is a fine and talented actor that's who he is" , c'mon, grow a sense of humour, Kieran took it in good spirit, well except for those nasty e-mails but that was the crayons talking.
I recently read an article about Jude Law, he took the comment that Rock made and formed a grudge that he still holds, well Mr Nanny, you 're a dopey cunt , being pretty won't help you, if you're a total wanker.
Expect to read about Jude Law in the next 18 months.

Just to finish Sean Penn off, I would like to see if the sword is mightier than the Penn, a cage match, him and me, I know he reads this Blog, I get the sword as I'm just and old feeble man with one leg and hemorrhoids.

Inscrutable.

Well done Mr Knudsen, a fine post, but when we meet next time, I shall kill you.

Dictator Time.

Dictators for some reason get a very bad reputation , some call them cruel, evil and mad, well who doesn't get called that from time to time? I was watching the news, it had an interview with the president of Syria, a Dr Bashar Al Assad, he did in no way look like Hitler, Mussolini, Franco or Idi Amin , the man looked like a pencil necked dork, he was very sensible and well spoken, not condemning any one nation by name just condemning those who are occupying Muslim countries, this guy is an Eye Doctor, and doesn't really fit in with a country the yanks use to scare prisoners with, "tell us what we need to know or we'll send you to Syria and they'll torture it out of you".
Dr Assad , you don't scare Old Knudsen, I've been to the NHS I know what fear is, you can't even grow a real moustache, a dictator that has a pathetic excuse for a moustache is to be mocked.

In this picture he looks like something out of 'Allo Allo'.







Congratulations Kim Jong Ill, I know you had a little trouble getting your Taepo Dong missile up in the past, now you've got the world attention you've been craving, you crazy little Asian midget Elvis you, everyone is scared shitless, all having nukes means is that you can blow things up (which is cool) threaten to blow things up for more foreign aid (which is cunning) and you won't get invaded by America (which is trendy) lets give every crazy as fuck country the nuke and get this party started.


This is Lil Kim doing his 'Apocalypse chow' impression, "I wanted a menu and for my sins they gave me one".

Ireland, Wet And Dirty, Just Like My Gunties.

There are none better at slagging off Ireland and the Irish than the Irish themselves, its a part of Celtic culture, you slagg someone off and they return the compliment, the first to lose their temper or get flustered or can't think of a reply loses, theres none more quick witted than a celt,(Welsh don't and can't count) we'll call you all the names of the day and when you go off to sulk and cry we'll be baffled, didn't they see the glint in my eye? calling someone you are friendly with a wanker or a ballbag is totally acceptable, of course if you don't know them prepare to get decked.
I've decided to let some dead and some not as much dead Irish people do the work for a change, heres some quotes that are true today as they were whenever they were thought of.
Now Old Knudsen isn't going soft on the Mucksavages, I am well aware that being Scottish I share some Bogtrotter blood though a lot of it has come out in my shit recently (Blog = shit with blood) so I am well qualified to taunt the Fenian Fuckers until the cows come home.




Samuel Beckett

My advice to you concerning applause is this: enjoy it but never quite believe it.

Dublin university contains the cream of Ireland: Rich and thick.

I have my faults, but changing my tune is not one of them.


George Bernard Shaw

I showed my appreciation of my native land in the usual Irish way: by getting out of it as soon as I possibly could.

An Englishman does everything on principle: he fights you on patriotic principles; he robs you on business principles; he enslaves you on imperial principles.

Put an Irishman on the spit and you can always get another Irishman to turn him.

An Irishman is the only man in the world who will step over the bodies of a dozen
naked women to get to a bottle of stout. Anonymous

For an Irishman, talking is a dance. Deborah Love

My one claim to originality among Irishmen is that I have never made a speech. George Moore

When Irish eyes are smiling, watch your step. Gerald Kersh

The Irish do not want anyone to wish them well; they want everyone to wish their enemies ill. Harold Nicolson

The problem with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, but with absolutely no talent. Hugh Leonard

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. James Stephens

Maybe it's bred in the bone, but the sound of pipes is a little bit of heaven to some of us. Nancy O'Keeefe

I'm troubled, I'm dissatisfied. I'm Irish. Marianne Moore