Old Knudsen would just like to give a raise the roof to Susan Boilface who was the runner up in Britain's got talent but fuck all looks she had a wee mental break doon at not winning and spent some time rocking in a corner of a mental health clinic. Hey don't judge we've all been there right?
The time and rest sure did Susan good as she came out looking refreshed and dare I say younger.
Susan Boyle is now doing a 20 date tour and we at Old Bitter Balls wish her well.
Old Knudsen gets around, just ask yer ma. I have been a long time personal friend to many stars including Sylvester Stallone as pictured above. Old Knudsen doesn't like to name drop but that picture was at a party hosted by DeNiro and the photo was actually taken by Hugh Jackman, its been cropped otherwise you'd see Helen Mirren and Tony Curtis on either side.
" Why yes Old Knudsen we would like a 3-way tonight."
Name dropping and bragging is so tacky so anyway I've long worked with Sly on the Rocky series. In many interviews over the years hes mentioned how my boxing career was the inspiration for him though it never stopped him from changing things to suit his films.
Old Knudsen is courage on a stick. "Fuck with the Hornivore you get the bull" is something that he might say, he loses many friends with his blunt way of speaking and the fact hes a cunt but he is the most interesting man hes ever met.
I was a young naive boy growing up in Hells Kitchen, "You fucking donkey" was what the head chef ogre used to shout at me in an Edinburgh accent which as we all know is the soft ghey Scottish accent invented by Sir Walter Scott for the tourists. I'd go into the freezer and punch the frozen meat in frustration and after 47 years I had a right hook and upper cleft lip to be proud off, sorry boxing terms I'll try to keep it simple for you lot. 
I got into underground prize fights which were held in the subterranean home of the mud men who I usually turned to dust in the second round. I got the attention of promoters and beautiful weemen, one such beauty was a Nubian mattress monster named Adrian. I was upset that Sly made Adrian into a homely white gurl but what could you do he had bought the rights to my story?
In all the 36 Rocky films not once did I see the stigmata scene which to my mind was very important because I then went on to form a cult. Fighting under the name Stony Knudsen I got the snot beat out of me until my trainer Mickey played some trumpet music which kicked in my post hypnotic suggestion that I was Superman and I made a come back winning the fight. 
Mickey used to bet on me a lot and he'd say things like "You're gonna eat lightnin' and you're gonna crap thunder!" and " You're a bum, Knudsen. You're a bum." Looking back it seems like a very abusive relationship that scarred me deep and made me insecure about my bum. 
Stony Knudsen was the heavy weight champion of the world twice. Not this world but it still counts . Micky died, Adrian died and several homeless people went missing but I have my memories. Sometimes I'll strap on me gloves and have a fight because thats what fighters do they fight. I never tell people I'm going to fight them I jump out of doorways in the street, ach its always a rush to see the the shock on a young mother's face as she gets flattened by the famous Stony Knudsen, something to tell her friends and the police about.
Thursday, 11 June 2009
The Art Of Fisting
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
I Was Also Margret Thatcher
Never seen before photos from one of Hitler's personal photographers, Hugo Jaeger have been put on display by Time magazine. They show a different side of the man made famous for having one testicle and a tiny but superior willy.
Ok Old Knudsen has been caught out. I was Hitler's double. When he had to take a fart break or gobble doon some Jewish babies Old Knudsen was there to take his place delighting the crowds.
Everyone knows the mustache was fashionable in England long before the war and Old Knudsen who is a trendy cunt had one. This facial hair gave Old Knudsen an uncanny resemblance to Adolf as you can see.
Old Knudsen was young and he needed the money. When the war broke out Old Knudsen shaved it off and fought the Nazis from Iwo Jima to Tokyo and back.
If any dirty Russians are reading this, POLAND DID NOT START WWII thats like saying a woman abused herself by absorbing her husband's punches, Old Knudsen doesn't have time for idiots who re-write history to suit them.
As I was saying I was Hitler's double and in 1945 I got the call to stand in for Hitler in a bunker in Berlin. Old Knudsen couldn't take the job as I got caught up in the whole Burma thingy taking Nazi scalps, instead Hans Gruber got the job. Between you and me Gruber is, er sorry was an amateur and did a piss poor job.
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
Dreams
Thunder only happens in my gunties!
Not everyone can be a young cool 42 year-old man who can still relate to the younger generation by getting a Hannah Montana tattoo like Stephen Baldwin . Oh no some of us has aged enough that getting an underaged gurl's initials on yer shoulder forever may be a little strange and creepy.
Old Knudsen is no pedo, he'll wait until miss Montana is 18 and then he'll bust the slut 's star over a wheelie bin. Two adults in semi consensual sex nothing creepy there. Old Knudsen is too open minded to worry about the age gap, when he shags a young firm bodied lass he isn't thinking 'What are people going to say?' I won't tell you what he is thinking you can't handle Old Knudsen's thought processes.
Damn you Baldwin for being so cool. I really don't know how McCain failed to win with such big stars on his side. Here is a snippet of his speech:
" God wants Jim McCain to be the king and God is good and gheys are bad and if I died and got to Heaven and found God didn't exist then God would have to face Stephen Baldwin but crackers are also nice, cheesy ones are good. Ritz crackers are the ones Satan eats and Satan is ghey."
Old Knudsen still has dreams and things he wants to do with his life and to other people.
I want my readers to give me dirty jobs followed by a steaming hot lunch on my chest.
Old Knudsen has achieved many things in his life but some of his dreams he has still yet to realise.
- Give Rachael McAdams the old Killamory injection 22 ways on a Sunday.
- Climb the north side of K-9.
- Pave over the Amazon and make an Amazon like fun park .
- Jump a shark while on water skis.
- Abduct Donn and force him to love me.
- Get diplomatic immunity.
- World peace by the mass execution of cunts.
- Get my own Hollywood behind the scenes episode.
- Beat the pope in an arm wrestling match, its cheating when he has God on his side.
Old Knudsen has fears aplenty. He does not want to die in a Bangkok hotel with a rope around his neck and genitals in a closet. Well I wouldn't mind as long as I had a load of hot gurly boys towards the end of a 3 day orgy, being alone would be just sad as what kind of loser would you have to be?
Old Knudsen does not discriminate against weemen with penis' he loves all weemen.
As Old Knudsen gets older he sees his main dream fading away into the darkness, ah yes Old Knudsen has always wanted to be a Gap dancer. In fact he turned doon the role of the new Wiggle when Greg caught the aids in case The Gap called him to dance for them.
Old Knudsen fitted in with the Wiggles as you can see, his easy smile and charm winning over young children's hearts. The ring cums off baby!Some might tell you I couldn't get my sex offender status revoked but since that was all just a huge mistake anyway it was because I choose not to take it so don't listen to the tabloids.
I no longer see Gap adverts on the telly maybe due to the recession, its cruel to let dreams die as I did to that cunt in the trenches of Flanders.
Some day, some way,
I just want to dance,
some way, some day,
If I only had the chance.
Monday, 8 June 2009
Fuck yer Beacon Of Free Speech
Even Hitler Needed Love 
Stephen Whittle (the ginger yeti) 42 and Simon Sheppard, 52 flew to Los Angeles in July 2008 before they could be sentenced for printing leaflets writing on a website featuring racist/anti-Jewish material.
Sheppard was found guilty of 11 offenses and Whittle was found guilty of five .
The pair hoped they would be protected by America's free speech laws and asked for asylum, claiming they had been harassed by the British government over their views.
Unlike the movies they were taken into custody at the airport and have remained in jail in Santa Ana ever since.
Sheppard from Selby, North Yorks, said, "We thought they'd hold us for a day or so. We couldn't see how they wouldn't grant us asylum. The things we supposedly had done in Britain aren't illegal in America.
"We came to the beacon of free speech in the Western world, which turned out to be a complete fantasy."
Old Knudsen just wants to apologise for the standard of Neo-Nazi produced by the UK. I blame the parents.
It was because they told immigration officers they wanted to stay without visas and the fact they were guilty of offenses that didn't give them what they wanted. All they had to do was get off the plane and go forth into the beacon of free speech known as America not tell everyone what yer business is, how fucking stupid and full of themselves they are ........ they aren't no Old Knudsen thats fer sure.
Sheppard and Whittle, of Preston, Lancs, may also face possible jail terms for a string of racist essays attacking Jews, blacks and Asians. Terrible stuff fer sure Old Knudsen being anti-racist would willingly stand up for the rights of any hooked nosed deity killer, Picaninny or cuff link unless they were dickheads cos then I'd hang them from a tree and stick a fork up their arse.
You get racists in all etnic groups so Old Knudsen refuses to tip toe around the subject, if it ain't racists then its sectarian bigots or ghey bashers. OLD KNUDSEN HATES INTOLERANCE! in fact he wants execute anyone who isn't like him or thinks the way he does.
The two Nazi rocket scientists argued that they were protected because the articles were posted on an Internet server in Callyfornia, supposedly beyond the reach of British law, so me lads where you in Callyfornia too when you typed it? In March, an immigration judge ordered that the men be deported to Britain.Old Knudsen isn't a lawyer (because his parents were married) but he does know that in order to avail yerself of the laws of another cuntry you have to be a citizen. Maybe they should have lived in the US for a while to see how free the speech in America is. For fucks sake on LOL cats if people don't like yer captions they can delete them, I can haz mouse? ok maybe that shit should be deleted for being lame.
Obama said he bowled like someone from the special Olympics and got hassle for it, c'mon have you seen those raspberry ripples? fucking funny to watch but point out what they are and oh no. Old Knudsen is in America and can't even call Catholic priests pedos without a legal letter going to Google from those Nazi pedos in Leeds.
According to the constitution all men are created equal, except the slaves, Indians and gheys, weemen just need to nod in agreement and look pretty.
How the fuck did these two black cuntry knobs except a fair shake at the stick?
Others who don't have freedom of speech are American kids, not until you are 18 ya wee self entitled cunts.
This case is going to be big for other idiot white supremacists, they will say they didn't get asylum because they are white, no they didn't get it because they were stupid hate mongers no better than the raghead clerics in the UK stirring up potential suicide bombers.
Old Knudsen doesn't believe in free speech, its a stupid idea why would you give Nazis or the KKK a voice ? Old Knudsen doesn't believe that many politicians should be allowed to speak either. Also on the list is Sean Hannity, Michael Moore, Al Sharpton , Jesse Jackson, Michael Jackson, Rush Limbaugh, Fred Phelps, Simon Cowell, Anne Coulter, Old Knudsen, BillO'Reilly, Tucker Carlson and Don Imus. If you listen to any of these cunts yer dumb.
Sunday, 7 June 2009
Next Time Yer On Yer Own
Yesterday was the 65th anniversary of D-day. Old Knudsen won't bore you with war stories like how when he landed at sword they wouldn't even let the men brew up on the sand, oh no they said go kill the Germans and then you can have a cup of Rosy Lee. Yes a horror story worse than any holocaust. Some people have said we were allowed a few sips and it wasn't as bad as we and thousands of other witnesses say but I was there and no tae passed these lips until I had killed *248 Germans*, I didn't take any prisoners cos I was fucking grouchy, blame the officers for not giving us a tea break.
The thing about killing Germans is once you pop you can't stop.
*Plus 67 members of other nations that got in his way*
French president Sarkozy is such a silly wee yank licking self promoter. He invited Obama to the 65th D-day anniversary but not any of the other leaders who lost thousands fighting the hun.
He wanted a special French/American day. I suppose it would make sense as the French made it possible for America to be free from the British and then America made it possible to be free from the Germans. Well they should have made it a day in which no one else was involved. We British were kinda in the war when it started in 39 and never surrendered unlike the French.
In fact Old Knudsen hadn't actually ended fighting the 1914-1918 war.
Don't you dare leave out the soldiers of Canada, Australia, Belgium, Czechoslovakia, France, Greece, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway and Poland.
" We surrender, no just practising in case North Korea invades."
The British press went to war on the subject saying it was a royal snub but the French shrugged like they do and said there would be other D-days and that they wanted to give Obama a private hand job.
Invites went out to the various nations and Gordon Brown (texture like sun) and prince Chuck turned up for the free D-day tea and scones.
Many veterans wore badges with the Queen's face on them to represent.
Old Knudsen didn't fight the Japs at Normandy, Dunkirk and Tescos just to have his beautiful Queen snubbed by the frogs, nor did he fight the battle of the Bulge on America's biggest loser just to be omitted from a solemn occasion such as this, he also didn't snipe at Hitler's head from a grassy knoll in 1963 for that was JFK.
Sure Churchill may have bombed the French navy when they were being stupid cunts but really when have the French not been stupid cunts?
Never trust a nation that fights with its feet and fucks with its mouth.
Saturday, 6 June 2009
The Hidden War
In Old Knudsen's war against the filthy scum known as non-Protestants he has mostly been working at night to sow grass seed into their disgusting Catholic rude man images. What if children saw this?
Friday, 5 June 2009
Grabass Friday
In the US its national Grabass day so get yer padded gunties if you have white boy arse
Or a flat hairy pancake butt.
Wow its really burning in there and inside the hoose, "Someone should do something about this Jan."
The magical qualities of the cap will shield you from prosecution.... would I lie to you?
Its all fun and games.
Until some bitch puts his hands all over Gerard's bum, I'll fuckin scratch his eyes oot! "THIS IS BUTTOX!"
In her day Amelia Earhart was just a silly bint who crashed her plane into the sea. Navigator Fred Noonan seen here may have been distracting her.
Go on grab some ass, you know you want to.
Thursday, 4 June 2009
What Would George Say?
Mia Washington, of Texas , gave birth 11 months ago to her sons Justin and Jordan.
The boys were conceived naturally and were born just seven minutes apart but DNA tests reveal they are only half-brothers, not full brothers.
The identity of the hobo father hasn't been disclosed. Family and friends have speculated on it being "Dirty Willy the dumpster king". Mr Willy was not available for comment.
Old Knudsen looks to a future in which you can cheat on yer partner and never be found out. If both children looked like the hobo would a test have been done at all ?
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Odd Stuff
The capitol of North Korea, Pyongyang said that it won't honour a 1953 truce that ended the fighting in the Korean War. That means that technically America and the UN has another war front. Oh no North Korea we're doomed............... Oh c'mon who gives a fuck about them? I dare them to invade the south, see if Old Knudsen is bothered.
The only threat North Korea is to the world is if they sell their nukes to someone dangerous, as for a worried Japan well they took two nukes and survived and anyway that will teach them for Hello fucking kitty and Pokemong.
A nasal douche belonging to Elvis went up for auction. How come if I find one of these in the bushes beside my villa its a crack pipe but if it belonged to Elvis its a nasal douche?
A back scratcher belonging to Marylin Munroe also went up for sale.
Phasers On Rape
Old Knudsen is conflicted. Captain Kirk has always been the man. A tough commander who has the respect of his crew (except the red shirts) and always finds time for a snog. Fight it , shag it or fight it then shag it or shag it and fight it he always cums up with some option and never gives up until hes done one or the other.
A man like that has Old Knudsen's respect. I've been with him throughout the green weeman and mind controlling aliens , Old Knudsen was there when those Klingon bastards killed his son ....................... Klingon bastards!
Old Knudsen even hung around to see him fall and break his hip and die all in the line of saving that baldy wuss Picard.
Ever see the next generation episode 'The perfect mate'
A woman designed to implant onto a man to be his perfect woman ............... that means she''ll do everything blow jobs don't stop after marriage .
She is on her way to be married but implants onto Picard by accident. Picard has to choose between duty and love. He choses duty and even gives her hand in marriage like the wet blanket he is.
WWKD? Kirk would shag her all the way to the wedding, hand her over and hit on all the bridesmaids. Any time he passes that way he'd knock the pan out of the husband and tap his wife cos he is Kirk.
Do we really know what Kirk would do?
Embrace the Kirk within you .
Paramount kept moving away from Kirk with the polar opposite Picard , the lazy big black fella, the Katherine Hepburn woman and the ugly Quantum leap dude.
Now the franchise is in shite order. We'll get a ship stick some foreheads on people and throw in a hot chick , stories? just change the names in the old ones.
Star Trek Starbucks, " What the hell is a Double Tall White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino® Light Blended Coffee? Q ? Q? stop messing about Q you've had your fun."
Now to the latest film which Old Knudsen has not yet seen. Yes I want to see it. Its like one of those things in life that you have to do like drugs or sticking things up yer arse.
The cast looked strangely familar except for Scotty and kirk. Scotty will always be English Shawn of the dead guy they should have got a real jock like Spud from Train spotting.
And then Kirk. Some skinny lad with big nostrils, something about his face that you just want to slap.
He may be a brilliant actor and he'll win a hardcore Shatnerite over who knows? 
Oh crap yer alien space cock is bigger than mine.
I'm a little picky where Kirk is concerned. I have noticed that the Star Trek shirts look like those sports type shirts you see all the logo laden gangstas wearing I wonder if they have a special trainer by Nike.
No Paramount its about quality not merchandise, ya might as well call it Star Wars Trek then .
Tuesday, 2 June 2009
The Irish Post
Futurisic plans are underway for Dublin, this is how it should look in 2035.
So any way a few years back Old Knudsen was in dirty Dublin which since it had 14 hooses and a horse stable is the capitol of Éire and I was standing outside the Tithe an Oireachtais when who do you think would walk past but just the Taoiseach and the Tánaiste who are obviously from the Roinn an Taoisigh, I started to chant, "leader leader" but they just ignored me in a strange accent . So then I picked up a slapper selling cock rings and butt plugs a live a live oh, for a punt and half a euro bar she performed Fochoiste all over my chest and then I gave her a good Ard Rúnaí up the Áras an Uachtaráin.
Does anyone really understand the Irish? What is going on here and why? I didn't photoshop his penis it actually looks like that. The lad loves himself.
A close up view of the wab shows it to be poorly. I never get sick of the naked mole rat thing.
Since Old Knudsen is an Ulsterman a-mong other things he does like a bit of gheylick from time to time. Scots gheylick being the more superior dialect but Irish feels more dirty and forbidding.
Ok, Old Knudsen will confess all that gheylick lark is Greek to him and when he goes onto a bog trotters blog and they are talking Irish politics Old Knudsen is devastated. Its a tiny cuntry but its politics are 10 times more dreary than Canada's politics which are part French and dull.
A typical Fenian cunt.
I read the words of the mucksavage blogs and think so why don't ya pick a language? its like Spanglish the Diego rattles on in their dirty Latin then suddenly they have to use an English word because they don't have a Latin word for it for example the words soap, hygiene and education.
So Ireland has a President and a Prime minister, what about a Queen? hey show some respect Oscar Wilde is dead.
Oscar Wilde sure sums up blogging: "Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth."
Why does Ireland need a President and Prime minister? The Uk is bigger and only has a Prime minister, the US is a little big bigger than the UK and only has President though I haven't seen the fella yet as his man servant slave keeps standing in the way.
If aliens attacked and the world united against them as was Crazy arsed Reagan's wet day dream would the President of Ireland (which is a woman) out rank Prime minister of Great Britain Gordon brown texture like sun? (which is a Scots man) I really don't think so, while the UK fires its nukes at the invaders the Irish will start lobbing spuds.
Then there are the political parties Fine Gael and Fianna Fail. Ok the first one is obviously a typo and typical Irish don't know better and repeat it, Fine Gale is what it must be to represent the good wind beneath the wings of the party.
Fianna Fail is a bit distressing as even an old injun/Fenian fighter like Old Knudsen knows Fianna means soldiers and as Ireland doesn't even have a modern day army the word fail because it shows you how unambitious they are and are quite happy with terrorists as a form of military with their 1970's haircuts and missing fingers from bomb practice.
No no no stand back do ya hear Old Knudsen knows, and you my poorly educated friend only thought you knew.
Monday, 1 June 2009
30 People Go On Trip To The Hospital
Mong's Kok Gets Burned In Attack. 
Two bottles of acid were thrown into a crowd in a popular shopping district in downtown Hong Kong injuring 30 people.
People in the Mong Kok district had been splashed with acid, though police Superintendent Leung Ka-ming would not confirm what liquid was thrown. It probably contained high amounts of lead .
A reward of $12,900 for information leading to an arrest has been posted by the Slick clit police department.
Leung Ka-Ming (pronounced 'Lunger ming') hopes that will be enough to save his kok from any more damage.
