I Do Have A Life You Know.

Kylie Minogue stepped back onto the stage in Sydney for the first time in 18 months since she was diagnosed with breast cancer, she had surgery in Melbourne and chemotherapy in Paris where she stayed with her boyfriend Sasha Distel, while there she wrote a children's book and launched her own perfume called Darling, what a lazy bitch.

Sasha Distel who is obviously French.

The other week when I had the Flu, well it was more like a bad cold, you should have seen the greeners I was coughing up, they could have fed an African village for a week with a dessert of snot.
I wasn't a lazy bint sitting around in ghey parree, oh no I wrote 2 children's books 'seen and not heard' and 'do as I say not as I do', my third book ' while you live under this roof' is still in the works.

A serial frog lover, disgusting.

I continued to spew out my poison on this blog causing 2 of my readers to question their existence and delete their blogs (you didn't even notice in the links did you?) the break up of 1 of my reader's marriage, (she wasn't right for you anyway mate) and I got Robyn to call me a "cunty old fucker" in a private e-mail when I called Dr Seuss a quack and compared him to Dr Joseph Goebbels, inventer of the 6 minute abs and head of the Nazi propaganda organization, it was the whole Hitler in the hat speech that did it for me.


Jay Kay from Jamiroquai, The Cat in the hat.


I launched my own aftershave, 'Odour de Oldman' I came up with the idea when I passed 2 hot older weemen with those sexy blue rinse hair dos and got a whiff of their overwhelming old lady perfume , that's good stuff alright its the hint of piss that has the effect on the male libido, I'm getting horny just thinking about it.
Now we men are no longer the victims of lust we now have control , we can take the role of the sexual predator at last, speaking of which I made it to the top 10 of our local sex offender's list, if old Knudsen isn't offensive to all the sexes then you can have your money back.

Someone who is offended by Old Knudsen's sex.

The cruel and unusual death threats that came from Robyn were quite impressive I rescind everything I said, just don't do that thing with the red hot pliers ok? it was just a wee joke, heh heh.


I also clipped my toenails, having only one foot really cuts the time in half and while I'm on the subject why do I have to buy a pair of slippers? the foot on my wooden leg doesn't get cold, I've tried to buy one slipper at half the price but they won't let me, fucking footwear nazis, if there are any lawyers reading, that feel the legal system hasn't been abused enough contact me and we'll file a lawsuit, beats chasing ambulances.

See Kylie? I did all of that in a week , pull yer finger out and learn from the protestant work ethic, multitask gurl, on the way to the shops throw the odd half brick through the window of a suspected Catholic, Muslim, Slav or local MP, does it really matter if you get the right hoose or not? its the hate crime that counts, now get busy lass.



To Pick or not to pick, that is the question, having a wedgie brought back her failing career.

Fish Fingers.

The most common sight that an old fisherman might see while hes out baiting his creels during a day of fishing would be a seagull, the 4th most common would be a Mermaid.
A beautiful woman down to the waist and then instead of legs she has a fish tail, they usually sit on a rock combing their hair and singing like a bored secretary.
The waters I used to fish in were bitterly cold and a sexy woman with nipples popped up like corks was a little hard to ignore, sure enough the fishtail is easy to forget about, what can I say we men are pigs.
Now Mermaids being magickal creatures can often be unpredictable, they can tell you the future, give you some sashimi lovin or lure you to the depths and to your death, very much like the dating scene played out by humans.
Men being the brave and fearless souls they are will 9 out of 10 times risk death if theres the chance of them getting their hole, the weemen don't even have to be that pretty just showing up is enough for us.

I think Mermaids are the perfect woman, first you date them for 10 or 15 minutes and then its time for dinner, they may get a little suspicious when your adventurous sex games involve tartar sauce.

Take care that you don't get a Seamaid, they are just as beautiful and tempting as a Mermaid but only want to drown you in the depths of the sea and go through your pockets. They view men as most weemen view their ex husbands.




Mer-men are just as fair looking if not more then the maids, David Beckham and Wentworth Miller would be considered ugly compared to them, don't bother here ladies, these product using Mer-men only want hot Seamen, yeah yeah what a waste, I'm a human being, not just a piece of meat to be lusted over by the fish folks, well ok I don't mind that much.

Coastal regions around the world have their own Mer-people. In the waters around the Scottish Highlands are the ceasg or Maighdean na tuinne, maiden of the wave, a beautiful but dangerous creature, if you caught one she was obliged to grants you 3 wishes, dems the rules.

Once when I was out poaching, er i mean fishing for Salmon I caught a Ceasg in my net.
She was a tasty looking wee bint but mad as hell,she said,"normally I'd grant three wishes but you're that Old Knudsen fucker so you're only getting one". I knew I had to be careful what to wish for, I had caught plenty of salmon to sell at a good price so money wasn't my need, I hadn't had a good shag in a week and seeing the greater boobied fish gurl was making me kinda anxious so I said,"I want to wake up in bed with 3 weemen" .
The next morning I woke up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton, I had no penis a broken leg and no health insurance.



I heard it said once that Old Knudsen sold his soul for a cheap laugh .

For The Fallen.

Having served my country in the military I have nothing but admiration and respect for those from Britain, The Common wealth countries and our allies who have served during the wars and especially those who have given their lives in service to their country. Ordinary people who due to their courage became heroes, many of them not receiving medals or even a marked grave but it wasn't themselves they were thinking about.
May they all rest in peace and be remembered with gratitude.
To those currently serving their countries in conflict I wish a speedy and safe return to their families.
Please spare a thought and say a prayer for all the civilians caught up in the wars also.

This poem was written by a Canadian physician and Lieutenant Colonel
John McCrae in 1915, what a pointless waste of life wars are.


In Flanders Fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blowBetween the crosses, row on row,That mark our place; and in the skyThe larks, still bravely singing, flyScarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days agoWe lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,Loved, and were loved, and now we lieIn Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:To you from failing hands we throwThe torch; be yours to hold it high.If ye break faith with us who dieWe shall not sleep, though poppies growIn Flanders fields.


A parent's epitaph for their son from World War one.

To all the world he was a soldier
To me he was all the world.



Never forget what happened at Enniskillen 1987.

Come To Me My Bloggers Of The Night.

A Blogger in search of new Blogs to comment on.


Bloggers can be compared to vampires, they meet other vampires (and put them in their links) who all jump on the new fresh blood and suck them dry of wit , humour and originality leaving a dried up shell of self doubt and bitterness, and they in turn go out on the hunt commenting on those they find because it makes them feel young, fresh and bloggery again and put them into their links starting it all over again, some are not cut out to live forever and take their self doubt into the sunlight and delete themselves, or theres the ones that only get a sunburn as a cry for help,(delete but still comment) out here in the Blogosphere 24 hours can be an eternity.

The De Havilland Vampire, try not to get confused.

Only The Good Die Young.

One of Old Knudsen's heroes Jack Palance died at his Montecito home in California, hes best remembered for doing old man one armed pressups starring in Shane and City Slickers. Oscar winner Palance started out as a boxer then in World War II the bomber he was serving in caught fire (probably due to everyone smoking back then) and his face was disfigured from the burns.
Jack's family gave his age as 87 though records have him as 85, he may have been of Ukrainian stock but I conveniently over look that because of his greatness.

Salute to Weemen In Uniform # 1

On the run up to Remembrance Sunday and the fact that its Veteran's Day in the States here is my salute to all past and present weemen in uniform, this lass looks like shes in special forces or special forces have been in her I don't know. Look how she handles her weapon like a pro, c'mon gurl, if you aren't gonna put that into your shoulder then where are you going to put it?

The Hidden Menace

There was this court case that's been going on for 2 and a half years. It involved some YouTube workers, one of which said he was being racially discriminated against by two others that used black Jelly Babies to taunt him.
Daniel Jean-Marie a black man in his 20's (with two gurly names) claimed that his manager Victor Cooney (perfect last name for a racist, hi I'm Adolf Negro) and Carlo Rozza bit the heads off black jelly babies in order to harass him.

Cooney in a move only a nazi would do gave Jean-Marie a large bag of the sweets , but there were too many black ones in it and jean-Marie took this was a jab at him.


At the end of this 8 day trial it took only one hour to acquit the case.
The whole affair cost the tax payer £250.000 and nearly wreaked Mr Cooney's marriage and relationship with his children.

"Everyone bites the head off Jelly babies, only sickos bite off the legs, or eat them outright its ridiculous to waste police time like this its outrageous", commented Old Knudsen earlier today.

What will it be next? Ian Paisly pissed off cos the orange ones get their heads bit off and the green ones laugh about it?, becoming more like America everyday, well no one had better drink milk in front of me or I'm suing .



A Jelly Baby went to the doctors because he wasn't felling well.The Doctor gave him a thorough check over and sent him to have a blood test.
Two weeks later he went back for the results.The Doctor said" I'm sorry I have some bad news.You are "HIV" positive.Have you been sharing dirty needles?"
The Jelly baby said "No but I've been sleeping with "allsorts"



The top picture is a representation of Londinstan.

I Mean That Most Sincerely

While on other peoples comments I was reminded of the uber politeness I received when I first started this Blog. I went onto a blog I happened across and read a post about child molesters/murderers, those fuckers put me into a K-fed rage, I want to smash and destroy, so I did indeed have something to say, I commented , you know me I called for summary execution in a vile and painful way, well I was polite about it as I usually am on my first encounter with new people.

A few days later I got a comment from the woman who owned the blog saying something like
" thankyou for stopping by and commenting on my blog, I found your blog to be very interesting" .
Old Knudsen though happy to get a comment at the time (his second one maybe) would of liked a little sincerity to it, I knew she wouldn't be back, my wit no doubt went over her head, that is my down fall, that and being thoroughly unlikable.

I compare those comments to the spam everyone gets.
"I was looking over your blog and I didn't find what I was looking for, you could make over £900 a month"
Its a polite handshake that says, "ok we're done, I may see you on the street and we'll nod and say hello but really that's it" .

Someone is bound to say,"what we can't even be polite to each other now?" theres always some smart arse, I'm saying be polite sure but there is a fine line between being polite and being insincere and smarmy just because you mouth the words doesn't mean them to be true, go to Japland for double meaning polite speak.

I have a very eclectic taste in blogs and I think my links list shows that. People write these blogs, sure most of them are total wankers again refer to my links list, some go for sexy, homespun, disgusting , intelligent, funny, insightful, surreal and how the fuck did they come up with that? fucking beautiful mind stuff that is, or a mix of all of these, you know who you are (yes Footeater you're sexy blog, sorry Dr Maroon you're sporty blog) I always try to remember its a person writing the post before I respond in a most inappropriate manner and that this is not some kind of business to get the most readers, perhaps my addiction to pain killers has robbed me of ambition but I just want to have some fun and meet some cool people, some day I hope to do both, and if this blog leads to a deletion for threatening to bounce keyboards off Blooper employees heads or a movie deal starring Hugh Jackman as Old knudsen the crusty Scottish Blogger burnt out and on the edge (no its not a ghey flick with that U2 fella) then so be it.
I am constantly amazed that people think about Old Knudsen and go to the trouble of clicking onto his blog, I am more amazed that they come back, if you have any suggestions or ideas for my blog then shove it up yer hole , thanks for taking the time to insult me in my comments.

Its been mentioned many times before but it bugs the hell out of me. You're standing peeing away in a public urinal or trough and the place is empty, another bloke comes in and stands right beside you and starts peeing, not 3 feet away not 2 feetaway but right beside you, whats worse is as you're standing there all vunerable to attack because both your hands have to hold steady your massive lad
or you'd soak the place like a trainee fireman, you glance at the guy with the look on yer face what the fuck man? and he smiles and nods a greeting at you before he starts to tinkle. Nothing ghey just very intrusive, whats going on in that man's head? I'll stand next to him to keep him company? I'm just being polite? ah a fellow brother of the snake perhaps I'll strike up a conversation with him.

Once when I was down in dirty Dublin in a little pub, it was during the day and only some fellow old men were in there drinking, it was quiet and I was just talking to my mate. I went for a piss like you do and one of the other old guys came in, he starting talking to me while I pissed, all polite where are you from talk and then held out his hand for me to shake it, so not wanting to offend the locals as I hear the Irish used to be cannibal head hunters until 40 years ago I got a firm grip of my ' bendidick Arnold' (just made that up for you yanks) with my left hand and shook the old guy's hand then I returned to my bussiness and shook my old lanyard, of course after shaking someone's hand I made sure I washed my hands manly or not I did it, the old guy must of thought I was posh or something, washing my hands indeed.

Heres a picture of Kate Beckinsale for the troops, shes no Gloria Hunniford but shes still a lovely looking lass.

I'm still getting searches for 'tits' on my shite meter , its from dirty foreigners now, but still I will put up breasts because (A) I like em and (B) what if a lonely soldier after a long day of killing Sand Savages needed a wank? I am there for you troops, if you don't put up breasts on your blog then the terrorists have won.

I haven't seen that Borat film yet, but from all the coverage I feel like I have, I did commit my first and not to be my last racial slur because of it. I was walking down the town with a mate, his name is Aaron you don't know the wee shite, he was born in a British military hospital in Germany and his tongue doesn't lift from the bottom of his mouth, I call him a freak show nazi but thats besides the point of what I'm talking about, anyway hes handy for carrying shopping, we were heading into Cooperfield market but the man in from of us with his wife and a million gypsy looking little kids were walking so slowly which in turn slowed us down , I had to get to the pound shop before all the cheap picture frames are gone, I'm giving everyone for Christmas a photo of me in a frame, I'm not sure if I should sign it or not or would that appear arrogant or something? anyway you fuckers aren't getting one, I'm not spending any more than £ 10.00 this year.
So I was behind this tribe, Aaron says he wants to go to the bodyshop to get his mam some soap that smells like pineapple. I looked at the fella ahead of me and he was a little bit swarthy with black hair and a big moustache, I said to Aaron, "we aren't going anywhere unless Borat here moves his fat Slavic arse", as soon as it came out I felt a little ashamed, mostly because fucking Borat didn't hear me or understand me and also if I had someone to back me up in a brawl instead of the freak show nazi I would of poked him in the back with my walking stick, maybe it was God teaching me tolerance, or maybe he was telling me that I need to get a cattle prod.


Nothing to do with anything except Old Knudsen's whims, here is Glynis Johns, the best of the two things that Wales ever had to offer, the second thing would be promiscuous sheep.


Blog on Bloggers

Bring On The Sex Magick.

You are The Magician

Skill, wisdom, adaptation. Craft, cunning, depending on dignity.

Eleoquent and charismatic both verbally and in writing,
you are clever, witty, inventive and persuasive.

The Magician is the male power of creation, creation by willpower and desire. In that ancient sense, it is the ability to make things so just by speaking them aloud. Reflecting this is the fact that the Magician is represented by Mercury. He represents the gift of tongues, a smooth talker, a salesman. Also clever with the slight of hand and a medicine man - either a real doctor or someone trying to sell you snake oil.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

I was over at Xmichra's blog and I saw this, I thought yeah yeah what a load of toss and then I took the test and its completely me even down to the 6 pack abs. I don't like dabbling in the occult being a good Prodestant and all, well except the Voodoo but thats an exception as that keeps me alive, oh and binding demons with the seal of Solomon and forcing them to do my evil bidding but thats more of a hobby, just take the bloody test, chances of you getting into Heaven soul intact are slim anyway.

Two Men And A Dog.

Here is a true tale of man in his element, when faced with adversity he doesn't back down he looks for a solution and gets the job done true grit.
This story from Fat Sparrow is probably the funniest thing I've read since I read my own posts, do ya like dags? then this is the post for you.

Smells Like Victory, Old Knudsen Wins.

I hear there was an election in America, careful what you wish for lefties, never mind that fiasco Old Knudsen has struck a winning blow for world peace and revenge on bad film making and is going to revel in it, ok I didn't get an apology for America being late for not one but two 'world' wars but I did get Rumsfeld resigned as I demanded and I got 5 people responsible for the fast and the furious trilogy taken to a secret U.S. torture base in Turkey and executed.



"Ah piddly, Old Knudsen wants me out, I knew I should have had that SOB deleted . I'm gonna troll that wingnut's blog and make unhelpful comments, I sold my soul for this? ".


Poor George has fallen off the wagon again and bent my ear for a hour on the phone whining, saying things like "Old Knudsen I be a limp dick president no ones gonna listen to me, first it was Mickey brown then ol Rummy, my hommies ain't got my back no more ", he talks like that after a few, maybe it was a lame duck president he said oh I don't know I was watching the telly at the time, is it just me or is Gloria Hunniford getting sexier each year? if only old Georgie boy knew how stiff the old lad was, of course knowing those dirty yank prezzies he might of had some ugly bint sucking on his Cuban.


You lustful wench, you know you want it.


Rumsfeld is being replaced with one of George Sr's CIA buddies, did you know the CIA knew all about 9/11 ? well they did as soon as the movie came out . Robert Gates a Spook from the 1960's and once a spook always a Spook. He is the new Defense secretary, don't worry, Rumsfeld has him on speed dial if he needs to give him some orders er I mean pointers.

I'm Robert Gates, a man you can trust.

Congratulations to a dear friend of mine James Webb, hes made it to the senate in Virginia, check out his book Borne Fighting and you'll see how the Scots are Gods chosen people. If you read this Jimmy boy come round and we'll have a few jars old mucker of mine.



"Smell that one Rummy, consider it a leaving present","excellent as always Bushy baby, if only I could bottle it".

Yer Cunt Smells Like My Dinner.

A Fish and chip shop in west Yorkshire was investigated by the town council due to a complaint that the place smelled like fish and chips. The owner first thought it was a joke when he got the later telling him about the investigation. He keeps the place clean and checked the vents were working ok, he is now open to suggestions on how to make a place where fish and chips are made not smell like it .
Who the fuck would go into a fish and chip shop presumably to buy fish and chips and then complain that the place smelled like them?
I have a few ideas as to who it might be, and yes K-fed is on the list of suspects, a white guy in a tracksuit with the word 'pimp' on the back and a neck full of bling bought a cod and chip shortly before the complaint, he then said ,"these are fries I want chips" with a few gang signs flung in the direction of the owner he walked out holding his crotch as he left the shop in disgust.

Britney No talent to Divorce Kevin Wank Stain

First Brad and Jen then Reese and Philippe and now Britney and K-fed. Celebrity divorces are now the new trend, try to keep up Madonna, 3 rd world babies and little shitey foo foo dogs carried in handbags are no longer the must have fashion accessories, everyone has released er sorry everyone has had a sex tape slip out somehow thats just so passe now, give it a rest, unless of course Brad and Angelina had a tape that would be worth watching but then Brad would complain that it wasn't his best side or something hes so touchy.

Back to the stars of this post, how can I explain the level of hate, disgust and revulsion I feel for this couple? I hated Britney on her own a nice wee amount but then Mr cocky wigger twat came along then I realised how much hate I was capable of.
During the two years of their marriage I lay awake at night sensing their rich but low class antics, the drugs and drunken unprotected sex which led them to breeding twice. The baby dropping led me to describe bad mothers as having the maternal instincts of Britney Spears.
I got into fights fueled by my hatred of Kev (no not Kav, I like Kav) I imagined his smug face (Kev's) and his head full of corn rows as I destroyed opponent after opponent with my fists of fury, don't worry I didn't get hurt I only took on little handicapped fellas .
I would fly into a rage shouting,"wheres your pimp tracksuit now K-fed?" as I hit them with their crutches, tough wee bastards but quite therapeutic, I also sated my rage beast with angry sex , a little known actress Sharon Stone was the only woman that was man enough to keep up with me, the STDs I caught from her were worth the 6 months of pleasure and pain we gave each other, she still phones me now and again, well her lawyers do, the baby was brown that hoor isn't getting a penny from me.
Never mind I don't want to get into too many personal details though if she used her teeth one more time on my knob I'd be Jewish.

Everyone has always gone on about how sexy Britney is but I've never seen it, she is so plain and average , Old Knudsen has more rhythm and soul than her. I implore the government of America to spay and neuter the both of them your gene pool doesn't need anymore morons you have surplus as it is, its like closing the barn door after the dirty wigger has shot his load but its a start, this divorce has sparked my hope for mankind.



Scum and scummier


I just couldn't have their smug faces in a big picture at the top of my post so I put up a pig, I like pigs, years back when I was land locked I worked on a farm. Working on a farm is probably one of the toughest jobs going and it sure gives you an appitite, I'd look at the pigs walking around and it would be like the cartoons, I'd see rashers of bacon instead of animals, my mouth still waters at the sight of a pig, like a Pedo on the first day of school.

Bring Back Pirate Bumsex.

I've always been bothered By stories like Cinderella, The Little mermaid and Snow white and the 7 vertically challenged persons and any other story that has a gurl who wants to marry a prince.
I've posted about Disney before with Mickey diddle the kids Mouse and if you can't see the evil of the happiest place on Earth (Disneyworld) then what happened to Bambi's mum will happen to you.

Bambi's mum, I'm sure of it.

Firstly you have these gurls, all pretty with long flowing hair and
a pleasant disposition that gives the impression they are nice gurls, not too bright but nice.
The reason why I say not too bright is because they haven't made anything of themselves all that pot they smoked robbed them of ambition, but they know enough to want to better themselves by marriage before their looks fade so they go all out to fall in love with the first prince they see, these gold diggers are sneaky, that Snow White bird, well why was she called Snow ? who names their kid that? hippies that's who, her hair was as black as coal, probably a hairy gurl too I reckon, shacked up with, Stumpy, Horny, Tugger, Rammer, Pogo, Clappy and Bukkake it wasn't her honour that was white as the ridden snow it was her face after a session with Bukkake and friends , that dirty slag, it would make a great porno vid, I'm sure its been done I will have to look, for the sake of research.

When Ms White was lying there unconscious after eating an apple and is all of a sudden is woke up by a kiss from a prince he falls for it, way to stroke his ego you manipulating bitch, its turkey that makes you sleepy you morons, Apples keep doctors away like a cross to a vampire, who writes this shit, no I write 'this' shit I mean that shit.

Time for the midget gangbang bitch.

I would have tested her level of awareness first , if a dirty old jock having a go at you doesn't wake you then a kiss certainly won't, I guess that's why I'm not a prince, I bet it never occurred to him to look up her skirt, fucking gentlemen, give us all a bad name.


For the troops

That Cinderella only had 6 PHDs which means she is fucking useless, Burger King said fuck off until you have 10 and 2 years experience at flipping burgers then you can have an interview, so she was stuck doing housework, not very good at it either, in the attic where she lived it was crawling with mice and birds making dresses and shit, I'd get a cat if I lived there or get a load of traps but no, dozyrella encourages them, like that film Ben with the rats, next they'll be in the kitchen eating the Ritz crackers. I like Ritz, Ritz makes me smile.
I like Ritz but it makes me toot.

Thankgod for Fairy god mothers, because that gurl was a waste of time, instead of a carriage she should have given her a backbone, no prince is going to come and save you gurl, well except in this case of course and in 'The graduate' but really it doesn't happen, that often.

You should know the story by now she has to leave the Ball by midnight or everything changes back to as they were, the coach back into a pumpkin the coachmen back into mice, you know the deal, what I want to know is, why is the glass slipper that's left behind stays a slipper and not revert, and why don't you see many glass shoes about anymore, it seems they are perfect for dancing in and why didn't she poison her stepmother and sisters years ago?



A present from the Dwarves.

Poor Socrates huh? that Plato wanker wasn't too upset, this has nothing to do with this except for the poisoning, they said, "Socrates you are well
too smart for your own good, go drink some poison", he proved them wrong and was dumb enough to drink some. I get e-mails all the time from bloggers telling me to drink poison, really Foot Eater it gets kind of old after a while .


That little Mermaid, she was a bit of alright, why was she named after a soap power? was Hans Christian Anderson sitting in his kitchen trying to meet a deadline and he saw a box of Ariel and said, "yup good enough, its only for kids anyway", she could of very well been called Daz or Persil .




Another Disney abortion is what they did to the bad name that Pirates have, yeah yeah Johnny Depp is so cute the man is about 60 but looks 35 and is now a teen idol, the mothers had him for a teen idol too, all very incestuous but good for Mr Depp I am thinking, he only has eyes for that Joe la Taxi gurl and her dirty frog ways, anyway, getting captured by pirates used to mean brutal anal rape and once you're full of seamen chopped up and fed to the sharks, now it means a good old fun packed romp for all the family.


Yo ho ho and a tube of lube, Yarr! I'll be wantin your bumsex, me hearties.

Superstar.

One of our fellow Bloggers has achieved much deserved recognition , if you don't read The Swearing Lady from the arse end of Ireland you are weak and to be mocked.

Shadows Of Old Knudsen.

You silly twat, there is no book, however if you want to send me £21.99 in advance of some book I may or may not write in the future please do and I'll make sure you get a copy .

A preview:

Old Knudsen was hard, hard as nails some said, but he was stiff, stiff and upright due to a back injury, his purple head throbbed as he rubbed his hand over it he knew he had to take care of it before it exploded, so he took some aspirin, this loosened him up. He had just spent the night in a bar which was a real Dive run by Dive called 'The Skinny Goth Gurl', Dr Maroon and Footeater had taken him out for a few so they could pump him for cool post ideas and maybe just pump him later, suddenly all the weemen that commented on his blog walked in naked, Sammy and Rob 7534 just ignored them, I stood up and grabbed a bottle of baby oil then........................... to be continued.

Old Knudsen The Highland Laddie.

You know if you are a true Scotsman.


if you've had Alcohol posioning at least once and your first heart attack before the age of 25.

If by the age of 9 you were a 4 pack a day man and your da bummed cigarettes from you.

If you have as a mortal enemy not the English but your own liver.

If your stubbornness means you'll never quit smoking and drinking because quitting is for the weak.

If you consider somebody getting glassed in a pub fight as 'in house' entertainment.

If you venture into busy traffic on the off chance that the small round thing you saw on the road is a penny.

If you are prepared to fight to the death other Scotsmen that also see it.

If you are suspicious of strangers though you trust your own family and friends as far as you can throw them.

If you think that everyone else is soft and healthcare is only for the sick and besides its only a little blood that you coughed up.

If the sound of bagpipes stirs your blackened soul and you sing along energetically even if you don't know the words,"DA DA DA DA DA DA DA Scotland the brave".

If you're at the point were you punch foreigners who ask if you have a kilt and whats *under* it.



*amendment*

If hot foreign weemen ask this question as a pick up line they will not be hit, assuming they are not too hideous (as many foreigners are, esp Slavs) and will totally degrade me in the act of love making.

Is That A Dead Badger On Your Face?

Yes, Murals have again graced my Blog.
You may remember Vince Vaughn from such movies as Swingers, Dodgeball and the brilliantly funny Wedding Crashers, he was a fine young man full of promise until tragedy struck, he went to Belfast and met with The Prince of lies, Sinn Fein president Gerry Adams.
What is going on I hear no one scream, well Vince , do you mind if I call you Vince? I feel like I know you so well, oh good, well Vince is doing a documentary on Belfast's Murals. Old Knudsen having traveled the length and breadth of the Emerald isle, no not Emerald Bile, get your mind out of the gutter, has on many occasions seen the the murals of belfast and those in other bitter towns.
The murals are large depictions from the sectarian violence that erupted in 1969 between the Protestants and the Catholics and are of masked terrorists, heroes, flags slogans and warnings of where you are , ' you are now in Loyalist East Belfast' , always handy to know if you are not of the loyalist persuasion, turn round and walk in the other direction , bear it in mind you may get into trouble for just being an unfamiliar face, oh that's right, theres been a cease fire since 1994, the numerous shootings and that big bomb in 1998 doesn't count nor that big bank robbery by the Irish Republican Army which was aided by Sinn Fein in which £26.5 million was stolen, nope no trouble in Northern Ireland any more, all the bitter balls have taken up knitting and flower arranging.

No one has a choice whether a mural goes up on to the side wall of their house or not, the artists and big men with necks thicker than their heads come round to do it, the angry home owner had better smile and make them tea or their family won't be safe.
I remember a woman named Isabel, legs all the way up to her arse and a mouth as foul as a sewer, she had a mural painted onto the side of her house, an ugly big thing, crossed Armalites and a Red Hand of Ulster, the usual thing, well the police wouldn't touch it as they didn't consider it enough to get into trouble over so she was stuck with it .

My buddy Vince met with Nationalist Gerry scumbag Adams in Andersontown to look at a mural of hunger striker Kieran Doherty, hunger strikers were IRA prisoners that stopped eating to protest the conditions in prison, a hand full died and so got murals, very al Qaeda mindset don't you think? to keep the documentary fair and balanced Vince met with the Unionist politician David Ervine to look at a Protestant mural, the Protestant mural was about workers at the shipyards, not a political one, you know, the shipyards that built the Titanic, which almost made it to the other side, a fact no one gives the builders any credit for.



Non Political Breasts




Vince, according to everyone seemed very interested in the murals and very open to talk to, he wouldn't answer any questions one whether or not Jennifier Aniston is any good in the sack or did he get excited knowing that Brad had been there before him, in fact he just ignored me when I asked the questions, but we're still buds.

Vince noticed the murals while in Belfast on a previous visit, he saw them from his taxi when he left the Eurpoa Hotel where he was staying, incidentally the Europa was bombed 27 times during the Northern Ireland troubles.

Buses and taxis now take tours of the murals and places of shootings and bombings, it was only a few years back that you'd never see a bus or a taxi in those places.

I like Vince, he can get a bit rough with a few drinks in him but so fuck, who doesn't? oh yeah the soft English, anyway with visiting the murals of Belfast and not calling everyone Irish I now make Vince Vaughn an honourary Bitter Balls.



Observe the top picture, Vince looks like he is about to violently whack Gerry and Gerry looks like the sniveling weasel he is," oh Mr Vaughn don't talk to the black hearted prods, the brave IRA freedom fighters though I am in no way connected with them love you and your money".

You Know You Want Me To Call You.

I must put out my friend and regular reader Russell Crowe's side of the whole phone throwing story , you may have heard of it.While in an American hotel he had trouble with the phone in his hotel room , he couldn't get through to his wife in Australia , the guy at the reception desk wasn't helpful enough so Russ ripped the phone out and went downstairs and threw it at him.
I think it would be more understandable if I put it into these terms.

All week I've had trouble with Blooper (Blogger) either I just couldn't get on or I couldn't save to draft or publish, all I could do is stare at my blog or wank over my site meter, whoever is from Motherwell got me there,
thankyou .

Even the Muslims are pissed off at Blogger, this is them angrily burning something or other.

I trolled around leaving unhelpful comments as anonymous but really its all about the post with me, I need to get my thoughts and ideas down so I can upload into a strong, bullet proof non - rust robot body and rule the world, no really, I know a guy that can do it, its not cheap but it will be worth it. I've seen pictures of the invincible war-bot I'm to become you will tremble with fear when the Knudsenator is unleashed.

Prepare to become enslaved you weak humongs, I can bend it Like Beckham and I can bend beckham himself.

Anyway, I get a tad miffed when Blooper messes me around because I believe they are all out to get me, no infact I get quite irked, if I had a dog I would kick it. I'd rather find a Blooper employee, maybe that one that writes the spiffy maintenance updates with the insincere apologies and I'd like to bounce my keyboard off his head, bow to give honour and adopt a karate stance and see if he thinks hes hard enough to have a go or call the police. What Russell did now was totally understandable right?

If your gurlfriend cheats on you, you beat the guy up, see it all makes sense.


Imogen Stubbs' arse from the 1988 Drama 'The Rainbow'



Russell who pleaded guilty to 3rd degree assault said in an interview.

"Where I come from , a confrontation like that , as basic and simple as that, would have been satisfied with a handshake, a few cans of beer and then we'd kill a croc and put it on the Barbie, its only Aussie rules phone tag mate fair dinkum".



He then went on to say that the American legal system is very open to misuse. How dare he, if you wish to sue Mr Crowe over this statement and the jacket that he wore when he was arrested call 1 - 800 SUE THEM.

You can take her Russ, you're a Gladiator but what a jacket to be seen in public wearing.


Oj Simpson and Michael Jackson have both condemned Crowe and say they are quite happy with the legal system, former President and ugly intern chaser Bill Clinton was unavailable for comment as he is busy promoting his new book, 'Define Big Fat Liar' anything to keep him away from the Gorgon he married.



David Beckham is already a little bit bent. Congrats on next year's Knighthood David, lets hope by then your balls will have dropped and you don't sound like such a squeaky twat.

More Tits, But This Is Art.

As you get older strange memories pop up in your head. A naked lass running down a hill and into a lake got my memories stirring, it was Imogen Stubbs in the TV version of the D.H. Lawrence book 'The Rainbow' shown in 1988, God bless the British TV for not having a stick up it's arse about young beautiful naked weemen cavorting around starkers, and this wasn't even shown after the 9pm watershed because its art, so there , not great pictures, its the memory that counts.


Update

Since having put this up I've had at least 4 separate searches for 'tits' from around the world, including Yank armed forces in the middle east, so Bloggers, show some tities for the men and weemen fighting the Sand savage with the hope to free them from something of other whether they like it or not. Troops In Trouble Seriously!

Wag The Dog.

Was Dustin Hoffman a woman originally? did he play in the movie Tootsie as a double bluff so no one would believe the truth? and how could Dustin as a woman be so ugly with only one head?

Tits Running From A Lot Of Bull.

As you know already, posting at the weekend is a little more relaxed I just put up any old shit as long as Blooper (Blogger) lets me *post*. Some of my gems may get lost in amongst a wave of drunken posting and not get the attention I feel they deserve. I'm a fucking artist ok? I usually put up a pretty young lady with nice knockers but I haven't cum across one that inspired me enough so heres a picture of running with the bulls in Pamplona , plenty of tits to be seen here. C'mon you bulls, its called natural selection gore the stupid fuckers before they breed.


*Blooper has gone out of it's way to piss off Old Knudsen in the last day*

Evil Phoned In Sick

Old Knudsen has made it through the deadly 'November II' , the only thing to happen was that the toilet cistern ran a bit, I fiddled with my ball cock then after I went and fixed the toilet, and I got my lecky bill (electricity to you people) so no big disasters. I can post til those cows come home, then we'll eat the cows and I'll post some more. Enjoy this post, I'm off to have a nice long bath, I'm a little hungry so I'll bring in the toaster and a loaf of bread and make toast while I soak, thankyou for all your concerns, except FootEater, hes a cunt.




Old Knudsen is so old he remembers when he and some of his drunken friends tried to make the world's biggest cup of tea in Boston harbour, it was only a wee prank.

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers Davey jones and his foot locker before he got a beatle's haircut and joined the Monkees

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers saying to God, "its dark in here, how about some light?"

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers when they did circumcision for silly made up religious reasons, not silly made up hygiene reasons.

Old Knudsen is so old the cars all ate oats and shat in the street and a hybrid was a Mule.

Old Knudsen is so old the only ones that wore hoodies robbed from the rich and gave to the poor.

Old Knudsen is so old you didn't need the Chunnel, you could walk to France on the ice sheets.

Old Knudsen is so old, never mind national ID cards he remembers saying, "birth certificates, it will never happen" .

Old Knudsen is so old that trepanning went out of style and came back, if you don't believe him, check out the hole in his head.

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers making up the expression, "I need that like I need a hole in the head" just before they trepanned him.

Old Knudsen is so old back street abortions were done with wooden coat hangers.

Old Knudsen is so old he apprenticed to be a flint knapper (fucking bronze age)

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers the outrage when a lady had a warobe malfunction and her ankle showed. (I had a stiffy for days)

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers King Harold (Harefoot), King Philip of Mycenae, The Norse God Odin and Lord Nelson as spokesmen for a top brand of eye drops.

Old Knudsen is so old he can remember when Lord Nelson lay there dying and said those famous last words," kiss me Hardy" I looked around at all the salty seamen in their tight flared trousers and said, "that is so gay" .

Old Knudsen is so old that he remembers when Dickens was the most prolific blogger.

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers telling Queen Victoria, " wearing black really does make you look slimmer".

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers when the expression 'surfs up' meant your servant was up cleaning the chimney.

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers telling Sir Walter Raleigh, "don't worry, Queen Elizabeth never holds a grudge , shes really mellowed out", shortly afterwards they cut off his head.

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers Adam saying to his docile wife Eve," you know you could stand to lose a few pounds, lay off the burgers and pasta and just eat fruit for a while.

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers Adam's first wife Lilith leaving him to go off to shag Demons because he said she looked fat.

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers Jesus as being the David Blaine of his day.

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers freaking out Joan of Arc by standing behind a wall and throwing his voice, I wonder what ever became of little Joanie.

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers when he was in Salem he was misheard and actually called the woman a 'bitch' , it would of been embarrassing to try to tell them otherwise.


I hope this and the fact that I'm still alive will cheer some people up, many bloggers have the blues and blame the time change or S.A.D. or both, but I blame El Nino and Venus in Uranus.

The picture of evil above looks a little like David Blaine, for some reason hes gone off the rails but still carries them about, as you can see he is getting his hanky out to blow his nose, even Zombies get snot, but those shoes and that shirt, what was he thinking? what an outfit to die in.

Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee, I Mean The Pub Called Wounded Knee.

I woke up this morning with a feeling of dread and a damp spot on my bed, 'damn that hot water bottle' I thought as I tried to see how bad the patch was, what a mystery, I was soaked through and I don't have a hot water bottle.
Looking through the window it was as if the sun was too afraid to show itself today, the sky was a dark ,foreboding swirling mass of anger. I fancied that I saw three of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse though they may have been plastic bags blown about by the wind.
My bedside clock said 7:10 am, what? 7:10 am, my arse its still dark out what happened to daylight savings time? then I remembered the awful truth, its the 2nd of November the day of disaster, my mind raced back to when I checked that I had £42.00 to send to Ms Ibis for spiritual protection and then I remembered buying a case of Charger (a weak but reasonably priced lager) it was a bit of a blur after that,I went to the pub then to the chinkys for a curried chip, Billy was with me so anything I had left over he probably took when I passed out, funny wee man is Billy one ear. Oh shit I'm in such trouble, will saint Michael and his mates stand by as the great evil that has been foretold fucks me in the ass sans lube? is it too late to pray? is it too early to drink? wise up its never too early to drink.
I will be keeping to myself today and wearing tinfoil under me hat just incase, if this is the last post that I ever do I just want you all to know that I meant every mean word I said to yous and if nothing happens to me you'll be in for more of the same, and you'll like it, you'll even ask for more but Old Knudsen won't give you more cos hes a fucking slag.


Standing, gazing over Loch Voil pondering the mortality of man.

November 2 Knudsen's Doom ?

Coming soon, or is it? Revelations .