How To Be Attractive To Someone Who Knows You

German researchers interrupted their plans for world domination to figure out why their wives didn't want to shag them anymore. Was it the cabbage smell they leave in the bathroom or way they farted at the dinner table and said "Guten arse?"

Why would you not want all of this?

They came to the conclusion that weemen's sex drive lessened if they were in a secure relationship, nothing to do with hormones, depression or the way relationships change and evolve etc but because the weemen felt secure .... or rather pretty sure that their husbands couldn't be arsed to divorce them. It takes time and effort fighting in court for the hoose and making sure the kids stay with their mom without you paying for them.

I'm gonna divorce yer fat lazy ass, get a red sports car and an 18 year-old girlfriend cos I'm a real fucking catch, I had an 18 year-old gymnast 20 years ago so no reason I can't now. 

The researchers found that men's sex drive tended to remain the same. They put this down to not want to get cuckolded by another male.

So ya gotta be jealous and controlling .... did he just look at my wife, I'd better get home and fuck the life out of her.

What a load of arse juice! According to Dr Dietrich Klusmann, the lead author of the study and a psychologist from Hamburg-Eppendorf University Hospital he puts it doon to human evolution and attracting mates. So weemen get the potential partners all worked up and then when they have them they say, "fooled ya, I ain't putting that in my mouth again"  I knew it! Weeman are evil!

I got him to dump all his friends and change all his ways because I see potential in his breeding material and he shall be my slave, Mwahahahaha!  

Weemen are like vacuum cleaners, after a while they don't suck  ~ Jesus. 

What Dr Klusmann didn't say was who it was that the men wanted to have sex with. Not much of a maid but she's cheap.

Old Knudsen has had more marriages than he can remember so he's a bit of an expert so listen up all you insecure men, here is how to have a long, sex filled marriage .... if you want one.

Treat her mean and keep her keen. Constantly tell her how worthless she is and that yer this close to divorcing her, the last thing you want is to let her feel loved or secure cos then the magic dies, she stops watching her figure and never does those things that you based yer relationship on.

Here is an example of the daily affirmation she should hear. "Yer old, fat and ugly no one else will ever want you, I'm not sure why I stay married to you" she'll be sucking you off with yer favourite butt plug up yer ass in no time, she'll probably be begging you for it in no time.   

Or alternatively you can wonder does anyone really take Germans seriously? Freud was Austrian which as we all know is German (don't bullshit us) and he knew fuck all even though he is considered Father of Psychoanalysis but seriously the man was a box of dicks.

Listen to Nietzsche, " When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory."

Enough!

Me and Penny in more happy days

Ever think that yer partner is the devil? or maybe just a cunting Mud monster? well some enterprising yank has come up with restraining orders to keep away supernatural and paranormal entities for only $5 each, you receive a printed document that bars them from approaching or contacting you.

I wish I had known this when I went through that abusive relationship I had with Penny Wiseman, for she was a zombie! no not an I.T. technician a real zombie.

I'd come home from a hard day at the pub and there would be no dinner on the table, the place was a mess and covered in blood. I found part of a man's arm behind the sofa and confronted her with it, she merely snarled and snatched it from my hands and ate it. Do you know how that feels? no I really hope you don't. To be accused of imagining things and having no proof.

Not only do I think she was seeing other men but I think it was weemen, children and neighbourhood dogs.
I tried to talk to her about my feelings but she'd just lurch towards me and try to eat my brains, it was so belittling to be with someone who dismissed you like that and just saw you as a piece of meat, she wanted me for my brains but not in a nice way.

Why did we stay together for two years? you may ask, well it was the great sex. Rough, angry, animalistic sex with wrestling and biting. I knew she was getting bored in the last 6 months of our relationship when she'd just lie there like a dead body, I didn't mind but the vacant look in her eyes told me she was thinking about ripping apart someone else.

I found out who it was when I came home early one day to find her biting the milkman. I just left, well I grabbed the beer from the fridge, broke the remote for the TV and left with tears in my eyes, she had never bitten me like that.

Penny was a strange one, I think once they get a taste of yer blood they can't live without you, she only wanted me when she knew she couldn't have me, she'd jump out at me, bang on windows and leave messages on my phone like "eeeerrrrrrrrrrr" but no I have my dignity, I gave into to her once and we were together for a week before the old patterns started up again, no I was done with her and her promises of eerrrrr and gggrrrrr.

I could have done with a restraining order as Penny has never left my life since our break up, yes you've guessed it, she is now one of the heads at the back of my fridge now. I got enough of her one day when she showed up snarling and waving her arms in a jealous and deadly way in the middle of a three some I was having with the Thompson twins.

Her jealous streak shows when I put another head on the fridge shelf but I have taken back my power now. "Alba Gu Bra!"

Maybe yer ex needs a stake through their heart or a jolly good be-heading but not in a dirty Arab way.
Get yer restraining orders here


Signs that you may be in a relationship with an abusive paranormal entity are:

You frequently worry about how they will react to things you say or do
Your family and friends have warned you about them, or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being
You leave and then return to them repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family, and loved ones
You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it’s the right thing to do

You may need protection from an abusive paranormal entity if they:
Are jealous or possessive toward you (a primary symptom of abusive relationships)
Try to control you, often by being very bossy or demanding
Try to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships
Pressure you sexually, or demand sexual activities you are not comfortable with
Have a history of bad relationships
Are violent and/or lose their temper quickly
Shame, humiliate, or embarrass you, either privately or around family and friends Claim that you are responsible for their emotional state (a criteria for co-dependency)
Blame you when they mistreat you Abuse drugs or alcohol


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