How To Be Attractive To Someone Who Knows You

German researchers interrupted their plans for world domination to figure out why their wives didn't want to shag them anymore. Was it the cabbage smell they leave in the bathroom or way they farted at the dinner table and said "Guten arse?"

Why would you not want all of this?

They came to the conclusion that weemen's sex drive lessened if they were in a secure relationship, nothing to do with hormones, depression or the way relationships change and evolve etc but because the weemen felt secure .... or rather pretty sure that their husbands couldn't be arsed to divorce them. It takes time and effort fighting in court for the hoose and making sure the kids stay with their mom without you paying for them.

I'm gonna divorce yer fat lazy ass, get a red sports car and an 18 year-old girlfriend cos I'm a real fucking catch, I had an 18 year-old gymnast 20 years ago so no reason I can't now. 

The researchers found that men's sex drive tended to remain the same. They put this down to not want to get cuckolded by another male.

So ya gotta be jealous and controlling .... did he just look at my wife, I'd better get home and fuck the life out of her.

What a load of arse juice! According to Dr Dietrich Klusmann, the lead author of the study and a psychologist from Hamburg-Eppendorf University Hospital he puts it doon to human evolution and attracting mates. So weemen get the potential partners all worked up and then when they have them they say, "fooled ya, I ain't putting that in my mouth again"  I knew it! Weeman are evil!

I got him to dump all his friends and change all his ways because I see potential in his breeding material and he shall be my slave, Mwahahahaha!  

Weemen are like vacuum cleaners, after a while they don't suck  ~ Jesus. 

What Dr Klusmann didn't say was who it was that the men wanted to have sex with. Not much of a maid but she's cheap.

Old Knudsen has had more marriages than he can remember so he's a bit of an expert so listen up all you insecure men, here is how to have a long, sex filled marriage .... if you want one.

Treat her mean and keep her keen. Constantly tell her how worthless she is and that yer this close to divorcing her, the last thing you want is to let her feel loved or secure cos then the magic dies, she stops watching her figure and never does those things that you based yer relationship on.

Here is an example of the daily affirmation she should hear. "Yer old, fat and ugly no one else will ever want you, I'm not sure why I stay married to you" she'll be sucking you off with yer favourite butt plug up yer ass in no time, she'll probably be begging you for it in no time.   

Or alternatively you can wonder does anyone really take Germans seriously? Freud was Austrian which as we all know is German (don't bullshit us) and he knew fuck all even though he is considered Father of Psychoanalysis but seriously the man was a box of dicks.

Listen to Nietzsche, " When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory."

Israel Attacked

Spanish matador Israel Lancho tangled with the bull and got the horns. Sent to hospital with an 8 inch gash.
This gives Old Knudsen the horn and I congratulate the bull on a small victory.

Schadenfreude Saturday

Listen to yer da Dr Phil

There has been various rumours that Dr Phil McGraw and his wife Robin are getting a divorce and that he has cheated on her. I'm here to tell you that their marriage is 'fundamentally' sound.

I can't stand the cunt. A big Texan twat who you can just tell is a fake ex jock type. Most people with degrees in psychology don't have a clue about people I wonder how long he spent searching for his catchphrases I wonder how thats working out for him.

I can read people pretty good and this big swaggering slap head is as false as Jessica Simpson's arse in the Dukes of Hazard.

Robin looks like she has had a little too much plastic surgery what is she so self conscious about? She patiently sits and waits for his show to finish so they can walk out together to show how strong they are, is that really needed?

Lord and lady cunt and cuntess

If they do divorce that will be his $200 million career over as he can't practice what he preaches. I don't think Robin would want the alimony cheques to dry up so they will continue to put up a front.

Did you know that people with any kind of mental disorder such as Bi-Polar are not allowed in his studio audience? I don't think he does well with mental issues which is why he fucked up with Brittany Spears big time. Not a good idea to turn up with a camera crew to help people out.

Dr Phil tells the audience what they want to hear and dresses it up in home spun folksy crap, like Sarah Palin but with better writers.

Texans aren't known for their introspective side so if you tell me he is a touchy feely bloke then I'll tell you yer dumber than a cat on a hot griddle playing a banjo.

Ha ha Dr Phil yer losing yer audience as fast as yer hair.



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Delighting In Schadenfreude

Did you hear the news? No not the 78,000 dead from the cyclone in Burma nor the 40,000 dead in the earthquake in China but actual happy news. Edward Kennedy has a malignant brain tumor.

I laughed and said "buy yer way out of that ya big headed cunt" and don't you dare go on about the Kennedy curse, oh poor family with their big hooses, boats, private planes, drinking and womanising oh I feel so sorry for you all you fugly tossers, I never understood why people thought they were good looking, they weren't/aren't.

His brain tumor is the ghost of Mary Jo Kopechne the secretary he killed while driving drunk in 1969 when he crashed into a pond and managed to get out but left her there not reporting the incident.
He wasn't too worried he paid the parents $90,904 and they didn't take any legal action or even allow an autopsy. The police diver that first saw her said she was at a place where an air bubble had formed so was probably still alive for a good while.

The Kennedy's come from a dirty Irish clan who were the first bog trotters to wear helmets to protect their extremely large melons.

Ted's dad was a cowardly fuckwit who wanted to appease Hitler and it pissed me off to hear a dumb republican quote Churchill in reference to Ted Kennedys illness, how dare you sir.

Kennedy Snr lobotomised his own daughter who was a bit slow but they didn't want her to get pregnant and give the family a bad name so he hid her away for the rest of her life as she wasn't up to much after the operation .

All the Kennedys are sneaky shites, just ask the Cubans who the US trained to fight Castro but left them to be slaughtered what they think about Jack and Bobby.

Ted Kennedy is a true politician, he follows public opinion and changes with the wind. He was pro life until Roe vs Wade in 1973 then he magically became pro choice, some Catholic huh.

He supported the IRA and called for the withdrawal of troops out of Northern Ireland. When public opinion turned against Sinn Fein (AKA Fenian cocksuckers) in 2004 he snubbed Gerry Adams. Shit doesn't stick to old Teddy boy.

I'm already sick about how people are turning this wanker into a saint and hes not even dead yet. I hope karma gives it to him good, it took long enough. Wouldn't it be ironic if he died on secretary's day?

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