Who Do We Celebrate For?

I'm yer evil aborted brother back to haunt you.

So Old Knudsen was in a shop looking at the same Halloween shit they didn't sell last year and further down the aisle was the Christmas stuff ... what? It's fucken September.

Shops seem to have more of an interest in the holidays than the people do, who the fuck is thinking about Christmas? Even Santa is looking at the calendar and saying, "oh good, still 3 months to go" as he pours himself yet another gin. "fuck off you lazy fucken elves, you don't understand the pressure."

Grown ass adults did this.

Who do we really celebrate these dates for?

Halloween, to signify the end of the harvest, when the veil between worlds grow thin and the spirit world is but a touch away ....

Away an fuck. Don't forget to leave some corn out for the fairies, they love that shit .... fucken idiot Wiccans!

It's about the adults dressing up in funny gory shit and pretending it's really for the kids. Do kids really care or do they only care because they get candy?

Some passive aggressive folk use it to scare little children that cum to their house for sweets. I'm sure I'm not the only one but scaring children makes me hard ... yeah ok, maybe it is just me.

Thanksgiving is to celebrate the Injuns coming together with whitey .... just before whitey slaughtered them and took their land and laughing at their weakness otherwise known as compassion. "Hey I thought he was reaching for a weapon."

It's about stuffing yer face .... uh I mean the family getting together. People who would otherwise fight. Like the whitey and injuns.
Americans hate themselves, that's why Bernie isn't running for preez. Free healthcare, education and jobs... what the fuck, we want guns and veterans an shit. So getting everyone you don't speak to all year to sit at a table to eat, it's like masochism.

Throw in some sports and sales, just like the Puritans had.

Oh shit, uncle Edgar is on his 8th beer, hear comes his 'the problem with negroes' rant. I hope he didn't bring his service revolver with him this year. 

Christmas is about a birth that didn't really happen .... Ok then, it's about lil baby Jeebus, peace on Earth and goodwill, and maybe strange men giving babies gold, oils and spices ... I don't know.

It's really a tool to make kids behave or they won't get everything on their 3 page list. It's also an excuse to drink, buy shit no one wants and make them pretend to be grateful when you give it to them and if you had a Thanksgiving then it's time for yet more turkey .... a meat you really like so you only eat it once a year.

Well Jesus ate turkey so you should too. Brussels sprouts???? yet more masochism. Christmas is fucked up.

On Boxing day you go and fight hobos if yer British, the Americans have sales of course. Since you spend all yer money on whatever crap the kids are into, also on drink and food. I don't know who has money left over.

OMG the Refugees think they have problems, I'll be broke till February. That means I can only eat out once a fucken week.  

You don't know me but I've been watching you for months, would you go out with me?

St Valentine's day is a Fenian thing obviously cos it's about saints.  I think he was martyred for trying to fuck children or something.

Anyways if you are in a relationship you have to get the other person something, the bigger, redder and tackier the better. Send it to yer special one's work place to embarrass them as that shows you love them and yer just mad (crazy/zany) you are .... sooo original. 

Make sure you spend a heap of money but just on that day or it doesn't count. St Valentine's day is all about guilt and peer pressure. Like I said, it's a Catholic thing gone mainstream. No one does guilt or peer pressure as well as the Taigs.

If yer single on this day then you aren't allowed to show yer forever alone face so fuck off. Look, Derek sent me these flowers and chocolates, he really loves me..... what did you get?

Another Fenian thing is St Patrick's day or as the Americans call it, St Pattie's day.  Aye a whole cuntry full of retards and they have nukes .... scary huh.

The Yanks make more of a fuss about it than the Irish. It used to be a holy day to celebrate the death of St Patrick cos he was a cunt, ask a Pagan .... oh you can't cos he killed converted them all.

You wear green, get drunk and eat cabbage and corned beef for some reason. Look under yer chairs cos you get to be Irish and you get to be Irish and you get ..... as long as you wear green, drink and fight.

If only crazy cat ladies knew how much their cunt cats hated them. 

In April you have Easter which is when Jesus came back to life after being tortured to death by the Romans. It was before camera phones and science so that kind of shit really did happened. It was in a book so it must be true.    

You celebrate zombies by tie dying eggs and eating chocolate bunnies. I'm not even going to get into the whole yet another Pagan festival stolen thing.

If little Timmy isn't working on getting diabetes with a giant chocolate egg then you aren't a good parent.

Talk like a pirate day should be a national holiday. Arrgh a vast behind me hearties!

Did I miss any? I don't care. The point is that one group of people enjoy these holidays more than anyone. The people that sell Christmas trees, ornaments, shitty presents, costumes, food and drink.

You can't participate in these holidays unless you buy shit. If you say anything against them then the old peer pressure of being a grinch comes out. Lets consumer shame him for pointing out how we are manipulated into spending. I don't want to hear it I just want too feel good again in a fantasy werld, fuck reality. 

Of course a baby head for yer dog is fucken funny, I'd do that shit all year round.The next time you put up yer Christmas tree and feel all nostalgic about Christmas' past, just check yer bank account and snap, back to reality.  

Dying For A Holiday

The reason why we complain about the Ugly American aboard is because they take their Americanism with them everywhere they go. So do the Brits, and they also insist that all the foreign places they go to be fucken British too.
Unlike the American the Brit doesn't go in search of quaint culture to experience or photograph, they go for pubs and clubs set in a sunny environment. The American can just take a drive and get sun in their own country but to the British the sun is as special as Christmas is to children.

In case you didn't catch on from our loud drunken voices we're British! 

Every year the combination of drink, sun, swimming pools and balconies becomes fatal. Recently a 19 year-old Irish tourist (Irish, Scot and whatever are included as Brit for this post, same mentality)  died when he fell into a swimming pool at a Spanish resort.  

He'd checked in hours earlier and at 7pm fell into the pool and drown. When I fall into a swimming pool I um swim. Old Knudsen isn't a particularly great swimmer but he has not drown in a swimming pool yet.   

We aren't fooling anyone, there has to be alcohol involved. A Brit on holiday expects to be drunk for the whole two weeks. Relaxing by the pool .... have to be drunk. Looking at the view from my balcony .... have to have a drink in my hand. 

  

Of course many live to tell the tale and complain because they didn't take out pisshead insurance and now owe thousands. 

The Foreign and Commonwealth Office has tried to warn people. In 2012, three died and 10 others were injured by balcony falls. 

Benjamin Harper from London went to Magaluf, Majorca and fell to his death off his balcony while out for a smoke. Yes there are waist high railings but if yer pissed out of yer head smoking kills.

Magaluf has tried to enforce street drinking bans that also include outside urinating, nakedness, being bare chested and spitting .... all the things that make a holiday special to a Brit. The fucken foreign cunts trying to spoil everyone's fun. So what if a Northern Ireland girl (aged 18) performed 24 sex acts for a free drink in 2015? No one would have cared if some narc hadn't tweeted it.    

You should see what she'd do for a curried chip.  I'd totally suck a lot of dick for that.

Jake Evans lived to tell the idiot's tale. 

"I was on a balcony with a couple of friends and I did the balcony step down and I asked a guy off the balcony below to throw me a lighter. I was quite drunk, I tried to grab the lighter and I went over head-first. I woke up on a sun lounger, which actually saved my life."

Aren't we lucky? Jake will probably go on to cure cancer or something. 

I looked at the news and saw a British woman had fallen to her death from a balcony. Do these people also just fall over garden fences too?

Call it tragic if you will, you'd probably call 18 - 35 year-olds dying in a car crash tragic too and ignore the fact they were drunk and speeding ..... 'oh the reason doesn't matter think of the family grieving'  

Why should I? They didn't think about their families. Yes I have done stupid things drunk and sober but I didn't die or ruin anyone's holiday or kill my friends. Did I get lucky? Maybe I'm just better.

   Having sex on a balcony ... that is how they will be remembered. 

The Darwin awards or the thinning of the herd. If you die on holiday and it isn't from ISIS or Somali pirates then yer just a waster. 

Like all those people that die taking selfies. 

Old Knudsen does not have pity for people that go out of their way to make a problem for themselves and that includes drunken holidaymakers. Going on holiday doesn't mean that the law of gravity gets suspended just for you for 2 sunny weeks. 

David Cameron Needs A Holiday Or Three

David Cameron who just recently begrudgingly took a 10% pay rise after shrugging, "nothing I can do about it so I'll give more to charity then" and it's true, the woman at Tesco collecting for guide dogs for blind alcoholics with cancer said he did indeed put a 20p instead of his usual 10p into her bucket. 

Politicians pay may not be performance related but I'm sure they deserve £74,000 a year ....

Unlike all those lazy healthcare workers who tweeted to show Jeremy Hunt that they were working weekends .... aye yer doing an 80 hour shift but you have plenty of time to take a selfie, cut their pay stat!


Cameron also begrudgingly takes 3-4+ holidays every year and will be taking 3 this summer. You can't have the leader of one of the most self-entitled cuntries in the world getting ill from over work. I'm sure the recent election was very hard work. People say that digging ditches is hard work but you try being a politician. All that stress of hiding yer true intentions from the public can be tough. 

He maintains that he is still in charge of the nation while on holiday which makes you wonder what he does all day. I wasn't sleeping, I was just resting my eyes and wondering what public services to cut.

He just wants to remind the British public that while many of us struggle to pay our bills and see little hope in the future especially as more government cuts are being made that we are all still in this together.

Of course he plans to be in this together in Portugal. He'll also have breaks in Cornwall and Scotland but not in the shit places that normal folks go to.  


 

Tourists Warned That Syria May Be Unsafe

Britain has warned its tourists to cancel any holidays plans they have for traveling to Syria, Iraq or Yemen.
Many holiday makers have cut short their holidays in Tunisia in light of the recent attack there .... though the attack 3 months earlier didn't count as only one Briton was amongst the dead.

Syria's foreign minister said his government would focus on trying to convince London to reverse its position and have said that they done everything to protect all British interests.



Aye that would be sarcasm but seriously, how stupid do you have to be to not know that Tunisia is a dangerous place? The attack in March that killed 22 people, mostly tourists was low key since there was only one Brit and one Brit means nothing right? ..... except to her family maybe.

Even after the attack I saw tourism commercials for Tunisia. It shows you that these butt fuck cuntries that even the Americans know not to vacation in will play roulette with yer safety in return of tourist money. 

Aye Britain maybe a shit hole but stop being so unpatriotic by spending yer money abroad.