Who Do We Celebrate For?

I'm yer evil aborted brother back to haunt you.

So Old Knudsen was in a shop looking at the same Halloween shit they didn't sell last year and further down the aisle was the Christmas stuff ... what? It's fucken September.

Shops seem to have more of an interest in the holidays than the people do, who the fuck is thinking about Christmas? Even Santa is looking at the calendar and saying, "oh good, still 3 months to go" as he pours himself yet another gin. "fuck off you lazy fucken elves, you don't understand the pressure."

Grown ass adults did this.

Who do we really celebrate these dates for?

Halloween, to signify the end of the harvest, when the veil between worlds grow thin and the spirit world is but a touch away ....

Away an fuck. Don't forget to leave some corn out for the fairies, they love that shit .... fucken idiot Wiccans!

It's about the adults dressing up in funny gory shit and pretending it's really for the kids. Do kids really care or do they only care because they get candy?

Some passive aggressive folk use it to scare little children that cum to their house for sweets. I'm sure I'm not the only one but scaring children makes me hard ... yeah ok, maybe it is just me.

Thanksgiving is to celebrate the Injuns coming together with whitey .... just before whitey slaughtered them and took their land and laughing at their weakness otherwise known as compassion. "Hey I thought he was reaching for a weapon."

It's about stuffing yer face .... uh I mean the family getting together. People who would otherwise fight. Like the whitey and injuns.
Americans hate themselves, that's why Bernie isn't running for preez. Free healthcare, education and jobs... what the fuck, we want guns and veterans an shit. So getting everyone you don't speak to all year to sit at a table to eat, it's like masochism.

Throw in some sports and sales, just like the Puritans had.

Oh shit, uncle Edgar is on his 8th beer, hear comes his 'the problem with negroes' rant. I hope he didn't bring his service revolver with him this year. 

Christmas is about a birth that didn't really happen .... Ok then, it's about lil baby Jeebus, peace on Earth and goodwill, and maybe strange men giving babies gold, oils and spices ... I don't know.

It's really a tool to make kids behave or they won't get everything on their 3 page list. It's also an excuse to drink, buy shit no one wants and make them pretend to be grateful when you give it to them and if you had a Thanksgiving then it's time for yet more turkey .... a meat you really like so you only eat it once a year.

Well Jesus ate turkey so you should too. Brussels sprouts???? yet more masochism. Christmas is fucked up.

On Boxing day you go and fight hobos if yer British, the Americans have sales of course. Since you spend all yer money on whatever crap the kids are into, also on drink and food. I don't know who has money left over.

OMG the Refugees think they have problems, I'll be broke till February. That means I can only eat out once a fucken week.  

You don't know me but I've been watching you for months, would you go out with me?

St Valentine's day is a Fenian thing obviously cos it's about saints.  I think he was martyred for trying to fuck children or something.

Anyways if you are in a relationship you have to get the other person something, the bigger, redder and tackier the better. Send it to yer special one's work place to embarrass them as that shows you love them and yer just mad (crazy/zany) you are .... sooo original. 

Make sure you spend a heap of money but just on that day or it doesn't count. St Valentine's day is all about guilt and peer pressure. Like I said, it's a Catholic thing gone mainstream. No one does guilt or peer pressure as well as the Taigs.

If yer single on this day then you aren't allowed to show yer forever alone face so fuck off. Look, Derek sent me these flowers and chocolates, he really loves me..... what did you get?

Another Fenian thing is St Patrick's day or as the Americans call it, St Pattie's day.  Aye a whole cuntry full of retards and they have nukes .... scary huh.

The Yanks make more of a fuss about it than the Irish. It used to be a holy day to celebrate the death of St Patrick cos he was a cunt, ask a Pagan .... oh you can't cos he killed converted them all.

You wear green, get drunk and eat cabbage and corned beef for some reason. Look under yer chairs cos you get to be Irish and you get to be Irish and you get ..... as long as you wear green, drink and fight.

If only crazy cat ladies knew how much their cunt cats hated them. 

In April you have Easter which is when Jesus came back to life after being tortured to death by the Romans. It was before camera phones and science so that kind of shit really did happened. It was in a book so it must be true.    

You celebrate zombies by tie dying eggs and eating chocolate bunnies. I'm not even going to get into the whole yet another Pagan festival stolen thing.

If little Timmy isn't working on getting diabetes with a giant chocolate egg then you aren't a good parent.

Talk like a pirate day should be a national holiday. Arrgh a vast behind me hearties!

Did I miss any? I don't care. The point is that one group of people enjoy these holidays more than anyone. The people that sell Christmas trees, ornaments, shitty presents, costumes, food and drink.

You can't participate in these holidays unless you buy shit. If you say anything against them then the old peer pressure of being a grinch comes out. Lets consumer shame him for pointing out how we are manipulated into spending. I don't want to hear it I just want too feel good again in a fantasy werld, fuck reality. 

Of course a baby head for yer dog is fucken funny, I'd do that shit all year round.The next time you put up yer Christmas tree and feel all nostalgic about Christmas' past, just check yer bank account and snap, back to reality.