The Secret To Weight Loss

Before                                       3 years after

You too could lose LBS! Mark from Sheffield took a picture of himself after lunch in 2011 to show that you too can lose weight without denying yourself yummy food or having to do tiring exercise.  

After serving 3 years with 4 years probation for aggravated assault he made sure to take a massive dump in the evening, got a better camera with a flash and sucked in his stomach to show you that you too can get into shape with the minimum of effort. 

Mark continues his health regime at HM Prison Full Sutton after a misunderstanding when he thought that someone was staring at him.  

Secetion 3000 Cumming Soon

Rob Rhinehart says thanks for the idea Knudsen .. as he laughs all the way to the bank .. sperm bank.

Old Knudsen blogged about survival tips with his post from 2006 The Human Green Machine, if you can't bothered to click the link because yon cop show (that is like all the others) is on in 5 minutes then let me summarize. You can survive out in the wilds by living off the excretions from yer own body. I don't mean making a yoghurt from yer fanny batter.

  
Fuck that's a disgusting idea. Did she take a look and a sniff of her snatch one day and say, "I bet I could make a tasty yoghurt from that goop?" ... no no and no! Now I can't eat yogurt without saying, "I bet you love that baby" and giving it some tongue.

My post was about boogers and cum, who doesn't eat that? Vegetarians often eat sperm be it human or bull sperm bought from the local butcher, otherwise they would die cos humans need animal protein.

Scientific fact says that if you live on vegetables alone for more than 3 months yer brain starts to shrink and yer IQ decreases giving you a sense of moral superiority over meat eaters so if you know a well adjusted, intelligent vegetarian or vegan, they have to be on the sperm though they probably won't admit it.      

  
Being a health expert I have to get my product out there. It's a health drink that can replace food and supply all yer body's needs and requirements to stay healthy. Various militaries across the werld have expressed an interest in Secretion 3000 because it enhances yer system not just maintains it. They have likened it to the super soldier semen serum given to Captain America but with less muscles and no height difference.

Old Knudsen has certain quirks .... probably to do with being on the autism spectrum or maybe to do with being a fallen angel who knows? He hates having to eat like so-called "normal" people do.

Creating a drink that is more quirk friendly made sense to him. He also hates cuddling after sex and making small talk and will cattle prod you with a taser made from one of those bug zappers if he feels threatened or pressured .... don't take it personally, it's just his way.  

People have busy lives and who has time to cook these days? Also with the constant bitching about fast food ... you aren't fooling anyone, fast food may be beneath you on social media and to yer gym friends but you can't get enough of yon happy meals.

Secretion 3000 gives you health and time. I'm not saying what the secret ingredient is, hence the name Secret - ion.  The aroma and the taste has been compared to salty bitter mucus top of the line fruit smoothies but without the fruit. 

Once the British Health Food Trade Association give it the go ahead you'll see Secretion 3000 exploding all over yer shop shelves. You'll wonder why you ever ate food in the first place. It may put you off replace food for you forever.

Janet has lived off Old Knudsen's Secretion for 2 years now, well she died last Wednesday due to asphyxiation from her rubber gimp mask but up until that point she was guzzling the stuff. 

She was once over weight and bullied because of it and now was buried looking like a super model .... I meant to get a testimonial from her so I'll probably have to make one up now, selfish bitch never once thought about how to help me. When I make my first million I'll name my yacht after her cos I'm a nice person.  



 

Life Hack Licking

For years we've read reports that if yer hoose is too clean then you may be leaving yer child vulnerable to allergies, asthma and ebola because regular exposure to bacteria and microbes builds up the immune system.

Old Knudsen grew up in a home made of lead with lead paint on the walls, the ceiling was made out of asbestos and the sofa was made out of radioactive isotopes and it didn't do him any harm. We'd be given cat turds to play with and we'd only bring the soap out if we had company .... ah the wonder years, I wonder how I survived.  

Good parenting in action, no swine flu for him. 

I read on a Natural News credible medical website that vaccinations can make you altruistic so I'm glad that me parents probably either couldn't be arsed to to vaccinate me or the NHS in its usual highly efficient ways just didn't offer them ... London gets all the good stuff from the NHS like properly trained doctors and nurses and all the medicines you can eat, the more regional parts of the cuntry get the dregs and the out of date shit. No offense to all the dregs working in regional areas, it could be worse, you could be yer patients.      

Imagine an Old Knudsen that put the needs of others before himself, give me the mumps, measles, chicken pox and the clap again any day. Make sure yer own needs are met, you have to make sure that you climax cos no one else is going to do it for you, I've found that weemen get too carried away by yon multiple orgasms to worry if I've had me one and I'm done money shot.

All those do gooders who go to the Middle East to help folk only to be taken captive and killed, I bet they were vaccinated.
I did get vaccinated in the army probably with some super soldier serum, we didn't ask questions we just did as we were told and I got a jab for yellow fever after that for me Nile expedition but it looks like I didn't catch yon altruism.

A simple life hack is to go around licking things in order to build up yer tolerance to germs. Now don't go listening to those crazy ass Creationists, germs are real and not caused by witchcraft, they were actually invented by the Germans (hence the name) in 1874 as a biological weapon to conquer the world .... Those Germans are always at that sort of thing. 

If you think that licking things make you look odd and people will talk about you then sniff whatever you are about to lick so people know you are doing it with a purpose and are not some crazy fucker. 

From the land that brought you door handle licking the Japs are also into licking eyeballs. This is good if you don't want to have to wear glasses in later years so you won't catch the long or short sighted vision disease, of course the person getting licked may get an eye infection but what do you care? Caring is for idiots who got vaccinated.

Many short sighted people will dismiss this medical article blog post thing but it's their condition talking not them.

Our early ancestors never got ill as they had built up their immune system by licking and grooming others, they could also reach their own parts but now because evolution made us grow extra ribs and fat bellies we have to rely on others to get to those hard to reach spots.

Ever go to wipe yer arse and then decide it was too difficult to reach and just not bother? .... Aye Old Knudsen is the voice of the people, a build up of feces is bad for the environment as yer washing machine has to werk harder and use up more energy to get yer whites not so greyish. You could hand wash but if you can't be bothered to clean yer hole I doubt you can be bothered to take yer smalls doon to the river ..... In London they have running water .... the cunts! 

    What a shit eating grin, happy to help clean and stay healthy.  

I have contacted some medical experts to lend weight to this practice as some may dismiss this for being not socially acceptable or against the Bible, those would be the sheeple and the big pharmacy companies that charge you up to £185 or $278 for each vaccine.  It's only the wealthy 1% who can afford the vaccinations that don't include the altruism. 

Prove me wrong Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg, send me 10 million quid for me needs.

Doctors Shipman, Crippen and Mengele have all lent their support to my licking immunity theory and if you can't trust a doctor then who can you trust? You may have heard of Dr. Josef Mengele, he is famous for his baby oil salad dressing.

   Lick it good. 

I hope I have improved yer life and the health of yer family by writing about this simple life hack that is free for all to use, however to make sure you are doing it right and safely just send me 4 easy payments of  £29.99 for my instruction video called lick yer way to better health . 

I only charge as the ladies I use in the video are not cheap .... ok they were cheap but the drink wasn't free and do you know how hard it is to get cat poo if you don't know anyone with a cat? Aye Gladys suggested using chocolate but I respect the audience too much, I'm no like Clint Eastwood who insults you with a plastic baby of course I slapped Gladys for even suggesting that I compromise my artistic integrity. 

Don't forget to state if you want it on VHS or Betamax.