American Vows To Take His Cuntry Back

 Doug with his all American car.

Doug Baumhauer is an all American true patriot and he's angry. He believes that America is one nation under God and that President Eisenhower who got born again and added the 'God' bit to the pledge of allegiance should be considered a founding father .... as should Moses but that's another story. 
"Eisenhower knew that we could only trust in God ... because sooner or later the Democrats would get into power again."

Richard Nixon being Eisenhower's vice president could also be trusted.  

Doug thinks that when China hacked US computers they infected all the computers in America with a ghey virus which then got airborne and jumped to humans, hence the same sex marriage vote. He has a list of sources that confirm this story and many of them almost look like news sites and can cite people with real PhD's ..... mostly in Geography but it still counts.  

"I only use Internet Explorer as other Internet providers have been infected and I feel myself wanted to look at gay porn which my pastor says is a sin." 

He is angry too that Internet Explorer is being taken away by the leftie liberal commie scum and sees this as an attack upon his freedom. 

"We need to take this country back from non-white Christian people because I'm pretty sure the Constitution was only written by and for white Christian people. The founding fathers had to hid that they were Christian or the British would persecute them like they did the Pilgrims, you don't see any Pilgrims around these days, it was a very dangerous time. " 

Doug says he isn't racist but says that the black population is purposely out breeding the whites and TV shows and movies that have black Presidents and Generals are getting us used to the idea of being the next slave race. The census records have the black population at 13% but since 2008 Obama has set up secret FEMA breeding camps. 

Doug supports Donald Trump in the elections and asks that if Trump is wrong then why are the Hispanics on TV always gang members? He also supports the Confederate flag and says it was for freedom and independence and that slavery kept those people in a job and they were grateful as Lincoln had destroyed the US economy as he was obsessed with fighting vampires.  

He will fight to take his country back but since there isn't a real enemy and he has to keep his job or the ex will be yapping about child support he'll be in standby but ready mode. He advises to use your computers with rubber gloves and win arguments with liberals by shouting the same phrase over and over again, they can't stand logic being used against them.   


 

God Wants You To Buy Cabbage

Clarence Blackmon aged 81-year-old from North Carolina got out of hospital after months of cancer treatment to find an empty home, empty fridge, no food, not even tins of cat food (old people love that shit) and he didn't know what to do.

His wife had died from cancer in 2011 and he had no relatives nearby so he called 911.

Luckily he got 911 operator Marilyn Hinson. He said he had money to pay for the groceries and wanted  " a head of cabbage, tomato juice, popcorn, cans of beans and beets, an avocado and some Pepsi. He said, 'I don't want no diet, I want Pepsi in the bottle.'"

After being drafted into the army in 1954 he worked as an administrator for a petroleum company for 40 years before retiring.

When his wife died in 2011 he had so many bills and now only one pension and lost his home of 35 years to foreclosure in 2014.

"I thank the lord I had Wanda for as long as I did, but I miss her and our house, life is unpredictable and unfortunately it doesn't get easier as we get older."

Has he had a good run? losing yer spouse at any age is rough then losing his home that should have been paid off with him living worry free wasn't good. He's had better than some who never made it to 81 and of course he doesn't have too much more time left according to the doctors.  

Marilyn Hinson with two peelers.

911 operators hear sad stories everyday and don't usually intervene personally. Authorities are now working with a local church to help Mr Blackmon and a nurse will call on him every day. What he wants to do is get online and cause some trouble in comment sections "I'll sure burn your ears -- good or bad. That’s just the way I am."

Old Knudsen understands the need to tell people what their problem is, that becomes like a duty when you reach the 80 year mark,  ach I remember my 80th birthday party so well, all me friends were there, some wee shite tried to blow the 8 candles out on me Spider man cake but I stopped him, then I was asked to leave ... me own fucking party. I grabbed me cake and some presents and left, who gives an 80 year old Pokemon toys? .... some people have no clue at all.    

This is a sad story but it's good he was helped, the problem I have is when he or someone else says this, "I thought, ‘Jesus, you answered those prayers.’"  

Sure the desperate pray when they can do nothing else but to give Jesus the credit for the actions of some good people. Maybe people doing the right thing is just so uncommon that it 'has' to be divine intervention. 

 

God created the earth in 6 days, had his son tortured to death to make people like him and has done fuck all ever since ... well until he makes a 911 operator get groceries for Mr Blackmon. You could say he made Marilyn Hinson's parents shag and got her to get a job on dispatch, that was God's or even Jesus' doing ... aren't they the same person anyways? 

Yeah sure thing, lets blame Henry Ford for all the road deaths then and whoever invented the rope for loads of suicides. 

Aren't you pissed off that yer life is where it is at Mr Blackmon?  God is a busy man, handing out cancer and killing the Nepalese, do you really think he cares about you? 

Malala Yousafzai the gurl who was shot in the head by the Tallyban in Pakistan was flown to the UK to undergo surgery on the NHS, when she woke she gave thanks to God for being alive, I don't know if she thanked God for shooting her in the head since the Tallyban are only doing God's werk.    

 And God did say'th ... Fuck these 6 fish in particular, and so they were proper fucked. 

People give Santa the credit for gifts at Christmas and Jesus and God when good things happen to them. I only hear the likes of Pat Robertson giving God the credit for natural disasters which are God's work as Satan doesn't have that kind of power. 

It's funny how some minds work though give people in yer life the credit they deserve or you'll only have invisible sky fairies to rely upon in yer old age.  

How Do You Like Those Apples Eve?

Why don't I like Stephen Fry? Cos he's a smug, sulky, pseudo, intellectual git ... does that clear it up for you?
He was being interviewed by Irish TV host Gay Bryne ... heh, heh they are both gay. Bryne ripped off the US show The actors studio by asking Fry if he got to Heaven, what would he say to God?

Fry is also famous for being a celeb atheist, being an atheist makes you appear smart you see, even though Old Knudsen is getting as fed up with idiot atheists as he is the god botherers. 

Richard Dorkins is an atheist and he's as thick as pigs shit. Yer an atheist so you make a living talking about God. Move on and discuss something more interesting for fucks sake.

So Fry's answer to Bryne's question was similar to what Old Knudsen will do on judgement day.   

"I’d say, bone cancer in children? What’s that about?"

"How dare you? How dare you create a world to which there is such misery that is not our fault. It’s not right, it’s utterly, utterly evil."

A GIF says a thousand and one words.

"Why should I respect a capricious, mean-minded, stupid God who creates a world that is so full of injustice and pain. That’s what I would say."

"Because the god who created this universe, if it was created by a god, is quite clearly a maniac, utter maniac, totally selfish. We have to spend our life on our knees thanking him? What kind of God would do that?"

"Yes, the world is very splendid, but it also has in it insects whose whole life cycle is to burrow into the eyes of children and make them blind. They eat outwards from the eyes.Why? Why did you do that to us? You could easily have made a creation in which that didn’t exist. It is simply not acceptable."

He said that he would have more truck with the Greek gods as they never pretended to be perfect and all knowing, they were much more human. That is why Old Knudsen can relate to Loki, a god that is easy to understand because he/she is more human. The Christian god is a cunt. A total hypocrite who uses abuse tactics, "maybe if you had prayed harder you wouldn't have lost yer baby" or "hey I gave you free will so not my problem. "

Punishing everyone because of a few is not fair and is not something a god of love would do. 'God works in mysterious ways' or 'he gave yer child cancer to test you' .... Oh please! That is as tired as the 'oh the shark thought the surfer was a seal and was curious and so bit off his leg' .... yeah seals don't have fucking legs the shark was just being a cunt.  

One journalist wasn't impressed with Fry's comment and called his answer 'rather passé' he then went on to say "God granted us free will not only to do bad things but also good things – like finding a cure for cancer or caring for those dying from it" .... way to go arsehole, blame people for having loved ones who died from cancer. Well maybe if you were better you'd cure cancer, you had the free will to study medicine so it's yer fault. 

He then also blamed the Devil for bad things happening so Tim Stanley for the Telegraph, yer a shit for brains dog rimming dick! .... just saying yer dumb is simply rather passé don't you think?

If we have the power to do something about it is our moral responsibility to do so.

As I've said before, God is a product of millions of different people , all with a different idea on what God thinks, of course he's a maniac with all those voices in yer head so would you be. 

'Please God give me strength to put up with people today, no don't give strength to the starving children of Africa to help them live another day, I'm far better than them and they would just waste the strength making more babies that would starve.' 

God gave us free will and yet he punishes us for what Adam and Eve did 6,000 years ago and are you comfortable with Eve getting 98% of the blame for the whole Applegate thing? God stop being a sexist cunt and quit it with the labour pains and the original sin. I don't even like apples.

The whole Bible thing shows God as being jealous and vengeful, a rapist and a dead beat dad. He has way too many issues without others giving him theirs too. It is said that the last leaf will only fall from the tree when God wills it, in that case Fry is right to question the almighty because there is a lot of unnecessary shit we could do without. 

If you don't think so then yer a mentally stunted person who hasn't experienced enough hardships in life, the kind of hardships that happen because shit happens for no apparent reason other than bad luck. Sure you obeyed the commandments but maybe you could have done more BAM! dead family.

Explain to me again the bone cancer in children? Where they horrible sinners or was all the pain and suffering and the very short life just God's lessons? I'm sure their parents would get so much comfort from whatever excuse that God has. 

On judgement day I'll be behind Stephen Fry (I'll no have him behind me checking out me buns) and God will have some explaining to do cos whatever sins Old Knudsen has, God has far more blood and suffering on his hands .... he has a LOT of explaining to do.

 

The Angry God Of Love

God .... the Christian God with the capital G is real. Yes the white dude with the white hair and the long beard exists.
How does Old Knudsen know this? Cos Old Knudsen is fucking smart that's how. God made us in his image and white males are fucking awesome. 43 and a half US Presidents were white males and all the Prime Ministers of the UK have been white males .... yes even Maggie Thatcher and the Jewish one.

 Pride cums before a fall ... so does gravity.

It's a man's world, a white man's world. Do un-white people and white liberals take offense at that? Do you think Old Knudsen cares? The truth is the truth, even if you can't handle it. It's also a matter of perspective in many situations and may not be pleasant or feel good.
Statistically speaking if you don't agree with Old Knudsen then yer 99.9% likely to be wrong. I don't just make this shit up you know, well sometimes I don't but yer still wrong. The other .1% is for the different layers that are contained within my posts that might be misinterpreted.

The power of intent! Motivation and a positive can do attitude can make shit happen, usually because you get off yer arse and go and do it.
All those hours of praying and sending thoughts out there trying to visualise things to happen and become real actually do make things happen. They can nudge others in the right direction and make them think it was their own idea.

The old expression Careful what you wish for is something that many don't take heed in, their little brains and capacity for understanding has just their one prayer and wish in mind, not the ramifications of what will happen if their wish is granted.

 Jesus is losing his religion thanks to his cuntish dad. 

Atheists will shake their smug know it all heads as they continue to say there is no God and yet fill every waking hour arguing about God .... aye how is that working out for you?

The reason why we brainwash children to believe in this shit is because they have the power to believe more strongly and if done right and they don't question things too much they turn into an adult who still believes no matter what the truth or logic says. 

Man created God, not the other way round. In their need to make sense of the world the ancient people shrugged and said, "must be aliens" but since they didn't know about other planets or space travel it turned out to be a big white dude with magic powers so what they really said was, "must be God" ... same thing really except the chances of aliens existing is far higher than God actually being up in the clouds.
They said the Gods lived on Mount Olympus, luckily they were too lazy to go up and see.  

This is a fact!

People are stupid. In courts you have a jury of 12 peers and most do not agree no matter what the facts say. Their different experiences in life and how they perceive the world brings them to different conclusions.
Some people will buy into the current or trendy news stories about how we should hate Muslims and others will say, hold on, I know a nice Muslim who wouldn't blow anything up, why should we hate Muslims, why not just the evil fucker terrorists who happen to be Muslim?

Some will buy into Pope Francis being a good guy while others will look at his homophobic actions and past record before he was Pope and realise that he has done fuck all, just talked a lot. Then you have the people with no opinions because thinking is difficult.

   No taxation without representation or pay day loans. 

A book full of rules, laws and antidotes should be helpful right? well not if various people put it together, then it turns out to be contradictory and misleading and open to interpretation, especially if it has to be translated .  Hard to be literal when it may or may not be an analogy or may be based on events such as what the bloody Romans did 2,000 years ago that we don't know about. Why ride into town on an ass in that town on that day? Why say Jesus is a demigod yet go on about his paternal linage from King David? .... so many prophecies to ensure that every box is ticked so obviously this has to be accepted as gospel truth.

Having a saying that it's the gospel truth seems to me like a form of brainwashing as does referring to the Bible as the good book or the good news. All from the 1600's and now deeply rooted in our psyche.

So you have Millions of people claiming to know the will of God ... This God is very one dimensional and straight foreword, much like those on Jihad who have suspended their cognitive complexity in order to oppress others or do something that they know is morally wrong on a subconscious level.

You have a million people here saying that God hates fags and how they shouldn't marry or raise children, you have a million here that says their branch is the only real one to be in to be saved and a million here saying the same about theirs, you have a million saying life is scared but treat the living like shit, you have a million here saying God is love etc etc. Some of these people over lap such as the rabid Protestants of Northern Ireland standing with their ancient enemy the Catholic church on limiting the reproductive rights of women .... as well as not liking the gheys. Similar teachings on how weemen should be oppressed can be found in Judaism and Islam, lucky for childhood brainwashing because if women stopped and questioned they'd never believe .... total mugs.

I guess they must agree that men are superior, cheers love, a chicken sandwich please, turkey makes me fart.    

All this intent creates millions upon millions of personal Gods, little facets of the big kahuna up in the clouds. So God is a confused and conflicted, given to bouts of extreme rage but the odd seldom act of compassion .... if it's trendy or if you actually had studied for that test. 
The more angry his followers the less he cares. He is not omnipotent and wise because those who create him on a daily basis are not omnipotent and wise.

Even other religions with all their wise expressions are often to be found to be full of hate and violence and will manipulate their followers and dictate what they can and can't do.  Smile, kiss babies and look holy these are not these droids you are after.

The more you look into it the more you can see that the divine is as divine as the people make it. Why would an all powerful god worry about where you put yer dick, nothing better to do? Why would the almighty be so insecure that he demands you mutilate a babies cock in his name? Would God be concerned about any picture of his prophet being shown? .... No one is that camera shy.

Of course birth control is sinful, make more babies so we can out breed the sinners and give us plenty of fondling fodder.

For a being so old, wise and powerful he seems very limited to me .... like how humans are so limited.
In 2,000 years will people be worshiping Superman? What about the Hulk ... or Thor? ... lol! 

God is real because the energy in our thoughts make it so, as is good and evil for the same reasons. It's a shame that people tend to believe in the evil more strongly than they do the good. The older gods are still there but with their power lessened. A person who doesn't know every thing can't have an all knowing god. 

Why does shit happen? .... remember when I said be careful of what you wish for? If you have millions of other people wishing and even working psychically to make those wishes and prayers come true then the ramifications and consequences of all those unknown factors that our limited understanding has no way of knowing about, ripple out and touch the lives of others with billions upon billions of connections going around and around the world, never stopping.

We enlightened folk call it the big picture. 

It doesn't matter that you are a good person, bad things can happen to good people, it isn't a test of your faith, God doesn't care, he just wants yer blind obedience so he can exist.

The real God is something we can't even comprehend and it does it a disservice to even try. To know it's will is to know everything at once ... bends yer shite huh. To the universe we are like the mites on our eyelashes .

So yer religion is a great comfort to you .... well bully for you, yer helping the shitting on of someone else by yer tacit compliance .... beats the truth, who gets comfort from the truth?     

There is comfort to be had but not from the word of someone vague thousands of years ago, the comfort is in your heart right now and how willing you are to be good without the need of any threat of punishment. Some times we fail and fall but we need to try.

Understand the big picture more and how you were never the one at fault like how every said, not always anyway. It isn't all about you. Comfort doesn't come from knowing you are with the in crowd when you are dead, it comes from forgiving yourself, learning and evolving and not being a dick right now in this life in the present.  You'll be old and full of regrets that you didn't pull yer finger out soon enough and those years which are right now will be lost.   Aim a little lower people.



 
 




 
 

Heaven Found In Clouds

Scientists from the West Tennessee University of Christ say they have found proof for the existence of God and indeed Heaven itself.

After a month long expedition to find the place where Moses landed the Ark after the great flood they were returning to the US by plane and happened to notice a set of gates in the clouds. They circled the gates and got closer until a famous figure came out to them.

Newton Granger senior God spotter said, "It was definitely our lord God I'd recognize him anywhere. He came flying out very angry, shouting at us to get off his cloud and threatened to slay us and our families and friends laying waste to every city we've ever set foot in, that's the kind of thing you'd expect to hear from him so I am indeed very pleased."

Old Knudsen always admits when he's wrong .... aye he's never wrong. First there is all the stuff said in the Bible and now this. I guess the Christian God does exist, I hope he's not as pissed off and blood thirsty as he is in the Bible, lets hope he has mellowed out over the past couple of thousand years. 

I Love Larne

  

I don't really, it's the name of the show.

Larne is a town on the east coast of Northern Ireland. It's name comes from the tribe who lived their called the Laharna and once, hundreds of ships belonging to Edward the Bruce anchored in Larne Lough to begin his ill-fated invasion of Ireland. Now the ships are ferries coming and going to Scotland with cargo and passengers, Scotland is a mere 13 miles away by sea. 

Larne has also been the butt of many jokes over the years, even if you've never been to Larne you'd slag it off. People say the only good thing about Larne was the ferry out of there. 

A TV show on the BBC last week which looked at small towns came to Larne to show it in all it's glory. For some reason the council took it as some kind of attack. 

I've been to Larne lots of times, in fact 25 years ago that might have been me in yon wee boat putting out the creels. Aye I've caught crabs many a times in Larne .... lobsters too. It was a total shit-hole back then and deserved to be made fun of but today it has changed for the better. The old fellas on the show were asked about their opinion on Larne and said it's terrible now, those old farts probably don't have a good thing to say about anything .... "I just won 10 million on the lottery, not as much as 20 so I'm not too pleased."   

   

 

Then it had a load of God bothering in it. 

I've never seen yon fella with the coat, I would have complimented him on his cap if I had. He was 35, the Captain of the local rugby team and not happy in his life. Hoors, drink, drugs, sports massages in the showers, fisting midgets and hazing younger players didn't have any joy for him and so he thought about the path his life was on. 

Putting a coat on with 'Ye must be born again' was an obvious natural progression as the NHS didn't really cater for mental illness and rugby players are too manly for that anyways. He can tell the honks he gets from cars apart, you get the joyous happy honks then you get the yer a fuck wit honks, he also keeps a tiny dragon in his pocket who sings hymns to him .   

Boko Harem have killed over 2,000 people in this year alone ... but Larne needs Jesus more.

Then there was this young yahoo, he fancies himself as a bit of a preacher. Like Jesus he is a joiner (a type of carpenter) and like Jesus he is doon to 3 days a week at work which means there is more time to preach. 

He embraced the loss of local jobs as that might mean people will turn to God to pray an shit. Many seem to think God is there to give you shit and look after you but God doesn't care otherwise he'd make a bit more intelligent and interesting. 

This is who looks after Larne. 

The local council's chief executive, Geraldine McGahey runs about in her heels determined to make Larne a nice place to visit. She exudes modern energy which is good as many of her council are older men who look barely awake .... seriously guys, you can close yer mouths and breathe through yer noses, it is possible. 

Last year she stated that she was “verbally assaulted on a weekly basis” by her councilors, no doubt because she is a woman and in charge, the only female chief executive in Northern Ireland. On the show they didn't have too much to say. 

 

During the heavy snow that hit causing the loss of many livestock and cutting off rural areas the council were on it, getting help to those who needed it ... Like FEMA with bad accents and hi-viz vests.   

On the show they approved money to restore the Gobbins pathway, it's a walk around the Gobbins rocks with bridges and steps. Opened in 1901 it got lots of tourists until it's close due to the erosion of the steel bridges in 1961. 

The council seem to think that this will rival the Giants Causeway and people will come from all over the world ..... does the council ever get out much at all? It's hardly the Grand Canyon but their enthusiasm is cute. Make the most of what you have. 

Then you had Hector, a nice bloke painting rails at the sea front. He didn't like to talk too much but you could tell he was a thinker. Depression was forefront on Hector's mind and jobs like painting miles and miles of rails didn't help that much. He had lost his son 3 years previous which was the only piece of information he gave, mentioning depression a couple of times and his son told a lot. His next job would be filling in pot holes which he looked forward to as a change. 

Then there were the nice couple who bought and restored a building to turn into a hostel. Humphrey's at Rathmore House  They are Trevor and Rhonda Humphrey. Trev is Australian and Rhonda a local who didn't fit in over there so with their savings they took the chance on Larne. In the Show Trevor has to go back to Australia due to visa restrictions and tears up just thinking about it.

The religious stuff on the show was a bit too much showing how backwards and superstitious we can be. Islandmagee which sits opposite Larne is famous for burning witches in the 1700's ... not known for anything since. 

This show could have been a lot worse, they could have shown the fleggers that live there and who had a riot not too long ago but they didn't. There were some Union flags shown as Larne has always been known as a Loyalist hole .... even though they have Sinn Féin politicians but it's the fleggers who make the most noise and trouble.   

I think that the nice people shown on the show made up for the grumpy old farts smoking outside the cafe and the fucked in the head religious nuts who appear more creepy than saved. Larne has changed for the better, someday we may stop with the jibes and when we do, at least we'll still have Ballymena .... what a hole, and I don't mean the woolly ones that the drug crazed Bible bashing locals stick their dicks into.  

Old Knudsen Finds God

Do you hear that? ..... aye that was me, good arse, I thought you were dead.

When Old Knudsen was a young and vital sex stallion of a man, no I'm not talking about last week but tell yer Ma to go get tested by the Doctor. 

I was in my traveling phase going from town to town, beating up bad guys, saving the day and snogging the lass. I had me sidekick back then, Ralph the amazing brow wonder, named so because his uni-brow was so thick and luxurious that it controlled the minds and the will of others. No one means to stare but they do and before they know it their mouth is open catching flies and drool is dribbling doon their chin. 

Like a deer in the headlights, someone with no conscience could very easily pick their pockets, take them roughly from behind or sell them to a slave trader as long as the brow was there to amaze. 

So it was back when those people went mysteriously missing in the north of England, me and Ralph had plenty of money so we traveled doon to Yorkshire to confront God on how he could let all those Africans starve in Ethiopia .... is God in Yorkshire?  Well it was nicknamed God's own county and we'd looked everywhere else, me arse was still bleeding from all the prisons we searched. 

The plan was actually to overthrow God as we had made a deal with the Devil. Thanks to Satan I would be able to turn into a gigantic Hell hound and kill him. It was a sound plan. 

We searched the moors of Yorkshire, all the hills and all the fucking dales .... whatever a fucking dale is but no sign of the almighty. Man cannot slay deities on an empty stomach so we hit one of those quaint Yorkshire pubs. 

By quaint I mean old with no money having been invested into it in the past 20 years cos the only people who go there are old stingy farmers who nurse one pint all night unless someone offers to buy them a drink.    

   

 Get off my land!

Old Knudsen fucking well hates Yorkshire men, even the young ones are old with their self entitled attitudes, flat caps all thinking they know best .... no maybe I do like that, it sounds comforting and familiar, no I hate the sweaters with the built in beer bellies, the smell of dung and the ruddy complexions that have. Why couldn't Hitler have exterminate the farmers? 

The pub was full of regulars with warm moldy pints, 'oh ya can't wonder the moors, you'll get sucked down by a bog or just vanish like that lad did 10 years to this very day.'

After 12 warm pints of ale that tasted like ale does .... like flat homemade beer, it was off to the moors to find God. The full moon shone the way and it was easy to stay on the path as the locals had advised. 

Well it was, until I looked right at Ralph's amazing uni-brow, I couldn't turn away I just walked open mouthed while Ralph talked away thinking I was interested in hearing about his toe fungus collection. 

Knudsen, Knudsen, KNUDSEN! I woke from my daze my puffer jacket drenched in drool. I heard something, it was like a whoosh behind us, said Ralph on the brink of panic. 

Maybe it was a whoosh bird, I said trying to reassure him, aye whoosh birds swoop doon and steal yer eyeballs, happened to this bloke in Devon once, I had to bash his head in with a rock he was making so much noise, you know how Old Knudsen doesn't like screaming .... unless it's yer Ma of course. 

Not even my sage words could calm him, whoosh, from behind us again, then to the side, then the other side, then my backside .... blame yon can of beans I had for that whoosh, my bad but what else do ya eat when camping? 

Then all of a sudden Ralph was grabbed and swiftly dragged into the shadows, he just had time for half a scream. 

For fucks sake, he still had my pen ... never lend pens to people for they are bound to disrespect yer property and try to steal it. Oh I forgot to return yer wallet that you left on the table .... how would you like that?  

Pen thieves need to be whipped, skinned alive and ripped to pieces by hungry hippos.  Time to hero up and get me pen back, Old Knudsen charged right into the shadows, following the trail of blood. Then he saw it.

He gazed upon the face of God. Standing 8 foot tall wearing tracksuit bottoms, trainers and a dark hoodie God stood there over the mangled body of Ralph, not even his uni-brow could save him. 

So we meet at last Lord of the Heavenly host eternal. I did not find you in any of yer homes, I did not find you in prison or on the 700 club as shown on the Christian Broadcasting Network, instead I find you in an arsehole end of England what gives? 

'God does not have to explain himself to a mere fallen angel, fuck off custard fornicator.' 

Old Knudsen chuckled when he heard God speak in the third person, only a nut case does that, he did not however like his sexual preferences being mocked.  Time to change into a Hell hound and take this cunt doon. 

 

By the power of Greyskull! Old Knudsen started to transform, God stood there curious as to what would happen next as he sucked the marrow out of Ralph's bone. 

 

After what seemed like 7 minutes and 14 seconds Old Knudsen had transformed into a dread Hell hound of such ferocity that God dropped his guard and just stood there .... long enough for Old Knudsen to pounce. 

It was a battle unlike earth had ever seen. We both hit, bit and shit hard, holy blood and holy shit spraying the air. I had me spine ripped out and me throat slit but I've had worse so I kept clawing at the old deity and knew his heart wasn't in the fight ... no I had ripped that fucker out, he let out an enormous scream, grabbed my pen and vanished to lick his wounds which is why you don't see him around these days, not even in Yorkshire. 

I lay there bleeding but victorious and lost consciousness. 

   

I awoke in a hospital, they had not expected me to wake up and the pathologist doing the autopsy was really irked that he had to put everything back in .... I don't think he did put everything back in or even in the right place which is why you can only take my pulse on my erect penis .... that's my story and I'm sticking with it. I also burp farts, now that can't be right can it? 

Nurse Price was very attentive during my stay in hospital, when I was fit to leave I didn't have accommodation lined up so she asked if I wanted go stay at her place and fuck in the shower, nurses do that all the time it seems. 

The Devil paid me what we had agreed for the deal .... well sort of, I eventually grew fond of my 12 inch pianist, not quite what I had asked for and why the fuck can he only play The Entertainer? That's some kind of Hellish torment right there.

  

  

  

 

Easter Week

Sure I've watched the TV show Vikings and Game of thrones, both seem kinda blah right now. Vikings is a Canadian/Irish TV show that gives clueless people their dose of history .... except it isn't history, it's Bible history. Throw in some real names of people and places in history and make up the rest. Vikings is Game of Thrones without the midget sex.

Who gives a fuck? The show does point out the similarities between Christianity and the Pagan religion (which isn't it's name as it was given that name by Christians) it was usually referred to as the Old custom if anything.

This is my obligatory stop stealing our shit post.

Many Christians don't see Easter as being about Jesus or Sherlock or whoever, it's when you buy chocolate rabbits for some reason, hey it's what everyone does so just play along ..... The ghost of Hitler likes that you don't think too much and just join in with the crowds.

Easter is a celebration of the spring equinox and the date is set by the moon, not very Christian huh?

      Durty fuckin hippies!

Christians go on about the death of the son but really it's the sun and the cross he died on is the southern cross star constellation. You have to understand the Pagan mind set, they were very reliant on the sun and good weather or they didn't eat. The sun and the spring ends the dark scary days of winter, now they can grow things and stock gets replenished.  The more spare time they got as growing technology increases and social order gets more structured then they get stuck into the spiritual good and evil thing. 

Too much time on their hands. 

Just like with the god Conan the barbarian (who was well hung) there is a lot of mythological hanging.  The Sumarian Goddess Inanna or Ishtar was hanged from a stake, Odin hanged from a tree and of course Jesus H Christ, though the cross is far older than Christianity .... doesn't it make you wonder why Christians adopt a symbol of torture and wear it around their necks? .... because they are cunts! no no I mean because they like to be reminded of people being tortured, that's not cuntish is it? 

Hot cross buns aren't a Christian concept either, Christians don't really tend to have imaginations. 

The cross used to be a T as it represented Tammuz the the Sumerian solar god was crucified and also represented the latter Roman god Mithras and the Greek Attis and other Teutonic gods. Osiris, the Egyptian god of the dead and the underworld holds a cross to represent the end of yer life, like a grim reaper but with lots of eye makeup. 

Thomas Paine wrote in a 'pamphlet' (Ye olden day blogs) The age of reason in 1794, "The Christian religion is a parody on the worship of the Sun, in which they put a man whom they call Christ, in the place of the Sun, and pay him the same adoration which was originally paid to the Sun."

Aye what he said.  

Easter which is a corruption of the German Goddess Eostre or Ostara does of course go back a lot further. Linguistically she such cognates as Ishtar and Astarte and can be traced to a Proto-Indo-European goddess of the dawn Ausos and a bunch of others that have to do with love, war, fertility and light. 

It can all be traced back linguistically, as speech and language evolves and changes but the root is still there. Things don't just pop up from no where, who knows which came first, the rabbit or the egg? 

Whoever on the Interweb said that Loki is similar to the Spanish word 'Loco' meaning Crazy, please slap yerself. Loki is not a Latin based name you twat.  

Scientists have only just figured out that the big bang didn't just happen, there was a universe before that. 

If this is true then did people not question why Christians were using  Pagan symbols like crosses and passing off Pagan Celebrations as things that Jesus had done? 

Of course they did. The Greek philosopher, Celsus who lived in the 2nd century called bullshit on the whole thing but he was happy enough if the then Christians behaved like good people .... so much for Christian persecution. 

From the time of St Justin in the 2nd century the church leaders decided that anything that predated Jesus which was all the mythology used for the creation of Jesus, the temples and the hundreds of years of worship to other gods was obviously made up by the Devil ..... seriously that is all they could think of. 

I never want to hear a Christian slag off a Creationist Christian ever! .... yer just as dumb.

 

    
Yes eggs represent birth and rebirth, rabbits are fertile wee fuckers and the gods are created by man.

  

Now before you go crying that everything you've based yer life on is a lie and how can you be so stupid? ..... I don't know how you can be so stupid so don't ask me.

Remember that it's not about stories of super beings like Thor, Superman or Jesus, it's about you and yer relationship with nature and the universe. The 'my imaginary friend can beat yers up'  idea is just so primate and born out of fear and paranoia. 

Yes there has been gods since the dawn of man ... maybe before that. Just because many Pagans were put to the sword in the name of the new god doesn't make it the best one. 

Yer human brain is too small to think about the vastness of the universe and yer connection to it. You sit there wishing this post would end with a pile of neglected dishes that need done and you don't feel very connected at all ... unless it's Wi -fi.

These gods and goddesses are merely a way for us to relate to the universe, we invoke those gods who we think can look after us the best. We bug them with our silly concerns and still continue to pray to them no matter how many times they let you doon.   Why should they listen, why should they care? 

Lets sacrifice a goat to the gods .... the gods say, "oh great another goat, just what I wanted."

What we are really praying to isn't blokes with beards and tridents or chicks who claim not to know how they got pregnant cos all they've done is anal and it's not like spunk can drip into yer vadge ...is it? 

We are praying to ourselves because we are all divine. All of us are made from stardust we are already connected as we are to our ancestors who we share DNA with. The whole point was to wake up yer inner god, the one bogged doon by worry over the bills or yer child's future, that is who you are praying to and you don't even know it. 

Many people deny the gods or deny certain gods ... would an open mind harm you any? 

It does annoy Old Knudsen when religion and the history of gets, not presented as fact but you just know that some stupid cunt out there is going to believe it.

The Devil is in the details .... ignore it all because we don't know and can't be sure of anything.    

Except that yer a cunt.

Proof That God Exists

And God doth giveth his greatest gift to weemen.

The discovery of tiny particles or gravity waves which are ripples in space time has made a big splash in the scientific community. These waves or quantum fluctuations have never been seen before until some scientists at the south pole were able see them with this really cool telescope BICEP2.

The telescope enables them to measure the polarization of light left over from the early universe. I'm not sure who it is that is making this claim as their names have not been released though others not involved in the study have spoken about it and the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics gets thrown about a lot in order to impress you.

What does this mean? Fuck all that's what.

The big bang.

These eggheads now believe that the Big Bang didn't just happen from out of no where, there was something there first, the universe existed before the bang.

Luckily this also can be interpreted into Genesis .... from the Bible, not Star Trek II which was a fucking kick-ass movie by the way.

Well duh, who the fuck created God? ...... He didn't pop out of his own belly button did he? I wonder how big God was, maybe big enough to poke a hole into a planet and fuck it like a pocket pussy, wow what a creation story you have there.

The gods are a petty lot since this one wanted a pinky promise that you'd never worship none of the other gods before him I suppose he was a little insecure. Maybe his Da or his brother were better, more mentally stable gods.

When CNN which is as dumb as a box of dried, chapped cunts puts the big bang along with what the Bible says then Old Knudsen wonders, just who was it and from what organization did this study? 

Hawking gets all his good shit from Yahoo answers.

Fred Hoyle, who coined the term “Big Bang,” famously stated, “A common sense interpretation of the facts suggests that a super-intellect has monkeyed with physics." He didn't think that it could have occurred by random chance.

Stephen Hawking said, “It is not necessary to invoke God to light the blue touch paper and set the Universe going.” 

Cage fight!

C'mon Hoyle, knock that smart arse from that smug chair of his.

Old Knudsen doesn't believe in coincidence, though he does believe that 'shit happens.'

Jesus died for yer sins...... which was nice of him.

So, finding these waves just before Easter is an obvious sign that the Bible is true and therefore the God of the Jews, Christians and Muslims totally exists. So enough with the imaginary friend shit or saying that you just believe in a god because yer a pathetic and weak person who can't cum to terms of  this being all there is and so invents some vague afterlife where everything is awesome. 

Obviously Jesus existed right? we've been talking about him for 2000 years so he must exist. Who needs fact when we have rumour and hearsay?  

James Martin who knows 5 things about Jesus. 

I liked the CNN piece, Five things you didn't known about Jesus by the Rev. James Martin. I didn't know that the C in CNN was Christian ... did you? Maybe it's not Cable News Network maybe it's Cunts No Nothing, aye sure I'll work on yon spelling why don't I.

#1 was that Jesus was from a nowhere town, aye a little bit like how Liam Neeson is from Ballymena, people say where?
Isn't it funny how 2000 years later we know everything there is to know about some sand savage from a no horse town and most people know fuck all about their own famlies 200 years ago.

Well I think it's funny, especially since he wasn't a big deal then, I mean that he wasn't the thorn in the side of the Romans like in yon movies. If he was then the Romans would have written about him cos they wrote about everything.

#2 was that he didn't know everything. That's fucking stupid, not even God knows everything because if he did then flooding the world, the plague and the Holocaust, they would just be totally cuntish things to do, now don't go making excuses for him yer just enabling him.

# 3, 4 and 5 were just as stupid, no facts but hey we know so much about him without the facts. No one expects a US President to show his birth certificate so I doubt that anyone would expect an ounce of verification from the Bible ..... ya know, something as important as that.   

If this was a TV show these two would be demons or aliens deceiving humans into thinking they were godly folk.

I like Christianity, it teaches one to be humble, to love and accept everyone as a friend, to lead by example and to not judge. I don't like the bit where you have to molest children, that's not cool.

$600,000 in donations was stolen from Joel Osteen's Megachurch in Houston. Wow, it must be Satan or maybe some black Muslim people on welfare.

That money was probably going to go to the poor in Africa , Haiti or Tahiti.  The church immediatly grabbed it's petty cash box and put out a $25,000 reward for clues.

The Rev James Martin seems like a know it all, ask him.

So yes, God does exist because we can now measure some bits of light. Even if you didn't expect facts before handing over yer time, money and soul there is always that leap of faith .... aye that's what people say when they don't have any evidence of God.

We don't need a condom, just have faith and everything will be all right. You got pregnant and caught my 3 STD's ? well God works in mysterious ways.

It's ok to put faith into people or gods who constantly let you doon or do as they please, just have peace of mind that while you may not have won the lottery during yer life or found happiness or someone was taken away from you either violently or by an illness but you were (for the most) a nice person. I mean you were a back stabbing snooty cunt but hey you didn't kill anyone, there might be a place in Heaven for you .... I said might.