I Love Larne

  

I don't really, it's the name of the show.

Larne is a town on the east coast of Northern Ireland. It's name comes from the tribe who lived their called the Laharna and once, hundreds of ships belonging to Edward the Bruce anchored in Larne Lough to begin his ill-fated invasion of Ireland. Now the ships are ferries coming and going to Scotland with cargo and passengers, Scotland is a mere 13 miles away by sea. 

Larne has also been the butt of many jokes over the years, even if you've never been to Larne you'd slag it off. People say the only good thing about Larne was the ferry out of there. 

A TV show on the BBC last week which looked at small towns came to Larne to show it in all it's glory. For some reason the council took it as some kind of attack. 

I've been to Larne lots of times, in fact 25 years ago that might have been me in yon wee boat putting out the creels. Aye I've caught crabs many a times in Larne .... lobsters too. It was a total shit-hole back then and deserved to be made fun of but today it has changed for the better. The old fellas on the show were asked about their opinion on Larne and said it's terrible now, those old farts probably don't have a good thing to say about anything .... "I just won 10 million on the lottery, not as much as 20 so I'm not too pleased."   

   

 

Then it had a load of God bothering in it. 

I've never seen yon fella with the coat, I would have complimented him on his cap if I had. He was 35, the Captain of the local rugby team and not happy in his life. Hoors, drink, drugs, sports massages in the showers, fisting midgets and hazing younger players didn't have any joy for him and so he thought about the path his life was on. 

Putting a coat on with 'Ye must be born again' was an obvious natural progression as the NHS didn't really cater for mental illness and rugby players are too manly for that anyways. He can tell the honks he gets from cars apart, you get the joyous happy honks then you get the yer a fuck wit honks, he also keeps a tiny dragon in his pocket who sings hymns to him .   

Boko Harem have killed over 2,000 people in this year alone ... but Larne needs Jesus more.

Then there was this young yahoo, he fancies himself as a bit of a preacher. Like Jesus he is a joiner (a type of carpenter) and like Jesus he is doon to 3 days a week at work which means there is more time to preach. 

He embraced the loss of local jobs as that might mean people will turn to God to pray an shit. Many seem to think God is there to give you shit and look after you but God doesn't care otherwise he'd make a bit more intelligent and interesting. 

This is who looks after Larne. 

The local council's chief executive, Geraldine McGahey runs about in her heels determined to make Larne a nice place to visit. She exudes modern energy which is good as many of her council are older men who look barely awake .... seriously guys, you can close yer mouths and breathe through yer noses, it is possible. 

Last year she stated that she was “verbally assaulted on a weekly basis” by her councilors, no doubt because she is a woman and in charge, the only female chief executive in Northern Ireland. On the show they didn't have too much to say. 

 

During the heavy snow that hit causing the loss of many livestock and cutting off rural areas the council were on it, getting help to those who needed it ... Like FEMA with bad accents and hi-viz vests.   

On the show they approved money to restore the Gobbins pathway, it's a walk around the Gobbins rocks with bridges and steps. Opened in 1901 it got lots of tourists until it's close due to the erosion of the steel bridges in 1961. 

The council seem to think that this will rival the Giants Causeway and people will come from all over the world ..... does the council ever get out much at all? It's hardly the Grand Canyon but their enthusiasm is cute. Make the most of what you have. 

Then you had Hector, a nice bloke painting rails at the sea front. He didn't like to talk too much but you could tell he was a thinker. Depression was forefront on Hector's mind and jobs like painting miles and miles of rails didn't help that much. He had lost his son 3 years previous which was the only piece of information he gave, mentioning depression a couple of times and his son told a lot. His next job would be filling in pot holes which he looked forward to as a change. 

Then there were the nice couple who bought and restored a building to turn into a hostel. Humphrey's at Rathmore House  They are Trevor and Rhonda Humphrey. Trev is Australian and Rhonda a local who didn't fit in over there so with their savings they took the chance on Larne. In the Show Trevor has to go back to Australia due to visa restrictions and tears up just thinking about it.

The religious stuff on the show was a bit too much showing how backwards and superstitious we can be. Islandmagee which sits opposite Larne is famous for burning witches in the 1700's ... not known for anything since. 

This show could have been a lot worse, they could have shown the fleggers that live there and who had a riot not too long ago but they didn't. There were some Union flags shown as Larne has always been known as a Loyalist hole .... even though they have Sinn Féin politicians but it's the fleggers who make the most noise and trouble.   

I think that the nice people shown on the show made up for the grumpy old farts smoking outside the cafe and the fucked in the head religious nuts who appear more creepy than saved. Larne has changed for the better, someday we may stop with the jibes and when we do, at least we'll still have Ballymena .... what a hole, and I don't mean the woolly ones that the drug crazed Bible bashing locals stick their dicks into.