Old Knudsen's Lost Weekend

A reporter for the Larne Times doing an article on LDS

Do my readers know who Maureen Dowd is? she's a New York Times columnist and all round mouthpiece, sometimes she has a point but other times .... not so much. 

She went to Colorado to investigate the now legal drug culture and snacked on a marijuana-laced chocolate bar. What followed was mildly ridiculous and she wrote an article about it. 

"I felt a scary shudder go through my body and brain. I barely made it from the desk to the bed, where I lay curled up in a hallucinatory state for the next eight hours. I was thirsty but couldn't move to get water. Or even turn off the lights."

   

"I strained to remember where I was or even what I was wearing, touching my green corduroy jeans and staring at the exposed-brick wall. As my paranoia deepened, I became convinced that I had died and no one was telling me."

Dowd was harshly mocked for her column with someone writing  "Honestly, I assumed Dowd was always curled up in a hallucinatory state while writing her columns."

 

 

Then you had smooth, slick and professional CNN reporter Randi Kaye who went to Colorado to sit in the back of a limosine with a pot smoking tour, after her day of "investigating" she reported back to Anderson Cooper.

 

Everything is so much funnier now. Ah the joys of a contact high. Could you imagine the BBC sending one of their reporters over to get stoned? "They gave me some grass to which I said, you have a very fine lawn and yes, I did find that so mildly amusing that I opened the top button on my shirt and I do not care one jot ..... stand back people, wild man alert!"

Not to be out done Old Knudsen procured some weed that looks and smells like oregano but the wee lad who sold it to me assured me it was good shit which means it's good, not shit.I also got 2 craics, some fairy dust and a bottle of beat the wife, yes me benefits were paid this week. 

I also had me usual prescription pills to take, you know, the ones that make me a nice person. Since my body is a *temple* I take me pills with some Sunny Delight to get me vitamins, very important at my age.   

I couldn't figure out how to smoke me weed in yon vapour e-cigs and so I was forced to just swallow it .... bey that would taste good on a pizza, I could totally swallow a 6 incher meat supreme right now.

 

I snorted my craic (which was lumpy) and me fairy dust an got stuck into the beat the wife. Here are some of my reactions to the dangers of these substances. 

Fuck em all, if they cannae see the dangers of illegal alien immigrants then let them be taken be taken over and turned into a slave race, I'm gettin too old to save the world and it no longer gets me any pussy .... you remind me of me grandad indeed, well suck gramp's cock then and it'll be our wee secret  ......  Ka-Chow!

After drunk tweeting Nigel Farage and Hilary Clinton (she's so hawt!) I had to break open me special box of wine I was maturing for a special occasion. 2013, what a good year. 

I could tell the drugs were getting to me when I started to cut demonic sigils into me chest and calling forth the spawn of Hell, after a few wrong numbers the demon Bucon told me to stop summoning him and that he was changing his sigil because of me ..... but he was me fuckin best mate, I had to tell him I luv him. 

 

The blue bus, is calling us ..... ride the snake baby! Does the light in the fridge still exist when I'm not looking at it? I can't remember buying half of that shit in there.

Wha? that rash wasn't on me knob when I woke today, luckily I have medical people on me Facefuck list ....

Why all the angry messages? if they didn't want me to post it onto their walls then they should change the settings.

What was that noise outside? How did they find me? ..... Old Knudsen has a crossbow bolt with yer name on it ya fuckin commies ... shit, not the TV again, these things should have a safety catch, oh wait I just found it.

SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!! WHY ARE YOU HERE WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT? TELL ME OR YER DEED! oh, sorry I thought this was my hoose, well that explains the box of wine .... got any more? Sorry about the telly and don't be drinking yer milk, I had to try to reduce the redness of a rash I have.

I had to cut short my experiment on the dangers of substance abuse and how easy it was to abuse it, sooo fuckin easy, maybe I'm like a natural or something. After a quick jog I went to 24 fitness and threw some shiny pennies on the ground outside and I sat in the bushes waiting for people to bend over to pick them up. 

Wot, can hot chicks just afford to turn doon money? it's good luck if you pick it up ya know ... well good luck for me. I mostly just got blokes bending over but ya get what ya can. Since moving back from the states me spare change has been adding up. I used to put it in the g-strings of exotic dancers but ya don't get that over here cos it's sinful and the weemen have no rhythm. 

Due to a case of the munchies I had to go in search of food, aye I could eat a scabby skunk but thanks to me irritable bowel syndrome I'm barred from many places, luckily 24 hr Tesco is like me second home and handy for when I can't remember where me first home is. Shit it's Monday, when did that happen?

I'd better get going if I'm going to start me knew job as a bus driver, don't want to make a bad first day impression, I'd should swing by the drink section for something to calm me early morning nerves.

*Temple of Doom* 

Drug Mules Take It Up The Ass

 It has been a bit of a cringe making story. 20 year-old Michaella McCollum Connolly from Northern Ireland worked as a nightclub hostess in Ibiza, having fun enjoying the party life and then she vanished.

 

The newspapers were full of her pictures and people on Facebook were sharing pics of her to try and find her.
What a harsh looking bint said Old Knudsen, well lets hope shes found so I don't have to see her face any more.

She was found, along with Scottish gurl Melissa Reid in Peru arrested for trying to smuggle 18 packets of cocaine, back to Spain in their suitcases. Each gurl had an amount weighing around 6 kg (13.2lbs)

Everyone concerned about her went WTF!!! if you say 'ach sure would you rather she was found dead in a ditch?' I'm sure she would prefer that if they find her guilty. 
  

Michaella McCollum Connolly on the left has always seemed too concerned with her hair and makeup than anything else while Melissa Reid has done a fair amount of crying. Look at her smiling pretending that nothing is happening, this is her trying to look relaxed and innocent when first questioned.

I don't know how much money they were offered to do this but really, it would have to be a lot and you'd have to be pretty dumb too.
They protest their innocence and say they were forced at gun point to do it .... no I'm pretty sure they could have gotten away if they had wanted to.
They don't look particularly bright, I bet they thought they could get away .... ach it's only Peru and Spain, no one even checks the bags, we're white and fucking gorgeous, they'll lets us through. 

When arrested they starved themselves and chain smoked cigarettes, too innocent to eat I suppose.  

Has the severity of their actions finally hit them? Their lawyer was saying how they have to sleep on a foam mattress on the floor in dirty conditions and were not given any food the day he was speaking ... if someone turns doon Old Knudsen's chilli then fuck them, I don't offer it twice.

The pair were formally charged with drug trafficking and were refused bail, just before that they had given Melissa's father Billy a shopping list of necessities.

So now they want to learn Spanish, and don't forget how important it is to wax that muff while in prison ...... moisturize.
Oreos, a sports bra - size 32FF and Pringles cos once you pop you can't stop .... like drugs I suppose.

I liked the Nature Valley honey and oats bars .... no other brand right?

I think it will hit them pretty soon and Pringles will be quite far from their minds. The Santa Monica  prison they are now being held in has around 1,035 inmates, it was only designed  to hold 450.... Not Santa Monica Callyfornia by the way .... they wish.

The pair did holiday stuff in Lima and Cuzco and even posed with a police officer for a picture, the judge had to wonder why they didn't ask for help. Lets take this pic and sit around and laugh with our drug dealing friends as we live the high life.

They can face up to 15 years for trying to smuggle cocaine worth £1.5 million out of the country . I think that them being idiot 20 year-olds thought they could do anything, who knows what else they have smuggled? .... you've no doubt done cavity searches, I'd check that hair for another 6 kg.

Children huh, the things they put their parents through. I wonder if the missing persons put out by Michaella's family had anything to do with them getting more attention by the police. 

Don't smuggle drugs! If you do, don't get caught. 

   

No Surrender And No Refunds!

The UVF (Ulster Volunteer Farmacy) and the UDA (Ulster Dispensing Association) have been putting up their flags on lamp posts because ..... they can I suppose. When these criminals aren't trying to kill Catholics or trying to get votes for their political parties they deal drugs for Gog and Ulster. 

 At the moment they are dealing in green pills that has so far claimed the lives of 8 people in Northern Ireland.
What is the point of killing off the onion heads out for a fix of ecstasy?  Well they are terrorists and terrorists are all into that terror thing.
Like the IRA they don't mind killing their own people and as 5 of the people killed were from East Belfast they certainly are killing their own.

These gangs needed to be broken 15 years ago as they do nothing but cause division in the community.
The UVF have also hi-jacked the battle of the Somme which kinda annoys me because as cowardly criminals they are not fit to wipe the muddy boots of those who have served and it's not like these spides have it in them to serve.

 

They are as likely to be able to serve Queen and country in the military with honor as a fat fuck watching football on the telly has of being a footballer.

But they can put up flags and intimidate people by outnumbering them .... like I said, cowardly criminals.   
So if yer out for a party don't go buying drugs from a Loyalist, get them from the Fenians, less chance of them killing you.

Oh sorry I meant to say, don't do drugs as it's illegal and wrong. Do you want to end up like Russell Brand, an unfunny walking STD cockhead?

I Get My Kicks Above The Waistline Sunshine.

Researchers with fuck all to do used the latest forensic techniques to detect even the tiniest fragments of cocaine on a batch of 45 used Irish Euro banknotes.
They found that 100% of them had cocaine on them, either enough to have been used for snorting with or a little due to cross contamination with notes being in the same wallet as ones with cocaine on them.
As the Irish are renown for being thick they also tested some coins and found they had been used for snorting with too.
Drug crime and gang violence has increased over the last few years, no longer is a simple drunken stabbing on Grafton street ,Dublin the trendy thing to do, now people are going to Northern Ireland to feel safe.
20 and 50 Euro notes having had the greatest amount of the drug on them, which is caught on the cotton used to make them but don't go around licking money people.
The booming Irish economy has been called The Celtic Tiger, I suggest they call it The Celtic Dragon as they all seem to be chasing it.