How I Trolled Trump

Why did I come to America? Fuck my life even my shamrocks are sad.

Not able to go to the St Patrick's day parade/stagger in the centre of Belfast due to the weather I stayed at home, drinking and tweeting until I hated myself that much less. I'm old and I have a cold so I'm no going to brave the elements for something lame. It's Northern Ireland, of course it'll be lame, you'll no get Beyoncé for fucks sake ... she's an example of someone famous as I'm sure someone likes her. 

Trump met with the Irish Prime (Tee-Shock in gheylick) Minister Enda Kenny. He quoted an old Irish proverb which as it turned out was a verse from a poem by a Nigerian poet. He then put up on Twitter a slideshow of his Kenny meeting with Amazing Grace being played on the bagpipes. 

 I'm a leprechaun!

Americans are fucken useless at being Irish, they confuse Irish, Scotch and Scottish all the time. Most of them claim Irish ancestry but don't know from which part of Ireland. Imagine telling a Texan yer from California, how unimpressed would they be?  

We're tribal and surnames and clans are important. We don't hold kinship with those fucken hobbits in the next shire, those lot are cunts! We are that western saloon that comes to a halt when a stranger walks in. 

Amazing Grace is an English song and Irish Uilleann pipes sound different to bagpipes. Plot twist, we don't eat corned beef and cabbage either. St Paddy's day is an excuse to drink ... not that we need an excuse but it lessens the self imposed guilt and denial of being alcoholics. 

It used to be holy to yon Fenian cocksuckers but now it's a partay! If you are sober then you aren't Irish.  

So yes I mercilessly trolled Trump. He is much hated in Ireland so I reckon this is the last time that Kenny will ever get elected. He is obviously hated in Scotland too. I suppose to us Americans being Irish is like white folk talking about their Cherokee heritage, unless you have the papers and know the family tree then most native Americans will roll their eyes. 

Yeah you wear a war bonnet for the fancy dress party just like all the real injuns do huh. Oh sorry, we call them indigenous savages now to be PC. 

   

Trump doesn't have friends in Ireland. If anyone likes him here then they are very drunk pedos and probably need a boot in the balls. 

In case you don't speak the gheylick I told him to suck my dick.  

 

Rats In Space

Bob Geldof  the 61 year-old has said, 'fuck the Africans and will be shot into space.  Well he'll really just fly 64 miles above the Earth’s surface in a two-person Lynx Mark II spaceplane.

He'll be 2 miles into space, but is that enough? Can we not send him to Mars or somewhere? Geldof will be the first Irishman in space, what if he makes first contact with an alien? ..... that would really piss off the Orange Order, "them uns get everything, what did he say to them about us?"

Not like they would be able to understand him as he munches on space potatoes and drinks pints of space beer. 

"Hello Mr Alien, I'm Sir Bob Gelfdof a great hero and superstar from the planet Earth, can you help feed the poor?"

I would be happy to feed off your poor .... nom nom nom.   

Smell Me I'm Irish

We all have to do things that aren't pleasant , things we would really not want to do, but thats enough of yer Ma!

The reader of this blog should know whats happening in Old Knudsen's life but I'll remind him/her/it about my future events cos blog readers have the attention span of an American child.

Oh lordy nice cold water with yer white muffins of love begging Old Knudsen to take a bite.



What was I saying? um oh yeah pay attention ya ADHAD fuckwits or you'll taste the tip of me bayonet.
Old Knudsen had to bribe a few Irish officials with some bags of spuds in order to jump the 50,000 back log at the Irish passport office.

Maybe ya should get some connections and lean on a few important bog trotters. Lines and back logs are not for Old Knudsen he is the front of the line kinda guy. If you take yer turn in America you get branded a Socialist, well they really mean Communist but Yanks aren't too bright, too much Foxy news watching, which is like listening to Ben Affleck on who to vote for.


Its official I'm now a muck savage. I had to prop it open with the mag from me rifle that killed 400 Bosche at the battle of little big man during the Cold war as the passport was as stiff as Old Knudsen when he wakes up everyday.


So fuck ye all ya Plastic Paddies and 2nd Class Brit wanna be's , you can dye yer hair and watch Celtic woman while you claim yer grandfather was Irish ............ from Chicago on his Granada's side and you don't know which part of Ireland.

Old Knudsen is the real thing or 'ting' as they say in gheylick. In order of importance I now have a Scottish passport that refuses to be stamped by the English, an Ulster passport that says "No Surrender"when opened but is very insecure about its identity and so lashes out in tantrums, a British passport that wants nothing to do with the other ones and now an Irish one that is lazy as fuck and smells like pish, no wait maybe that smell is cumming from me. I have sent my money away and will soon have a Nigerian passport as a sort of retreat plan if necessary.


Here is my stock pile of weapons which I will destroy/sell on E-bay if the British government pays me one million pounds, none of those Euro things as I don't believe them to be real money.

No seriously pay for my plane ticket or I'll have to blow something up and get deported, my motherland is calling me, "Oh oh the green fields and rolling hills, where I first set eyes upon me sweet Eileennnnnn"

See whats happening I'm singing songs about Ireland ignoring all its third world (turd world in gheylick) short cummings.

Next I'll be getting drunk, swearing a lot and picking fights .............. no really its almost noon time to get started.



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A Tender Deep Fried Sign

Of course there is no sign of Old Knudsen's Irish passport its being held up by terrorists no doubt who see me as a threat maybe they are intimidating the workers to strike though its not like the Irish need any excuse not to work, when the ancient Irish went to Scotland and bred with the sheep only then did they get a good work ethic and less beady eyes............. dirty Irish sheep shaggers.

I have been in this cuntry of America for longer than I had planned but since over there in Norn Iron there is snow and power cuts maybe its just as well.

The Gogs love to tease Old Knudsen with signs and omens. White rabbits, roadkill raccoons and now this.
While having a happy meal (don't mock, the fucking dragon lights up its cool) I got a nugget that looks like the Isle of Destiny itself.

The nugget has more nutritional value than the real thing and isn't so greasy.

Old Knudsen only had a three piece Happy meal that day. I got on the Interweb and put the thing up on E-Bay like you do.

It was bought for $25 by someone called Ian Paisley jnr who is buying it for his aging father so he can separate the north and south once and for all before he dies, a lovely gesture Old Knudsen thought.

Old Knudsen is not the only one disillusioned, disappointed and disgusted by what he has experienced with America.


Its you not me, imagine going back to a cuntry thats a war zone for a better life, fuck it must really be bad in Mexico if they see this as a step up.

The sooner I get out the better, I was watching Fox news and they said America was turning into Russia with all this socialised medicine, its true I saw a 'Smoke shop' as they call them and on one of the posters was the word 'Kool' and we all know the Russians use 'K' instead of 'C' Old Knudsen is too old for a Gulag again I won't feel safe until I hear an explosion and an Irish accent saying "Fock me fingers are gone" .


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Gheylick

See yesterdays post for what Old Knudsen is up to. Begorra and jesus wepted so he did.

I Want To See My Lucky Charms Bouncing On Yer Chin

I don't talk about my Irish roots much but its Irish blog awards time again and it seems I'm longlisted for 3 awards. I come from the kingdom of Dalraida in the north which was formed by the true Irish, not the dirty protest, bog trotting type of today.
When the Milesians invaded from Gaul the real Irish (Tuatha De Danann) effected by falling property prices with all the dirty foreigners moving in went over to Scotland to fight and fuck the Picts who were quite hot.
I laugh when people go on about being Irish, yer just a pale imitation my shite comes out green for fucks sake, my piss has blood in it but that's another story.

I drink to excess every day whether I want to or not and a plate of potatoes arouses me sexually and my arse is so white it glows.

I wish the other so-called Irish bloggers with their weak blogs good luck and I wish myself just a wee bit extra good luck.

Old Bitter Balls has been longlisted for Best Blog .............. of course it is but as usual genius doesn't get recognised until long after death.

OBB News frank fearless free, is also up for Best Blog ............. I wouldn't say its the best just better than the rest.

'Al Qaeda fights ratings war' on OBB News for Best Blog post .............. I've done better, no one threatened legal action on this one.

Good luck to all involved including, Ellie, Manuel, Bock, Swearing Lady, Primal Sneeze, Medbh, Annie Rhiannon, Fatmammycat and Twenty(win all the awards)Major. I didn't put links in my post to you all in case it helped yer cause.



Latest OBB News Up-Dates

I Get My Kicks Above The Waistline Sunshine.

Researchers with fuck all to do used the latest forensic techniques to detect even the tiniest fragments of cocaine on a batch of 45 used Irish Euro banknotes.
They found that 100% of them had cocaine on them, either enough to have been used for snorting with or a little due to cross contamination with notes being in the same wallet as ones with cocaine on them.
As the Irish are renown for being thick they also tested some coins and found they had been used for snorting with too.
Drug crime and gang violence has increased over the last few years, no longer is a simple drunken stabbing on Grafton street ,Dublin the trendy thing to do, now people are going to Northern Ireland to feel safe.
20 and 50 Euro notes having had the greatest amount of the drug on them, which is caught on the cotton used to make them but don't go around licking money people.
The booming Irish economy has been called The Celtic Tiger, I suggest they call it The Celtic Dragon as they all seem to be chasing it.