Sunday, 20 April 2014

Like Bunnies I Tells Ya

While you tell the kids that Easter is about Jesus and how if they don't do as you tell them with yer wee secrets they'll burn in Hell ... Old Knudsen is here to remind you that yer wrong.

Leave the kids alone you religious fucks and have some adult time, what is it with the followers of yon God that makes you do shit to kids, oppress weemen and bash gheys?

Islam, Judaism and Christianity have made it their business to keep the woman doon, maybe diddling the kids is a part of that.

Turn ye away from yer sinful life and return to the old ways of nature. You may live in a concrete box but nature is within and all around you, embrace it ya fuck wad.   

Eat an apple if you want, ain't no one gonna say that an apple or that piece of cheesecake will cause you to damn all of humanity.

What kind of freaky control shit do they have going on .... worse than the Scientologists.

I don't understand all that you've been sinned, no wait someone got tortured for yer sins, ach it all sounds fucked up.

It's Easter, a time of fertility and re-birth so get together with some like minded adults and get some sex magic going on. Fuck for a brighter future.

Don't listen to the false prophets and two faced shites, they'll get theirs.

Saturday, 19 April 2014

25 Reasons Why Northern Ireland Is The Best Place In The World To Live

Couldn't think of one reason at all since this is a woman hating, ghey bashing, touchy, paranoid as fuck, man-child enabling, primitive, tag-nut on the arse of Britain so here are just a few odd things about Northern Ireland and the behaviour of it's people.    

When the sun comes out so do the young and almost attractive people, you may even see a smile or two as they sit on some grass.

The only other time that people smile is when drunk but that doesn't last too long as the compulsory fight has to take place ..... You lookin at me? you got a problem?

If the sun comes out and the temperature gets above ball freezing you're bound to see some skinny white legs in shorts, flip flops too if yer lucky.

Someone is bound to spoil things with taps aff! There is a reason that Northern Ireland people should  stay covered up. 

If the sun breaks cloud cover for more than 12 seconds then this happens. In a cuntry full of pasty white people do you know how hard it is to get sun block with a decent sun protection factor? ... the answer is very, however there are tons of oils to help you cook and age yer skin.... as if the drinking, smoking and not smiling hasn't aged you enough. 

 This lass is only in her 20's.

When the sun comes out you'll see all the middle aged and older men in their convertibles. I wondered why they bought those rather than a solid roof that kept out the cold and the rain, just so their thinning hair can blow in the breeze for 25 minutes a year.  No we aren't looking at you, we're shielding our eyes as the sun bounces off yer shiny domes.

When the sun comes out, drivers go crazy .... it's a lovely sunny day, what cars? I see no other cars.

On the flip side, if it snows half an inch the whole cuntry goes into lockown and panics.... Armageddon!!!!  

Builders who have done fuck all throughout the rest of the year decide to do all the building during the winter.
We're going to replace yer heating system and double glaze yer windows, after they dismantle everything they have to go home because it's too cold to work .... who could have foreseen that? We'll have you fixed by Wednesday ..... they never tell you what Wednesday. 

When the snow or hint of snow happens, those (probably the convertible dudes) all seem to have rugged trucks to get their shopping in with..... how big are their fucking garages to have a vehicle for each season?

The two main conversations yer bound to overhear are people discussing just how incapacitated thanks to the copious amounts of alcohol imbibed they had become and what a great hangover they had the next day, oh and of course the weather. There is a very valid reason the Aussies call the British whinging poms.  Wah wah wah, it rained today and wah wah wah it might rain later.

Someone is always watching you, not because of some sexy time attraction but to figure out who and what you are or if you are looking at them. Think of a cuntry full of mouthy Jason Bournes but without the deadly skills.

She misses nothing but if she sees a crime she'll never call the peelers .... because.


The police are nothing more than mall cops. Arm yerself for fucks sake. Car-jacking is big in the news right now. How shocked the people are that this is happening, yep no one ever taught them to lock their doors when in their cars and it never occurred to them to do so, "blessed be the simple folk for they shall be my food during the Zombie Apocalypse" ~ Jesus.  

If you ever need to put someone in their place here and make them feel the shame for mentioning the myriad of faults Northern Ireland has you will be told, "People in Africa would love it" aye they'd love to have someone talk doon to them and give them poor customer service, who wouldn't love that?
Well give it to them. You do know that those fuckers in Africa can actually tie shoe laces and send you spamming e-mails asking for money from their smart phones, some can mimic being almost human looking at times. They aren't all cutting up albino people for witchcraft purposes.

On the plus side some of Game of Thrones does get filmed here, I can tell you where yer man got his dick cut off and where King Joffrey died from drinking an 'off' pint of beer. Of course it doesn't look like Northern Ireland on screen, haven't seen any paramilitary murals yet.  

Friday, 18 April 2014

Game Of Dicks

The king is dead, long live the ..... Queen regent who shags her one handed brother, why did Old Knudsen never have a sister like that?

Who killed King Joffrey?  Yon cool midget dude?  Henry the mild mannered janitor? .......... could be.

I think the main suspect is the knight turned fool, Dontos Hollard as played by Tom Hardy. What do you mean you didn't recognize him in Game of Thrones?

That's because Hardy stopped dieting and working out then got pummeled by a cage fighter in order to submerse himself into the role. He also calls himself Tony Way but I don't think he's fooling anyone. 

They kill off the Starks and now Joffrey, you'd think this was real medieval history the way they are doing things.
We need more happy endings in Game of thrones, naked hot chick/midget sex happy endings.

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Easter Week

Sure I've watched the TV show Vikings and Game of thrones, both seem kinda blah right now. Vikings is a Canadian/Irish TV show that gives clueless people their dose of history .... except it isn't history, it's Bible history. Throw in some real names of people and places in history and make up the rest. Vikings is Game of Thrones without the midget sex.

Who gives a fuck? The show does point out the similarities between Christianity and the Pagan religion (which isn't it's name as it was given that name by Christians) it was usually referred to as the Old custom if anything.

This is my obligatory stop stealing our shit post.

Many Christians don't see Easter as being about Jesus or Sherlock or whoever, it's when you buy chocolate rabbits for some reason, hey it's what everyone does so just play along ..... The ghost of Hitler likes that you don't think too much and just join in with the crowds.

Easter is a celebration of the spring equinox and the date is set by the moon, not very Christian huh?

      Durty fuckin hippies!

Christians go on about the death of the son but really it's the sun and the cross he died on is the southern cross star constellation. You have to understand the Pagan mind set, they were very reliant on the sun and good weather or they didn't eat. The sun and the spring ends the dark scary days of winter, now they can grow things and stock gets replenished.  The more spare time they got as growing technology increases and social order gets more structured then they get stuck into the spiritual good and evil thing. 

Too much time on their hands. 

Just like with the god Conan the barbarian (who was well hung) there is a lot of mythological hanging.  The Sumarian Goddess Inanna or Ishtar was hanged from a stake, Odin hanged from a tree and of course Jesus H Christ, though the cross is far older than Christianity .... doesn't it make you wonder why Christians adopt a symbol of torture and wear it around their necks? .... because they are cunts! no no I mean because they like to be reminded of people being tortured, that's not cuntish is it? 

Hot cross buns aren't a Christian concept either, Christians don't really tend to have imaginations. 

The cross used to be a T as it represented Tammuz the the Sumerian solar god was crucified and also represented the latter Roman god Mithras and the Greek Attis and other Teutonic gods. Osiris, the Egyptian god of the dead and the underworld holds a cross to represent the end of yer life, like a grim reaper but with lots of eye makeup. 
Thomas Paine wrote in a 'pamphlet' (Ye olden day blogs) The age of reason in 1794, "The Christian religion is a parody on the worship of the Sun, in which they put a man whom they call Christ, in the place of the Sun, and pay him the same adoration which was originally paid to the Sun."

Aye what he said.  

Easter which is a corruption of the German Goddess Eostre or Ostara does of course go back a lot further. Linguistically she such cognates as Ishtar and Astarte and can be traced to a Proto-Indo-European goddess of the dawn Ausos and a bunch of others that have to do with love, war, fertility and light. 

It can all be traced back linguistically, as speech and language evolves and changes but the root is still there. Things don't just pop up from no where, who knows which came first, the rabbit or the egg? 

Whoever on the Interweb said that Loki is similar to the Spanish word 'Loco' meaning Crazy, please slap yerself. Loki is not a Latin based name you twat.  

Scientists have only just figured out that the big bang didn't just happen, there was a universe before that. 

If this is true then did people not question why Christians were using  Pagan symbols like crosses and passing off Pagan Celebrations as things that Jesus had done? 

Of course they did. The Greek philosopher, Celsus who lived in the 2nd century called bullshit on the whole thing but he was happy enough if the then Christians behaved like good people .... so much for Christian persecution. 

From the time of St Justin in the 2nd century the church leaders decided that anything that predated Jesus which was all the mythology used for the creation of Jesus, the temples and the hundreds of years of worship to other gods was obviously made up by the Devil ..... seriously that is all they could think of. 

I never want to hear a Christian slag off a Creationist Christian ever! .... yer just as dumb.
Yes eggs represent birth and rebirth, rabbits are fertile wee fuckers and the gods are created by man.
Now before you go crying that everything you've based yer life on is a lie and how can you be so stupid? ..... I don't know how you can be so stupid so don't ask me.

Remember that it's not about stories of super beings like Thor, Superman or Jesus, it's about you and yer relationship with nature and the universe. The 'my imaginary friend can beat yers up'  idea is just so primate and born out of fear and paranoia. 

Yes there has been gods since the dawn of man ... maybe before that. Just because many Pagans were put to the sword in the name of the new god doesn't make it the best one. 

Yer human brain is too small to think about the vastness of the universe and yer connection to it. You sit there wishing this post would end with a pile of neglected dishes that need done and you don't feel very connected at all ... unless it's Wi -fi.

These gods and goddesses are merely a way for us to relate to the universe, we invoke those gods who we think can look after us the best. We bug them with our silly concerns and still continue to pray to them no matter how many times they let you doon.   Why should they listen, why should they care? 
Lets sacrifice a goat to the gods .... the gods say, "oh great another goat, just what I wanted."

What we are really praying to isn't blokes with beards and tridents or chicks who claim not to know how they got pregnant cos all they've done is anal and it's not like spunk can drip into yer vadge it? 

We are praying to ourselves because we are all divine. All of us are made from stardust we are already connected as we are to our ancestors who we share DNA with. The whole point was to wake up yer inner god, the one bogged doon by worry over the bills or yer child's future, that is who you are praying to and you don't even know it. 

Many people deny the gods or deny certain gods ... would an open mind harm you any? 

It does annoy Old Knudsen when religion and the history of gets, not presented as fact but you just know that some stupid cunt out there is going to believe it.

The Devil is in the details .... ignore it all because we don't know and can't be sure of anything.    

Except that yer a cunt.

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

How To Be Attractive To Someone Who Knows You

German researchers interrupted their plans for world domination to figure out why their wives didn't want to shag them anymore. Was it the cabbage smell they leave in the bathroom or way they farted at the dinner table and said "Guten arse?"

Why would you not want all of this?

They came to the conclusion that weemen's sex drive lessened if they were in a secure relationship, nothing to do with hormones, depression or the way relationships change and evolve etc but because the weemen felt secure .... or rather pretty sure that their husbands couldn't be arsed to divorce them. It takes time and effort fighting in court for the hoose and making sure the kids stay with their mom without you paying for them.

I'm gonna divorce yer fat lazy ass, get a red sports car and an 18 year-old girlfriend cos I'm a real fucking catch, I had an 18 year-old gymnast 20 years ago so no reason I can't now. 

The researchers found that men's sex drive tended to remain the same. They put this down to not want to get cuckolded by another male.

So ya gotta be jealous and controlling .... did he just look at my wife, I'd better get home and fuck the life out of her.

What a load of arse juice! According to Dr Dietrich Klusmann, the lead author of the study and a psychologist from Hamburg-Eppendorf University Hospital he puts it doon to human evolution and attracting mates. So weemen get the potential partners all worked up and then when they have them they say, "fooled ya, I ain't putting that in my mouth again"  I knew it! Weeman are evil!

I got him to dump all his friends and change all his ways because I see potential in his breeding material and he shall be my slave, Mwahahahaha!  

Weemen are like vacuum cleaners, after a while they don't suck  ~ Jesus. 

What Dr Klusmann didn't say was who it was that the men wanted to have sex with. Not much of a maid but she's cheap.

Old Knudsen has had more marriages than he can remember so he's a bit of an expert so listen up all you insecure men, here is how to have a long, sex filled marriage .... if you want one.

Treat her mean and keep her keen. Constantly tell her how worthless she is and that yer this close to divorcing her, the last thing you want is to let her feel loved or secure cos then the magic dies, she stops watching her figure and never does those things that you based yer relationship on.

Here is an example of the daily affirmation she should hear. "Yer old, fat and ugly no one else will ever want you, I'm not sure why I stay married to you" she'll be sucking you off with yer favourite butt plug up yer ass in no time, she'll probably be begging you for it in no time.   

Or alternatively you can wonder does anyone really take Germans seriously? Freud was Austrian which as we all know is German (don't bullshit us) and he knew fuck all even though he is considered Father of Psychoanalysis but seriously the man was a box of dicks.

Listen to Nietzsche, " When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory."

Monday, 14 April 2014

Waiting For Ragnarok

 Fucking birds, I'll show you angry, I'll show you yer doom!

Sooo post number 3351 ..... I'm running out of ideas, lets talk about our feelings. Old Knudsen feels unappreciated, let doon, betrayed, alone and maybe his Da could have hugged him more, oh and Old Knudsen's pussy is bleeding ..... fuck I hate cats.

Away an fuck, Old Knudsen is as cold as a forgotten about cup of tea, feelings are for the weak, snap out of it!
What happened with yon Ragnarok experts who said the world would end on 22nd February 2014? fuck all happened. There was a meteorite explosion over Arkansas and some floods in England but no Wolf named Skoll devouring the sun nor did Fenrir the wolf break free from his invisible chains . The winter wolf Hati did not eat the moon.

 I'm freeeee!
No wolves at all as far as I remember. Jormungand the world serpent did not battle Thor causing the seas to bubble and churn. Fenrir did not fight Odin, finally swallowing him then was beat to death by Odin's son Vidar.  Lots of swallowing, wrestling with snakes and beating the wolf ..... sounds more like Pentecostal than Norse. 

The gigantic hound Garm didn't fight a one handed bloke named Tyr, to the death. The giant Surt did not go around flinging fire like a monkey with a handful of it's own feces. The earth didn't sink and burn with brother fighting against brother and all morality gone.

No wait, that was a Saturday. I had this lovely lass over for tea and chess, no morality in sight on that night ..... Ka - Chow! 

A couple of deep water Oarfish washed up in Callyfornia , nothing for Snorri Sturluson to write home about. 
Yes all of that was no doubt a disinformation exercise paid for by Heinz who as I've told you before spread rumours of the end of the world so people stock up on cans of beans. 

Old Knudsen is onto them, Secretary of State John Kerry going around the world with his wife Teresa Heinz Kerry .... aye of the bean fame bringing the world to the brink of WWIII just to sell beans. 

Last week Old Knudsen went on the attack via the Hoose of Lords. He got his pal Labour peer Viscount Simon to ask about the impact human baked bean emissions are having on climate change.

Aye that'll shake you up, if I said about the end of the world stocking up that would just sound crazy and who would take that seriously? even though it's true! 

The UK has the largest production and consumption of baked beans in the world, not because we love the taste but because we're paranoid fuckers, oh and we're lazy and hate our kids, when yer children are nagging you to get out of bed cos they want dinner or something cuntish like that you can just throw a can at them ...... dinner sorted and if you hit them you'll get something to smile about.