Wednesday, 4 May 2016

Being A Cunt Is A Part Of God's Plan

It's lucky for you that so far I've always won at Russian roulette because where would you go for moral guidance? When you don't know the answer you know that unless I'm dead with a gunshot wound to the head or haven't made bail yet you can always come to Old Knudsen to light yer way. They used to call me the light bringer back in the good old days .... they also called me pissy pants and octopus hands but we won't go into that.

I don't just get my knowledge from the classics like Chick soup for the soul or The art of the deal I also have experienced older classics like Dickens and Steve Jane Austin in fact I've often watched those movies twice and the re-makes too. I know Shakespeare too or The Bard as we call him, like Bruce Springsteen's The Boss but old Will doesn't make faces like he's constipated, aye I saw Shakespeare in Dr Who and when he fell for Gwyneth Paltrow.

To be Scooby dooby doo to not to be .... zoinks is the question.

   Boy, gurl, whatever, I'm having you. I'll put me salty goodness in yer pepper pots.

I'm a total reconnaissance man, a man fer all seasons but me hip gives me jip when it gets cold. That whole transgender using restrooms things is wrong. When I'm in a stall pushing out a delivery of muddy puddle water and sweet corn I don't want to think about some hot chick in the next stall urinating.

What man would want to share a restroom with this?    

I'm sure the ladies don't want this in their restrooms. 

It says explicitly in the Bible that a restroom is between a man and a woman. Remember when Jesus found Mary Magdalene in the men's room because the ladies had a line, he got so angry he punched the hand dryer off the wall and over tuned the urinal cakes. God may be a fictional being designed to help you from feeling pathetic and lonely and that you actually matter but he cares about who poops and where. 

Fuck famine and poverty, this has to be dealt with. I suggest getting a colostomy bag to avoid being offended.

  Should filthy red skins Native Americans even have "land rights?"

Senator John McCain is backing Hillary for preez .... she doesn't need it as she already has it in the bag. Prove me wrong Americans, vote for Trump and see Hillary still winning it. I was at the almost secret  Rothschild/Bilderberg group meeting in May of 2014 held in Broughshane which is near Ballymena. There was a astrological convergence overhead at the time and finding a virgin to sacrifice was near impossible, what a crazy night, we had to get one in from Eastern Europe for fucks sake.  

Trump said that McCain is only famous because he is a loser that got captured during the Vietnam war, you know, the one that America lost to gooks with pointed sticks. I'm sure saying that has nothing to do with McCain backing Hillary. 

As usual Trump is right. You had one job to do McCain, bomb the fuck out of civilians and anyone else then fly back for a cup of Joe and relax.  

Why do we have remembrance days? Fucken losers ya failed! Ya got killed. You don't have special days in honour of the Wal Mart sales assistant that refused to go to the back to look to see if they had anymore of that item. You don't see monuments to the unknown worker because you can't find one to reach the top shelf and they don't have inscribed on them, 'if it's not out then we don't have it' you don't celebrate the surgeon when they kill off patients because their golfing just won't wait. 

Too much mind blowing logic for ya? 

How about this. The Pope worships Satan. He only took in less than 20 Syrian refugees not out of compassion but because 1) they won't be missed when he drains then dry and 2) good help is so difficult to get these days. The Vatican treats its followers like shit but these outsiders can be whipped for the sake of their heathen souls .... even if they did convert for a free bed.
He could sell off one of his golden upside down crosses and house a few families for life. You ask 'well how many have you taken in?'  and I'd reply thousands more than him if I had his multi billion industry at my command.  The road to Hell is paved with good intentions so this was obviously him doing some road werk. 

23 people in the US have been shot dead by toddlers this year ... and it's only May. Never mind a war on drugs it's the kids we have to destroy. Bill Gates had the right idea releasing those Zika virus laden mosquitoes onto the werld but seriously the children are vicious. 

I'm no blaming the parents, it's in the constitution that children should be given guns. In my day at the age of seven we'd go out at night and kill a Helot, that was people owned by the state who would kindly werk for free .... aye they were different times back then but now kids are born knowing how to use a Smart phone and to shoot people. 

23 is a good number, in Pakistan 23 people have been poisoned when they ate contaminated sweets. The people that made the baked confectionery accidentally put pesticide in. Like you do. Barney taught me that it was good to share but you must also look at their faces and wait for any reaction. I'm no saying I'm paranoid but I bet you lot are saying it to all yer friends. 

You dinnae cum here for the grammar so who the fuck sent you? 

If the sweets don't kill you in Pakistan then Obama will. In 2009 his first drone strike leveled a hoose in Pakistan killing 10 militants .... well it turned out to be 9 civvies and the lone survivor a 14 year-old boy had stomach wounds, a fractured skull and lost and eye. Ach wee Fahim Quresh lived in Pakistan and so was probably going to be a terrorist anyways .... or at least after the US killed his family. 

They did another strike that day killing 5 - 10 civilians. I assume Obama didn't have a golf course booked or the weather wasn't good or something. In 5 years from 2009 - 2014 Obama killed 2,400 people, at least 273 of them were civvies. Far more that Bush with his pathetic 281 with 24 being civilians. 

People say how cool Obama is and how he'll be missed, not in Pakistan, Yemen or Somalia .... cuntries the US is NOT at war with yet keeps killing people there. Maybe it's his support of fracking that the people will miss.

Who the fuck needs clean water when there is affordable fuel to be had? We can always buy bottles of the stuff and what the fuck do you think wet wipes are for?

Radioactive tritium has leaked from 75% of US nuclear power plants and often into the ground water. You've probably read about it on the news .... well you have to pay attention to the little blurbs but it's out there buried under Kim Kardashian's fat arse.

More important than safe drinking water.

That's 48 of 65 sites according to the U.S. Nuclear Regulatory Commission. Don't worry the levels are going to kill you safe and it's trendy to die from cancer these days anyways. No one has ever gone to New Jersey for the good of their health so whatever ... right?

Well I think Strontium-90 sounds fucken cool and hey drinking lead never did the residents of Flint Michigan any harm of gurn the fuck up and dry yer eyes, all 8 of them. If there was something wrong with the water the government wouldn't wait for a rogue scientist to tell the public, they would do it themselves immediately.

Or if there was a huge gas leak causing an environmental disaster and causing thousands to be relocated, Southern California Gas Co wouldn't wait 110 days before reporting it.

You stupid Americans and yer money grabbing ways. Europe is so much more eco friendly, you should learn from us ..... not Northern Ireland or the rest of the UK cos we burn tryes and rig car omissions tests and have started fracking but still, our hospitals are almost smoke free ... ish. At least the doctors have stopped smoking on the wards .... aye they vape now. 

Luckily radiation goes away after 1000 years or so scientists tell us because scientists are smart ..... which is why I listen obediently and agree with everything they say about climate change. Scientists are not like normal people and never omit or alter facts to suit their agenda of paying their rent.

We are all citizens of the werld so when the Japs build nuke plants on the ring of fire we should also share in the contaminated sea food. 
Black rhinos are extinct the Great barrier reef is dying and has to be called the no as good as it used to be barrier reef. Like algebra and bathing I've never had a use for any of them so it isn't as dire as it looks.  

I hope this post has taught you to be a better person. You are a part of nature as any flower or tree so don't feel guilty about eating factory reared chickens or not recycling because what ever you decide to do is natural and a part of God's plan. Since the cunt in the sky has a plan you have no control over yer life it's called predestination. 

Free choice is like free speech, you say "nigger" on Twitter after downing a bottle of beat the wife you are gonna have to say sorry. Like control yer freedoms are an illusion, it's up to the government and then that's up to God and he's a fucking fictional nutter that hates you.   

Hating gheys, keying yer neighbour's car then telling them it was kids or teasing weemen with my tight nylon not too piss stained troosers is God's will and totally natural. On Earth day I did shout racial slurs at school kids and it did feel good, "go on ya white bastards with yer flat arses and creepy blue eyes" so learn from Old Knudsen and be a part of nature cos it's God's fault. 

Tuesday, 3 May 2016

Caught In An Abusive Relationship With Windows 10

It started the way it always does, something new comes along and shows you the attention that you need. A wee window box appeared on my computer screen and when I clicked on it. I was told that Windows 10 was ready for me ... but was I ready for it?

I had heard some things about it so I wasn't sure. On the other hand it wanted me.I flirted and clicked 'ask me later' yearning for the question to come up again and hoping I wasn't playing it too cool.   

Eventually it asked me again and I clicked yes....oh please yes (not the actual button's name) and it then said, 'your copy of Windows 10 has been reserved'  .... OMG had it lost interest in me? What the fuck was I thinking?

I was hurt. The tiny icon was still on my desktop and now and again I'd click it to relive my rejection all over again.

I doubt you'd understand my pain unless you've lived it.

One day out of the blue a window came up saying that Windows 10 was ready. I could hardly believe it, was I ready? Out of shame and guilt I postponed it in order to get my head around it. Then I was asked for a time to schedule it.

This was really happening, maybe I did deserve good things in life.

The time I had scheduled came and went with no change. I scheduled it again thinking it was me or I had made a mistake. Again it didn't happen and I didn't awake to a lovely Windows 10. A screen popped up and told me it was ready to download and I'd have to re-start my computer several times.

It wasn't a great time for me but it insisted so I clicked to download and went on Twitter on my phone.

After an hour it was almost done, it asked if I wanted my picture folders all rearranged .... I didn't want it looking at those pictures for fear of judging me so I said no. 

Windows 10 was blue and modern looking and on my computer. Sure there was an extra picture to click away when you turn your machine on and sure many of the programs were just gone. Windows 10 would look after all that stuff, you don't have to worry about getting rid of programs you didn't want installed.

You just didn't need to worry your pretty little head about anything and don't even go into the settings cos you'll not find what you need .... leave the computing to the experts at Windows and go look at some cat videos.

I was happy to know my place, Windows 10 would look after me. I wouldn't give it cause to look at other computers.

New relationships can be an adventure, we were learning about each other .... I was learning that Microsoft had more access to my computer and it was no doubt learning all about me thanks to those updates I could now not refuse to do.

While I was looking at some hilarious cat videos a box flashed up and said, 'we just deleted your anti-virus program ... um if didn't work with Windows 10, yeah that's it, try our own dodgy Defender program that you've never heard of.'

But but I've had Trend Micro for years and I've never had a problem. I just paid a hundred quid for a re-renewal the other month and you deleted it without telling me?  

The box kept popping up to turn Defender on .... away an fuck, that is the last straw.

I went into settings and found how to turn my computer back to Windows 7. A box came up that said I'd never find a program as good as Windows 10 because I wasn't worth it, I deleted its ass and got Windows 7 back and reinstalled my anti-virus.

I had a close call and now I am no longer Windows 10's bitch .... away an fuck, I have taken control of my life again,I am Knudsen,hear me roar. 

Monday, 2 May 2016

John Wayne Was A Big Leggy Racist

Marion Morrison otherwise known for his stage name John Wayne made the news last week. No he doesn't have a new movie out in which he plays an emotionally stunted hero that saves the day.

Republican State Assemblyman Matthew Harper sought to have the 26th May, the day Wayne was born made into John Wayne day. You have to walk as if yer trying to avoid yer butt plug from falling out, go all limp wristed, talk like yer having a stroke and be a bit of a cunt muffin.

The one note Oscar winning actor was a Republican, anti-commie draft dodger but is celebrated all over the US. Airports and schools are named after him. Why should he have his own day? James Stewart was way better and actually served in WWII .... shit even Henry Fonda who was older than Wayne served because he didn't want to pretend to be a soldier while others were actually doing it but Wayne in true Republican style had no problems with getting out of serving.

Remember, he only played at being a hero .... make believe. Heroes run into burning houses to rescue people or join up to go fight Nazis.

Clark Gable was 6 years older than Wayne, he was 40 when he joined as a photographer and aerial gunner. Hitler had a price on his head and wanted so badly to shoot him down as he was a fan.

   None of these guys served either though Trump feels like he did cos he played dress up like Wayne did. 

Republicans want to send yer kid to war while that dirty commie Sanders wants to send them to collage colledge college ... what the fuck?  

So giving the draft dodger his own day was shot down when his 1971 interview with Playboy was brought to light. He then turned into that crazy old racist uncle that you only see at Thanksgiving who always makes a dark meat comment and while he doesn't know any coloreds he is sure they are destroying the cuntry. 

 One of his playboy pictures cos naked weemen are just so faggy.

Wayne said, "I believe in white supremacy until the blacks are educated to a point of responsibility. I don't believe in giving authority and positions of leadership and judgment to irresponsible people." 

That sounds fine, not like there are any irresponsible white people in positions of authority. Dennis Hastert was third to the presidency once and he was very responsible .... for making dirty land deals and molesting children that is. 

Wayne also slagged off Native Americans for not wanting to be invaded. They wanted the land for themselves the greedy injuns "selfishly trying to keep it for themselves" ... "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them."

"The academic community has developed certain tests that determine whether the blacks are sufficiently equipped scholastically. But some blacks have tried to force the issue and enter college when they haven't passed the tests and don't have the requisite background."
They want to rape all the white weemen too! Wayne was very equipped scholastically .... well except when he failed to get into the naval academy and only got into the University of Southern Callyfornia on a football scholarship .... he had to leave after an injury stopped him from playing. So yeah college drop out, any issues going on there?

Nailed it. 

While he reckoned his lung cancer was from him smoking 6 packs a day his stomach cancer is thought to have come from making The Conqueror. Not only was it ranked as one of the worse films ever it was shot in Utah near to the nuclear bomb testing ground. 91 of the cast including the stars all got cancer at some time in their life but getting it for such a shite movie, could be seen as karma as it was terrible. 

  A tired and puffy looking Trump getting the endorsement of Wayne's daughter, if that is worth anything. 

Wayne would so fit in at Trump rallies punching the head of any black person there to protest. I bet he'd hate Muslims too.

Wayne won the best actor award in 1970 for True shit Grit in which he stretched his acting abilities to the limits to play a mean old man. He didn't think much of the Brilliant Midnight Cowboy getting the best picture award as those kind of movies are perverted, "Wouldn’t you say that the wonderful love of those two men in Midnight Cowboy, a story about two fags, qualifies?"

"I’ve directed two pictures and I gave the blacks their proper position. I had a black slave in The Alamo, and I had a correct number of blacks in The Green Berets."

I'm surprised he didn't mention the slopes or gooks. 

The Alamo ....  The Mexicans were the good guys fighting to keep THEIR cuntry together while the defenders who were illegal aliens were fighting for freedom, one of those freedoms was the right to keep slaves.
Wayne played the emotionally stunted hero that didn't save the day. David Crockett (no one called him Davey) was a congressman who failed at getting re-elected so thought he'd try a new start in Texas, he probably didn't wear a coon skinned hat either. It is now thought he survived the battle to be executed but that doesn't stop the tourist trap that is the current day Alamo from marking where he died fighting. 

The Alamo was a huge fortress but now it's marked as an old chapel that probably didn't see much of the action. Jim Bowie was a slave smuggler looking for a new life because he was wanted in other places for dodgy land deals. Colonel Travis was a lawyer avoiding prosecution for debts. So yeah, a bunch of twats.

You can spin history, misrepresent it and have a rosy recollection of who were heroes but we seem to find out eventually and as with the racist homophobe that is Marion Morrison yer werds often come back to hurt you so don't be a cock juggling thunder cunt.   


Saturday, 30 April 2016

Ken Livingstone Is A Twat But He Is Right

Ken Livingstone is a politician that cares about the people to some and a commie mouthpiece to others. The former Mayor of London recently said Hitler supported Zionism and had a policy to move Jews to Israel. He said "He was supporting Zionism before he went mad and ended up killing six million Jews." 

Now Labour is heading up an anti-Semitism panel to make up some guidelines of what you can and cannot say. Don't use Hitler and Israel in the same sentence .... also don't blame Israeli soldiers when they shoot children and hey, where the IRA really that bad? Lets call them Freedom Fighters instead of cowardly scumbags.

Semantics .... or Anti-Semantics.  

The Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu, told the World Zionist Congress, "Hitler didn't want to exterminate the Jews, but only to expel them." 

Livingstone is saying that if that dick can say it then so could he. No one accuses Netanyahu of being anti-Semitic. A war mongering bigot but never a Jew hater.

With Gerry Adams in 1983, the year in which the IRA killed 6 when they targeted a busy street full of Christmas shoppers with a car bomb near Harrods in London. 
Livingstone and Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn have a long history of talking shite and sympathizing with the wrong side. As a history expert I can tell you that Livingstone is wrong .... Israel didn't exist then.

However The Haavara Agreement of 1933 did set up Jews for to emigrate from Germany to Palestine. This of course stopped when WWII started in 1939. Yes Americans it started in 1939, not 1941.

1933 was also the year that Dachau concentration camp was opened. The first of the camps it held mostly German Communists, Bernie Sanders Social Democrats and trade unionists. Over time Jehovah Witnesses, gheys and gypsies were sent there too but not too many Jews in those early years. Over those years they stripped the Jews of rights such as German citizenship and barred them from certain professions like law and medicine, 1939 marked the huge expansion for Nazi death camps rounding up Jews that were still there.

So yeah Hitler helped Zionism, it doesn't mean he believed or supported it. Do you really think he believed the Jews should be in Jerusalem in case that fictional slacker Jesus came back? He used the Jews as a scapegoat to further his career as Trump would use Muslims and Mexicans.

People and their knee jerk reaction have jumped ol Ken about this but he is being historically correct. Some facts are not popular though such as Lincoln not giving a fuck about slavery and Jefferson (all men are equal) being quite partial to a bit of slave rape and he didn't want to free them either cos it would be too difficult and they'd have to deport them in case they wanted revenge. Don't forget Reagan selling weapons to Iran while making drug deals in Central America.   
Hitler didn't go mad, I doubt he was ever insane. I believe that he committed evil atrocities in the manner of hey it isn't us so who cares? Like politicians voting not to take in 3000 refugee children. Or exporting all the food out of Ireland while a potato blight starves the poor. Evil comes in many forms, some of them are more socially acceptable than others and is often done by a lack of action. 

Evil is real and is most often done by sane people.



Wednesday, 27 April 2016

Batman Takes On Genocide

I'm sorry for your loss, I know loss, did I mention my parents are dead? 

George Clooney was presenting an Aurora Prize for Awakening Humanity which was established on behalf of the survivors of the Armenian genocide.

It has been 101 years since the genocide in the Ottoman Empire which was in 1915. It is thought that 1.5 million Armenians died but Turkey has said it was more like 300,000 - 500,000 and as many Turks died during the civil strife when the Armenians rose up in support of invading Russians so get off their backs and stop exaggerating.

During the 1800's Great Britain, France and Russia had been at the Ottoman Empire to reform how it treated its minorities. Christians and Jews were second class citizens and weren't even allowed a say when in court.

After the The Hamidian massacres which killed 100,00 - 300,000, a Young Turk revolution in 1908 which was over thrown in 1909 and then the Adana massacre which followed that killed 20,000 - 30,000 Armenians there were the Balkan wars of 1912.
This was the Ottoman Empire against Bulgaria, Serbia, Greece and Montenegro. Many Muslim refugees fled to areas traditionally known to have Armenians living there. This increased tensions and the need to get rid of the Armenians.

Why this talk about Armenia? Sure it's one of the forgotten genocides because our ally Turkey doesn't like it to be mentioned.
I don't know if you've noticed but the west doesn't like to upset Turkey as they are a key nation in the fight against ISIS and maybe Assad but are strategically important to launch attacks from and to intimidate Russia.   

Turkey plays both sides and gets a free pass to kill Kurds and buy ISIS oil as long as it doesn't go full retard Islamic Extremist.

The Belfast Telegraph had Clooney's speech at the awards, "We honour the million and a half lives that were lost 101 years ago. And we honour those lives by calling their tragedy by its true name. Genocide. The Armenian Genocide."

He talked about how his family the Clooneys fled the potato famine and only survived because of the kindness of others and how refugees who are just people like us need that help too. 

The Aurora award went to Marguerite Barankitse who cared for children and orphans during the Burundi civil war.

The comments on the Bel Tel page kinda pissed me off. Smug arm chair warriors telling Clooney to butt out and fix American problems and real smooth talking about your own family during an Armenian commemoration.

ARE THESE PEOPLE FUCKING STUPID? Yeah I suppose they are. The award show just wasn't about Armenians it was also about helping others too and celebrating those that do. Yeah shame on him for highlighting an atrocity. Ach I told them off and said he was Batman and to suck on it ... yeah I'm a fucken werdsmith. 

You can't talk about the Armenian genocide in Turkey, it's illegal so I'll talk about it for them. In 1915 the Ottoman government set about getting rid of the 2 million Armenians living there through execution and deportation.

As with many massacres to do with ethnic cleansing, first hundreds of intellectuals were rounded up and killed. Then ordinary families where rounded up and forced on death marches through the Syrian desert where they were systematically robbed, raped and shot.  

Any Armenians in the Ottoman military were transferred to slave labour camps then ultimately executed by gangs of Turks. These Turks would also roam the countryside killing any Armenian they came across.

Armenian children kidnapped, converted to Islam and given to Turkish families. Armenian women were forced to join harems and Turks moved into the homes of deported or murdered Armenians.

In 1922 there were only 388,000 Armenians left in the Ottoman Empire.

In 1918 when the Ottoman Empire surrendered the Turks that committed the Genocide fled to Germany. Armenians tracked down the leaders to kill them in Operation Nemesis.

While Turkey denies there was genocide and that it was just war, the US government did recognize the slaughter as a genocide in 2010.

So well done George on being a decent human being and fuck the rest cos they are just jelly that they are not and never will be Batman! 

Tuesday, 26 April 2016

Obama's No Fucks To Give Roadshow

In America we have freedom, we fought another George and we'll fight you too if we have to. 

Obama came over to the UK on his 'fuck you all I've handed in my notice and don't give a shit' tour. He met with the Queen who had to tell Philip to be quiet when he asked 'What ungo bongo country are you from?' Poor Phil, after years of being the undead he still hangs on to those old prejudices.  
He met with William and Kate who of course had to wheel out George the robot boy. Yeah yeah yeah cute kid, just wait till he gets older and his body stops growing hair on his head and puts all that energy into making his nose a foot long. 

All new Royals are made from 200 year-old sperm from Prince Albert. Queen Victoria loved Albert's cock and had 9 kids herself so she made him give lots of specimens which is what probably killed him. 

Obama did Cameron a solid by breaking the hearts of all those morons patriots that dream of having an empire again .... even though we cut our military to nothing and have been kicked out of most cuntries. 

The people that want to leave the European Union talk about how they'll renegotiate all trade agreements especially with the US. Obama said that maybe you'd like to hear what the President of the US thinks about that. 
He told it straight that the UK will have no influence once it leaves the world's largest economy and that any trade deals with the US will take like 10 years because fuck you Britain, to the back of the queue with you, yes behind Zimbabwe. 

 Who cares what Obama thinks, who put him in charge?

We have always said the Americans were rude, pushy and self entitled but that's describing the people that think they can renegotiate trade deals .... uh we'll just buy from any of the EU nations, they do stuff for way cheaper than you do, it's called competitive pricing.   

What does the UK have that everyone wants so badly? We buy coal from the US we get steel from China. Even Sherlock and Dr Who are shite now. Game of Thrones is only shot in Northern Ireland because we give them tax breaks and money, otherwise they'd be shooting in some Eastern Bloc cuntry, we can barely compete as a part of the EU. 

The land of Shakespeare. 

We just don't like the Germans, that's why. Yeah isn't Brussels in Germany? We fought the Germans twice (Americans and Russians may have helped) and we don't want to become just another part of the United States of Europe .... bloody foreigners and their fucking human rights and fair labour laws, fuck them with their high standards. We're British, we'll take any old shite and be grateful cos we know our place. 

Maybe we could bring back rationing, hanging and outlaw gheys ... women don't do as they are told so lets take away their right to vote and make them have babies if they are raped cos you know they were just asking for it anyways.   

If you are for leaving the EU I respect yer opinion, aye it may be stupid and you may be stupid for having it but I respect stupid people .... just changed my mind, please kill yerself and stop wasting air. 

Look at that fat headed cunt, I could have him killed and dumped at sea. 

Speaking of stupid people. Cameron can't be too friendly with Obama because what if Trump got elected? I bet Trump would give us some tremendous deals. As well as building a resort in Scotland he has been asked to rebuild Hadrian's wall to keep the English out if they want to leave the EU. Trump will make the Sassenach's pay for it, lets hope he gives us a good deal on those bricks. 


Monday, 25 April 2016

The Amazons Know Where You Live

What I imagine to happen every time I order off Amazon.

Ever since my friend who had no living family died suddenly leaving his bank card to me I've been ordering a lot off Amazon. I don't know what a Hercules Jogvision DJ control is but I have one. If my wax is ever cold I can put it into my wax warmer and my collection of beers, wines and spirits is coming along nicely.   

I don't buy just any old shite .... well I do but I often look at the reviews to tell me about the product as pictures don't tell you that the metal looking surface is just cheap plastic or that it doesn't work. Things also look bigger in the pics.

This person loved expandable pocket pussy and beads of woe but is that a helpful product review or just a feeling?  Can you tighten up the pussy if you had a micro penis for instance?

Yes you can ask questions and hope someone with a bit more gumption can answer you but do I want my friend to be remembered as someone with a micro penis?

Thanks, is that a review? Of course I hit the 'no' button and I hope they are properly sanctioned for wasting my time. How does this tell me anything about the TensCare itouch Sure Pelvic Floor Exerciser? There should be a 'fuck you very much' button. I'd tell these people what I thought of them except Amazon reviews your comments before publishing them .... as if they don't trust us.

This was from Sharon but I blurred the name to protect her identity .... her stoopid identity. We don't want yer life story, use the thing and then write a review you idiot. 

She hasn't used it but gives it 3 stars .... it only arrived yesterday doesn't say anything except that it arrived the day before today and that you haven't slapped some lube on it and shoved it in yet. No, that was not helpful Sharon.

Like writing an incident report. Instead of saying, 'At around 7pm The dark haired man walked over to the man in the red shirt and started shouting about alien invasions before punching the man in the red shirt and running off.'

Might as well right, 'It was violent' or 'A quick altercation.'  

There are worse reviews though.

Reviews about music usually invoke the failed music critic in many. This long and rambling piece goes into the 'read more' territory .... no thank you.

A review on Mumford & Sons .... how about dull, shite banjo music usually found in commercials, Dawson's Creek and elevators. If you like music then don't buy this.


Saturday, 23 April 2016

Stalking Your Ex

So you get a few drinks in you and want to know what yer ex is up to. They are bound to be unhappy and have probably never found anyone as good as you and who doesn't like to gloat? The restraining order and yer drone with the camera being hit by a bus prevents you from spying so you do a search of the Interwebs.

I am quite tech savvy for a silver surfer, I know that a server isn't just some snooty person that pretends not to see you when you need a top up. A dongle isn't a euphemism for a penis and if yer having cyber sex first check that you are USB compatible ... fuck that hurt.  

I think I'd remember her.

So I entered my various exes info into the computer .... database but there must have been a glitch in the matrix. Sorry if I'm confusing you with all this tech jargon, ya have ta keep up to date or you'll look like an idiot.
I even opened up my lap top at the back to see if the box of Internet was properly in. 

When you type in 'thick women' you do not get Old Knudsen's exes. Not even when you type, 'misguided junky hoors that needed the money' I suppose it would have been easier if I had remembered or had written down their names. I know there was a Cher but she didn't give me her last name.

I'm gonna send yon Mr Google an electronic mail to get him to sort it out or I'll switch to Yahoo in protest.  

Friday, 22 April 2016

Donald Trump Is True American

The Trump phenomena is an amazing insight to human and mob mentality. People wonder how Hitler could have gotten into power or how Nigel Farage or even Boris Johnston can have a following. If you remember to the Obama campaign he did a similar thing. He didn't say he'd make America hate great again, he said he'd bring hope and change.

It was no hope and the change he brought was Bush's policies but made bigger and badder. You can't do anything as president if there are 100 others at various levels of government fighting against you. You have to play ball.

Trump comes from privilege, he's never had to work a 9 - 5 or a minimum wage job flipping burgers. He was sent to expensive schools and was loaned a million bucks by his daddy to start up his property business. The man has no class or style, he gets on like Saddam Hussein and probably has golden toilet seats ... he thinks that gold is a classy wealthy colour.

He's aggressive, narcissistic and moody, he sounds more like a trucker than a billionaire, you expect to hear him say, "forget about it" a lot.

His fan base may sound like him and have no manners but that is the only similarity. They are usually working class or low class, they don't have a $100 million dollar yacht to sell when they get into financial trouble, they probably rent their homes/trailer and didn't excel academically and their spouse is probably their sibling .

How the fuck can they relate to a spoiled pampered billionaire?  

In the back of their heads they no doubt think that Trump is better than them because he is rich and because he says things they understand ... they like him. They don't demand details from Trump, they just think he'll magically do everything he is promising because they don't know how the world works.

When they imagine a wall on the Mexican border they think of a 50 foot tall one that is 20 feet thick with armed guards constantly alert and ready, not how expensive or how long it would take to build or the fact that you just aren't allowed to build on parts of the land president or not.  

They think he can bully Mexico to pay for it and bully other countries for better trade deals. "We want a better deal .... we have nukes, just sayin."

Former Grand Wizard David Duke (who is also not a racist) endorsed Trump. Many of Trump's policies appeal to white supremacists as like how Ukip's policies in the UK does.

Muslims (who are usually brown) and Mexicans (who are usually brown) and even blacks (who are usually brown) are blamed for today's problems, even women need to man the fuck up. You hear Trump saying The Blacks or The Latinos but never The Whites.


I've seen idiots (some of whom are black) demanding to know how Trump is racist. It's like they either can't figure it out themselves or need to hear the person say the N-word as they whip a slave.

Trump was sued for not renting to blacks, his father did the same thing. After Trump was sued he then just told blacks that there wasn't any apartments up for rent. That right there smacks of racism but that's in the past and doesn't count right? Like the Holocaust, get over it .... bygones people bygones.

All Trump's policies are hinged on being against ethnic people in some way. He also doesn't condemn racial violence done in his name and for years has hounded Obama for being a Kenyan Muslim .... He never hounded Clinton or Bush for anything.  

 He even quotes Mussolini on Twitter.       

Trump's voting base are not very bright and have issues. Dylann Roof spoke his mind, doesn't make him right or even honest. Saying what he thinks seems to be the main reason many like him. It's everyone else that is the problem.

They want things to change in their favour. Maybe bills that protects their religion by discriminating against others. Maybe to deport all the illegal aliens which obviously includes all other ethnics just in case. Maybe just stopping ethnic people coming into the country especially Muslims because we all know that they are terrorists.

For a cuntry founded by immigrants they have never liked immigrants. 

Like I said they aren't too bright and don't think or even care about the consequences as long as they get theirs. These are the same people that don't want anyone else to get ahead or to get a helping hand but they demand one for themselves.

The same people that hate socialism and government interference but once there is a flood they demand that FEMA saves them or if their house is on fire they expect fire fighters to put it out.

No one invested in them so why should anyone else get free college or healthcare? .... disabled people need to be ignored, unless they are disabled vets as then they'll pretend to care about them to score morality points.      

Some people just don't have empathy or common sense but the scary thing is that they do have a vote. 


Thursday, 21 April 2016

Mass Murderers Have Rights And Feelings Too

Remember when vikings were unstoppable war machines that raped and plundered and killed holy men just for kicks? They were so fearsome the soft English gave them a big swathe of land and paid them not to hurt them.
What the fuck happened? Did they get all their aggression out that now they cry at sunsets? That is some serious violence, they could have gone onto the passive aggressive meddling and drone strikes but no, they are nicely mellow now.

During WWII they put their faith in the British and French and told the Germans, "We will not submit voluntarily: the struggle is already in progress." Of course you should never rely on the Brits and French as a month later the Germans had occupied Norway.  

Anders Breivik is the cunt who in 2011 killed 77 people. He was sentenced to 21 years with that sentence extended longer if the government wishes. While some have said he's a Christian, he himself has said he is an Odinist  .... which is just another way of saying white supremacist Nazi type.

He had contacted a Norwegian human rights, anti-torture group saying his human rights were being violated. In his cell (more like an apartment) he only had a Playstation 2 and needed that upgraded to a PS3, he also wanted more adult games he could pick himself like GTA 5 and Call of duty as Rayman Revolution aimed at 3 years and over just wasn't cutting it. Maybe Rayman 2: The Great Escape would be better. 

His chair was uncomfortable and he wasn't allowed to talk to other inmates or wardens.  Are you crying for him yet? 

The HR group said that anything else was extra punishment and so Breivik won his case and the state paid his legal costs of $40,000 or £28,000. 

The Norwegian government was surprised at the win and Eskil Pedersen, a survivor of the shootings on Utoeya island, said he was "surprised, and then angry and upset, it was like being punched in the gut that the perpetrator won such a public victory."

The cunt's correspondence is still monitored though as he is a crazy (though totally sane) fucker.  He'll still get his 800 letters a year that are mostly love letters, fan mail and marriage proposals. 

If you strip 77 people of their human right of not being murdered and having a future (many were young teenagers) then why should you have human rights?

He's not remorseful and now he thinks he can do anything he wants. While waterboarding and naked human pyramids are morally wrong this cunt needs special attention, he needs his day micromanaged, he needs to get a PS3 with the smaller memory amount and a chair from IKEA that he has to assemble.

I hope he enjoys the company he gets in his long showers, I hope he gets everything he deserves and that the other inmates aren't modern day pussies.