Spam Titles

Hey Old Knudsen, do you want to be like Girth Brooks?

I sometimes look through my spam folder as e-mails sometimes end up there and I'm amazed at the stuff I get sent, do I really come off as a pedo sex crazed junkie? no don't answer that I think I know.

These are some of the titles of the spams I get.

Naked schoolgirls in dormitory: Why would I want to see a load of titless 13 year old gurls at school ? I always hated school and no matter what that judge says schoolgurls don't do it for me.

Separate yourself from other men: I think I do that already with my greatness or at least with my B.O..

oldknudsen We can ship your medications overnight FREE: Do I look like a junkie? what have you got?

Urgent security notification for cilent of the Lloyds TSB Bank: Nice try I bank with my mattress, are you willing to claw through all the various stains and crusty socks to rob me ?

Nothing to do with the post but why is it that librarians are all hot sex starved Hornivores? all that book learnin is kinda sexy.

Rip off her panties: Most weemen would beat you around the head if you ripped their knickers.

Muscular, thick and long even when flaccid: Maybe I want this on my grave stone.

Be like sex machine: They even have machines for sex? what will they cum up with next?

Thick, immense gains to your member: I belong to enough clubs thank you.

Then I found this: 'International child porn ring found' as you can see from my sidebar I hate pedos so I thought maybe a reader was telling me about a story as they have been prone to do in the past, so I clicked on it and found something quite disturbing.

Be the undisputed sex machine of your town by clicking here: You sick fuckers.

Yes I did click on it and won that title 2 years in a row.

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A Salute To The Fallen

Not being a conformist sheep type Old Knudsen doesn't play by the rules or at least he just does what he wants.
Today in the good old US of Americy its memorial day, a day to reflect on those who serve their cuntry with bravery and honour and those who have paid with their lives while doing so.
I have combined a post with the Mute Monday theme of courage because too many people are mute when it comes to courage.

For most of my life I have struggled with the concept of courage, when to stand up and say "NO THIS MUST STOP!" even though its not a popular thing to say and everyone else bows their heads keep quiet and just go along with the crowd.

To say the taboo word 'nigger' to make a point about racism knowing that a lot of people won't get past the word to see the point and will condemn me as a racist because I uttered it. Or to call Abraham Lincoln a war monger who cared nothing for liberty of Americans and the rights of slaves when he is turned into some kind of deity by romantic ill-informed historians. Adding JFK and Martin Luther King jr as others whose shit doesn't shink anymore.

My biggest fear is having my courage fail, having the fear infect me so much that my fight or flight reaction chooses flight, lucky I don't do running.

I have not done cowardly things so much but things an average person would do such as look the other way and not get involved, not in major things but in little everyday ways that chip away and I don't feel proud about. I hold myself to higher standards than most people do.

I have also done extremely brave things when afraid to do them but I face them anyway for that is true bravery.

I have done many brave things automatically and then have thought "What was I thinking?" which led me to the conclusion that courage and stupidity are kissing cousins.

There are many people with far more courage than I and I hope I will never be tested in that way.
Dealing with terminal illness, knowing you won't be there when yer kids are growing up, having yer kids taken by a stranger and never to be seen again, I don't know how some people can carry on with good grace and true courage like that.

Americans are spiritually absent for the most, on Memorial day and any other holiday they hold sales.

Have you ever seen a Remembrance Sunday sale in the UK ? No because that would be tacky.

The courage and sacrifice has been replaced with 20% off. The TV and radio bombard you with sales, sales and more sales I find this most disgusting. You can be capitalist and not be a cunt I'm sure.

Celebrate the deaths of millions by buying something nice for yer yard, you know that's what they would want.

Courage:

Knowing you could pay the ultimate price but doing it anyway.

The Royal Ulster Constabulary, unappreciated courage. A tough and dangerous job that was easier to slag off than do but if there was trouble they would be the ones you'd call.

Out living yer children and being strong enough to carry on after the loss of a loved one who meant the world to you.

Just hanging in there and wondering why it wasn't you.


The disgrace of failed courage and wishing you had done it differently.

Not giving into the Nazis or the Ragheads. The bastards can bomb us but we'll never falter, "Tis but a flesh wound."

Overated courage, John Smeaton helped 'others' subdue a chinky terrorist but he was made a hoosehold name because he had character.

Still having pride because you did yer job and did what you believed in.

False courage, she was captured in Iraq after getting lost and never having fired a shot and was rescued by special forces. She gets turned into a hero.

Speaking out against governments such as China (above) Burma, Zimbabwe, Pakistan and Iran etc.

Serving with the Americans and their 'Friendly fire' with friends like that.............

It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known. She knew what was waiting for her.

Drawing a cartoon that criticizes fanatics who 'will' try to kill you.

Running into burning buildings when most people would run out.

The rescue services.

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Let Us Prey............... On The Weak

The Bible is the best selling book of all time, totally out selling Old Knudsen's collection of cunt poetry. 50 Bibles are sold worldwide every minute so that means 'there are 50 born again every minute' not 'one born every minute.'

The Bible is also great for reading while having a shite. The paper is the same as that cheap toilet paper so just rip out the bits you don't like and wipe yer hole with it, all that peace and love stuff can go for a start and before you know it you have standard to live yer life by.

If God was on his side then God is evil and Satan is good so therefore this is the great lie that is spoken of. Makes sense to me, you just don't want to believe.

The Bible is also the most shoplifted book in the world. probably those Fenian cocksuckers.

In Kenya just recently a mob of 300 killed 11 people in their town that they suspected of witchcraft, sounds like God's good work to me.

A plea from little Johnny

Grandfather if yer reading this please cum home we love you.

Fact: No American has died of old age since 1951.

That was the year the government eliminated that classification on death certificates.

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Ha Ha Ha Ha Staying Alive Staying Alive In The Ghetto

Listen to me and you might just make it through this post alive.

I've been in some pretty dodgy survival situations in my time, from plane crashes to shipwrecks and one time being lost from my mummy in a supermarket.

I do what I have to do to survive and I have no apologies to make to the families of those I have eaten in order to stay alive, you don't know you weren't there.

When my blood sugar gets low I get grouchy and easily annoyed and then some big fat juicy American says, "you were in special farces you need to go find us some food" that's when I say "look immigrants climbing over the wall" and when he looks I smash his head in, food is all around you if you know where to look.

There is even a McDonald's in the Amazon jungle.

I still have nightmares about the supermarket, I was alone fending for myself living off dry cereal and stealing from the sample tables . I ran wild for what must of been an hour. When my mummy found me I had forgotten how to speak English and I was dehydrated and disorientated, yes I had also found the alcohol section, that was three years ago almost to this day.

Now I have to survive the hood of Crotcharea in Southern Callyfornia one of the most inhospitable places to be if yer white.

The heat of the sun can make her balls drip like a leaky tap (faucet to the Yanks) but whatever you do don't drink that water as I have a weeping sore just under me lad.

Water is yer first concern for survival. Due to the American economy being as weak as its military many people let their lawns die but if you go to a nice street you may just catch a sprinkler that's flooding the gutter or if you look for a hoose that's been painted red by tacky Mexicans you may find a fountain like this.

Warning, the water in Callyfornia is almost undrinkable as in most third world cuntries, there is so much rocket fuel and other chemicals its like gritty poisonous moonshine.

Hydration now and gut rot later, if you have a condom you can fill it up to hold water, I don't carry them as I don't like the reduced feeling and sensitivity when I drink from them.

Another sign of where to find water is to look where the birds and wild postal workers go during dusk and at dawn or you can find a corner on a busy road and there will probably be a Quickie Mart run by a Pakkie from India (that's where they cum from right?)

Be careful cos during times of deliveries you may get caught up in an attack either on the delivery truck or the shop by a troop of baboons. Last year in America alone there were 8,000 TVs stolen by baboons and numerous other crimes but because of Slavery a couple of hundred years ago they are the true victims of crime, really quite sad when you think about it.
Lets make them all happy and send them back , Zimbabwe looks nice this time of year and Mugabe likes to blame whitey too.

Remember folks you can go 3 weeks without food and just 3 days without water, for Americans convert weeks to hours and days to minutes.

The next thing to do is find shelter from the heat, a new sports bar has just opened doon the road don't try McDonald's as those cheap fuckers never run the air.

Food, what is there to eat in the hood? well there is plenty of pussy but be wary as there is a lot of unhealthy pussies in America. I've seen blokes walking about holding onto their cock incase it drops off also they lose weight and waste away through diseased pussy as their clothes look three sizes too big for them. Dogs are plentiful too just follow yer nose and yer bound to find some roadkill.



The flag of Callyfornia has a bear on it, bears are a common threat here so be careful.

Which brings me to another danger in the hood, mobile phones otherwise known as a cell phone, just last year 3000 people were killed by cell phones, weemen driving mini vans while talking on their phones.

America has the worse drivers ever and it isn't illegal to kill pedestrians here, today I saw 3 cars run a red light, the fourth car was an SUV driven by a woman, she stopped half-way in the road and rather than turn right to get out of the way she sat in the middle blocking traffic because she wanted to go straight, the police shook their heads but IHOP was running a special so they didn't hang about, after they gave me a citation for jay-walking they were off, free cuntry my arse you can't even cross the road, anyway cars don't stop at zebra crossings here to let you cross so you might as well cross where you like.

One time in Killamory I was just about to cross at a zebra crossing, I was just off the night shift at the Titty twister social club and was tired. I stood there at the crossing waiting for a car to pass but he was waiting for me to walk across as cars give way to pedestrians, he stuck his head out the window and shouted, "is yer head up yer hole?" I did not have a witty cum back, that is a true story my friends.

This is obviously a gang of Mexican gang bangers.

Other dangers in the hood is getting caught in gang cross fire also getting caught by gang bangers, I suppose they then gang bang you to death as gangs are just so homo erotic something I don't want to find out about but only the police and criminals are allowed to carry guns or else they couldn't do their jobs.

Watch out for pan-handlers some will ask for spare change but due to inflation many will just ask for a dollar, they will call you and run after you to ask you for money.

Many pan-handlers are on the crack or the meths and can be quite crazy with the strength of 10 so its better to out crazy them, do yer crazy eyes and talk about how the next president will either be a woman or a half-cast now that is crazy talk, when they are confused stab them repeatedly in the neck with a pointed stick. Oh and carry a small pointed stick.


Twat or pussy thats yer choice, Cunty McCain will win.

If you ever find lost yerself in the ghetto always head towards greenery, to places where people water and tend their lawns. Beige is the normal colour of Southern Callyfornia and where their is greenery there is watering and there are well off people and you aren't in the ghetto no longer.


Ants? I've seen 'Bugs life' I ain't ascared of ants.

I hope this has been of some help to you, while researching this post I learned from my mistakes. I got gang banged and ate some really minging pussy I did find out that roadkill tastes a lot better than Mexican food and like in rock, paper, scissors a 9 mil gat beats a pointed stick.

Stay safe on those streets people.





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Yes I Am Complex

This post was inspired by Witchypoo who insists on posting pictures of herself on the crapper.
I have certain bathroom issues. While there is nothing wrong with a golden shower or a hot lunch on yer chest I draw the line at watching people sit on the bog to do their toilet big jobs.

I've shagged a gurl who had IBS, while she was on top she let go with the chocolate factory which is fine but to watch someone sit on a toilet and squeeze one out is just sick, couples who share the bathroom at the same time disgust me, there is a lock on toilet doors for a reason.

There is a time and a place for mega dumps like during sex or in a private bathroom so people show some decorum and for you Irish out there decorum doesn't mean spreading shit on the walls of yer prison cell.

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A Letter To Knudsen

Old Knudsen gets at least 50 or 60 e-mails a day. Many want to increase his penis size or sell him something and then there are some sent by his adoring fans.

I only post what my fans say to me in e-mails if I have their permission as I am a man of honour and principle unless you count the time when I posted about the personal itches of MJ that even I wouldn't scratch and I am not at all picky.

Its odd that since I'm British, Scottish an Ulster/Scot or Scots/Irish whatever you can figure out or understand I tend to have more Yank and Canadian followers than fellow UK types, its always been that way I don't have a clue what the attraction is besides the obvious sexy man in a cap thang I have going on but all the same they read and continue to complain about my usage of 'U' in words such as Honour, Favourite, Neighbourhood etc etc I also spell aeroplane and aluminium get over it I'm right even when I'm wrong.

I won't give out details about this fan, I'll call him 'Bill' of Florida he says.

Dear Old Knudsen you are the only thing that makes my miserable life worthwhile if you ever stopped Blogging I'd kill myself and if you don't reply to this e-mail I'll cut myself.

Please don't think I'm a crazed loony I just want to be your best friend I have so much more to offer than those bitches who throw themselves at you like whores of Babylon .

When I read all of your 25 Blogs I like to smear peanut butter onto my penis and have my dog lick it off.
I pretend your words are meant for me, I have almost broken the code you put into your posts to send me messages but " behind tennis at rimjob execute cunt " doesn't mean much maybe I'm missing a word or two and you want me to kill Bjorn Borg this I would gladly do in your name.

I hope you respond to this e-mail I'll send it a few more times incase you don't get it. Now I have to go and read your archives yet again.

I thought the e-mail was kinda sweet in a needy way it beats the angry drunken e-mails I receive from someone who shall remain amonymous but puts a very strong case as to why he or she should get my cap if I died by using threats and swear words.

My cap was said to be the cap worn by Jesus at the last supper and contains powerful mojo and holy piss stains, all I know is that I'm God's gift to weemen and Asian gurly-boys the cap just gives me the edge over the rest.

As I said to MJ once, "you've tried the rest now try the best" but she wasn't having any of it as she was having 'Weeman's trouble' no idea what that is so I just nodded knowingly.

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A Day In The Un-Dead Life

My cock still gets recognised even after all these years.

I like to share which is why so many of you have been given the clap and other maladies so here is a day in the undead life of Old Knudsen for ya.

For a change I woke up early I hardly ever see 10 am but for some reason Mexicans drive about blaring polka music out their windows. Fuck the Germans have so much to answer for, nothing good ever came out of Germany.
Polka music is so vastly un-cool even an old git like me knows this but if you watch Latino TV you'll see they are un-cool, it reminds me a bit of the tacky French TV shows I used to watch when I lived there.

I only watch Latino TV because they always have hot Latinas in skimpy outfits and I watch and think how degrading it is to weemen, degrading but fine wanking material.
I fried up some eggs and bacon and as I ate it I cursed it as bread and bacon are stinking over here, how can you fuck up bacon and bread?

I once read its healthy to have a glass of red wine a day so I knocked back a 6 pack of Newcastle brown ale to be extra healthy.

I feed and watered the bloke in the garage and told him he wasn't getting out until he gives me his bank pin number, that's a lie cos that fucker isn't going anywhere, such a big cuntry and so many hiding places for bodies I love it.

I staggered out into the hot midday sun, it wasn't as hot as the last couple of days only about 90 °F so I walked to the shops for some groceries as I'll probably be too drunk to think on my birthday its an excuse to drink not that I need one.

One of the staff was sitting on his arse using goof off on some plastic bins that contained dried out Mexican food. A gurl staffer came over and they started to talk, I eyed up the breasts in the meat section and listened.

The guy became very camp and animated, totally ghey, "This really sucks I've been at this for half an hour already."
The gurl who was a young Latina with Amy Winehoose eye make-up said, " Did Brian make you do this? that sucks."

She saw me and decided to hang about and do busy work making eye contact now and again with me, chicks dig the cap what can I say? she came up behind me and put her phone number into my trouser pocket and said, "if you want me to cook yer meat give me a call." Well that's how I remember it.

Before I left I told the guy he was lucky he didn't have a real job, I told him how I dug ditches for 40 years man and boy for tup-pence a week and the only time I got to sit doon on the job was when Frankie the foreman broke my legs for not digging fast enough, young people make me sick ................. except the hot ones.

I went into a charity shop called Goodwill to see if they had anything good and I saw the book pictured above.
I collect Buddha figures for good luck well more of an OCD thing I suspect its a hold over from my brain washing when I worked for the company and got this big white one, someday I may share my collection with you.

The cashier was a young Latina with perfect nails a nose stud and an attitude of being better than everyone else, she didn't even eye me up, must have been a leezer.

I got home and found I wouldn't be getting that pin number, maybe I should have cracked open a window in the garage or something. I got a pack of Rolling rock and watched the deadliest catch for 3 hours then at 2 am I made some chips ah living the dream.

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Delighting In Schadenfreude

Did you hear the news? No not the 78,000 dead from the cyclone in Burma nor the 40,000 dead in the earthquake in China but actual happy news. Edward Kennedy has a malignant brain tumor.

I laughed and said "buy yer way out of that ya big headed cunt" and don't you dare go on about the Kennedy curse, oh poor family with their big hooses, boats, private planes, drinking and womanising oh I feel so sorry for you all you fugly tossers, I never understood why people thought they were good looking, they weren't/aren't.

His brain tumor is the ghost of Mary Jo Kopechne the secretary he killed while driving drunk in 1969 when he crashed into a pond and managed to get out but left her there not reporting the incident.
He wasn't too worried he paid the parents $90,904 and they didn't take any legal action or even allow an autopsy. The police diver that first saw her said she was at a place where an air bubble had formed so was probably still alive for a good while.

The Kennedy's come from a dirty Irish clan who were the first bog trotters to wear helmets to protect their extremely large melons.

Ted's dad was a cowardly fuckwit who wanted to appease Hitler and it pissed me off to hear a dumb republican quote Churchill in reference to Ted Kennedys illness, how dare you sir.

Kennedy Snr lobotomised his own daughter who was a bit slow but they didn't want her to get pregnant and give the family a bad name so he hid her away for the rest of her life as she wasn't up to much after the operation .

All the Kennedys are sneaky shites, just ask the Cubans who the US trained to fight Castro but left them to be slaughtered what they think about Jack and Bobby.

Ted Kennedy is a true politician, he follows public opinion and changes with the wind. He was pro life until Roe vs Wade in 1973 then he magically became pro choice, some Catholic huh.

He supported the IRA and called for the withdrawal of troops out of Northern Ireland. When public opinion turned against Sinn Fein (AKA Fenian cocksuckers) in 2004 he snubbed Gerry Adams. Shit doesn't stick to old Teddy boy.

I'm already sick about how people are turning this wanker into a saint and hes not even dead yet. I hope karma gives it to him good, it took long enough. Wouldn't it be ironic if he died on secretary's day?

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Indiana Jones And The Skull Fuck Of Syphilis

Bill Homann a karate teacher owns one of them Crystal skull thingys. Yes we've been through this craze before with Arthur C Clarke and In Search of.

Now the crystal skull are the latest of those legends that you can make up any old shit about and top hippy scientists give their credentialed opinion about so it must be true.

Indiana Jones, Da Vinci code, that crap Nicholas Cage film that it hurts me to remember, oh yeah all of them have taken liberties and now young people who never heard the stories before think they know because they watch the films.

Like when Titanic came out and the young uns were shocked when it sunk at the end or the people who think they know about Spiderman or Ironman even though they have never read any of the comics.

Back to Homann he got the skull through the adopted daughter of F.A. Mitchell-Hedges who found it in 1924 in a Mayan pyramid in British Honduras, Belize, a lovely place to visit unless yer in the British army and stationed there to learn jungle warfare and then its bug infested crotch rotting hell but don't take my word for it go their yerself.

The daughter Anna Mitchell-Hedges who was there when the skull was found died in 2007, she was cared for in her last days by Homann and gave him the skull, I wonder what he had to do for it to make an old woman's last days happy. A little head for a little head.

The skull is carved out of a single piece of clear quartz, the life-sized skull features smoothly contoured cheekbones and a detachable jaw that sets perfectly into the cranium.

It is so scientifically accurate that a face of a young Mesoamerican woman can be reconstructed from it but shes ugly as fuck.

How it was made and by whom remains a mystery as the Mayans didn't even have the wheel.

The Mayan civilization peaked between A.D. 300 and 900 and no other crystal skull has been excavated, if the Mayans were so fucking smart then why didn't they make something useful like the Interweb or microwaves, oh that's right because they were fucking savages.

Scientists at Hewlett Packard in 1970 did tests on the skull and found that no modern tools could make the skull because the vibrations would crack the crystal. If it was made by hand, the Hewlett Packard team concluded it could take as long as 300 years to complete.

What the fuck do HP know? when they can make decent computers and printers then I might think they know what they are talking about.

The legend, based on the Mayan “Long Count” calendar, which runs out on Dec. 21, 2012, says that the ancient Maya possessed 13 crystal skulls that, when united, hold the power of saving the Earth from destruction in some kind of vague way.

On the 22 December 2012 I'm going to laugh my old bitter balls off, remember the year 2000? how many times has the world been coming to an end? 1800, 1900 and Heavens gate, ring any bells? not to mention the Russian cult that holed themselves up in a cave to wait for the end, oh the leader forgot to turn up so the Ruskskis put him into a nut hoose and now the dumb fuckers in the cave after several long months of playing 'I spy' have left, they'll be joining the Jehovah witlessnes , Morons or Pentecostals next, fuck I hate cults and the weak minded sheep that join them, feel my scorn and taste my corn.

The number of skulls in the world that have been found so far is either 3 or 8, isn't it great to have brainy scientists on the job?

Yawn fucking yawn its obvious that spacemen came doon carved a few skulls with lasers, helped them with their maths skills and said fuck this humans are so thick and took them off for food.

I don't think much of any civilsation that can't even invent toilet paper or zippers, sure with enough slaves and suffering I could build you a pyramid or two but don't talk to me about advanced civilisation until you can blown up millions of people with just one bomb .

That Indiana Yawn film lets hope its as good as the second (sarcasm there folks) Indiana Jones and the rest home of death, now old people think they can swing on whips and beat up Russians, who do you think you are Old Knudsen?

Indiana Jones (with the Welsh surname and Scottish dad) would break his fucking hip in the first 5 minutes just like the real James Bond who would be too busy having liver transplants to be a cocky womanising spy.

I'm off to watch the last Rambo film, I hear its really good. Like in the second one a gook chick asks him, "what is expendable?" and Rambo who has never gone to school cos hes only fit to be a Marine says, " Its like when yer at a party and you leave and no one notices." She then asks him what does exacerbate mean and to use it in a sentence.

Remember when movie stars did roles that suited their ages ? you may of had Cary Grant fucking a 20 year old but that's believable, at least he didn't hit the steroids to keep up with the younger stars.

Hollywood has become even more transparent and disposable an explosion has taken the place of clever dialogue and the actors don't need to act when stunt doubles and CGI does all the work for them I feel cheated, they should pay us to watch the films. I was going to rent something out the other night but for the life of me I couldn't think of anything that I wanted to see.

I like to see older stars in films but not playing young men parts in which they have to run 5 miles and karate kick 10 bad guys nor do I want to see bumbling old men who when faced with violence scream and die without putting up a fight. I want real characters who stop and think and say fuck this I don't do running with my hip and knock someones teeth out.

You know what I would do? I'd bludgeon the fuckers to death with the large crystal skull I had in my hands.

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Mute Monday: Different Strokes

For different folks......

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What Ever Happened To Good Old Mob Justice?

Yes yer honour I did indeed use the new feature on Blogger that means you can schedule a post to post itself in the future by changing the date and time in order to commit hate crimes many miles away but its not my fault I blame American society and its love of violence.

"Old Knudsen, you have been found guilty, death by blogging."

For fucks sake yer honour have I not done enough damage?

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Sunday Service

You should have seen her before her boob job.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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