Wednesday, 25 May 2016

Vaping Looks Cool

He looks so cool ... not like a douche bag at all. 

This post is not about whether or not smoking is good, bad or whatever. Some people say it's bad because it is a leading cause of cancer and that smokers stink and force their habit onto those nearby that have to breath in the smoke. Some say it's good because it makes you look cool and if you haven't blown smoke into a babies face and watch its cute coughing then you just haven't lived .... add it to yer bucket list, it's better than farting in elevators. 

  Shooting people and blowing smoke into the faces of children is in the constitution. 

This post is about vaping. Does it help ween people off fags cigarettes or does it create a new subculture of smokers who find this new addiction more socially acceptable? 
Europe is pretty much like Peaky Blinders or Mad Men, you will always see someone smoking as well as being violent and misogynistic but hey it's our culture so don't judge us. It used to be that you could smoke almost anywhere. The slippery slope to madness happened when we were given the choice of smoking or non-smoking. Non-smoking meant that you'd be at least 2 feet away from a smoker enjoying the nice fresh recycled air of an airplane. 

Old Knudsen might be described as being a filthy creature by some that think that wiping yer sweaty balls on curtains or someone's coat is unacceptable but he is a little bit of a germophobe. He hates people, you know this and he hates their germs also which is why he never eats from street vendors and will use his cuff when opening doors. 

During his childhood he ate fast because as soon as others were finished they would light up at the table and considering the yellow staining nicotine does to walls and ornaments his little mind could imagine it clinging to his food combined with the breath of the smoker .... aye Old Knudsen has issues though he'd still lick a taint.

His chubby brother Lars would eat at the dinner table without a shirt on too. So many issues Old Knudsen has thanks to his family. 

Yes please blow yer chemicals over my food and here, smell this fart while yer at it.   

It's true that smokers are quite selfish on the whole (check gutters and the causes of most wildfires) and vaping is a way for people to get around the non-smoking laws that inconvenience them and to be douche bags. Like yer sibling that stands right up to you and says, "I'm not touching you."
I've seen people vape in pubs and restaurants and also school kids as they walk home from school.  

Sure places are catching on and putting up no vaping signs. Think about it, humans have to have a book with 10 commandments that tells them not to steal or kill .... humans are cunts. You'd think it would go without saying. You don't have 'no whipping yer cock out and placing it on the table' signs in restaurants but most people know that it is "probably" not an acceptable thing to do.  

When you smell a fart that is particles of fecal matter going up yer nose .... are you a germophobe yet? I trim my nostril hairs for no one as they are the front line defense against yer poop bits. Aye it does look like I have a mustache but it's for health reasons. 

Does vaping look cool? Could you imagine James dean vaping? .... smoking, being a crap actor and driving dangerously and dying young is fucken cool. What are you rebelling against? ... Yer Ma! There is no way to vape and look cool at the same time.

This is what I think when I see a vaper. At the same time I'm thinking 'what a douche bag' but if it's to help you stop smoking then yer just a weak willed quitter so carry on but remember my scorn as you display yer weakness to the world. 

No, addiction is NOT an illness, any more than stupidity is.  

As if Dr Who fans weren't dorky enough they can now get sonic vapedrivers. You can get a steam punk looking one or one that looks like a Pokemon ball .... so many ways in which to make yerself look even more stupid. 

The vaping liquids can be of various flavours. You hear people justify vaping by saying it's just water vapour .... um no, yer not a steam fucken engine it's chemicals you fucktard. 

The laws on vaping haven't completely caught up with the problems so you can get dodgy chargers than burn down yer house or explode and since the chemicals in the vaping liquid isn't regulated then anything can be added, safe or not.

You can say it's less dangerous than smoking if you want just like beer isn't as bad as vodka. The need for it and the end result are the same though. I predict that within 10 years there will be a spike in various mouth and throat cancers that will be linked to vaping.     

Tuesday, 24 May 2016

Born Free And Die Hard

Aren't lions big an cute and cuddly?  They're just big kitties and who doesn't like kitties? Cats aren't as bad as Lemurs, I mean they still judge you and look down on you but at least they don't have those big lemur eyes that rip into yer soul and wake you from yer sleep screaming and stabbing the person lying next to you.

If Oscar Pistorius has said that he feared lemurs were in the bathroom taking a dump rather than saying a turd burglar he would have gotten away with shooting his gurlfriend. 

Back to lions, you have crazy cats ladies but never crazy lion ladies. You used to get crazy lion ghey magicians but that didn't end too well. Lions are big and do what all domestic cats wish they could do, eat whatever/whoever the fuck they want. 

When yer cat brings you in a dead critter it isn't showing you what a great hunter it is or showing you respect, it's more like a 'this would be you if I was bigger' kind of thing.   

A 20 year-old man thought .... well we aren't quite sure what he thought. When Old Knudsen was 20 he was thinking about sex and trying to not let the constant rejections effect his chronic masturbation ... aye not much has changed. 

Can you feel the love tonight?  
Franco Luis Ferrada Roman stripped off and jumped into the Santiago zoo in Chile. It must have been Chile cos his willy was very small .... Ka-Chow! .... Boom! .... Drops Mike .... knocks his teeth out .... Mike sues.

Gun laws in Chile are quite restrictive and guns can cost up to 3 times the amount you'd pay in the US. Lions are cheaper and cuddly. The police in Chile mustn't be willing to shoot you as much as US cops are so lions it is.  
In Northern Ireland the police need to fill out a form in triplicate before they even draw their firearm, Americans don't know how lucky they are. If suicide by cop was a thing here I'd be drugging people and taping a toy gun to their hand just for laughs .... well I'd laugh.

Ever go to Belfast zoo? You'd be lucky to even see a lion never mind being eaten by one. Northern Ireland people being so bitter even the predators avoid them. 

So this naked bloke jumps in and starts shouting things about Jesus ... I don't know if one of the lions were named Jesus or if he was trying to do a Daniel in the lion's den thing .... it's a fucken book, a werk of fiction. Bet he couldn't part a fucken sea either.

Fucken religious people, mental as fuck. You don't see people jumping out of planes thinking they can play Quidditch, that would be bloody crazy. 

Well the story had a happy ending ... ish. Franco got his lion cuddle and lived, he's in critical condition but smiling cos they are soooo squee! 

Oh yer such a fluffy cutie, oh yes you are. 

The lions were shot dead though cos you can't go around eating God botherers, Chile has strict laws against that sort of thing. Lets all remember Franco in our prayers so he has a speedy recovery. Maybe the zoo will issue an apology and give him a season pass or something. Why you'd want to go to a zoo that doesn't even have lions now is beyond me though.    

Monday, 23 May 2016

The Chinese Are Klingons

You always shall be and always will be a cunt you smug twatwaffle. 

Wondering why I haven't been posting 24/7 for yer delight? Well it's not that I've been locating the original Chibok schoolgirls, talking Sinead O'Connor off the edge of a bridge and crashing an EgyptAir plane because a guy on board had figured out the cure for cancer and Big Pharma told me to .... that would be wrong, probably on some moral level which I have yet to think about, I just like money. 

I never did do any of those things and as the 2010 hearing said, this blog cannot be used as evidence. Thanks for that Obama, we scratched each other's backs though you still owe me a few 20 odd million for Osamas new name and identity killing.   

 James A Kirk 

The werld ticked on without me as I didn't travel all over protecting powerful people as my grandson Gavin posted cat videos from my various anti-social media accounts to pretend I was still here. 

To quote Admiral Nelson, "I see no ships" He had his telescope up to his eye patch doh! 

USS Zumwalt the US navy's newest class of destroyer began its service under the captaincy of James Kirk. No one saw the stealth ship leave the Kennenbec river in Maine pushed out by tug boats. I certainly didn't keep tabs on it for the Russian government. 

Based on the MI-6 building in London it is almost invisible to radar. In fact if it wasn't for Spooks and the James Bond movies no one would know about the MI-6 building. It's behind the little blue boat by the way. If you go to Vauxhall Cross in London you will never hear anyone ever mention it. Once a cabby took some tourists there and they were never seen again .... true story bro. 

The USS Zumwalt has an electromagnetic railgun which as you know confuses missiles. This is the same tech that the High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program (HAARP) used to melt the polar ice-caps thus adding to Florida's flooding problem. They also have Nile crocodiles there too but fuck Florida, just because.    

Two more  Zumwalt-class ships are being built at the cost of $22.5 billion even though they are already out of date thanks to updates. The Arleigh-Burke class destroyer is the Windows 10 of the battle ship werld.  

Why does the US need stealth ships? Well ISIS won't see them coming at them in the Iraqi or Syrian desert. Nor will the Tallyban in Ganners. 

Have you been paying attention to the goading the US has been doing at China in the south China seas? China wants to expand its territory but this scares the shit out of Japan and Australia and rightly so. When China builds on an atoll the US navy is there to sail too close. China, Russia and the US have been doing fly bys and intercepting each other in the hopes that someone fires but we all know that the war isn't due until 2020. 
To start it early would mean that one side thinks it's ready ahead of schedule and that would be totally rude.  

China has started to build its $13 billion railway in Africa through Burundi, Kenya, Rwanda, South Sudan, Tanzania, and Uganda. 
Ach fuck the wildlife, Robert Mugabe in Zimbabwe sold 24 elephants to China in 2015. Africa is the wild west (west of India) anything goes and China will own the place soon enough. Just as it has bought lots of property in the UK and the US as well as stocks and shares in companies. 

Stealth warships for up to no good missions and hey you need warships to attack other cuntries. The world is shrinking and some nations are feeling threatened. The USS Zumwalt is a penis and who better to wop yer dick onto the table than Captain fucken Kirk? 


Wednesday, 18 May 2016

The Good Old Days

You could try hanging but if you do it wrong it might take up to 20 minutes to die. 

Remember the time before camera phones and liberals? In those days you could compliment a woman on having nice tits, use the terms chinky and golly wog, smoke in hospitals and sell folk and no one would get offended but now all that is frowned upon. 

If I was at a bar and some bloke came over and complimented me on my tight buttocks and strong shoulders I'd be flattered. All this takes werk, hours or butt clenching to stop the leaking and 2 200 push ups a day.  If you don't use it you lose it .... that fear has me wanking at least 12 times a day. (on a slow day) What if I lost my cock? I'd disappoint weemen without even getting a happy ending.   

Maybe a shirt and some shoes might cheer you up. 

I mentioned before about getting fired being let go from yon suicide hotline and having my name blacklisted from other similar services. I can't even go door to door. I'm on my third appeal .... it's the principal of the thing. 

No one told me it was suicide prevention so I thought I was doing very well. I never had a repeat customer. What's wrong with asking, "have you tried to not be such a sad sack?"

A former job of cold calling people and asking if they wanted to change phone service providers wasn't for me. I liked to open with a story that involved dropped calls, famous people and having Jesus in yer life but my bosses told me to stop wasting time. 

Back in the day it was called charm but now it's wasting time. Having known a time before people tweeted their dumps and dumped every thought onto the Interwebs I miss those days. You only had to worry about peelers wearing a wire but now everyone has a recording device and racist or antisemitic rants on the bus gets you on Youtube. Ach I never wanted to drive a bus anyways. 

    Just because I refused to cuddle after sex and said her tea was crap.

Having battled depression most of my life I think I should be allowed to call suicide people pussies and tell them to pull up their boot straps and gurn up. Like how only black people can say nigger .... Unless yer Quentin Tarantino who seems to love that werd. 

What's his next movie, black trans gender Holocaust survivors? He needs to stop making movies with silly violence and forced dialogue. 

A 30 year age gap ... mind the gap.  

You know what's not acceptable either? Chatting up young (but legal) chicks. When they say I'd old enough to be their grandad I roll my eyes. James Bond doesn't get incest obsessed chicks, he raises an eye brow and they get wet. 
I'm willing to role play at being a grandad but it is a little creepy. Can I not be yer granddad's older but still able to perform friend that walks into yer room while pretending to be looking for the bathroom? Aye just let me piss into this vase you have then we'll we have sex ..... I don't see anything wrong with that.  

No wonder men like Donald Trump are becoming so successful. They want to be able to call a spade a spade .... or a darkie and who the fuck (besides Hispanics) is insulted by the term Wetback or Beaner? Trump knows what low brow voters want, reality shows and beauty pageants. Shit they can understand. 

Nigel Farage is another person that hates political correctness and wants to speak his mind. How come everyone that wants to speak their mind and are against PC tend to be a tad racist and misogynistic? .... I don't know, probably some form of manipulation from the Jews that run everything. 

It amuses me when people talk about leaving the EU. They go on about too many EU regulations. At one time it was about the thickness and quality of yellow rubber gloves that people (not Farage or Trump) would use to do the dishes with. In the UK we call them Marigolds the same way that a vacuum of any brand would get called a Hoover .... unless it's the vacuum of space which must be very tidy. 

The right wing neo Nazi racists people that speak their minds were disgusted that foreigners in Brussels wanted to regulate something that Brits are fond of (like baked beans and sausage rolls) and how dare those foreigners demand that Marigolds be of good quality and sturdy, we were outraged. 

They had never used them but it was the principle. Like white liberals being offended on behalf of black people. 

Brits love to whine so I suppose the foreigners where cheating them out of the chance to buy some rubber gloves that the finger rips the first time it's worn. It's like Americans pissed off at Obama for wanting them to have affordable healthcare. How dare you try to look after us, nanny state gone mad, wake up sheeple they want to take our rights. 

Regulate guns? What about our rights to get shot by our toddler? ... aye I don't see any drone regulation being done in fact even more nations have them now ..... thanks a lot Obama. 

Being a sexually confused straight white male I see nothing wrong with a bit of traditional values. If you didn't have support groups for rape and domestic violence then would there be any? Back in the day we didn't have so much mental health issues, you'd lock crazy people away, tell a depressed person to suck it up and have a drink and autism was created by a doctor working for big pharma who made millions on that Rain man movie. 

In the US they have buses that put out ramps for wheelchairs to get on the bus. They actually let their disabled people ride the bus, what the holy fuck? That shit doesn't happen in the UK, we're proud of our house bound disabled people and gimp free streets.   

 A real feminist gets her tits out. 

So when a protester gets pepper sprayed or a famous person is caught in a racist rant I smile and think about the good old days. When Kim Kardashian shows her ass and says she is a feminist I click save and think how easy it is to wank to feminists these days, Emmeline Pankhurst sure made knocking one out a real challenge.  

Tuesday, 17 May 2016

Billions Not Spent On Chairs

If you pay attention to this blog (you'd be crazy not to) you'd know about the Big Pharma Bankster Illuminati conspiracy in Hollywood concerning chairs The great chair conspiracy .

Who the fuck owns these chairs .... the Jews that run everything? Well they don't run the Illuminati, that's the Seventh-day Adventist .... those evil fuckers!

I've been binge watching Billions, a TV show about a crooked billionaire and a federal prosecutor. Paul Giamatti is great as the S&M loving obsessed US Attorney and Damien Lewis is great as the I grew up with a paper round now I'm a billionaire guy. As with his former TV show Life they darkened up his ginger hair because gingers are just so unhygienic and bad for ratings.

The show is a little like the Untouchables going after Al Capone and Moby Dick rolled into one.

And Maggie Siff as Giamatti's hot therapist wife that knows what ATM means .... no not automated teller machine but rather ass to mouth is just so um watchable. She works for Lewis so has to handle a conflict of interests.

Lewis' character  Bobby Axelrod loves his local old time pizza shop. He grew up eating there and now has meetings there. He even helped the owner out financially as the owner used to give him free pizza when he was young and broke. 

So yeah a small hole in the wall eatery in Brooklyn but look at those FUCKING CHAIRS!!!!!!

Then you go to a thousand dollar fund raiser and guess what all those rich people are sitting on. If you don't think this isn't a conspiracy then obviously the chemtrails are werking and yer all at the whim of the Rockefellers and the Getty Images people .... WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

I've also been watching Banshee which is fun yet a little predictable and I've finally gotten into Peaky Blinders. Damien Lewis' wife Helen McCrory plays the mother of Cillian Murphy's character Thomas Shelby
.... So she had him when she was 8?

The name comes from razors blades sewn into flat caps to be used as weapons. Birmingham of the 19th century had a gang problem with urban youths but now according to Fox news it's full of Muslim terrorists, ah how things change.

These gang members were drunken youths that slapped their weemen about, not so much the WW1 heroes of the TV show.

What got me into it was Sam Neill's Northern Irish accent, it's is brilliant. Like a cross between Liam Neeson and Alien Ian Paisley.
He plays a police inspector brought over by a middle aged Winston Churchill to break the gangs. He was warned that every bullet would get counted and not to throw bodies into the river .... this isn't Belfast for fucks sake so dig deep holes if you kill anyone.

British police cover ups have been a fine tradition that continues today. 

As well as the loutish gangs which seem more organized than they really were you have Bolsheviks and the fucken IRA trying to take over after WWI had ended.  

It deals a little with the issues of the time but with also an issue that had been around since the time of the ancient Greeks and that is PTSD. In those times mental health wasn't a thing. Doolally meant that you were crazy but probably came from the name of a British camp in India named Deolali. Maybe it was boredom or maybe it was lead in the drinking water that made them nutjobs.

Bedlam was a name taken from Bethlem Royal Hospital in London. Psychiatric hospitals were not places to go to in order to be healed .... so not much has changed there.

Anyway, the chairs are watching us, stay vigilant.       

Monday, 16 May 2016

Why We Should Be More Like Hitler

Boris Johnson the idiot Mayor of London just compared the EU to Hitler's plans of werld domination. Firstly, doesn't Boris Johnson sound like something a German would call his penis? And secondly is all this comparing everyone to Hitler really a bad thing?

President Bush got compared to Hitler and so did Obama. Ach you invade a few wee unimportant cuntries then all of a sudden yer a Austrian German with a funny mustache.

I seem to mention Hitler a lot, then again so does everyone else. Everybody loved him, his speeches had the best words and he was at the top of every poll. He wanted to build a wall around Warsaw so the Jews would be safe from antisemitic haters still mad that they killed Jesus but Hitler had 150,000 Jews in his military so you can't really call him antisemitic ... well except for the death camps that killed 6 million but hey, lets not focus on the negative, this is an up lifting inspiring post.

       Even Hitler got choked up at Schindler's list .... what, too soon? 

It wasn't easy being Hitler. He just didn't roll out of bed, eat some vegetables, took his pills that contained the fecal matter of a vigorous Bavarian peasant and make Germany great again. He had to get rid of the older generation of politician that signed the ceasefire during WWI even though Germany wasn't even losing. He had to form his own private army of thugs and then a better army then kill off the previous thug leaders cos they were buggering each other .... ach it was hard time for the WWI vet of average height. 

When people talk about veterans and how they should get homes, healthcare and jobs before anyone else, just remember that Hitler and Timothy McVeigh were vets. 

What have you done with yer life that you can judge Hitler and his one testicle and micro penis?    

There were always haters. In fact there were 35 failed assassination attempts on his life. Mostly having a schedule that only a few knew about and that changed all the time probably saved him. Be unpredictable as he mentioned in his book Mein Art Of The Dealinchen.    

35 failed attempts and being a teetotaler vegetarian would be enough to break many people. You might get depressed and say 'what's the point of invading the werld, no one likes me'  but what we can learn from Hitler is that though not everyone shares yer opinion, so what? You can't control the actions and werds of others except the ones you don't put into death camps so don't worry about them. 

Oh and keep yer treaties with the Russians and don't trust the fucken Japs. Know yer limits and don't take on too much of a werk load. Did you never hear about Napoleon? (another person of average height) no one ever wants to think they are Napoleon but he was a brilliant leader that won the majority of his battles and the victory against him at Waterloo was a close thing.    

Like Hitler he was the leader of a cuntry he didn't even belong to, reincarnation anyone?

Some might hide behind bullet proof glass but Hitler made the decision that if fate decides it to happen then it will happen. He stood in his open topped cars and took his chances. The only precautions were that the cars were rigged to explode if taken and had concealed handguns in the doors. 

Archduke Ferdinand and JFK just got unlucky or their shooters got lucky, depending on yer perspective. 

Hitler enjoyed Electronic synthpop ... now ve dance.  

Don't live every day like it is yer last as rape and looting Wal Mart still gets frowned upon in this day and age. Live it with the acceptance that control is an illusion and if you think you've thought through every scenario then yer a fool. Other people might have different plans than you and things may not go how you had planned. 
Fate is a giant spiderweb and one person a million miles away can set into motion events that dictate things. Thanks to that cunt you have to take off yer shoes at the airport. Thanks to those cunts you can't own a handgun in the UK. Thanks to people making meth they take out the Pseudoephedrine from cold medications and now it's fucken useless ... go buy meth it's a lot easier than making it out of cold medication. 

Who did the UK gun laws save? maybe the parent of the person that cures cancer. Maybe a TSA werker sick of smelling feet invents a great odour eater and maybe someone that couldn't shake their cold phoned in sick and old drunken Harry had to fly the plane instead.   

 Hitler likey.

Be a leaf on the wind and what will be will be. Enjoy the little things in like like looking at a nice pair of tits and saving it to yer wank bank for later. If yer worrying about everything then you aren't really living, something has to change. 

We as humans have the ability to block out unpleasant thoughts. If I thought about the food being chewed in my mouth I'd gag or if I watched those slaughter house videos that people think is a good idea to put up on SOCIAL media then maybe I'd stop eating meat ..... only kidding, I don't mind animals being killed if they are tasty animals. 

Cannibalism is only a social taboo because of uptight fuckers who will eat bacon but ignore the fact that the savages of Papa New Guinea call human meat Long pig.     
When we fixate on something we have no control over we get angry and sad, most of us will sign a petition and have forgotten about it by bed time and will not lose any sleep. Do you think Obama loses sleep over all the children and civilians his drones has killed? Nah he's too busy planning his next humorous video or speech to care .... isn't he so cool? 

Don't worry about climate change, since no one knows the temperature that the Earth should actually be this is just humans being selfish about their cities being flooded. Fuck humans, the Earth will continue long after we're dead and who caused the Ice age to end? .... I'd better not say anything against climate change as I'd be branded a witch cos scientists are never wrong. 

 I could help you in the past but I'm a cunt.

Things in the past are done, you can't change them so stop fixating over them. Things in the future can go either way, you have no control over it so stop worrying about it. 

Think about the present and enjoy the now. Unless yer a brain surgeon with the top of someone's skull open you should ask yerself, 'what's the worst that could happen?' .... usually the worst is not a death camp or becoming a refugee and getting turned away by racists that think yer a terrorist. 

If yer reading this you are online and have access to the knowledge of the werld. Sure spend that time looking at cat videos if you want if that makes you happy but remember that there is always someone worse off than you.  You are worse off than me because yer not me.

Whatever problem comes up you deal with that. You go to bed worrying and can't sleep and all that happens is you end up tired and yer worries are still there. Not being in control is why people pray to God and look how that has fucked up the world. 

We've just got to accept that bad things or good things happen no matter what. Karma doesn't exist because bad people get away with shit all the time but when they do get punished we suddenly believe in it. You reap what you sow was what Jesus once said to Robin Hood and Sherlock Holmes but it doesn't always happen.

The werld is set up for cunts because good guys finish last. Fuck the werld and do what you want as long as you aren't being a dick. The butterfly effect is real because cause and effect is real though not always obvious to us at the time. Yet another cliche Hindsight is 20/20 but still the complete chain of events is never seen by our tiny brains. 

If Eve wasn't so gullible she wouldn't have eaten the forbidden fruit and now weemen suffer child birth pain. The first woman Lilith would have told that snake to fuck off and take yer manipulation elsewhere.  

Just be the best you and not a douche bag. Say what the fuck and be like Hitler, just look at his little smiling face. If after 35 attempts on his life he can still enjoy Clarke Gable movies and check out some titties then you can too. If more people were like Bernie Sanders then the world would be a better place. If more people were like Jimmy Carter, Martin Luther King, Audrey Hepburn, or JK Rowling the world would be cleaner with healthy well educated people in it. Even all those unnamed people working for Médecins Sans Frontières, Amnesty International and Human Rights Watch. 

Or the person that gives up their seat on the bus for someone that looks like they needed it more.    

If you are worried just shrug and say, "I want to be like Hitler" and let the world come at you bro cos you can take it whatever it maybe and you'll look back and wonder why you worried so much.       

Monday, 9 May 2016

Sex Dolls From Heaven

So this remote village in Indonesia had a gift from God wash up on its shores. Not a volley ball with a bloody hand print of a bottle with a note saying "save me" nor the whiskey cargo of a doomed ship.  No, what washed up wasn't human but it looked human so being God botherers they all decided it was an Angel of of Lard!

Meanwhile a thousand miles away on Wannahockaloogie island Philip D Dick was searching for his wife Wanda. He had a falling out with her after refusing to make him a sandwich, he got rough and his dog Whippy jumped to his defense and bit her. She farted and flew out of his hut and into a storm. 

He sulked sandwich-less for most of the night but in the morning he realised that he didn't live on the Sandwich Islands and that maybe he was in the wrong. His brother told him that he should go and search for her and berated his foolishness.  Even though his brother had been dead for the past 12 years the recluse searched the island but could not find her anywhere.

He was heart broken which was not helped by his smug brother that said he knew she'd leave him eventually.

Meanwhile in Sulawesi, Wanda had been dried off and given clothes and an ornate garden chair. She sat and granted wishes .... mostly to lonely young men. She was found just weeks after a solar eclipse and that is prime time for finding angels as everyone knows.

Yes, this doll is sexy. 

The local police chief Heru Pramukarno was called in after the media got a hold of this story and took the angel into a room alone furnished with just a mattress for 25 minutes for questioning.

He must have pumped her good for information because in a shocking revelation she turned out to be a sex doll ...... I did not see that cumming.

(This does in no way diminish the existence of Angels as proof is for the weak) 

 Is that her? ... no it's just turtle ... a sexy turtle, helllooo baby.

Wanda is now serving 10 years in prison for fraud as it is illegal in Indonesia to pose as an angel. Dick probably thought his Wanda been eaten by the fishes as he roamed his island with Whippy and Jeff his tamed Unicorn.  

I'm not saying the people of Indonesia are stupid slack jawed fuckers unintelligent. Maybe it was their propensity to believe shit about naked white people eating forbidden fruit that made them jump to the angel conclusion.   

When the Cabbage patch dolls first came out the people of Ballymena thought they were Leprechauns out to steal their cocaine and sheep so it's an easy mistake to make. 

We and when I say we I mean fuckwits put too much value on people shaped objects. This Hitler sculpture was sold for $17. 2 million (£3.20p in British money) and the mouth doesn't even open .... or does it? I would skull fuck a Hitler doll for the Jews, does that make me a hero? Yeah probably. 

  Ya it ist just like your Ma!

The people of  Sulawesi don't have the Internet and so don't know what a harsh mocking they are receiving from me. They also don't know that an angel doesn't have perky tits and a couple of well designed holes to stick yer dick into. 

Haven't they seen Dogma?  Hasn't everyone in the werld seen that movie and if not then why not? Why would God make Angel junk? Isn't that what Lucifer got pissed off about? ... uh God why do I have to pee and poo through my mouth when those hairless apes get junk?  Reed yer Bible, it's all in there.

If they thought it was a Muse then yeah, I could see that but an Angel? Do they lick bars of lead in Indonesia? 'Hey I'm a Indianezer and I lick lead bars to get iron supplements to stay healthy.'

In other news they found Kim Kardashian washed up on a beach and thought she was a sex doll. I was the glassy lifeless expression and rubber like skin no doubt.

Wednesday, 4 May 2016

Being A Cunt Is A Part Of God's Plan

It's lucky for you that so far I've always won at Russian roulette because where would you go for moral guidance? When you don't know the answer you know that unless I'm dead with a gunshot wound to the head or haven't made bail yet you can always come to Old Knudsen to light yer way. They used to call me the light bringer back in the good old days .... they also called me pissy pants and octopus hands but we won't go into that.

I don't just get my knowledge from the classics like Chick soup for the soul or The art of the deal I also have experienced older classics like Dickens and Steve Jane Austin in fact I've often watched those movies twice and the re-makes too. I know Shakespeare too or The Bard as we call him, like Bruce Springsteen's The Boss but old Will doesn't make faces like he's constipated, aye I saw Shakespeare in Dr Who and when he fell for Gwyneth Paltrow.

To be Scooby dooby doo to not to be .... zoinks is the question.

   Boy, gurl, whatever, I'm having you. I'll put me salty goodness in yer pepper pots.

I'm a total reconnaissance man, a man fer all seasons but me hip gives me jip when it gets cold. That whole transgender using restrooms things is wrong. When I'm in a stall pushing out a delivery of muddy puddle water and sweet corn I don't want to think about some hot chick in the next stall urinating.

What man would want to share a restroom with this?    

I'm sure the ladies don't want this in their restrooms. 

It says explicitly in the Bible that a restroom is between a man and a woman. Remember when Jesus found Mary Magdalene in the men's room because the ladies had a line, he got so angry he punched the hand dryer off the wall and over tuned the urinal cakes. God may be a fictional being designed to help you from feeling pathetic and lonely and that you actually matter but he cares about who poops and where. 

Fuck famine and poverty, this has to be dealt with. I suggest getting a colostomy bag to avoid being offended.

  Should filthy red skins Native Americans even have "land rights?"

Senator John McCain is backing Hillary for preez .... she doesn't need it as she already has it in the bag. Prove me wrong Americans, vote for Trump and see Hillary still winning it. I was at the almost secret  Rothschild/Bilderberg group meeting in May of 2014 held in Broughshane which is near Ballymena. There was a astrological convergence overhead at the time and finding a virgin to sacrifice was near impossible, what a crazy night, we had to get one in from Eastern Europe for fucks sake.  

Trump said that McCain is only famous because he is a loser that got captured during the Vietnam war, you know, the one that America lost to gooks with pointed sticks. I'm sure saying that has nothing to do with McCain backing Hillary. 

As usual Trump is right. You had one job to do McCain, bomb the fuck out of civilians and anyone else then fly back for a cup of Joe and relax.  

Why do we have remembrance days? Fucken losers ya failed! Ya got killed. You don't have special days in honour of the Wal Mart sales assistant that refused to go to the back to look to see if they had anymore of that item. You don't see monuments to the unknown worker because you can't find one to reach the top shelf and they don't have inscribed on them, 'if it's not out then we don't have it' you don't celebrate the surgeon when they kill off patients because their golfing just won't wait. 

Too much mind blowing logic for ya? 

How about this. The Pope worships Satan. He only took in less than 20 Syrian refugees not out of compassion but because 1) they won't be missed when he drains then dry and 2) good help is so difficult to get these days. The Vatican treats its followers like shit but these outsiders can be whipped for the sake of their heathen souls .... even if they did convert for a free bed.
He could sell off one of his golden upside down crosses and house a few families for life. You ask 'well how many have you taken in?'  and I'd reply thousands more than him if I had his multi billion industry at my command.  The road to Hell is paved with good intentions so this was obviously him doing some road werk. 

23 people in the US have been shot dead by toddlers this year ... and it's only May. Never mind a war on drugs it's the kids we have to destroy. Bill Gates had the right idea releasing those Zika virus laden mosquitoes onto the werld but seriously the children are vicious. 

I'm no blaming the parents, it's in the constitution that children should be given guns. In my day at the age of seven we'd go out at night and kill a Helot, that was people owned by the state who would kindly werk for free .... aye they were different times back then but now kids are born knowing how to use a Smart phone and to shoot people. 

23 is a good number, in Pakistan 23 people have been poisoned when they ate contaminated sweets. The people that made the baked confectionery accidentally put pesticide in. Like you do. Barney taught me that it was good to share but you must also look at their faces and wait for any reaction. I'm no saying I'm paranoid but I bet you lot are saying it to all yer friends. 

You dinnae cum here for the grammar so who the fuck sent you? 

If the sweets don't kill you in Pakistan then Obama will. In 2009 his first drone strike leveled a hoose in Pakistan killing 10 militants .... well it turned out to be 9 civvies and the lone survivor a 14 year-old boy had stomach wounds, a fractured skull and lost and eye. Ach wee Fahim Quresh lived in Pakistan and so was probably going to be a terrorist anyways .... or at least after the US killed his family. 

They did another strike that day killing 5 - 10 civilians. I assume Obama didn't have a golf course booked or the weather wasn't good or something. In 5 years from 2009 - 2014 Obama killed 2,400 people, at least 273 of them were civvies. Far more that Bush with his pathetic 281 with 24 being civilians. 

People say how cool Obama is and how he'll be missed, not in Pakistan, Yemen or Somalia .... cuntries the US is NOT at war with yet keeps killing people there. Maybe it's his support of fracking that the people will miss.

Who the fuck needs clean water when there is affordable fuel to be had? We can always buy bottles of the stuff and what the fuck do you think wet wipes are for?

Radioactive tritium has leaked from 75% of US nuclear power plants and often into the ground water. You've probably read about it on the news .... well you have to pay attention to the little blurbs but it's out there buried under Kim Kardashian's fat arse.

More important than safe drinking water.

That's 48 of 65 sites according to the U.S. Nuclear Regulatory Commission. Don't worry the levels are going to kill you safe and it's trendy to die from cancer these days anyways. No one has ever gone to New Jersey for the good of their health so whatever ... right?

Well I think Strontium-90 sounds fucken cool and hey drinking lead never did the residents of Flint Michigan any harm of gurn the fuck up and dry yer eyes, all 8 of them. If there was something wrong with the water the government wouldn't wait for a rogue scientist to tell the public, they would do it themselves immediately.

Or if there was a huge gas leak causing an environmental disaster and causing thousands to be relocated, Southern California Gas Co wouldn't wait 110 days before reporting it.

You stupid Americans and yer money grabbing ways. Europe is so much more eco friendly, you should learn from us ..... not Northern Ireland or the rest of the UK cos we burn tryes and rig car omissions tests and have started fracking but still, our hospitals are almost smoke free ... ish. At least the doctors have stopped smoking on the wards .... aye they vape now. 

Luckily radiation goes away after 1000 years or so scientists tell us because scientists are smart ..... which is why I listen obediently and agree with everything they say about climate change. Scientists are not like normal people and never omit or alter facts to suit their agenda of paying their rent.

We are all citizens of the werld so when the Japs build nuke plants on the ring of fire we should also share in the contaminated sea food. 
Black rhinos are extinct the Great barrier reef is dying and has to be called the no as good as it used to be barrier reef. Like algebra and bathing I've never had a use for any of them so it isn't as dire as it looks.  

I hope this post has taught you to be a better person. You are a part of nature as any flower or tree so don't feel guilty about eating factory reared chickens or not recycling because what ever you decide to do is natural and a part of God's plan. Since the cunt in the sky has a plan you have no control over yer life it's called predestination. 

Free choice is like free speech, you say "nigger" on Twitter after downing a bottle of beat the wife you are gonna have to say sorry. Like control yer freedoms are an illusion, it's up to the government and then that's up to God and he's a fucking fictional nutter that hates you.   

Hating gheys, keying yer neighbour's car then telling them it was kids or teasing weemen with my tight nylon not too piss stained troosers is God's will and totally natural. On Earth day I did shout racial slurs at school kids and it did feel good, "go on ya white bastards with yer flat arses and creepy blue eyes" so learn from Old Knudsen and be a part of nature cos it's God's fault.