Monday, 15 January 2018

50 Ways To Kill Your Lover

A shiny new upgrade

You just slip one in the back Jack, make a new plan, Stan, you don't need to be coy, Roy, just get yourself free .... from prison as you'll be the main suspect. 

There might not be exactly 50 as Old Knudsen is a stable boy genius with all the best werds but numbers get fuzzy. 

This post is inspired by the story of Jeff and Agnes. Poor Jeff was born with a 666 birthmark on his head and his rabid avid Pentecostal wife found it. Plot twist, it was really an upside 999. 

Jeff was a dead on bloke, he never smoked in a church, he did vape outside a community hall once but he was gagging for it as he was taking an 'Old People Using The Internet' class inside. The first day is the most difficult as that 'on' button could be anywhere. 

Agnes bought the Daggers of Megiddo off Amazon and Jeff is lucky to be a live. His father is a lawyer which is unlucky for Agnes but you could see how she'd make that mistake. Nothing more evil than an lawyer.  

It's mostly women that post statistics and they'd like you to believe that we men are the main perpetrators of rape, violence and murder against women. FAKE NEWS!!!!  Lern yer Bible. When Mary wanted to go to the last supper Jesus did say, "Bros before ho's" and weemen haven't gotten over that. 
Like if you use their best cutlery knife as a screwdriver .... What the fuck? Lighten up bitch and make me a sandwich! ... ach please mom I didn't mean it.    

No one respects weemen as much as Old Knudsen does. He watches The Handmaid's Tale and has a large collection of vintage fleshlights. 

This post is about any lover, partner or spouse of any gender ... but watch out for those weemen. #MeToo was fine but #TimesUp is a tad scary.  

The first sign you may be in danger is them reading this post with the hopes of some elaborate plan for murder or for framing you. 

When your partner buys anti-freeze in bulk and it's summer. There was a story of a woman putting anti-freeze into her husband's food. It shut down his kidneys and left him blind and mostly deaf. The wife bragged to a neighbor that it wasn't found in his system at the hospital and hey, do you know any hitmen? 

Asking people if they know hitmen tends to throw up red flags, especially at the checkout at Tesco'd think Tesco workers would be more discreet but no. 

Good for chopping

 It's admirable that your partner bought an axe to ensure you have enough wood for the winter. Look up from yer screens and see if you notice things like radiators or electric heaters in yer house as all may not be what it seems. Why do we get an oil delivery every month? .... ach I'm just being paranoid. 

Don't get on like a spy and your partner won't try to do their patriotic duty. Don't send coded messages on secret radios, don't meet with ex-KGB agents to discuss Magnitsky Act adoptions and certainly don't have a foreign European accent.  British is ok as we are the good guys and not really scumbag Europeans.    

Americans have to be careful as all that Russians want to do these days is have secret meetings with them. 

Old Knudsen does not condom condone cheating but seriously dude it's called a stench trench for a reason and yer partner will notice it.  Have a spray bottle filled with diluted roadkill and spray yer cock before going back home. It MIGHT mask the minge scent. 

If yer partner has a whetstone on their bedside table and you hear scrapping noises at night then invest in a stab vest. Like everything else you can buy them off Amazon. Small children, you can't buy them on Amazon by the way. 

Taking your partner out to a secluded place to practice with yer gun. I didn't know you had a gun, why are the numbers scored off? 

You go to use yer home step ladders and the sticker warning you not to wear high heels or stand on the top rung is missing. 

Your wife becomes your agent and you seem to keep getting roles in which you die. Our subconscious minds often give us away in real life. 

The Fugitive did a lot of harm to people that only have one arm. If you are going to say someone else did it then don't be a dick and don't pick on minorities. 

Bleaching your hair and driving to Mexico or taking out large insurance policies can get you caught. If your partner wants you to sign a policy payable on your death don't fall for their 'you are always so paranoid you need help' ploy . 

If your swarthy partner has bought you a cowboy hat and I heart the US t-shirt and is planning a holiday in the Middle east then be on alert. 

When you happen to stumble onto your partner's Internet accounts don't check the browser history, you might find out way worse stuff than them just trying to kill you. 

Well that's about 50. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time... Robert Blake is sick of hearing that. He was amazingly found not guilty for killing his wife or hiring someone to do it but his kids sued him for $30 million so Ka-Chow! 

OJ was also innocent too. 

Wednesday, 10 January 2018

Why Hasn't Old Knusen Blogged?

Firstly you fucktards isn't all about you. If you had listened to Old Knudsen Russia and China wouldn't be on the verge of destroying western civilization, the UK wouldn't be left holding its dick as no one wants to trade with it, there would be a sexy lady in the White House and Old Knudsen would probably get a pardon from her about that tax and child trafficking mix up thing.

 Also Anna Faris and Chris Pratt would still be together .... why the fuck do I bother if you don't listen?

Old Knudsen went to Israel and said, 'look you cunts just get along with the Palestinian cunts and stop trying to kill each other.' Gift baskets were exchanged and apologies made and then Trump had to go and talk about moving the US embassy to Jerusalem.

The place is a shit hole, no wonder Jesus went to France after the whole fake crucifixion farce.

As a response a TV show called Knightfall came out making the Templars look like good guys who only really wanted to help the Jews .... Popular culture often compliments real life but it's a shite show so fuck em.

Enable Christian pseudo Nazis and just forget about the genocide. No one will know their history cos they took down all the Templar statues.

I told you not to trust the likes of Kelly but the Libtards wanted a hero... Marines! 

I've also been helping North Koreans defect to the south but it's hard to run from the border patrols with a 10 foot tape worm hanging out yer arse. Trust me, when the tape worm diet came out in the 70's I was into it. Now you have hipster tapeworms that don't eat gluten.

Plot twist: people drank from jars because you could seal them up again and they were too poor to buy glasses. Modern folk are idiots,

China makes up 80% of North Korea's trade and so sanctions .... I told Trump they wouldn't work, he has no clout with the chinks. Just because Ivanka has a few sweat shops there.

The Chinese now have the water ways and roads across Asia. You'd better lern to speak ting tong ting pretty soon people.

One half of the US being hit by a cold weather bomb and the other side hot as fuck. Scientists have come up with a plan to combat climate change. Just build more Rocky mountains but smaller so the weather isn't so extreme .... it's science bitches.

Queen Elizabeth II can barely speak English ... FACT!

In a bid to prevent WWIII Prince Harry will be marrying Angela Merkel.  The Germans claim they only want breathing room but I think we know how this turns out.

The world is in a sorry state but ISIS are being destroyed .... well they'll be destroyed the same way the IRA were destroyed. A few lame attacks now and then.  As usual you have more chance of being killed by an American civilian than an ISIS terrorist.

RIP Heff!

Celeb deaths have been pretty blah. How can you top David Bowie dying? Yeah Tom Petty had a few good songs but he was no Bowie. Kirk Douglas is almost 400 and still alive, he loves those stem cells. This will not be Shatner's year though. Old Knudsen would wear black for the rest of his life if that ever happened.

Turns out that 9/10 women have been sexually assaulted and 9/10 men are sexual predators. Who were the weemen Old Knudsen missed out? .... probably ugly.

If you smiled more you'd be a lot more pretty .... Old Knudsen giving out a taste of his game for all you virgins and losers that cannae get their hole.

I'd respect the hell out if that

Anyways we have to start respecting each other more.  Nothing says respect like keeping quiet about sexual harassment. Now when I see a Dustin Hoffman movie or Kevin Spacey I think, 'what a creep' ... but if it's a good movie I'll say 'yeah you probably asked for it' shut up the what's in the box scene is coming up.

Tone down the over acting Brad it's only Gwyneth Paltrow's severed head and she's a dick. She is now engaged to Brad Falchuk because during her 13 years with Chris Martin from the group Coldgay she kept calling him Brad by mistake which lead to some friction so marrying another Brad makes sense.

She doesn't cope with change very well.

New Year's eve Old Knudsen was a mile away up a hill with a high powered rifle waiting to take the shot. I can't say much but he was a high profile Yemeni target whose militia was interfering with the secret Saudi shit going on there ... anyways it was for yer freedom and yer welcome.  Happy new year mother funker, yeah that sure surprised his wife and kids but me diaper was full and me rations were low I couldn't wait any longer but hey, wouldn't you ride the fuck out of yon new Timelord?

Not the pussy in the blue box

Just don't let the lass push any buttons or she'll go directly for the fall out of the Tardis button, weemen huh? Ya can't make sandwiches falling through the air.

So I was going to write a book just piecing together all the rumours about Trump but someone beat me to it.  It'll annoy him to buy it so go ahead and do so.

Old Knudsen is still alive and thinking that 2018 will be his best year ever. Not for blogging as me rash has cleared up and the ladies are calling. Taylor Swift has been gagging for some Knudsen cock but I get the feeling she is just after a bitter break up song to help her career.

Monday, 18 December 2017

I Like It When They Lay Still

Old Knudsen recently had yet another brush with death. It involved a tube of superglue and a female tiger at the Belfast zoo. It was one of those ideas that made perfect sense at the time ... anyways it's still fresh so I don't want to talk about it.

Death .... while I haven't seen any evidence that I can actually die I have thought about mortality.  Years ago in SoCal I knew this redneck guy that wore crappy jeans held up by braces. He liked guns and was a lawn Nazi, he also called black people piccaninnys. 

Toby as I'll call him cos that sounds soft as shite got bowel cancer. He went on for years complaining about everything and getting into people's business. He hated it when people said "hot enough for you?" so I made sure I said this.

Eventually they wheeled him out on the trolley in a burgundy coloured body bag. At his funeral service you'd think that the best guy in the world had died. All these people that I had never seen at his home got up and shared their lovely stories about Toby. Even a black dude got up to say how great he was.

Where was the racist rednecked lawn Nazi that would point out how your car needed washed? Where was the guy that banged on my door to show me that my rose petals had blown onto his garden? I shrugged and said it was potpourri .... he was not impressed. 

On Sulawesi, an Indonesian island east of Borneo they dig up their family members and make them look good to keep them in their memories ... If I saw my granny at the door I wouldn't forget that in a hurry. If my parents turned up there had better not be a strong wind as they were cremated. Looking good Ma, lost weight? Is that a new pot? Makes you look 140 years younger.

Even after 7 years of death Paul could still get the ladies. Nice and stiff

So the point to all this is ... Old Knudsen has a point? That's a new one.  All these people that died suddenly became lovely kind people with any faults forgotten.

Is it wrong to speak ill of the dead? People speak ill of the living all the time and guess what, the dead won't hear all the insults and won't kill themselves after a Twitter backlash. 

Patriotic type people seem to only like dead soldiers. They'll parade in their memory but if you suggest supporting the troops by not sending them off to die you'll get scorn.   

If dead people were as nice as they were while alive then we wouldn't have war or hunger.  So therefore Old Knudsen fully supports Skynet and its mission to make people nice again. The only good person is a dead person.  

Tuesday, 28 November 2017

I Haven't Gone Away Ya Know

Old Knudsen is in the middle of some serious real life shit at the moment. It's survival mode level stuff so he has other more pressing things to do than hand you out yer opinions and tell you what the world's fucken problem is. I can tell you about it all in 50 years when it's de-classified.

As his doctor told him when he went in about his constipation "this poo too shall pass."

Stay tuned, I still have nothing but contempt for you and my scorn you shall feel again.

Wednesday, 22 November 2017

Dawn Of The Creep

Donald Trump, Hairy Wankstain, Bill O'Reilly, James Toback, Brett Ratner, Roy Moore, Kevin Spacey, Dustin Hoffman, Ben Affleck (and brother) George H .W. Bush, Charlie Rose, CK Louis, Al Franken several British politicians and many more have been accused of sexual harassment.  

The Brits already went through the BBC and anyone that was on TV in the 70's and 80's but molesting people seems to be a popular past time and there are sooo many more creeps to be uncovered. 

Like slavery, black face and homosexuality being illegal the PC brigade strikes again to spoil things for us white straight males. Now you can't even force yourself onto a woman without her telling the world 20 years later ... what the fuck?

Who isn't in the mood for sex with a stranger after a funeral? It's Bond FFS!!!  

For decades movies have shown us a hesitant female that only needed a forced kiss from the male lead in order to fall in love with him. We blokes aren't too bright ... you mean that's not how things are? Next you'll tell me one punch doesn't knock everyone out or it's not so easy to shoot someone without aiming.

Young women still fall for older guys right? That is one movie cliche I refuse to give up on! Lost in Translation needs a very graphic Johansson/Murray sex scene in my opinion. 

I don't have time to bleed I do have time to breed

Older, ugly fat men in positions of power seems to be a common thread. Men whose ego needs stroked and their penis' too. Wanking and open bathrobes also seems to be a thing.

Why anyone would think this would be a turn on I don't know

If accused you can deny it, settle out of court or surprise people by owning up and getting help. You can claim you thought walking about with your dick out was something the other party wanted or to really make people scratch their heads you can come out of the closet at the same time ... even though you kinda did that in the 90's.

You had better not be a perv Plummer, tons more movies to re-do

Hey sorry for trying to molest you I was drunk but in other news I'm gay! It's bad when the guy who has been in graphic shows like The Walking Dead and The Punisher says how creeped out he was by Spacey during the filming of Baby Driver.

With all the perverts out there on the road to rape you'd think that all men do this. Strange enough there are a few men that have never grabbed a non-consensual arse or boob. There are also men that can get drunk and not try to force themselves onto others. Shocking right?

Nothing to do with not being a real man that takes what they want because that isn't being a real man.

A real man respects others. A real man defends the weak, vulnerable and anyone else that needs it. A real man doesn't use his position or power to coerce others into doing something they don't want to do. A real man doesn't do stuff for praise. A real man never hits a woman and would only ever retaliate against a woman if it's to defend himself or others if there is no other option.     

At the end of their first movies Thor and Captain America are what real men should be

A real man also destroys his enemies and drinks from their skulls. He can bounce children on his knee sing the songs to Frozen and still be a real man because it's about honour and integrity, not what others say you should be. You don't need super powers or to have your hammer hanging out of your bathrobe when someone hot enters the room. 

Like most things in life being a real man or being a douchebag is a choice. Life only makes you into something if you allow it to. You may not have the choice of being a victim but you don't have to let it define who you are. 

Doing a honk honk prank on a sleeping woman is inappropriate. Al Franken I do not believe is in the same league as Hairy Wankstain or Toback. The world of comedy can be crass in order to get the funny but he isn't even in the same league as CK Lewis who can be inappropriately funny though not so funny when he's harassing women.

Leeann Tweeden used this photo as proof and says Franken forced a kiss onto her during a rehearsal. The photo is wrong, sure she has a flak jacket on and he isn't touching her but it's wrong. Like shaving and drawing on someone who falls asleep at a party. Different levels of what is acceptable. Hey they were drunk if they fell asleep they were asking for it. 

Yeah that argument can't really be used there if it isn't acceptable for rape. Like I said different levels of acceptability and most rapists don't rape straight away they lead up and escalate their behavior with other things they can get away with.

In a culture in which stag nights and hen nights are often used to belittle someone or else it's not a good night ... what the fuck?  It's like being given permission to bully and people don't seem to need much encouragement do they? How is smashing a wedding cake in someone's face a sign of love? 

Like guiding the bride's hand cutting the cake the pushing the cake into her face it is all to do with male dominance and her submissiveness ... yeah all good fun if you don't think about it. 

Thanks to a culture in which friends can easily turn into tormentors Old Knudsen has issues with falling asleep in public places. You should be able to trust the people around you when you sleep. 

Tweeden was rightly annoyed by the picture as who likes others laughing at you when you aren't in on the joke? 

That was in 2006 but the problem I have is that Franken was doing the same skit with Karri Kathleen Turner from 2003 on wards on other USO tours. 

Leeann Tweeden awake

The shows are crude, crass, sexual and full of innuendo, all the stuff the fighting (male) soldier wants. It's a matter of reminding them what they are fighting for which is why you always get the hotties along side of Bob Hope. 

 When you are famous they'll let you do anything

Leeann Tweeden who is often on Fox Sports went after Franken saying that the #MeToo gave her courage. He apologized for the photo and says he remembers the rehearsal differently. She has accepted his apology. 

Not intending to belittle how she feels I have to mention that a forced kiss and getting pushed off was in the act. There are references to boob exams and soldiers are brought up on stage to kiss the eye candy after Franken has his kiss, the joke is on Franken for being too gross to kiss.

She said that he wrote the (3 year-old) skit with her in mind in 2006 and probably only wrote it so he could kiss her. Full of yourself much? It's like she remembers the skit but remembers it as reality. Is there Meth given out in the Fox news hospitality room? I would not be surprised. 

This was her introducing him

There is a video of Tweeden pretending to kiss Robin Williams then patting him on the butt. What I'm saying is that the crude behaviour of a USO tour can be taken out of context and that having a vagina does not shield you from criticism.

You should lean towards believing the accuser but don't do it blindly. Never forgo critical thinking in favour of knee jerk reaction.
Old Knudsen doesn't support people based on what they are such as Republican or Democrat but if they do shite things he judges them on that. I was more disappointed that anything in Franken as I thought he was better than that. 

Franken gives Republicans a hard time and holds the likes of lying racist Jeff Sessions to account and Tweeden is on Fox which is on speed dial to the White House.

After looking at everything I call it sexual pranks rather than sexual predator with Franken and that Tweeden was in on it but then redrew the line at some point I don't know if there were other reasons. 

She was one of the the tits and ass people for the tour and yes there were cheerleaders and short shorts too. The cheer leaders were way better than Tweedon BTW no story there????

Unlike everyone else listed at the beginning of the post Franken has had women he's worked with for years speak up for him. Unless there is any new startling evidence or 8 more accusers I don't think Franken deserves to be on the list. 

Tuesday, 21 November 2017

Joe Biden For President

One guy one cone

For some reason people keep asking Joe Biden if he's gonna run for president in 2020. As usual the Libtardy left is looking through rose tinted glasses at him like they did when they mistook Hilary for being a woman. 

Like Hillary, Biden has some baggage and if he doesn't the right will soon make some up. In 2020 Biden will actually be 103 which is 2 years older than Reagan when he slayed Carter to take the throne. It will take more than a PSA with Lady Gaga to ignore his past as a sexual predator though. 

Did I tell you I'm psychic? Tonight I'll be thanking you for your service. 

Remember that time when he hit on Roy Moore's date? Like a southern gentleman Moore let Biden cut in, he just watched .... and watched. Terms and conditions applied and parents were asked for permission so it's all ok .

Slitty eyes jokes are not cool Joe! ... who does he think he is Prince Philip? 

Oh you're so tense, let me rub one out. 

Not even his minders could control him. 

This diner had to close early to get all the biker blood washed out of the floors. There is a reason those guys look nervous. 

Don't forget all those times Biden tries to mind meld with people. They had to be killed in case it actually worked and they got some White House secrets. Why Joe why?????? 

Best just to lock down those wandering hands or it won't be Santa coming. 

Biden may also just be fucken crazy. His defense was that she was old and going to die anyways but that isn't the worst thing he's done. 

A mullet! It's more wild than Trump's for fucks sake. We can take you being a serial groper and granny killer but a mullet? 

That is why you shouldn't waste your time with him in 2020. Don't chicken out with an old white dude that touches people up, get a chick. Why is it that women's shoulders (except for tough biker chicks) go up when Biden moves in? Don't ignore this subconscious warning sign. 

The nation needs any old vagina to break that glass ceiling as long as it's a Democrat vagina. Vote vadge in 2020! 

Monday, 20 November 2017

The Tories Need Artificial Intelligence

You've got Boris Johnson helping to get a British citizen released from an Iranian prison the same way as a toddler helps you with the housework. Former Tory MP Priti Patel meeting with Israel while on holiday and not telling the Foreign Office. Then Philip Hammond the Chancellor of the Exchequer saying on TV that there are NO unemployed people in the UK. Like his bank account if it's under 2 million it's small change and not worth talking about. 

Then of course there is the Tory fearless strong and stable leader Theresa May. The person who thinks that paying the DUP to agree with her is a smart move cos the DUP are always so fucken agreeable. 

At the time of this post there is still no working government in Northern Ireland. Big surprise. 

 Sex on a stick

No wonder the Tories have earmarked £75m of the budget into Artificial Intelligence research. Perhaps they really want to control the Internet and public opinion like the Russians did during Bexit and the US presidential election 2016 ... or they just want some better good smarts.

They need all the help they can get. Have they always been this stupid but now with social media and news everywhere we are just seeing it more?

National treasures, both screwed the miners/minors in their own way

Like how years ago sexual harassment went unnoticed because no one had a platform to tell their story but now everyone is a sexual predator ... we knew that about the Tories but harassing women. Straight sexual harassment is new for them or at least us finding out about it. 

The Tories giving the nation's money away hope this will help realise their dream of having driver-less cars in the UK by 2021. Why the fuck would you need your hands free for a boring car journey ... never mind I think I know.

We can fund the NHS or the military ... ah fuck it wouldn't driver-less cars be cool? ... says every voter.

China has already got a driver-less bus in operation and the US continues with the testing. Can driver-less anything work in the UK? Would you trust it?

Small short roads, roundabouts and a barely functioning Google maps that has houses either not on it or somewhere completely different or why Old Knudsen gets exhausted couriers at his door. Yes my house does appear 80 metres away on Google maps cos the numbering system is all fucked up. I ask people if they need directions and laugh when they smugly say they have a GPS.

The US has this problem because of all the new tract homes that keep popping up. My house was built in the 60's for fucks sake, this is just the usual UK fail.

Driver-less vehicles will only be for rich people. Can any "normal" folk afford those Tesla cars? Mechanics need degrees to be able to fix yer car these days. Yeah that part to repair your car will be £2,000 and will take 3 weeks to get here, hope your insurance covers it. 

UK drivers are terrible. They cut you off, pull a GTA 5 u-turn on a busy road, forget the rules of the roundabout or just don't look. Asshole is another word I'd use. Old Knudsen turned off the voice recording on his dash cam as he was shocked by the language. 

Driver-less vehicles might do ok on motorways or other long stretches but add in a few white vans, people with Jesus fish on their Audi, Jag drivers then you'll have a perfect storm for an accident. Sending yer kid on a school field trip is already risking death but I'm sure they'll be safe without a driver.

What would be nice would be to spend a few million on the fucken potholes.