When I Fought Saddam

 

Years back when the Bloominberg diamond that was lent out to the British museum in London .... England was stolen, MI-5 put their best man on the case. SG-19 also put their third from best on the case too which was me cos the other two were on holiday at the time so technically I was the best, and don't you forget it.

I found myself in a typical London alleyway, it was the early 80's and every alleyway had it's own smoke machine .... yes everyone, even the alleyways smoked back then and it never gave us cancer but if it had we would have laughed in its face and would have been grateful.

I squared off against a street thug that I was going to squeeze for information. He looked cocky and defiant as if he had powerful rich friends. I could tell this would get real violent real soon.

In my highly trained mind I chose a plan of attack, I'd feign submission and let my shoulders slump, strike at his throat, he'll attempt a wild haymaker, I'd deploy an elbow block then body shot, block his left jab, cut with a cross to right cheek followed by an elbow to his face breaking his eye socket then end with a front kick to the sternum .... all planned out in a split second through years of training and sparring.  

I woke up in hospital, my only mistake was when I started to day dream while planning my attack which gave him an advantage.
I'd only been in my coma for 3 days, that was nothing compared to the 8 weeks in 1978 when I told Leon Spinks that he got lucky when he beat Muhammad Ali ... I got my revenge when I found out his home address. Should I own up to it? .... Ok, in 1980 I knocked on his front door and ran away, he was all like wha? He didn't have a clue who it was, revenge is so sweet. Fuck you and yer London look teeth ... was what I would have said to his face.

A large bouquet of flowers with a note that said, "hope you get well soon, stop asking questions and you'll stay that way" I examined the handwriting, licked and sniffed the card, wasn't European it was more nutty but not Russian A-HA! obviously Middle Eastern.

I pumped my contact from Mossad from some information. She verified that Al-Koblah was at the museum shortly before the theft, he was Saddam's number one jewel thief.

Donald Rumsfeld the Special Envoy to the Middle East under Reagan. 

If would be difficult getting into Iraq for a mission against Saddam, he was very tight with the US and Reagan had it out for me cos he was jealous of the history I had with Nancy. It was all very messy, no seriously, Nancy was a right squirter.

Since the US was selling weapons to Iran and Iraq while all the time trying to mediate peace I slipped inside a container marked bio hazard which was heading to Iraq, I just assumed it was like Baby Bio plant food so I'd be grand.... strangely enough it must have been like plant food as I did grow a foot within 8 weeks of that mission but I had it removed as it was growing in an odd place and I couldn't cut the toenails very well.  

I faced off against Saddam at his secret castle and demanded he returned the Bloominberg diamond ... ya still remember about that right? he said "Ack bach halli ouc da ne hadisha bo lokach he na suclueh ole Knudsen" so I repeated my demand SLOWLY AND LOUDER so he could understand, I do speak fuckin English ya cheeky cunt.

He laughed and pulled out a big shiny sword. Old Knudsen has been laughed at by better folk than him but there was something about that sword, then it struck me, ouch! It was Excalibur, I knew it back when Aurthur had it and called it Calibur.
How was I to defeat him? I could shag his wife like Lancelot did, he had 2 so which one should I pick ? That daydream cost me an arm (it grew back a year later) his mocking laughter and hacks at my body was starting to bend my shite then I noticed that he had the diamond put into the hilt of the sword ... Aurthur was always humming and hawing what to put into the hilt as he hated emeralds and sapphires, it had to be kingly looking  ... no wonder he never noticed Lancelot and Guinevere round the back of the tents.

Saddam thought that with a limb missing and several pints of blood gushing out of me that I was done for and he got careless. I used my remaining good hand and ripped his mustache clean off his face. If I had a camera phone back then I'd have taken a selfie with it.

Saddam screamed like a little gurl and dropped the sword, I picked it up and stood over him and bellowed "Cry Gog for Harry, England, and Saint George!" and raised the mystical blade, suddenly in a fiery explosion Saddam flew into the sky just missing my blade of justice ... A fucken jet pack, what is this, the 21st century?

I returned the Bloominberg diamond to the Bloominbergs who needed it for their zionist new werld order and for tax purposes, I gave Excalibur to the ancient and wise Merlin, he'd know what to do with it.

Well he actually got totally pissed on apple scrumpy during one of those solstice thingys and threw it into a lake, we haven't spoken to each other since.              
   
What was the point to this story? Well now you know why Saddam wore a fake mustache for all those years, yep that was all me. His old mustache became feral and lived up in the Sinjar Mountains before the Kurds were able to track it down and kill it in 2005.

Upon returning to SG-19 I wrote up my report and was promoted to Head field agent of the suicide mission task force. I'd asked if I was getting any medals cos I likes getting medals but they were all out and due to the recession they couldn't afford any more, always the way.   
   

Is Enhanced Interrogation Wrong?

To some people the CIA enhanced interrogation techniques were fine and totally justified. I suppose it's like not caring how the animals on yer dinner plate were killed you just want the end result.

The CIA methods didn't produce any real results. Having most of the guys locked up did give results. The enhanced interrogation or torture as the soft liberals call it was to get information to prevent further attacks like 9/11 on American soil. Obama stopped the torture in 2009 and in nearly 6 years without any torture to save us there have been no attacks.   

Wow, what does that say? According to their own CIA reports any information was gleamed by the usual methods of surveillance and contacts but it gave them something to do and outside contractors were brought in to do the torture and made millions out of it.

The wars of terror that Bush initiated made millions for companies like Haliburton, DynCorp, Washington Group International, Environmental Chemical, Aegis, International American Products, Erinys, Fluor, Perini, URS Corporation, Parsons, Armor Holdings .... the list goes on. It seems that there was always some way for someone to make a big profit on the wars started by George W Bush and company. 

That is what happens when you have businessmen who become politicians, they see politics as just a way to carry on doing business.

 Waterboarding seems to be a proud American tradition.

Enhanced interrogation consisted of the simplest of rations (bread and water) a dark cell and a hard bunk. Deprivation of sleep and stress exercises to cause exhaustion and beaten with a stick, if more than 20 blows are given a doctor must be present. 

No wait, my mistake, that is what the German Gestapo did if their psychological methods didn't work and they didn't use waterboarding ..... only a cunt would use that. 

The phrase the Nazis had was  Verschärfte Vernehmung which is the German version for enhanced interrogation, a better translation would be sharpened interrogation since it was their last resort torture unlike the CIA who started off with it.

So the Bush administration took their cue from the Gestapo .... still wondering if torture is fine and justified? That right there should tell you otherwise.

Bush used hypothermia to freeze the prisoners to near death then with repeated beatings, long forced standing positions, waterboarding, cold showers in air-conditioned rooms and stress positions. Injured or sick prisoners would be left for days in their cells and any medicine would be withheld.

When the Nazis did this we called them war crimes and hanged the fuckers, so what has changed? Bush, Cheny, Rumsfeld, Rice and Powell discussed all of these methods and signed off on them.

Some of the detainees who were brutalised by the CIA torture were entirely innocent. There is only so much you can justify by remembering 9/11. Torture tends to take on a life of it's own and becomes more creative as lines get blurred.

Yes torture is wrong, it shits on all those who have served with honour and those who gave their lives and those who died in 9/11. War profiteering is also wrong. There are so many Americans and those of nations who aided and abetted the torture and the profiteering walking about free, we know who the ones at the top are.

These people committed war crimes as surely as the likes of  Adolf Hitler, Hermann Goering Joseph Goebbels and Amon Goeth. Just because they are on your side or from yer cuntry doesn't make them any less guilty.
If you think that by lying about WMD's to get yer cuntry behind an invasion, profiting from that invasion with companies yer friends own and pissing on the human rights of prisoners of war doesn't make them war criminals than yer like the German people who ignored the falling ash from the ovens of the local death camp.   

Enhanced interrogations didn't save lives, what it did was show the world that America's shit does stink and the moral high ground has been lost.  

Stim Sell

Here is Obama's stimulus plan for the US economy. Even as a straight-ish white man I sorta find it stimulating but then I'm a Hornivore and I have one in the chamber.

Reason and commonsense get flung to the winds and the pent up jizz does the thinking. Ever watch two dogs shagging and you get aroused? um no not me either what about using up the last tissue and you look at the empty box with the hole and those two flaps of plastic and you think ........... um gotta get more hankies thats what obviously.


Remember Rumsfeld? I was the one who demanded he goes and just after I did he went. Here was his plan to win the wars of terror. Not too good was it? I bet he never gave the fireman some armour for his helmet.

The Obama admin seems very different from the last. Obama is going out of his way to seem more assessable and reactive.

I bet Obama tugs the lad every day before he makes decisions, he just looks so relaxed. Maybe he uses an intern.

Callyfornia has its own problems with the state budget. Who the fuck votes actors into power? What you see on the screen isn't real you know the bloke is a meat head. We need someone from the future to read this and send a cyborg back to kill Arnold Schwarzenegger before he really fucks everything up.

This is my time vortex to get my message through. Don't stare at it.


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