CIA Training For Everyday Use

When yer a spy you can't tell anyone about it. You can't tweet how yer off to use yer heart attack gun on a Russian diplomat cos the enemy also has Twitter.

Old Knudsen is humble and modest and doesn't like to brag, when he tells you about his huge crowd pleasing penis he's merely stating fact. When I werked for the company I was trained by the 2nd best of the best. I was trained how to spy, escape and evade. I've done things I'm no proud of ... like yer Ma ... Ka Chow!
  

Condition white. 

From the CIA, Marines Hunter Program and the Mi-5 how to lie course I lerned basic field craft that is applicable for everyday plebs if they would take their heads out of their holes for a minute.

I tried to teach you all in this post about surviving a terrorist attack

If you walk about staring at yer phone, book or newspaper, or if yer listening to yer music with yer earbuds in and daydreaming then you are in condition white. You are oblivious to what is around you. You are a perfect target for muggers, pick pockets or evil commie spies.

You need to be in condition yellow always. This is head up and knowing who is around. These people rarely get knocked down at a crosswalk. Confident looking people do not draw as much attention as lost clueless folk do.

Condition orange is when you see a potential danger and ready yerself. That could mean taking yer hands out of yer fucken pockets and hold onto something like yer keys or a pen, something you could jab into a hand or eye.
Also you can take actions and go somewhere to avoid a confrontation. The best way to win a fight is to avoid it, even highly trained experts like myself would rather avoid a fight as you have nothing to prove to this person by being macho and even the best training or the 2nd best won't prepare you for someone better, faster or even more lucky. Maybe they have a weapon you don't know about. 

Condition red is when you fight or flee. You are taking action. The best way to fight if you have to is wound yer opponent or hit them hard enough to make them think twice while you get away.

Or is it condition green? ach that's why I was "let go" from the bomb disposal team. Schools can be rebuilt and parents can have more children so get off me fucken back.

What should we do sir?  

Condition black is usually for military in combat. In Band of brothers Lieutenant Peacock was leading Easy company through a field. They were out in the open and the Germans were taking them apart. Peacock froze in panic and could not make any decisions, that is condition black.        

Good training is the best way to avoid condition black.

So I was in an unfamiliar town to meet some assets for humint .... that's spook speak for human intelligence. I had just spoken to Jimmy the weasel and he had told me about a foreign government plan to strike panic into the people by buying all the milk, bread and baked beans ... fucken devious.

I was on the street, getting a baseline for what was normal as then you can easily tell what isn't. A busy street, people going into shops and cars going by. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a man standing there looking around him.

You may not think that odd but the only ones that look around them are idiot tourists, law enforcement and bad guys. There were no giant balls of string or old crappy buildings so he wasn't a tourist, he wasn't scanning the blacks or brown men of combat age so he wasn't a cop ... he was looking for a certain type ... shit he could be a spy hunter, I hope he was just a usual bad guy as spy hunters are deadly. 

In my peripheral I saw him lock his eyes onto me, my hand reached down but no, my zip was not down again. As I told the judge is was an honest mistake.

Criminals and bad guys stare at their prey, it's an indicator you should watch out for while in condition yellow. In the wild a predator never takes its eyes off what it's hunting.

He started to match mt step and it looked like he was aiming to cut me off.

One thing to do is to let them know you are onto them. If someone is following you then turn round and look them up and down.

I turned to him and asked, "do you know what the time is?" it werked, he was startled. I was ready with my rolled up Hustler magazine in my hand to strike at his throat .... oh I was buying it for a friend. 

"Time to accept Jesus into your heart" I looked around to make sure it wasn't a distraction and that he didn't have a buddy coming up on my 6. I may be paranoid but I'm also alive and old so it werks. It was near the holiday season so bad guys often target people with distractions.      

Content that it wasn't a ploy I turned my ring on my finger around and opened the top exposing a tiny needle. I took his leaflet giving his hand a small prick .... no, not that kind of prick ... I said it was huge remember. 

He'd be meeting his maker within the hour. I smiled for the rest of the day knowing that I had the intel to stop a foreign power carrying out a terrorist consumer attack and that I gave yon Christian bloke the chance to see if all his fairy tales were true or not. It was a good day.   

 You didn't expect a huge cock pic in this post.

Better than that day when I had my ring turned in and grabbed my dick and poisoned myself . Well it wasn't too bad cos the doctor had to suck the poison out. They tried to tell me the NHS wouldn't fund that kind of treatment but I found a young willing doc that needed the money.

Death To America But Not On My Watch

Another audio tape has been released allegedly from Dick Cheney, FBI still have to authenticate it.

"Death to America but it isn't our fault when the last leaf blows off the tree the grasshoppers will kill us all and everything I did would have been done for nothing. I killed, tortured and posed nude for my country but you damned it by electing a black, gay, Muslim and you are going to pay for it. You have to shed non-Christian lefty blood or our world as we know it will crumble to dust and the mailmen will get confused."

A startling diatribe from a man who some believe was behind the 9/11 attacks. Some have described Cheney as that shite that won't go away no matter how many times you wipe it and annoys you throughout the day, not very important but can lead to permanent skid marks.

You Go On, Don't Wait For Me

I've always wanted to be a waiter believe it of not. Ever since being a small child gazing up as the God like men in the little aprons filled up our glasses with snooty contempt and made us wait for our food as long as they wanted, that was true power, my mother would say to me, "Hey thingy, stop staring at the waiters, they're all gheyers you know, unless yer a gheyer of course" which would cause all my siblings and my father to laugh and call me gheyer for the rest of the afternoon, ah happy days.

I've only ever played at being a waiter in MI6 when I posed as one to poison a Russian diplomat or when Ethel cums round and we play a role playing sex game, "How about I serve you and I give you the tip madam?" "How rude, let me speak to the manager" she'd say in pretend outrage, " Here he is" as I unzipped my trousers, "Dick the manager, time to manage dick if you can handle it, if yer not full up you soon will be." Then I'd give her, her just deserts........ in the arse.

My waiting dream has cum true, eat yer black cold heart out manuel.

You've heard of those restaurants that serve sashimi, sushi or whale from the body of a woman, well Billy's Burgers in Killamory has gone upscale and has not only put in more seats and fixed the toilets but is doing that naked thing also.

You would think it was a sexy thing to do but here is the grim reality of it all.

One of the gurls or platters as we call them was on her period and one of the customers complained his steak was rare not well done, as soon as we realised that Mags the platter was on her moons we both saw the funny side and he happily ate his steak.

"Knudsen the crisps for table four is ready" (chips to you Yanks)

Its hard to get hot young gurls to work naked for £3.50 an hour so some of our platters are shall we say, big boned? Ok then some of our gurls are big meaty wagons but we worked this to our advantage by filling up their belly buttons with ketchup so as they lie on the table you dip yer chips (french fucking fries you Yanks) into them and the beauty is they fill them up themselves.

Here is Brenda one of our dippers, I hope thats ketchup.

I had a customer the other night who said, " theres a pube in my burger" so I said "what do ya want me to do about it?" and he replied " nothing I'm just telling everyone its fucking class man."
It was class cos his platter was the extremely hot Elena who gets more than £3.50 an hour from the owner.

Elena and her fur burger...........yummy, finger lickin good.

Some of the Killamory gurls need to work on their fucking manners but they aren't as bad as the hoors from Arbroath the only good thing in Arbroath is the number of VD clinics there are there but you could always do with more.

We have Tracy from Arbroath who we have had nothing but trouble with, we have told her not to smoke when she is lying on the tables as people feed off her naked body at least wait until they light up (fuck the no smoking laws) also stop farting too, when she gets up there is always a big wet patch and you have to scrub her table doon and air it out before you can use it again.

The only reason we don't fire her is because her arse is nice and deep and perfect for the hot fudge sundaes.

"I just want someone to get my fucking food, I'm a law student I know my rights, come see the violence inherent in the restaurant world ."

Fuck I hate mouthy students.

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Going Out With A Bang

"Just say the word Georgie and I'll get all the bastards for ya." "Whoa whoa whoa big Dick go easy on that button, can you not just shoot them in the face? leave da bom for Old Bitter Balls."

Rob Harley And the Whalers.

Carlos the gay bandit, we loved that crazy fucker and how, this is his finest moment and the last time we were to see our bronzed Latin hunk, taken by Big Dick, his parents were not surprised when we told them.

I once sailed aboard the whaling ship Innuendo under Captain Harley . A big black ship full of seamen that ploughed its way through the water with stamina.

Admiral White of the pocket battleship HMS Flaccid could never keep up with the Innuendo. There would be the call "all hands on dick" (the first mate had a speech impediment) with a flurry of action we'd gain on the Flaccid and with a big swell we'd splash all over its aft and pull away laughing never to call again. Admiral White was Impotent in the face of our abilities.

Captain Rob Harley was a man obsessed, years ago the great pink sperm whale 'Big Dick' had taken his leg and his lunch money and now he wanted revenge or at least his money back . He kept himself locked up in his cabin until the shout "Derby whales" went out. He'd cum out in a foul mood and then we'd all pretend to work.

Apache Joe who was part Cherokee and part Irish as most Yanks claim to be was our chief harpooner and apple polisher, he loved to thrust his javelin at anything that moved.

In all my years of hunting Sperm whales and Jizz fish I only saw Big Dick (the whale that is) once .
It played with us cuming and going, up and doon, it knew what it was doing pure evil as many of us just wanted to get the job done and have a cigarette. The big pink bastard was trying to tease and get a rise out of Captain Harley.

Apache Joe with a full compliment of harpoons shot his full load but in his excitement he was premature which was very embarrassing for the old hand.
I could almost hear the whale laugh as it lifted it's fin and shot its sea custard all over us before it swam away.
Never one to miss an opportunity the captain sold the whale muck to Ponds who used it for face cream.

I left the Innuendo shortly afterwards as all that rough tossing seaman bit was too ghey even for my tastes. I heard that Captain Harley gave birth to a large fish like creature he named 'Little Dick' and calmed doon about the whole vengeance thing and can be heard saying things like "would you like to see a picture of Little Dick's first blow?" hes never short of crew but they always leave disappointed.