ISIS List Future Attacks

Daesh (the terror group formerly known as ISIS) captured our own people and cut their heads off, we gasped in horror, they cut the heads of numerous Kurds, we protested in anger, they set a Jordanian fighter pilot on fire, we said wha? they beheaded 30 Christians in Libya, 5 Libyan journalists, they killed 200 Yazidis ..... to be honest with you Daesh we lost interest ages ago. Sure it was shocking and shit but you get desensitized to it very quickly and the new Avengers movie is out as is the royal baby, how fucking awesome! 
 

Puff daddy diddy got our gurls back, yay for our hero!

We even got 234 of our girls back who were captured by Boko Harem and all we did was use hashtags, the Islamic State has lost its edge, lets call it the Ishamic State. 214 of those gurls are now pregnant which means we can use the baby DNA to find the terrorists #dnachecknow and #catchmybabydaddy.

Yes the real figure of abducted gurls is 2,000 since the beginning of last year but 234 is a win since we did fuck all to help them. 

We will tell you where we'll attack ... is next Tuesday good for your death Obama? 

Trying to be scary Daesh has released a load of US cities that they'll attack. We were just saying fuck you Indiana the other week so threatening to attack Michigan City and Bolivar isn't that worrying.

Seven of the places to be attacked are in Texas ... yep one of the most heavily armed states in the US full of Scots/Irish descendants always gagging to shoot someone so good luck to you. Two assholes were shot at a draw Mohamed competition last week, firstly don't fall for the old 'this will piss off the raghead' trick and secondly don't say "draw" in Texas.

Daesh have released another statement saying that they will also attack Ireland too because they have heard how beautiful it is and infidels do not deserve it. Who the fuck said it was beautiful? If you like grass and rocks then it is since the fucking Sassenachs cut all the trees doon and no one ever thought to replant them.

Turns out they were talking about Northern Ireland which to be honest is very beautiful, breath taking or is that the stench of Belfast lough on a warm day? A beautiful country province on the outskirts of the UK where the ethnic minorities are less than 1% but speaken better English than the yokels locals .... and that is why we hate them, coming over here taking the jobs we're too lazy to do, you never see them waving flegs or joining flute bands, what's wrong with them?

So besides the racism, xenophobia, poor education, violent behaviour and alcoholism the Norn Iron people are a warm, friendly bunch and are blessed to live in the land that Jesus himself settled in, he had a wee farm in the glens of Antrim which was where his mother was originally from.

If Daesh want trouble we've got loads, remember the Troubles? Terrorism is what we do in our leisure time, which is all the time.

We will attack your cities of Poleglass, Ballybeen and Rathcoole, we will not harm Belfast because the HBO executive and the bastard Jon Snow said it was bad enough.

We shall rain fire onto Liam Neeson's house in Ballymena, it will be a parking lot within an hour. The streets will be strewn with tractor parts, dead sheep and cocaine. All seven of Ballymena's mighty towers will fall and the Bible belt will be a Bible shoelace. 

We won't touch DerryLondonDerryLondon because that place looks fucking dangerous though we will make sure to visit the giants causeway because piles of rocks are really interesting.

We will obliterate the home of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, AKA the Earl and Countess of Strathearn, AKA the Baron and Baroness Carrickfergus. Even their castle will not keep them safe.

We were going to destroy Larne but someone beat us to it.

Your gleaming city of Bangor will fall into the sea and the evil that resides there will be drown and made food for the fish. 

Your beautiful Ireland will be no more and your town centers will be as ghost towns with holes in the roads and dilapidated buildings that you'll have to put stickers over as to hide your shame.

Well that's depressing, we'd better all panic, Daesh are coming to get us. Ach the Americans might panic as they are not used to being hunted, they've had sheltered lives but we had decades of cunts threatening and even trying to kill us and you know what we did? ... Aye we did drink a lot, it was a grand excuse. We lived life and didn't let the cunts get in the way of it.

Besides it's not like we won't see them coming a mile off, we have natural radar for foreigners and thanks to our poorly maintained infrastructure a brick to lob at them is always near by.